Help... should we get engaged?

[argilesocks]

Hi, this is my first time to post here... anyway, here is some background information... my girlfriend and I have been together for 1.5 years now... I am 25 and she is 23... she has been pushing us to get engaged for quite awhile, and this has been the biggest hurdle in our relationship because I honestly do not feel ready to take this step, and am not completely sure if she is "the one" yet. I love her very much and care about her a ton, and am afraid we are at the point where something is going to give--either I will have to end things and know that her heart will be broken and I will feel terrible about how things ended because of how much I do truly love her... or I will have to propose knowing that I am not ready to take this step...

 

This topic of conversation comes up almost on a daily basis and often leads to us fighting because I am unable to give her the enthusiasm and warmth she is seeking regarding engagement/marriage... I am completely confused and don't really have anyone I feel comfortable talking to about this yet...

 

I hope some of you might have some advice, or similar experiences to share with me regarding this topic because its a position that is completely new to me... this is only my second long-term serious relationship and my other one never really had the topic of marriage or engagement come up at all...

 

if I need to explain anything in more detail please let me know, all advice is appreciated.

 

 

Thanks,

Confused

[LucreziaBorgia]

I honestly do not feel ready to take this step, and am not completely sure if she is "the one" yet.

 

This is what you will want to tell her before it reaches the point where your love for her drains away in the midst of all the arguing and stuff.

 

I was in your g/f's position, and I pushed pretty hard for engagement after about a year and a half - he seemed into, but only marginally so and the more we "talked" about it, the worse it got. It culminated in a dismal Christmas/New Years vacation. The night he was supposed to propose, he took me to the bridge at Concorde - the one where the Revolutionary war started with the "shot heard round the world" and fired off the other "shot heard round the world": he looked right into my eyes and told me that he did not love me anymore. Yep, that's what it had come down to. I pushed in a direction that he was resistant to go, and the whole "engagement" issue became the relationship more or less and while I was focusing on that, he was slipping away from me.

 

I wish now that he had told me the truth about how he was feeling when he started feeling that way instead of waiting until he had to literally trample me down just to escape. If he had told me then, we probably could have worked things through instead of him slipping away without me even seeing it.

 

I guess now looking back at it, I'm thankful that he cut me loose. I never would have met my true Mr. Right! I was glad to meet someone who I just simply wanted to be with, and all that 'relationship BS' just isnt' an issue the way it was with me and the other guy. Thank goodness I didn't marry that guy!!

 

I guess the thing to do is tell her how you feel, before you begin to lose your love for her.

[HokeyReligions]

Don't get backed into a corner! You do not have to propose if you are not ready. Talk to her about it and ask her point-blank if she wants out of the relationship because you are not ready. If she says Yes, cut your losses and realize that she is NOT the one for you. My husband was not ready for that step at the same time that I felt I was ready. I had to decide if my love for him was strong enough to continue the courtship and hope that at some point he would be ready; or if I wanted to end the relationship and look for someone else. I realized that he just wasn't ready and that the right thing to do was to continue dating - I didn't want to push him into anything he wasn't ready for, because what does that say about the quality of my love for him? It would have been a selfish thing to do. Love is worth a risk, imo, and I risked a later breakup because I loved him. That was over 20 years ago and we are still together (having weathered some pretty tough storms).

 

Talk with her and find out why its so urgent for her to get engaged right now. Is it because she loves you or because she fears that you don't love her and thinks that an engagement is going to change that?

[Naive]

If you are feeling pressured into doing it in the long run you will probably hold it against her that you felt like you HAD to get engaged and that is why you did it. If you do not see it happening any time soon let her now because she might not even have a hint that at this moment you do not want to be engaged. I am actually in a similar situation but I am the one that keeps bugging my bf about getting married. I would rather him tell me straight out that he does see himself marrying me than to just avoid the situation. The more time you let pass the worse it will be for her when you break it to her that you do not want to be engaged at this moment. An engagement does not necessarily mean that you have to get married in 6 months or 1 year or even 2, it's just a way of making it formal and showing that you do want to get married in the future. How about giving her a promise ring? I personally would not want one but it might make her happy If you just don't see yourself marrying her a few years from now then you might want to let her know that she is not the one so that she will not waste her time or yours either.

[DakotaDan]

If you are not sure she is really the one then you should let her know that, otherwise it's like you're just keeping her on a string.

