Considering Reaching Out

[Thatguy29]

Hi everyone,

 

Long time lurker here and I've(27m) been going through a breakup since mid July. I had been in a long distance relationship with my ex (27f) for about 2 years as I went through Uni and about we ended up breaking up not long after.

 

Some pieces to the puzzle.

 

We did argue quite a bit as you would imagine going through LDR with me in school and her back in our hometown. She was my highschool crush and finally had a chance to date her right as I was going away to school. She came with alot of baggage and we worked through alot of it, but it did leave me insecure in our relationship. We ended up arguing alot throughout our time, but we did have some really good times.

 

Communication, insecurity and jealousy was one of the biggest problems which I'm sure is easy to imagine in the circumstances. After graduation I was going through alot as my dad had an aneurysm, I was in the process of finding a job and we were arguing on top of it. I felt that she couldn't understand where I had been coming from and on top of all the other stress I told her we needed to break up because she was on a business trip in NY and had stopped responding to me after I lashed out.

 

I went to NC after 1 month of passive aggressive behavior between both of us and her trying to make me jealous via friends. During the time following she did everything she could to show me she was changing and finally doing things that I had been trying to get her to do the entire relationship. She used my family and friends to show me w/o talking to me.

 

After a month and a half of NC she reaches out to ask about my dad. I entertained and we had a decent chat, and she tried to keep the door open, but it was causing me pain that she wasn't talking about us. I was still in a pretty bad place and not willing to play games. Eventually I asked her what she really wanted from me and she told me not a relationship it was just about my dad (seems she was aiming for a FWB), because I had told her this when we first started dating because I was going away to school. I told her that if it was just about him I can't talk to her because I need to heal. NC since. I believe she won't reach out because I told we cannot be friends and is respecting my decision.

 

Fast forward and here we are now, I'm strong again. My dad is coming home this week and I'm in town. I do miss her quite alot, and feel that she may have changed quite a bit since we last spoke, I know I have. I realize alot of my faults and have taken NC seriously to work on myself. I know she is not the only one and I'm aware she was quite immature throughout and after the breakup. I have been fine up until recently, when I found some only stuff on accident about her and it seems she has possibly changed. I have her blocked on fb and haven't been following her on social media at all, but I know she still left a default picture up of us on twitter. I know her family liked me and one of her sisters still supports me on facebook.

 

I'm curious. Please help me decide if reaching out is ok? I feel it could set me back some, but things in my life are coming together and I feel that I am able to handle the outcome either way. Sorry for so much info!

Edited December 28, 2016 by Thatguy29
Adding info

[jamili]

I say reach out and get in touch. You were the one who broke it off so you, imo, should be the one to reinitiate contact. Its been 6 months, she might have completely moved on, but its worth a shot. Think about all the rhetoric out there for "dumpees" and how they should die before ever being the first to contact after a period of NC... she could even be following that "rule" and waiting for you to do it first. If you reach out and get shut down, well then you know. But as the dumper i really do think you should be the one to reach out... and don't send a breadcrumb either. Maybe see If she wants to grab a cup of coffee and catchup or something.

.

[Thatguy29]

Perfect reply

 

I reached out yesterday without actually reading your response Jamili, but we ended up meeting for a drink. It was really nice to catch up though she was saying subtle things to make me jealous, I didn't let them bother me and it ended really great. Thank you for your response, you were spot on.

Edited December 29, 2016 by Thatguy29

[Thatguy29]

I guess I do have another question if someone doesn't mind addressing it. So one of the things that my ex did was continually bring up fun times she's been having with guys post breakup knowing it would bother me. I assume she was trying to get a reaction out of me. Towards the end of our relationship I had become quite jealous and controlling because the stress of everything had gotten to me. I'm thinking that she is doing it to test and see if I've changed? I remained calm and didn't show her that it was getting to me, though it bothered me quite a bit.

 

Is this a sign that she is and will continue to be immature and try to illicit reactions from me? If so is it unreasonable for me (down the line, if things get better) to tell her to knock it off?

 

I'm not against trying to make this work, but I don't want to have to put up with that for forever. That was the one thing I noticed hasn't changed with her since we broke up and I'm not sure it's a deal breaker. She has made lots of positive changes outside of this, and she made a point of showing me.

[dumbass2]

You haven't changed. You are still the jealous type. It appears she may still be the testing type. Is that anyway to try and restart a failed relationship?

[Thatguy29]

Great point.

 

I'm willing to work on my jealousy, but do you believe this is something that can be fixed and made to work or does it just seem that we are incompatible?

[jamili]

I'm glad you ended up reaching out and that you were able to meet for a drink!

