***Is This an Issue???***

[Dis]

Hi guys!

 

I'm going on a date tonight with a new guy

 

He asked to see me within the first day of chatting, he has texted me everyday since he initially reached out to me. We text throughout the day. He compliments me and wants to know all about me. He seems incredibly sweet and communicative. Very open about his feelings and life, if he's the same way in person I think we'll really hit it off.

 

He was honest with me about something that kind set off my red flag alarm, but I dont know if I'm reading too much into it

 

He's 38 (I'm 30) he's has 4 long term relationships, 2 of which he ended because he felt marriage wasnt going to work out with them. He said he knew this would cause a little concern for me as he seems indecisive about taking that leap. Then he said,

 

"At this point in my life I'm not about wasting anyone's time. I want to fall in love. Deeply in love. I want to be happy with one person that I can make equally just as happy. My only intention in dating at this point is to fall in love and find someone to spoil for the rest of my life. I am a pleaser, I need someone to please already!"

 

Again, he seems like a super sweet guy and I know its just one date. Now that I'm 30 I just want to be incredibly choosey about who I date. I'm not rushing marriage or kids, I just want to make sure I'm on the right track

 

Thanks guys!!!

[preraph]

He sounds nice and honest. Take it slow. Don't let him get carried away before he knows you. In fact, if you decide you are interested, tell him, I don't want either of us to get carried away before we really know each other. Does that mean no sex? No, it's more about just not wanting him to project on to you this woman he has in his head.

[GunslingerRoland]

I'd be more concerned with someone who had never been in a long term relationship at all at that age, than someone who'd be in a couple that didn't work out.

[Versacehottie]

Hi guys!

 

I'm going on a date tonight with a new guy

 

He asked to see me within the first day of chatting, he has texted me everyday since he initially reached out to me. We text throughout the day. He compliments me and wants to know all about me. He seems incredibly sweet and communicative. Very open about his feelings and life, if he's the same way in person I think we'll really hit it off.

 

He was honest with me about something that kind set off my red flag alarm, but I dont know if I'm reading too much into it

 

He's 38 (I'm 30) he's has 4 long term relationships, 2 of which he ended because he felt marriage wasnt going to work out with them. He said he knew this would cause a little concern for me as he seems indecisive about taking that leap. Then he said,

 

"At this point in my life I'm not about wasting anyone's time. I want to fall in love. Deeply in love. I want to be happy with one person that I can make equally just as happy. My only intention in dating at this point is to fall in love and find someone to spoil for the rest of my life. I am a pleaser, I need someone to please already!"

 

Again, he seems like a super sweet guy and I know its just one date. Now that I'm 30 I just want to be incredibly choosey about who I date. I'm not rushing marriage or kids, I just want to make sure I'm on the right track

 

Thanks guys!!!

 

I'm going to point out the obvious bolded above^^^ it's a little ironic that you are worried about him not being able to take a leap to marriage when you seem to be having trouble taking the leap for a little ol' first date, no? Just take that leap, you will learn more in the first 2-4 dates that will ACTUALLY help you answer these questions in your mind vs speculation fuel perhaps by anxiety. Trust yourself to know that once you have enough info, if it's not right you have the strength and wisdom to determine that and cut it off. At the very least, you will perhaps have a fun night, make a new friend. Maybe don't take things so seriously? You can be choosy and get experience and have fun all at the same time. At this point you have more to gain than to lose: if it ends up being THE guy, you will thank your lucky stars that you went on the date; if it's not, you will have spent a night on a date, that's it.

 

About his "leaping" problem, maybe the previous girls were all not the right ones and he is searching for that. I give the guy credit for not forcing something where it was not IT. That's another plausible explanation. You will know what it really was as you get to know him. Go & have fun!

[Gaeta]

I don't see anything alarming yet.

 

How long he's been single?

 

How long were those LTR? If they all broke up at the same length of time l'd be suspicious.

 

Also don't let him sweet talk to you. I bet he said the same and felt the same when he first met those past LTR

[smackie9]

???and what is the problem? Obviously you are excited about this guy already. If it doesn't work out, oh well, find someone else. that's how we play the game.

[Redhead14]

Hi guys!

 

I'm going on a date tonight with a new guy

 

He asked to see me within the first day of chatting, he has texted me everyday since he initially reached out to me. We text throughout the day. He compliments me and wants to know all about me. He seems incredibly sweet and communicative. Very open about his feelings and life, if he's the same way in person I think we'll really hit it off.

 

He was honest with me about something that kind set off my red flag alarm, but I dont know if I'm reading too much into it

 

He's 38 (I'm 30) he's has 4 long term relationships, 2 of which he ended because he felt marriage wasnt going to work out with them. He said he knew this would cause a little concern for me as he seems indecisive about taking that leap. Then he said,

 

"At this point in my life I'm not about wasting anyone's time. I want to fall in love. Deeply in love. I want to be happy with one person that I can make equally just as happy. My only intention in dating at this point is to fall in love and find someone to spoil for the rest of my life. I am a pleaser, I need someone to please already!"

