Newly married and money issues straining the relationship...

[WCSU1987]

I mean money and trying to survive is part of life. Things wouldn't be bad if wasn't paying $300 a month for health insurance. The wife and I are both in school. The wife finished has to register for a test and hoping my March to have her LPN. As of right now the S.O. can contribute little financially.

 

The S.O. who's been saying 2 years with the MIL. It's mainly a separate place to live (Own living room, bedroom, full bath, and closets) just share the kitchen, driveway, washer, and dishwasher. For now paying $300 a month in rent.

 

The S.O. few weeks ago just told me the mom was having some buyers look at the house and the MIL is looking to sell. The S.O. now changing from wanting to stay with the MIL to renting once an LPN.

 

I told the S.O. there is no way can rent and if we did I would only contribute 25% (Up to $300) towards rent and the rest she have to cover.

 

Outside of bills ($1094), pay $70 a week in Groceries ($300 a month), $40 for phone, and $300 for Health Insurance no way can afford contributing to rent. Then 6 months a year I put $300 a month to school. 4 months a year I put $150 to taxes

 

Anyways putting a lot of tension on the relationship right now.

 

I told the wife not going to be able to give her a graduation gift probably, feel guilty but issue's with money.

 

Not sure what can do. I feel numb. I love the wife, but I love for her to understand the struggle. All it brings I feel is frustration from both of us.

[Mr. Lucky]

The S.O. few weeks ago just told me the mom was having some buyers look at the house and the MIL is looking to sell. The S.O. now changing from wanting to stay with the MIL to renting once an LPN.

 

I'm confused - you've lived with your MIL for 2 years? If she sells, won't you be forced to move regardless?

 

I told the S.O. there is no way can rent and if we did I would only contribute 25% (Up to $300) towards rent and the rest she have to cover.

 

Not really a cooperative approach to problem-solving. You should work towards a solution you're both vested in. You're both on the same team...

 

Mr. Lucky

[spideywoman]

I'm confused. There's a SO and you have a wife? Or are you referring to your wife as a SO interchangeably? And you're both living at your mother-in-law's place?

[Fugu]

I'm confused. There's a SO and you have a wife? Or are you referring to your wife as a SO interchangeably? And you're both living at your mother-in-law's place?

 

This confused me as well.

 

OP, I assume that the wife is the SO but why not just be consistent and call her a wife? Maybe that's suggestive of a degree of psychological detachment and separation, in which case the problems are already much greater than just money.

[WCSU1987]

S.O. is the wife. Started living at the MIL for a month. If she sells she sells not much can do there.

[WCSU1987]

I'm confused - you've lived with your MIL for 2 years? If she sells, won't you be forced to move regardless?

 

 

 

Not really a cooperative approach to problem-solving. You should work towards a solution you're both vested in. You're both on the same team...

 

Mr. Lucky

I feel with paying for insurance and food that the wife can cover most of the rent. The other option was the wife can cover 50% of the rent and 2 weeks of food.

[spideywoman]

So if I'm understanding correctly, you would be able to rent somewhere else for more than $300 if your MIL sells her place provided that your wife can contribute to said rent once she earns her degree and is employed? Or, you can continue to rent elsewhere without her financial input if rent is at $300? If that's correct, reading between the lines, is she not willing to do so? In my idea of a healthy relationship both partners, whether married or not, who co-habitate should share household expenses one way or another. (Unless of course one person cannot due to illness, or a decision was made for one person to stay home to take care of children, etc.)

 

Maybe I'm still confused and the above makes no sense. If it is the case, and if you haven't already, I think an honest conversation about expectations for basic survival is called for. Dear wife, I am doing everything I can but once you're also making money I would like you to spend X amount toward rent, or groceries or whatever.

 

Also as the above poster said, I also sense a detachment since you refer to her as "the wife" as opposed to "my wife." Sounds like you're referring to a generic idea of a wife as opposed to a specific person. It de-personifies her.

Edited December 29, 2016 by spideywoman

[WCSU1987]

I think the wife and I are good. The wife felt bad due to the stress finances were having on me and some how turn into frustration. Wife opened up expressed feeling bad, worried, and didn't want to be a burden.

 

For now living with the MIL. If the MIL does stay will stay shortly, MIL is so far very grateful in having everyone in the house, up until May till the wife finds employment.

 

The wife also expressed having trouble accepting, but realizing she have to give up a few things in regards to a place to rent due to the small budget.

 

Think between the wife and I can scrounge up about $900 for rent and utilities. Hopefully can find something with that budget.

[Mr. Lucky]

Think between the wife and I can scrounge up about $900 for rent and utilities. Hopefully can find something with that budget.

