How do I gently tell my boyfriend about my (sexual) past?

[tooused]

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 8 months and we've been having sex for 1 month. Earlier in our relationship he volunteered the information that he's been intimate with 30 women. He didn't ask me and said he never would. He was uncomfortable with me not knowing. The problem is that I've been intimate with significantly more people than he has. The "number" is above 400. He has no idea and I don't know how to tell him. I don't feel like it's fair that he doesn't know and I don't want him to find out from some other source. I want him to accept me for me, not who he thinks I am. If things progress, I don't want this to come up later and ruin the relationship.

 

He has asked about my previous relationships, and I don't have many so he probably thinks I haven't been intimate with many people. He has said multiple times that the sex is really good and probably the best he's had. Because I know what I'm doing... but he doesn't know why. I was with a man who arranged for me to have sex with other men or made me arrange it. He got money and drugs out of it, and enjoyed watching. It was usually a daily thing. He recorded and published it sometimes. In return I had somewhere to live, food to eat and he paid for me to finish school.

 

I don't want to tell him all of the details but I feel like he should have some knowledge of it. I don't want him to be blindsided later on. I'm terrified that he will think I'm disgusting and break up with me. I was on his computer the other day and in an open tab he was looking at ring materials and what's the best thing to get. We haven't talked about engagement yet, but if it's even on his mind I can't keep this from him....

 

It's something that I don't talk to anyone about and I'm very embarrassed and ashamed over. He needs to know though.... I don't want to give him too much information, but not enough either. I've told a few men previously and they were disgusted and ceased contact with me or just wanted a booty call.

[IfonlyIknew]

As long as there is nothing today (STDs/HIV) that would affect him, I don't see that you owe him a #. If you truly are ready to be committed to this man, leave the past behind you.

[CobraX]

I can't tell you how he is going to feel, but it really sounds to me like you were prostituted out. Some guys would take a very bad view on that, but in my personal opinion I would have no issues dating a former prostitute. Here is the thing, you didn't have much choice in those men. A party girl who sleeps around picks guys she wants to sleep with. To me that is very different.

[Kempeitai]

I am surprised your bf would voluntarily bring up his notch count. I past 100 last year and stopped keeping track. Would never tell my S/O. Feel like that is personal info between you and the people involved. Wouldn't ask my S/O her number as well. Don't see it doing any good especially if the number is big. I would keep that info to yourself if I was you. Only thing I think people are obligated to share with regards to sexual experience is if they have any STDs or something.

[GunslingerRoland]

This is a tough one... I don't think you owe him a number... but you were basically a prostitute and an amateur porn star... is this a secret you can comfortably hide from your husband for the rest of your life?

 

I think you need to give it some thought on how you can frame it... I'm not saying to lie, but just to make sure he can see your side of it. If you weren't really into it, but it was more forced, then let him see you were a victim. If it was something you were really into, then own it, but then it was more about the sex than it was about the payment so put the focus on the fact that you love sex.

 

But it may scare him away, or he may never see you the same way again.

[Shining One]

If things progress, I don't want this to come up later and ruin the relationship.

There was a thread recently in which a female poster's ex sent a video of her having sex with multiple men to her fiancé. Her fiancé ended their relationship. I think you're right and you need to tell him sooner rather than later.

He recorded and published it sometimes.

This is even more reason to let him know. It's likely there is still "evidence" out there that can come up.

I'm terrified that he will think I'm disgusting and break up with me.

This is a possibility, but it's better to have this possibility come to light now rather than when your lives are further intertwined.

I've told a few men previously and they were disgusted and ceased contact with me or just wanted a booty call.

Some men will be accepting of this and some will not. You may need to make it part of your screening process.

[salparadise]

If he told you his number and then said he won't ask about yours, I suspect that he suspects it's something he be better off not knowing. Odd are that it would change his image of you, and not in a good way. But he let you off the hook and if you value the relationship and want to marry him, I say keep it mum.

 

If there are videos circulating on the internet, that's a different problem. It's a lot more likely to be discovered, and there would be no ambiguity. And if you're likely to be bumping into men you were with, that's yet another.

 

My feeling is that you should affirm with him that knowing the details isn't important and won't become an issue in the future. If he agrees, and if you're certain that you're going to be monogamous with him going forward, then don't disclose it. I think neither of you have anything to gain, but a lot to lose.

[Shining One]

OP, here is the thread I referenced in my earlier post.

[RecentChange]

The longer this goes, the bigger the lie will get.

 

Sure, most agree asking for “numbers” and talking in detail about sexual histories isn’t always the best…. Although I question this.