 

Again, he seems like a super sweet guy and I know its just one date. Now that I'm 30 I just want to be incredibly choosey about who I date. I'm not rushing marriage or kids, I just want to make sure I'm on the right track

 

Thanks guys!!!

 

set off my red flag alarm -- The alarm mechanism is hair-triggered

 

"At this point in my life I'm not about wasting anyone's time. I want to fall in love. Deeply in love. I want to be happy with one person that I can make equally just as happy. My only intention in dating at this point is to fall in love and find someone to spoil for the rest of my life. I am a pleaser, I need someone to please already!"

 

If he had finished that statement with and "I know it's going to be you" or some such words, yeah, I'd be hesitant too. He's just trying to say he's seriously dating for a relationship so you are at least on that same page. And, there's no way you can possibly say that will happen between you two unless you have some dates. A whole bunch of dates.

 

And, he might just be saying this because he knows that's what most women want to get the date, but that is where you need to pay attention and listen and observe going forward.

[amaysngrace]

Exactly. Pay attention to what he does rather than what he says and if the two match up you're golden!

[SunnyWeather]

I think it would depend on my level of attraction.

 

If I were mildly interested, I probably would be a bit reserved and see how things develop, or hyper vigilant for clingy behavior.

 

BUT, if the attraction level were high, I'd probably be enchanted

[travelbug1996]

Don't be vulnerable to words. Pay attention to consistent actions. He's infatuated right now.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Exactly. Pay attention to what he does rather than what he says and if the two match up you're golden!

 

He hasn't said anything that indicates he's any more or less honest than the next person/player. His words could easily be a shiny lure to keep you naively interested and his honesty about not being marriage material yet, well, ok....You're not looking to get married right now either, right?

 

All in all, just be as vigilant as you should be. He doesn't strike me as anyone to feel too confident about, like amaysngrace says, 'pay attention to what he does rather than what he says.....'

[Dis]

I'm going to point out the obvious bolded above^^^ it's a little ironic that you are worried about him not being able to take a leap to marriage when you seem to be having trouble taking the leap for a little ol' first date, no? Just take that leap, you will learn more in the first 2-4 dates that will ACTUALLY help you answer these questions in your mind vs speculation fuel perhaps by anxiety. Trust yourself to know that once you have enough info, if it's not right you have the strength and wisdom to determine that and cut it off. At the very least, you will perhaps have a fun night, make a new friend. Maybe don't take things so seriously? You can be choosy and get experience and have fun all at the same time. At this point you have more to gain than to lose: if it ends up being THE guy, you will thank your lucky stars that you went on the date; if it's not, you will have spent a night on a date, that's it.

 

About his "leaping" problem, maybe the previous girls were all not the right ones and he is searching for that. I give the guy credit for not forcing something where it was not IT. That's another plausible explanation. You will know what it really was as you get to know him. Go & have fun!

 

Hi VH!

 

The date went really great, surprisingly well! I was worried he wasnt going to be as engaging in person as he is over text, but he was. It was one of those dates where you're both attracted to the person and you also have that mental/emotional connection too. Thats never happened to me before

 

The convo was amazing, we both felt really comfortable talking to each other. He opened up to me about his past relationships.

 

The first one started when he was 16! It lasted for about 7 years. He ended it in his early 20's because he felt like he was too young for marriage and felt he needed to experience life on his own before he settled down. Sounds reasonable to me

 

The second lasted for about 4 years. She was 10 years younger than him and her the age difference started to be an issue. She was only 23 and he was 32. He felt like she had some growing up to do so he ended it when she started talking about marriage. He said he didnt want to lead her on or waste her time. This also sounds reasonable

 

You're right, I just need to keep my eyes and ears open. Be cautious but not overly so like I was before I met him. I think I've learned a lot in this past year of dating. I think I can trust myself. I have a hard time trusting myself but I think I need to try

[Dis]

set off my red flag alarm -- The alarm mechanism is hair-triggered

"At this point in my life I'm not about wasting anyone's time. I want to fall in love. Deeply in love. I want to be happy with one person that I can make equally just as happy. My only intention in dating at this point is to fall in love and find someone to spoil for the rest of my life. I am a pleaser, I need someone to please already!"

 

If he had finished that statement with and "I know it's going to be you" or some such words, yeah, I'd be hesitant too. He's just trying to say he's seriously dating for a relationship so you are at least on that same page. And, there's no way you can possibly say that will happen between you two unless you have some dates. A whole bunch of dates.

 

And, he might just be saying this because he knows that's what most women want to get the date, but that is where you need to pay attention and listen and observe going forward.