 

I don't have an issue with "the wife", have heard lots of women say "the hubby".

 

But you do seem to see her as almost just a roommate, as though you're two very separate people instead of a couple.

 

Is there a reason you don't simply pool your funds and approach the budget together? Don't think many couples assign one partner rent and the other utilities, it's what you can jointly afford.

 

MIL is so far very grateful in having everyone in the house, up until May till the wife finds employment.

 

We've done this with all out adult children, they've stayed with us a month here or there as they transition from school or residence. Agree with your MIL, nice to have them around ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[VeveCakes]

The wife can get a job to help. There is 0 reason one can't work and go to school. Absolutely 0 reason. Many women do and raise children alone at the same time. I worked all through Uni and paid for school myself. Time for her to job up.

 

I suggest checking into ""Till Debt Do Us Part", its a Canadian TV show that helps couples who are struggling. She also has a good website to help with budgeting and seeing where your expenses are going. The bottom line is if there is not enough money coming in, then you have to work more, or get rid of the wants.

 

Gail Vaz-Oxlade

[hippychick3]

The wife can get a job to help. There is 0 reason one can't work and go to school. Absolutely 0 reason. Many women do and raise children alone at the same time. I worked all through Uni and paid for school myself. Time for her to job up.

 

I suggest checking into ""Till Debt Do Us Part", its a Canadian TV show that helps couples who are struggling. She also has a good website to help with budgeting and seeing where your expenses are going. The bottom line is if there is not enough money coming in, then you have to work more, or get rid of the wants.

 

Gail Vaz-Oxlade

 

Exactly. I went to graduate school while working full-time and raising 3 children. It can be done.

[GunslingerRoland]

Yeah you don't sound like a married couple you sound like two roommates. You need to make decisions together, figure out finances together, there is no your money or her money.

 

But like others have said, almost everyone going to college works too. You should both be able to work at at least part time. I mean if you can both work at least 20 hours a week, then that is one full salary. Hopefully that is enough to bridge you through until March when she can work full time with a good salary.

[WCSU1987]

The wife work's, but makes about $300 a month then minus out bills.

 

As I said plan is to stay with the MIL as long as we can. However, if the MIL does move living situation is a bit cramped start looking for rents in May.

 

The wife and I figure will split the rent & groceries for the month.

 

I feel bad though not able to give the wife a proper honeymoon. With finances as they are realizing some things may not be possible with a honeymoon.

 

We invested some of our wedding money into a CD that we'll probably keep rolling into various CDs until ready to buy a house. Then about 25% of the wedding money put in a regular savings account. About $2000 that we'll use for a honeymoon this year, wife really wants to go on one this year, or next year as we can save up more money I suggested.

[BaileyB]

If finances are so tight and your wife wants a honeymoon, she should get a part time job to pay for it. It's really as simple as that.

 

And, another vote for the fact that calling her "the wife" is dehumanizing. If "the husband" ever called me that... He had best watch out for the frying pan that would be thrown at his head...

[VeveCakes]

You really shouldn't get a honeymoon when you are still living off of someone else! It's not a priority at all. People always think they are entitled to everything yet they struggle to pay bills. Honeymoon is NOT a necessity.

[BettyDraper]

I agree that a honeymoon is not a necessity. My husband and I will take our first international trip after SEVEN YEARS of marriage because we had other financial priorities.

 

The two of you are not approaching finances the way a married couple should. You're supposed to be a team. I don't know why finances were not discussed before you got married.

[GunslingerRoland]

The wife work's, but makes about $300 a month then minus out bills.

.

 

$300/month? So that is what about one 8 hour shift a week at minimum wage? I'm sure she can A)find a slightly higher paying job and/or B) work a few more hours.

[WCSU1987]

Don't know why I said $300. About $600 then minus car bill and credit card bills makes about $200 a month right now.

[Els]

This thread is just confusing all around. I would hope that you are communicating better with your wife than you are with us... Also, how much do you make? How many hours/week do each of you work?

 

I also think it's absolutely ridiculous to expect a honeymoon when both of you are living with your MIL and are students. If you choose to get married while both studying full-time, it pretty much goes without saying that the honeymoon will have to wait for a few years.

[Fugu]

Honestly, just judging by the tone with which you write, it doesn't really seem you're all that into the marriage or 'the wife.' She's your wife.

 

I'm not really so much criticizing you for that as I am trying to make you aware of how it looks from an objective vantage point. I guess the question is, how are you two going to work this out? You need to write down some concrete steps. I assume you've tried to put together a budget, right? Maybe living with the MIL is, for now, the best way to go. You can get extra cash with a part-time job or selling stuff on Craigslist or E-bay.