 

As per your latest question - I personally believe people can change and snuff out bad habits. Jealously can be rooted in insecurity, and is essentially a trust issue. You have to have more confidence in yourself, and realize if she were to cheat on you she would be doing you a huge favor, because it would make it super easy for you to just walk away without regrets, so don't let it be something that weighs on your mind. That said... I don't think it's right for her to be purposely toying with you or testing you.. if that is indeed what she is doing. I dated a girl who was always "testing", and I really disliked that behavior, it seems petty to me and immature. If it's killing you then there is no reason to put up with that, you could easily find a woman who wasn't going to test you 24/7 and try to get a rise out of you. A relationship should be fun and relaxing, not stressful.

[Thatguy29]

Thank you for your response again Jamili.

 

I definitely hear you about the games and yes it does bother me, but I do care for her deeply still and I'm willing to see.

 

As of right now we have had no contact since our meeting. We left off with her asking when I would be in town again and I told her I honestly didn't know, because I was in the process of moving. I asked when she would be my way again and she said sometime either this month or next.

 

My question is what should I do now? I feel like I'm kind of in limbo. Half wanting to reach out to her or at least poke her or something, but half wanting to give her space and wait until she comes this way or I end up going back that way...

 

She is leaving breadcrumbs on Pinterest, which I recently reinstalled because we shared quite a bit on there before. Should I acknowledge her crumbs or just stay away? She did mention she wanted to be friends, but also that her family, coworkers and friends liked me. It's quite confusing for me and I'm trying to proceed with caution so I don't f it up.

 

Any response would be appreciated

[Josephgro]

OP, I think you may have an anxious attachment style,not too sure. Go onto YouTube and watch Craig Kenneth relationship videos, he is a very experienced and knowledgeable relationship expert. Yes, expert. You should take his advice first if you do a session with him before you ask for advice on here. It's your choice though, he has many free videos too. If anyone wants to get their ex back, or at least have a chance, watch his vids. My brother (17) got his boyfriend back from his advice. It's a good story, so my brother "Mike" and his boyfriend "John" were dating for 10 months, and john broke it off because he needed to work on his family issues, and a bunch of other reasons that were obviously exuses. Craig told him to go NC, and since he went to school with him, it was better. He said to keep his interest level lower than John's, so if john feels like he wants nothing to do with him, he must feel even lower than that. Usually the dumper feels like they're on a pedestal, and the only way for them to gain interest in you is if you knock them down. Acting like you don't care you broke up and keeping your interest level lower will give you power and lower his pedastal. Of course If you cheated or abused them, good luck, but if the relationship had many many great times, it's better to try than not to. Of course you have to work on yourself. Therapy is a great way to treat problems possibly caused by deep down issues. Coach Craig mentioned that if the ex noticed, he will likely feel anxiety, maybe not much, but possibly some. Anxiety is the root to desire, and if you can get your ex to become anxious, then they will just think about you more and more. Of course some exes will give a crap about you...but this is just one of the best ways to get them back. This anxiety will cause them to want to reach out, but they will fight this. Maybe for a very long time until they can't hold back. Sometimes this anxiety takes months, or years to hit them. That's why some reconciliations take so long. The dumper will usually feel a lot of relief at the start of a break up too since they probably felt trapped and smothered in the relationship. My brother "Mike" kept this up and got "John" to reach out after a year. They have been together for 3 years since, and going strong. I have to mention also that they broke up another time earlier on in the relationship. Yes these stories are possible, but often time don't happen because of reasons like the dumpee blocked them on everything, they did something horrible, or the ex found someone new so they left them. Many more reasons but those are some. I hope this gives anyone going through a break up hope...hope keeps us going, but please do try to move on st the same time because they might just never come back. Good luck!

[Ilovepizzalady]

Go to Amazon right away and get the book "Attached" by Levine. You definitely can fix things.

[BrokenBranches]

Just wanted to say i read some of your posts, JosephGro and i'm dealing with a very similar experience, so it's interesting to hear. I'm the guy that was taken for granted in our stories. She started treating me like a **** buddy, but at the same time acting like we were bf/gf if that makes sense. Being coupley when we were together, expecting me to respond to her or do favors rarely texting me and asking how i'm doing. It felt like it was only OK when she wanted something, but when i did "i can't do that" and i'm the needy one or whatever. There's so many examples and details, i won't get into it. I was not expecting too much of someone who's repeatedly said she loved me, is scared of losing me and all that.

 

She's the type that's a serial dater and friend maker. During the past year i've known her, she had a falling out with 3 of her closest friends at separate times! One being my good friend. She would do a good job of hiding her anxiety about it, but once in a while she'd break down. Now that we're broken up, she's putting in a lot of effort to reconcile with our mutual friend which is hard for me. I think she was scared if we broke up, our friends would resent her, because deep down she knows she's' the one treating me poorly. So i thinks she's doing damage control by making this effort to see them, and it's working, so she's totally fine with the break up now. She's probably dating and slept with multiple guys already. For some reason she keeps posting on social media how "happy" she is. Maybe true, but it seems odd. Is that a cover up?

