Bbz106 Posted December 29, 2016 Share Posted December 29, 2016 briefly had a crush on someone who was separated but ended up patching things up with his wife. Didn't get to serious kissing , flirting texting here and there.Ended up having a talk about my feelings and let him know it couldn't go further because of the obvious. He said he needed to figure things out and didn't mean to involve me in this mess. he told her everything and said he can't talk to me anymore. Not sure if she actually found something or he just came out with it. I see him everyday and it sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
KBob Posted December 29, 2016 Share Posted December 29, 2016 Sorry to hear about it. Sounds like you were a rebound and he's patching things up with his wife. Sucks but you can't blame him for trying to repair something that obviously has history and invested emotions. Just keep your head high and keep looking, you'll find yours. Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted December 29, 2016 Share Posted December 29, 2016 Been there... Very painful although never told him how I felt. Can promise you that you will get over it. I made conscious efforts to avoid any contacts with him or even seeing him at work. Forced myself to go on dates. That made all the difference. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 29, 2016 Share Posted December 29, 2016 Been there. Newly separated guys seem to always go right out and start dating. And I have heard this said and it's best to keep it in mind: Everyone usually gets back together at least once after a breakup and especially before divorce. I dated two separated guys and one whose status I wasn't certain of. And they both were getting sucked back into long emotional things with their wives, but neither one of them ended up staying with them. Or me. It's a roller coaster emotionally, so I can't recommend it, but one of mine was already a friend I also worked with, and the other was someone I thought was cool and was attracted to but never flirted with like that because he was married but then his wife is who broke it off with him. It happens. Every seperated or divorcing guy I ever knew said these words or close to it: I can't imagine never having sex with my wife again. So take that to heart. That's the part they seem to have the most trouble giving up and some of them are perfectly fine leaving as long as they can go over there for sex once in a while. It's kind of sad. Keep your eyes open. At this time, you need to just keep your boundaries up and tell him if he still wants to date once his divorce is final, let you know. Give him time to get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bbz106 Posted December 31, 2016 Author Share Posted December 31, 2016 Posted in another section but it may be more appropriate here. I was briefly crushing on a man that was separated for a short time. It didn't get serious. Flirting, kissing etc. he went back to his wife to work it out. Feel kind of used as I started having feelings for him. I don't think his intentions were that. I think I was filling a void for him though but lesson learned. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted December 31, 2016 Share Posted December 31, 2016 Well, it's hard getting involved with people already have someone - there's always that chance they will deep six you for that person. Especially if married and/or they have kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted December 31, 2016 Share Posted December 31, 2016 (edited) I think that's a healthy way to look at it (a lesson learned). Don't dwell on it. Just take that wisdom with you into the future. As we grow up and mature, we have to learn how to be our own parents (or advocates). Through experience, we can learn how to protect ourselves from people who aren't good for us. . Edited December 31, 2016 by Quiet Storm Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bbz106 Posted January 5, 2017 Author Share Posted January 5, 2017 How did you get through this part ? It was not an affair btw. He went back to work things out. I'm a strong person usually when I have to be but this really sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 It's hard to give very good advice when your post is vague. If it wasn't an affair, what was it? A legitimate relationship but then he dumped you and went back to an ex? Why do you have to see him every day, do you work together? If you are truly forced to see him every day, then create as much distance as you can. Only talk about about 100% necessary things, and keep it completely professional with no chitchat or smiles or fun. Stop talking as soon as you can in every situation. Otherwise, avoid him, keep on headphones so you don't overhear him talking to others, etc. Detach, detach, detach. It'll hurt at first but it's the only way to get over it. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
MaxineR Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Sounds like an emotional affair like mine... was it? It sucks indeed but since he chose to work things put we have to respect that decision and move on. Its very hard but we have to find ways to let go and move on. No contact at all. In my case he is a colleaue but transferred out. I do not have to see him anymore and as much as I am relieved at same time it feels bad not to see him. No contact and distract yourself once you think about him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bbz106 Posted January 6, 2017 Author Share Posted January 6, 2017 He was separated. Went back to work it out. there was just an undeniable connection and it was not sexual. Link to post Share on other sites