 

The underlined made me laugh because its so true I think I was being a little too cautious. After hearing what he had to say about his exs and his past relationships...I was being hypervigilant. The red flag alarm is off now

 

I've been sweet talked countless times, romantized too. I think I've gotten to the point where I can tell the difference between a romantic/sweet guy and a guy thats living in a fairy tale or just wants to get in my pants

 

He seems really humble and gentlemanly. Theres something very sweet about him. I dont get the sense he has a hidden agenda. I actually feel like he's safe...as in its safe to proceed with him so far. We shall see!

[Dis]

I don't see anything alarming yet.

 

How long he's been single?

 

How long were those LTR? If they all broke up at the same length of time l'd be suspicious.

 

Also don't let him sweet talk to you. I bet he said the same and felt the same when he first met those past LTR

 

Hi G! He has a 5 month relationship that ended 4 months ago. The girl actually got a guy's number right in front of him He's so f**king nice he tried to talk to her and resolve things! Then he realized she didnt have the best intentions so he ended it

 

His two serious long term relationships lasted 7 years and 4. See my reply to VH. Nothing seems to be alarming anymore

 

Oh and the cutest thing! A few days before our date I told him how I've been followed home a few times (I dont live in the best neighborhood) So he bought me mace and gave it to me on the first date! I thought that was so sweet

 

He seems like an honest, stand up guy. Like I told Red, I've been sweet talked many times...I can spot those guys from a mile away. He acually just seems really sweet and ready to find the right one. We both opened up and told each other we're not dating anyone else. Seems like we have similar values and goals in dating/love

 

One step at a time

[Versacehottie]

Hi VH!

 

The date went really great, surprisingly well! I was worried he wasnt going to be as engaging in person as he is over text, but he was. It was one of those dates where you're both attracted to the person and you also have that mental/emotional connection too. Thats never happened to me before

 

The convo was amazing, we both felt really comfortable talking to each other. He opened up to me about his past relationships.

 

The first one started when he was 16! It lasted for about 7 years. He ended it in his early 20's because he felt like he was too young for marriage and felt he needed to experience life on his own before he settled down. Sounds reasonable to me

 

The second lasted for about 4 years. She was 10 years younger than him and her the age difference started to be an issue. She was only 23 and he was 32. He felt like she had some growing up to do so he ended it when she started talking about marriage. He said he didnt want to lead her on or waste her time. This also sounds reasonable

 

You're right, I just need to keep my eyes and ears open. Be cautious but not overly so like I was before I met him. I think I've learned a lot in this past year of dating. I think I can trust myself. I have a hard time trusting myself but I think I need to try

 

OMGosh, great! See? At the very least you had a fun evening. Big breakthrough: taking chances and trusting yourself, which incidentally gets better with practice (not hiding yourself from experiences).

 

Like you said in your post below, step by step is the right thing to do. The mace thing was adorable. Cute. have fun!

[Ilovepizzalady]

I am a little conservative. I have had very bad luck with guys who were the ones to end prior relationships. Guys actually very rarely end good relationships. And it sounds like this woman was 27 when he ended it which is fine for marriage age in my opinion. He thought she needed to experience things? Why is he thinking for her? It's a weird statement.

 

Secondly, I think that he's a bit of a commitment phobe to break those off. To stay with someone 7 years and decide it isn't right, is a big sign of that. 4 years as well. HE must have known who they were within a couple of years and chose to stay.

 

So I do see big red flags here.

[Dis]

He ended his 7 year relationship when he was in his early 20's. IMO, I dont think guys (or a lot of women) are ready for marriage at that age...so I dont see this as a red flag....I actually think its smart

 

He didnt end the second one because he thought she needed to experience more. You misread my post. He ended his first realtionship because he felt he needed to experience life on his own as he entered the relatonship when he was 16. He ended the second relationship because the age difference became a barrier to marriage as she has some growing up to do...she was 10 years younger than him and seemed a little immature

 

I appreciate your input but as others have said these arent red flags. I agree now that I've heard his story. But who knows, all I can do is use the information I have at hand, trust myself and make the best decisions possible. Moving onward and hopefully upward!

Edited January 1, 2017 by Disillusionment373

[joseb]

Definitely keep dating him and see how it goes.

I don't really see red flags regarding the past relationships.

I do find it odd that he is talking so much about them, before even meeting, and then on a first date. Personally it's a topic I avoid on first dates.

[kendahke]

He sounds nice and honest. Take it slow. Don't let him get carried away before he knows you. In fact, if you decide you are interested, tell him, I don't want either of us to get carried away before we really know each other. Does that mean no sex? No, it's more about just not wanting him to project on to you this woman he has in his head.

 

Precisely.

 

Communicate.