 

My gf did that to me and i'm just now figuring out that's what was going on in her head and i resent the time i feel i wasted with her because i was ready and thinking that all the time she'd spent with me was because she thought the same about me.

 

Sounds like you two are going in the same path as we were before we split, an arguement every day and it's plain to see she's ready, like i was. Your gf wants marriage like I did with my gf. It won't last this way and will only get worse.

 

So now i'm here my first day on this forum lol, posting replies. It's always best to level with people, let them know what you're really thinking because it's better to hurt them a little bit now than alot later in the future after more time has been committed to the relation.

[Thinkalot]

I agree that you should ask her is she is willing to stick with you, in the knowledge you are not ready yet. Perhaps you could set a deadline on when to discuss things again...such as in a year or two..then at that time, it may be a make or break decision.

 

You are only young and 1.5 years is not very long relatively, so I think she should be happy to wait longer, if she truly loves you...but if she needs an answer now, you need to be upfront and say that you are not ready...dont be backed into something.

[argilesocks]

Thanks for your replies, I suppose I should explain the situation a little better so you can get more of an understanding of what is going on...

 

my girlfriend has had some family issues in her past that have led her to feel very insecure about relationships--not so much jealousy as in just a feeling that our relationship won't last if she doesn't have a ring on her finger

 

as much as i have tried to explain to her that i am just not ready for engagement and marriage, she cannot understand that except in meaning that i don't ever want to be engaged to her or married to her... i am at a loss as to how to explain to her that it is possible for someone to not be ready to move to the step of engagement while still wanting a future with someone. To complicate matters further, she is a damned good arguer and it just isn't possible for me to come out ahead in these "discussions"... which has led me to this point where I'm at now...

 

I have told her I am planning to propose soon, as in the end of this summer... while I know it was wrong for me to tell her that, i was backed into a corner with no way out and ended up telling her that... I have been trying extremely hard to convince myself to just propose now and that i will get over the fact that i wasn't ready to do it, but it just isn't working... i really dont want to rip her heart out by just ending things because that is not what i want and not what she wants either, but there just isn't much room to maneuver anymore...

 

also, the idea of proposing with a delayed wedding isn't feasible either... she is already planning for a july 06 wedding date and has gotten upset when i have hinted that we may not be able to do it by then.

 

This is the prototypical rock and a hard place situation unfortunately.... hope some of yall might have some more advice... thanks

[Thinkalot]

I honestly think that in these situations coming to a compromise and agreeing to set some kind of deadline for when the matter will be resolved can sometimes work (I have heard of it working for others).

 

It may mean you request a year's grace and she agrees to stay with you until then and then you need to decide one way or the other. It is still a bit pressured, sure, but it gives everyone time to cool off from the subject.

 

My husband delayed proposing to me a couple of times. It was hard at the time, but honestly, I loved him and realised he needed time...I gave him that and in the end he proposed when he was ready too.

 

I am sorry if your gf isn't able to do that, at least for a set amount of time longer.

 

Good luck with it all.

[Naive]

You have to let her know that you DO see a future together but that she has to understand that you want a good life for both of you and that by planning a wedding in '06 she is jumping into something waaaay too quickly. Try to come to a compromise where both of you give something up. Maybe you can propose 6 months from now but not get married until 2 years from then. She will get the engagement and the marriage she hopes for and you will get the time that you need.

[Outcast]

I have been trying extremely hard to convince myself to just propose now and that i will get over the fact that i wasn't ready to do it

 

Don't do it until and unless you want to do it more than anything else. Don't try to talk yourself into it - you shouldn't have to. You should WANT it. If you don't, then put your foot down and do not do it.

[Samantha2005]

not so much jealousy as in just a feeling that our relationship won't last if she doesn't have a ring on her finger

 

 

 

have told her I am planning to propose soon, as in the end of this summer... while I know it was wrong for me to tell her that, i was backed into a corner with no way out

 

Relationship won't last without a ring on her finger? Hmmm. Well if you're hedging on a commitment with her (as in marriage) then the last I recall, if you don't want marriage, then you're not thinking of the relationship as a permanant one .

 

So why in the world would she think the relationship is suppose to last ? You said yourself too that you're not sure she's "the one".

 

I can't say I blame her for thinking you don't want a lasting relationship especially telling her you were prepared to propose at summers end. You're stringing er along.