MaxineR Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 I hope you find strength to carry on. It will not be easy and you will always wonder what if or wake up in the morning with a heavy heart but time although slow will heal us .... Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 I'm still a bit confused. He was separated, but you didn't have sex? Or Seprated and you had sex and an additional connection? Do you work together? I usually try not to fixate on details such as these, since all too often people focus on the minituae rather than the problem at hand. I may have been where you are. I changed my entire life for a man who was going through the divorce process, but not completely divorced. He advised me of every lawyer appointment, didn't keep any secrets of the process and showed me papers without being asked. He spent several months bashing his soon to be ex wife. Then an opportunity came up that would have put him further in debt and taken most of his free time. By then we were planning to get married. I was against something that would put us much further into debt and limit our time together. So, behind my back he starts talking to stbx and, SURPRISE! She is all in favor of this new endeavor. So, he ditched me and got back with her. That was 30 years ago. They did eventually divorce, but not before he declared bankruptcy. He's tried the same endeavor with second wife....and filed for bankruptcy again. Anyway, I left and joined the military. And I have refused to ever move locations for a man again. So, I don't know if any of that rings true with you or not. If you do work together, I would either talk with him about getting a new job or just start looking for yourself if you don't want to talk to him. And this advice is too late, but I try to avoid men who have been divorced for less than a year. I'm also pretty cautious about men who spew hatred for their ex. One: everything could be true and 2: there is such a thin line between love and hate that it can change at a moment's notice. You can do this. It will get better. It may take some time, but it won't always feel like this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bbz106 Posted January 12, 2017 Author Share Posted January 12, 2017 Hi all- Ive posted Before, but I think I posted in the wrong forum. I have known someone for over ten years. We were pretty good friends. Met him at work. We've always had a lot of laughs and good conversation. I guess his marriage was rocky for quite a while (according to someone else). Went out with a bunch of people right after he got seperated and we kissed. I think I've always liked him but after that it was much more. Then the flirting etc. , innuendos never past that though. I ended up telling him I had feelings for him but was not going to keep this up because he is still married.he said he felt the same but he's back to work it out. Anyway, a few days later I guess ( according to him ) he confessed to his wife everything when he went back to work it out. He said no more contact. He was sorry he got me involved while he was going through that. It's hard now. I see him everyday and it's like we are strangers. I don't expect to be like we were before. I have mixed emotions at times about it, but I feel like I lost a special person in my life. Maybe it's just the fog right now , but it's painful. Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 It sounds like you and xMM were on your way to an emotional affair. It may be hard for you to see this now, but you'll eventually be glad that it ended there. I wish mine had ended at the long gazes and flirty texts phase instead of progressing to declarations of love and future faking. It will be harder because you have to see him everyday, but the best thing to do now is to go no contact. If you can leave the situation where you see him, try to do so if you can. If not, make sure you set clear boundaries around contact (preferably none, if that's possible), and enforce them. Every time you speak with him, email him, text him, or look longingly at him from afar will prolong your ability to recover from this (and open up the possibility for it restarting). As I'm sure others will tell you: MM almost never leave their wives. If he's conflicted, he'll just go back and forth, stringing you along. And, in the end, all this will be for you is a boatload of painful memories. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bbz106 Posted January 12, 2017 Author Share Posted January 12, 2017 No he's not conflicted. He got rid of my contact info. And told me sorry Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 No he's not conflicted. He got rid of my contact info. And told me sorry Respect his decision and do no try to talk to him at work. If you truly care about him, you'll want to see him happy, even though that means his marriage and wife. You two had a connection and he liked you, a lot. But he chose to work things out with the woman he married. They built a life together and it can't be compared to a close friendship/emotional affair. Sorry you're hurting. Consider asking for a transfer or look for another job if you can't handle working at the same place as him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bbz106 Posted January 12, 2017 Author Share Posted January 12, 2017 It's just been small talk. I don't go out of my way to talk to him, but I don't ignore him. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 I feel like people are leaping to conclusions a little. Sorry this happened to you, it sucks when there's the beginning of a connection and then it doesn't work out. Luckily, both you and he handled things about as well as can be expected. He was separated, so he was technically allowed to date. You quite rightly recognised the danger signs of a man who was still married and put the brakes on before it could get out of control. And it didn't work out. You do not need to tear your life up and run away from this situation. You do not need to feel horribly guilty. You did everything right. It hurts, the same way it would hurt if you started to get involved with someone and then they suddenly broke up with you to run off and join the circus... well, okay, not quite like that, because he's still around. Yes, it's going to be awkward for a while because those feelings are still hanging around. It would be a good idea if you could try to minimise your interactions with him for a while to give yourself a chance to get over it. It's never fun being stuck in the presence of someone you just broke up with (even if you weren't QUITE dating, you kind of were by some standards. it's still a breakup. even small breakups can hurt. Even FRIEND breakups can hurt.) Give yourself permission to be sad sometimes, but try