 

The way you said you treated your ex sounds so similar to mine. Anytime i got upset at something she did, that was completely her fault, she got really upset and made me feel bad to the point I'D end up apologizing. She was terrible at taking any accountability. This all ended in a fight, so i'm really not sure if she'll ever understand her faults or even apologize. Though i wouldn't be surprised, it would be even more disappointing, because when i first met her and dated her, i thought so highly of her. She was seemingly the nicest most considerate person i've ever met. seriously.

 

 

Can i ask some advice, you being on the other side of this? I'm sure she thinks i'm so mad at her and hate her. She would always jump to the conclusion that i was mad in the past. Couldn't think to consider i'm DISAPPOINTED and SAD. Well now, having some clarity, i'm all those things plus harbor a lot of regret.

 

Her thinking i hate her will probably keep her from reaching out. Personally i am undecided if i can ever be a friend to her again. Obviously i miss her on a friend level, romantically, AND sexually despite how she treated me. I liked her a lot, and i always longed for the times when we were so good to each other.

 

I feel that if we don't talk about serious things or she doesn't apologize, we won't be friends. One time she invited me to her party, asked if that's ok or if i never want to be invited again. Weird question and seems like she's 'trying to get something out of me, so i didn't respond. Since then, nothing. Another time, she was gong to come over to my house so i made sure to avoid her and leave, which she was aware of.

 

In your experience, did you ever or did you ever feel the need to discuss the past or apologize? How have you reached out to him if you have? I want to seem like i don't care about her anymore (somewhat true), but at the same time i just don't want to see her and have to pretend being nice to each other and all that. Do you think i'm better off avoiding seeing her at things or going to them, let her come to me and keep the conversation short? I think if i act overly friendly she'll think "everythings all good! didn't lose him as a friend!".

[mightycpa]

Hi everyone,

 

Long time lurker here and I've(27m) been going through a breakup since mid July.

Good grief! Just pull out your relationship rifle and kill the damn thing! Put it out of its misery!

[SerPundnes]

Good grief! Just pull out your relationship rifle and kill the damn thing! Put it out of its misery!

 

^This! I got dumped in october and are feeling waaaaaaay better than in november.

 

I sure hope I'm really up and running when 4 months have passed!

[Thatguy29]

So, I'm no where near as hurt as I was then, but I do still feel quite strongly for her. I never asked her to wait for me and it was a clean semi-amicable break. When I say I've been going through a breakup since July, I've been dealing with family issues, the breakup, graduating, and trying to secure a job so I didn't have to move back home since. She was on my mind, but so were many other stressful things. I didn't contemplate actually reaching out to her until the week my Dad was going home after being in the hospital for 7 months.

 

I read that book and it describes our relationship to the T. With me moving from a secure'ish attachment style to anxious attachment over the course of our LDR. She was DEFINITELY the avoidant style with anxious tendencies and as our relationship progressed with me wanting to get closer in an effort to create a stronger sense of security (due to lots of small unresolved problems) in our relationship. As I tried to create a stronger sense of security with her (probably from everything happening in my life), she naturally pushed away and neither of us understood how to communicate effectively because neither of us could understand where the other was coming from.

 

Thank you for the recommendation, I'll take it forward with me.

 

It does make me realize it would be an uphill battle going back into this relationship due to these difference in attachment styles, but with understanding (both willing) I think it could work. I'm ok with it not working too and I'm not really sure what is going to end up happening.

 

Anyway, I'm heading home this evening and we are going to meet up, so I'll report back.

[VeveCakes]

So, I'm no where near as hurt as I was then, but I do still feel quite strongly for her. I never asked her to wait for me and it was a clean semi-amicable break. When I say I've been going through a breakup since July, I've been dealing with family issues, the breakup, graduating, and trying to secure a job so I didn't have to move back home since. She was on my mind, but so were many other stressful things. I didn't contemplate actually reaching out to her until the week my Dad was going home after being in the hospital for 7 months.

 

I read that book and it describes our relationship to the T. With me moving from a secure'ish attachment style to anxious attachment over the course of our LDR. She was DEFINITELY the avoidant style with anxious tendencies and as our relationship progressed with me wanting to get closer in an effort to create a stronger sense of security (due to lots of small unresolved problems) in our relationship. As I tried to create a stronger sense of security with her (probably from everything happening in my life), she naturally pushed away and neither of us understood how to communicate effectively because neither of us could understand where the other was coming from.

 

Thank you for the recommendation, I'll take it forward with me.

 

It does make me realize it would be an uphill battle going back into this relationship due to these difference in attachment styles, but with understanding (both willing) I think it could work. I'm ok with it not working too and I'm not really sure what is going to end up happening.

 

Anyway, I'm heading home this evening and we are going to meet up, so I'll report back.

 

Read it again.

 

Avoidants can not be changed unless they enter severe therapy for a long long time. They will never, ever give you the two sided relationship you are looking for. Her entire life will be a cycle of dating and people in and out of her life.

 

I say forget this one...