Rea Posted January 1, 2017 Share Posted January 1, 2017 It's been a while since I've been around LS. This thread caught my attention. I can honestly say that I felt/feel compassion for xMM W. I suffered terribly with guilt which is what fuelled my ultimatums for him to make a choice. We talked a lot about his relationship with his wife. On the surface their marriage seemed fairly positive. The more he and I talked, the more issues seemed to surface. Some will say 'rewriting history'. I do not believe this to be true. He genuinely had unresolved issues with his W. Over time, through discussion with him I think I helped him gain a better understanding of how his wife may have been feeling during certain issues they were having. He is conflict avoidant. He and I remain in contact by text and phone calls, but have not met in person for over six months. Our relationship has shifted to one of friendship and before the bashers jump in to bash me for that, yes, I do know that it is inappropriate as his wife doesn't know about us. But to be honest I think our continued contact has almost been like separation therapy for both of us. I have very much needed him to validate his feelings for me were real. The likely alternative was that we'd have continued on/off push/pull with the physical affair. I can feel that we are both becoming stronger and needing less frequent contact. His relationship with his wife seems to have strengthened, they do much more together again. I am genuinely pleased for him, for them. I can only ever want the best for him. I have been through hell and back in this affair, but I honestly want him to be happy and wish him well. I can completely understand what Jenkins is saying about closure. I am grateful that I have had these months of low and redefined contact to process what happened between he and I, it has allowed us both time to gain perspective and understanding. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted January 1, 2017 Share Posted January 1, 2017 ^^^^ Yeah, I am not going to pretend I am some sort of good person. I still can't say I have a lot of compassion for her. I still feel like it's something he did to her, rather than something I did. I still think it would have been someone else, heck maybe there were others, maybe there have been others since. I had a D Day, I don't think he did (but unsure due to NC). I have empathy for my husband, and still feel like I am the villian, not the other man. It was never about her, or what she had or hadn't done, she was collateral damage, as was my husband. Oh, I understand and I'm honestly not trying to sound holier than thou. I also still believe that xMM was the one who is mostly responsible for his wife's pain. But I was a willing participant and I guess now I'm a person who likes to avoid collateral damage at all cost. Every person counts equally. Noelle, I read your threads and I have to say, I am humbled and quite impressed at your strength and the maturity you displayed going through your pregnancy and life in general. I'm a lot older than you and I could not imagine dealing with the things you dealt with and are dealing with, having your daughter with xmm. My son is 5, same age as your daughter, and I could not imagine him spending the weekend with xmm and his BS after the way he treated me. My hats off to you woman. Thank you, that was really nice. Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted January 1, 2017 Share Posted January 1, 2017 Compassion means to suffer with someone, ie to pity so strongly someone else's pain that you also feel it. I can see how it might be hard to feel that unless you can understand how it is. I can feel compassionate people who are dying of cancer because I can imagine it. I can compassionate those who lose parents, children or spouses because I have loved those people in my life with everything I have. However until H had his affair I had quite a pragmatic view of infidelity - hey, **** happens - I COULD NOT imagine it. I was callow and emotionally immature. Having suffered infidelity I cannot imagine having and affair and feeling compassion for the BS - it wouldn't be possible. To know the pain from the inside and to help inflict it on another leaves no room for compassion. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 104 posts deleted, one member banned and many many sanctioned is not a good way to start the new year! As the thread starter has been long lost in this one we will leave it closed. For those left standing, thank you for your contributions ~T Link to post Share on other sites
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