not to dwell on it. YOU ARE OKAY. You are not messed up. This does not reflect badly on you. It just didn't work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bbz106 Posted January 12, 2017 Author Share Posted January 12, 2017 I feel like people are leaping to conclusions a little. Sorry this happened to you, it sucks when there's the beginning of a connection and then it doesn't work out. Luckily, both you and he handled things about as well as can be expected. He was separated, so he was technically allowed to date. You quite rightly recognised the danger signs of a man who was still married and put the brakes on before it could get out of control. And it didn't work out. You do not need to tear your life up and run away from this situation. You do not need to feel horribly guilty. You did everything right. It hurts, the same way it would hurt if you started to get involved with someone and then they suddenly broke up with you to run off and join the circus... well, okay, not quite like that, because he's still around. Yes, it's going to be awkward for a while because those feelings are still hanging around. It would be a good idea if you could try to minimise your interactions with him for a while to give yourself a chance to get over it. It's never fun being stuck in the presence of someone you just broke up with (even if you weren't QUITE dating, you kind of were by some standards. it's still a breakup. even small breakups can hurt. Even FRIEND breakups can hurt.) Give yourself permission to be sad sometimes, but try not to dwell on it. YOU ARE OKAY. You are not messed up. This does not reflect badly on you. It just didn't work out. Thank you for making me laugh with the circus thing ! I respect his decision because I understand why. I guess just feeling like he wants no part of me stings real bad. Whether I was there to fill a void or what I guess I'll never know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bbz106 Posted January 12, 2017 Author Share Posted January 12, 2017 I'm still a bit confused. He was separated, but you didn't have sex? Or Seprated and you had sex and an additional connection? Do you work together? I usually try not to fixate on details such as these, since all too often people focus on the minituae rather than the problem at hand. I may have been where you are. I changed my entire life for a man who was going through the divorce process, but not completely divorced. He advised me of every lawyer appointment, didn't keep any secrets of the process and showed me papers without being asked. He spent several months bashing his soon to be ex wife. Then an opportunity came up that would have put him further in debt and taken most of his free time. By then we were planning to get married. I was against something that would put us much further into debt and limit our time together. So, behind my back he starts talking to stbx and, SURPRISE! She is all in favor of this new endeavor. So, he ditched me and got back with her. That was 30 years ago. They did eventually divorce, but not before he declared bankruptcy. He's tried the same endeavor with second wife....and filed for bankruptcy again. Anyway, I left and joined the military. And I have refused to ever move locations for a man again. So, I don't know if any of that rings true with you or not. If you do work together, I would either talk with him about getting a new job or just start looking for yourself if you don't want to talk to him. And this advice is too late, but I try to avoid men who have been divorced for less than a year. I'm also pretty cautious about men who spew hatred for their ex. One: everything could be true and 2: there is such a thin line between love and hate that it can change at a moment's notice. You can do this. It will get better. It may take some time, but it won't always feel like this. He never talked bad about her. He actually never talked about her at all Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 No he's not conflicted. He got rid of my contact info. And told me sorry That only means that he made a decision that works for him right now. If reconciliation is hard, he may think of the lovely woman he began talking to when he was separated. I guess the point I was making is that many men in that situation might consider you to still be an option should he change his mind or become conflicted about his marriage. As many on the site have proven, you just don't want to get involved in someone's ongoing marital confusion. It seems like you're committed to that path, but I wouldn't be totally surprised if he tries to pull you back in one day. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 You were rejected and that hurt but take solace in knowing you weren't rejected because you weren't good enough. You were rejected because he's married and by default that comes first . Be flattered, and find someone single Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bbz106 Posted January 13, 2017 Author Share Posted January 13, 2017 That only means that he made a decision that works for him right now. If reconciliation is hard, he may think of the lovely woman he began talking to when he was separated. I guess the point I was making is that many men in that situation might consider you to still be an option should he change his mind or become conflicted about his marriage. As many on the site have proven, you just don't want to get involved in someone's ongoing marital confusion. It seems like you're committed to that path, but I wouldn't be totally surprised if he tries to pull you back in one day. well the good thing is once I'm over something I don't go back ! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bbz106 Posted January 13, 2017 Author Share Posted January 13, 2017 You were rejected and that hurt but take solace in knowing you weren't rejected because you weren't good enough. You were rejected because he's married and by default that comes first . Be flattered, and find someone single Yes I actually don't feel rejected. I didn't say her or me. I just said I'm not on board with being sneaky and I expected them to work it out TBH. Link to post Share on other sites
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