 

OP, he has constructed his ideal and may be trying to shoehorn whoever he meets into that ideal--but you can only be who you are.

 

One thing about your post that has me concerned is:

he has texted me everyday since he initially reached out to me. We text throughout the day. He compliments me and wants to know all about me. He seems incredibly sweet and communicative. Very open about his feelings and life, if he's the same way in person I think we'll really hit it off.

IMO, all that texting before meeting is allowing him to further construct this perfect ideal woman in his head, but inserting your voice and thoughts into the construct. In general, when that happens before meeting in person, when these people finally meet, the guy is disappointed because you are being who you are, not how his ideal is. Happens quite a lot with OLD.

 

I hope that when you two meet, he is able to leave the construct at home or wherever and be open to who YOU really are and not who he wants you to be because he's already in love with that.

[Dis]

Precisely.

 

Communicate.

 

OP, he has constructed his ideal and may be trying to shoehorn whoever he meets into that ideal--but you can only be who you are.

 

One thing about your post that has me concerned is:

IMO, all that texting before meeting is allowing him to further construct this perfect ideal woman in his head, but inserting your voice and thoughts into the construct. In general, when that happens before meeting in person, when these people finally meet, the guy is disappointed because you are being who you are, not how his ideal is. Happens quite a lot with OLD.

 

I hope that when you two meet, he is able to leave the construct at home or wherever and be open to who YOU really are and not who he wants you to be because he's already in love with that.

 

I was actually concerned about the same thing. That his had this romantized image of who I was (or his perfect woman) because of all the texting. But we met and it went incredibly well. I have no problem inserting my own opinions, it would be hard for me not to be my genuine self. He seems to like who I actually am as a person. His interest level remains steady and consistent

[Dis]

Definitely keep dating him and see how it goes.

I don't really see red flags regarding the past relationships.

I do find it odd that he is talking so much about them, before even meeting, and then on a first date. Personally it's a topic I avoid on first dates.

 

I hear what you're saying joseb. I know a lot of people feel that way

 

I actually really like to hear about past relationships and I like to share too. It helps me learn about him, what he likes in a partner, what he doesnt like, any red flags in his dating history etc

[kendahke]

I have no problem inserting my own opinions,

 

That is good.

 

What I was talking about was him grafting portions of your opinions--the ones which dovetail into what he's wanting--onto his "Perfect Woman Construct™", while leaving out the rest which define your boundaries, your thoughts and your autonomy.

[Dis]

This has never happened to me to this extent before, but this guy and I are extremely sexually attracted to each other to the point where its now the focus of our interactions and conversation

 

I have to admit, I'm a tease and for some reason I really like talking sexually with him. Usually I would keep that to a minimum but for some reason we're like magnets and we both cant get it off our minds

 

Of course this sounds like a classic situation where the guy just wants to get laid but please be assured we've had talks about our values regarding dating and sex....I've told him I dont have sex outside an exclusive relationship, and even then I like to wait until I'm comfortable. He's always had long-term relationships and isn't the panty dropper type so this suits us both well. We're both only seeing each other

 

Our sexual tension is just the focal point of our time together now. On our past dates we'd have great (non-sexual) convo...we have so much in common, he's such a sweetheart. On the second date, I started to overthink, I was worried I was giving him the wrong impression so I talked to him about my concerns and he was great about it. He said he wants a long-term relationship and its important to him that its not all physical, he reassured me that we're on the same page, his actions back that up

 

But now we cant get off the sex topic and much of it is probably my fault because I tease him so much...but I cant help it. Its like its no natural for us to be like this.

 

Now I'm doing my whole second guessing and analyzing thing to the max which I'm trying DESPERATELY to avoid! Dont get me wrong, I always want to be cautious and use my best judgment but I cant do the overthinking again! I will self sabatoge if I keep that up

 

I kind of just want to go with the flow, but now I'm worried/overthinking/overanalyzing

 

Is this normal???

[joseb]

I hear what you're saying joseb. I know a lot of people feel that way

 

I actually really like to hear about past relationships and I like to share too. It helps me learn about him, what he likes in a partner, what he doesnt like, any red flags in his dating history etc

 

Yeah i understand that it's good to hear eventually, but if someone is doing this before even meeting, to me it feels like they are trying to rush things way too much, for whatever reason.

[losangelena]

Are you having sex or just talking sexually?

 

There's nothing wrong with that inherently. Yet I do think there's a certain timeline for these kinds of things (in a long term, committed relationship) and right up front is not generally it.

 

It's true that in the Venn diagram of men who want a relationship and men who want sex, the circles overlap a great deal. However, I also think that there's a tacit implication when men say they're looking for a committed relationship, and that's that they'll take some nookie along the way if they can find it. You don't know him well enough yet to know his true intentions for you specifically.

 

Let your inner voice guide you here. If you think it's not a good idea, curb the sex talk.