 

Honeymoon? Look, I know people who took honeymoons five years after their marriages because of financial reasons. Be creative and flexible.

Edited December 31, 2016 by Fugu

[WCSU1987]

Ha the wife thing has an interesting back story. When talking about the wife I will say my partner, but can't say my wife at least try not to.

 

Going to try to work with the wife in putting a honeymoon on hold for a year or two.

 

Also brought it up, wasn't too keen on it, of going on her own health insurance next year. Reason wasn't keen is supposedly I have good health insurance. If the wife stays on have to discuss her paying $85 a month to me for insurance.

 

We found some inexpensive rentals if we do have to move. Playing this by ear ideally like to stay with the MIL for 2 years, pay low rent to save up for a house, and move out in 2 year's.

[Lady2163]

It's a bit too late to say this: but you didn't have enough life experience to get married. You still don't. You broke the old rule of: look before you leap. Both you and your wife did. I wonder where your parents were or why someone or,er you respect didn't step up an say.

 

You got married with the idea of living with your MIL for two years? That's fine as long as she was onboard with it and all of you get along.

 

But you and your wife married knowing that your first two years would be temporary. That's not the best plan.

 

First of all, since one of you isn't in the military and you're not separated by distance, you need to combine your finances. Period. At this stage there is no my money, your money - it's all our money. Your bills are now joint bills, no matter who has more credit card debt or student loans or who makes more money

 

Then you need to pull out a piece of paper a write down all your bills. Both of you need to save paper receipts and then discuss what you're spending your money on.

 

Since you're in bad straits, you have a $0 threshold to start. By that I mean neither of you so much as buys a cup of coffee without telling the other one about it....or asking the other one.

 

My luxury when I was married was to eat lunch at school. It was probably $5 a day, five days a week or $100 a month. We had no extra money. This was my one bonus. Yet, I went without lunch and that extra soda for five or six weeks so I'd have money to buy him birthday presents.

 

It is about sacrifice. You both are in your mid 20s? This is the time for you to be working/schooling on the move for 16-18 hours a day. You don't have kids and you have the energy to do it.

 

I'm assuming your in the States. A lot of schools have bulletin boards or lists where you can put your name and what work you're willing to do. People from the town or city call when they need help with moving, yarwork or painting and such.

 

Your wife is going to be an LPN? People would LOVE to have her be a babysitter. It does suck up weekends and evenings, but it is tax free money.

 

You might be eligible for food stamps or other social programs. More than likely there is a food shelf that doesn't check income.

 

You've chosen a tough road. But, it is a temporary road. You need to set limits. Example: I will pack my lunch for one month or go without, if you give up Starbucks for one month. If that is something you both spend money on, you've just trimmed $200.

 

Oh - don't blow off getting her something for graduation. I treasure my $20 paperweight I treated myself to when I graduated. This only happens once in a lifetime.

[WCSU1987]

Our accounts are separate. I am upfront with my bills. The wife however, hasn't told me much about her student loans from her previous degree. As far as work I am 32 hours possibly dropping to 24. Try not to go below 24 hours so I can maintain my health insurance, maintain the tuition reimbursement, and keep myself afloat with bills.

 

The wife during school was working 16 hour's. Going to have to talk with the wife when she also goes for her RN and encourage her she needs to work at least 24 hour's a week.

 

That'll give us about $3500 a month, hopefully enough to keep us afloat.

[BluesPower]

Lady2163 - I wish I had met a woman like you in my 20's.

 

Sound judgment, common sense, it is like a dream come true.

 

Alas...

[Lady2163]

Our accounts are separate. I am upfront with my bills. The wife however, hasn't told me much about her student loans from her previous degree. As far as work I am 32 hours possibly dropping to 24. Try not to go below 24 hours so I can maintain my health insurance, maintain the tuition reimbursement, and keep myself afloat with bills.

 

The wife during school was working 16 hour's. Going to have to talk with the wife when she also goes for her RN and encourage her she needs to work at least 24 hour's a week.

 

That'll give us about $3500 a month, hopefully enough to keep us afloat.

 

I don't think you understand what I'm saying. Both of you probably need to be doing more. Raking leaves, babysitting, painting a neighbor's kitchen. These may not be steady, predictable jobs but they will bring in some extra money.

 

You married without a full financial disclosure? Ah....youth.

 

School, internships, study groups, homework. I was on the go out of the house for 12 hour days M-F. One day a week I was gone from 600 AM to 1000 PM. Then I worked ten hour days Saturday and Sunday. It sucked.

 

We did make it through that 1.5 year - 18 months straight, but were divorced a few years later.