 

You really owe it to this girl to tell her ALL of these things, like you're telling us, so she won't be under any illusions.

[LucreziaBorgia]

This is the prototypical rock and a hard place situation unfortunately.... hope some of yall might have some more advice... thanks

 

You will need to tell her the things you have said here. If you can't say them to her directly, say them through a pre-marital couples counselor. The last thing you want to do is let the date of the proposal come and find yourself breaking things off, when she thought you were going to make it permanent. Trust me - that was hard to take, even though I knew it was my own fault for pushing so hard like your girlfriend is doing.

 

You are at the crossroads. She is not going to stay with you, if you do not follow her engagement/marriage plan. You cannot stay with her, because you do not want to follow her engagement/marriage plan. Time to come clean and be completely honest with each other to see if there is any compromise or if it is time to just go your separate ways.

 

Marrying her under these circumstances would be far worse in the long run, than cutting it off and going your separate ways. Life is too short to spend it with someone that you aren't sure is right for you.

[flybeotch7]

I am in a similiar situation. I am 23 and have been dating my boyfrind for 3 years and we're not engaged. I understand that these things need time and so I do not push the subject with him. As some one else replied, it is weird that she needs a ring to know where the relationships going. Maybe a promise ring would be a good step in moving forward but not making the plunge.

[francis]

why would you want to be with someone who you have doubts is 'the one' for you? isnt that wasting the time of both of you? i'm quite cynical about the whole 'not ready' excuse. if you know, you know. no amount of waiting around is miraculously going to turn a person into 'the one' for you.

[anonanon]

I am in almost the exact same situation. I love her deeply, but am scared to get engaged. I'm not sure if she is the one either. It is very scary for me to say the words, especially in a specific amount of time. I'm fairly young (20), and I feel like I need some time to figure things out for myself. I know that it sounds selfish, but I don't want to make her unhappy later on in life because I didn't take the time to feel comfortable with the idea of marriage. Am I crazy to take the chance that I might not be able to get her back, or is that a wise decision?

[nonregged]

I have been in almost the same situation for the past two years with my girlfriend. While it was not exactly a fun experience every time she brought up the concept of marriage, it didn't mean I don't love her. That's what I think is one of the biggest pressure points in a relationship that is going somewhere, it could be that you are not ready to get married not because you're not sure shes the one, but because you need more time to figure things out about yourself. Marriage is a decision you're going to have to make on your own. It's important to understand that for many engagments there isn't that 'I know for sure this is the one I want to marry'. While that does happen it doesn't always work out this way - but the fact remains that you should 'want' to marry her not because she wants to get married, but because you want to get married.

 

Odds are if you get engaged simply because she is putting pressure on you it will end up making you partially bitter towards her once you do get married. It wasn't easy to explain to my girlfriend either - because she was utterly convinced that I was the one, but I had to explain to her that I needed more time, personally, to figure things out and to think of our future and I am not going to get engaged just because she wants us to. She needed to understand that the engagement wasn't 'the farthest thing from my mind' which many women interpret it as, but that I still think about it very often. You not proposing to her within the next few months doesn't mean that you don't love her because that would be like saying a week after you date someone if your not engaged your not in love. Some people need more time than others to figure these things out. Engagement is a big step, marriage is a big step. She needs to respect the fact that you are not ready to take the step into marriage, whether it be emotionally, financially, or whether or not you haven't figured out what it is yet. If she is unwilling to do so, she is not giving you the freedom as an individual to evaluate and make one of the biggest decisions of your lives.

 

It isn't right of her to plan a date for an engagment that has not taken place yet - you should explain to her that her trying to force the engagement on you is keeping you from seriously thinking about it - and it is also putting pressure on you to make a huge decision you still need time to adapt too. (This can have the opposite effect and make you want to get married less)You can 'talk' about getting engaged, talk about your future together, talk about having kids some day, all of these things will help you to build a relationship that will make you more comfortable with the concept of marriage. After two years of being with my girlfriend (about 8 months of us talking about buying houses, children, and all of those fun things) I have decided to get engaged with her (which she doesn't know about). Am I for sure she is the one? Well, I know we've build a great relationship together and share the same goals, and I love to be with her every day, but there is no way you can ever clearly define 'the one'. I know that with her I will be happy, we will share the same goals and future and be able to share them with eachother - does that mean shes the one? I suppose so, but everyone has doubts once and awhile, thats what cold feet are all about right?