 

My husband and I had different sexual / relationship histories. And we spoke about it explicitly early in our relationship. I am SO GLAD that we did.

 

First, it meant I wasn’t keeping any secrets. Second, it showed he could accept ME, all of me, including my history which made me the person I am today. Third, it meant I didn’t have to live a life with secrets from the person I loved the most. And as the years went by, and bumps in the road were hit, it meant we had a deeper understanding of each other.

 

I can imagine having a skeleton this big in the closest would cause a lot of anxiety. Personally, I would wake up every day wondering if today was going to be the day he found out. And with things being published, your secret is far from safe.

 

My husband and I know things about each other that no one else on this planet does. Its part of being vulnerable to each other, and unconditional love. If you don’t have those things in a relationship, the security to be vulnerable, and a deep love that wouldn’t be tossed aside for past mistakes – I don’t think a ring would be a good idea.

[Satu]

Your past belongs to you.

 

You tell him what you want to tell him, and no more.

 

 

Take care.

[tooused]

As long as there is nothing today (STDs/HIV) that would affect him, I don't see that you owe him a #. If you truly are ready to be committed to this man, leave the past behind you.

 

Finding this out the wrong way, such as through someone else, could affect him today. I don't want him to be blindsided by it. I at least want him to have some understanding of it. Maybe just tell him what I did but not a number.

 

I am surprised your bf would voluntarily bring up his notch count. I past 100 last year and stopped keeping track. Would never tell my S/O. Feel like that is personal info between you and the people involved. Wouldn't ask my S/O her number as well. Don't see it doing any good especially if the number is big. I would keep that info to yourself if I was you. Only thing I think people are obligated to share with regards to sexual experience is if they have any STDs or something.

 

He wanted me to have full disclosure about who he was. He didn't want to feel like he was hiding anything. That makes me want to give him full disclosure about me. He hasn't asked, but I know it's not what he expects so I feel like I should tell him. He thought 30 was a lot of people...

 

This is a tough one... I don't think you owe him a number... but you were basically a prostitute and an amateur porn star... is this a secret you can comfortably hide from your husband for the rest of your life?

 

I think you need to give it some thought on how you can frame it... I'm not saying to lie, but just to make sure he can see your side of it. If you weren't really into it, but it was more forced, then let him see you were a victim. If it was something you were really into, then own it, but then it was more about the sex than it was about the payment so put the focus on the fact that you love sex.

 

But it may scare him away, or he may never see you the same way again.

 

I don't like to put labels on it, but I know. I don't think I'd be able to comfortably lie about it, or keep it hidden, from him forever. If we married I'd feel like I was living a lie. I want him to love me. All of me. My past is me and who I am. I know some people think the past doesn't matter but to me it does. It influences everything I do and who I am.

 

There was never a time that I enjoyed it. I allowed it to happen because if I didn't I would get beaten and raped. Going along with it wasn't as bad as that was. He totally isolated me from everyone I knew and I relied on him. I don't want to paint the wrong picture but also don't want to pull the victim card totally.

 

I don't want it to ruin the way he thinks about me but I know there is a good chance that it will. I don't know how I will tell him about it. Even just writing it here is extremely difficult and makes me really uncomfortable and nauseated.

 

There was a thread recently in which a female poster's ex sent a video of her having sex with multiple men to her fiancé. Her fiancé ended their relationship. I think you're right and you need to tell him sooner rather than later.This is even more reason to let him know. It's likely there is still "evidence" out there that can come up.This is a possibility, but it's better to have this possibility come to light now rather than when your lives are further intertwined.Some men will be accepting of this and some will not. You may need to make it part of your screening process.

 

That is what I'm scared of, him learning of this through some other source. Not so much my ex, because he's in prison, but someone else. There are over 400 mouths that could blab. It was recorded often and put online. My self-worth was so low at that point that I didn't care anymore. It was quite a while ago and I don't know how long videos are easy to find. I'm sure they could be found, I've never tried. I don't want him to ever see those, that is horrifying. I don't want him to go looking either. I don't think I could handle him seeing that...

 

If he told you his number and then said he won't ask about yours, I suspect that he suspects it's something he be better off not knowing. Odd are that it would change his image of you, and not in a good way. But he let you off the hook and if you value the relationship and want to marry him, I say keep it mum.

 

If there are videos circulating on the internet, that's a different problem. It's a lot more likely to be discovered, and there would be no ambiguity. And if you're likely to be bumping into men you were with, that's yet another.

 

My feeling is that you should affirm with him that knowing the details isn't important and won't become an issue in the future. If he agrees, and if you're certain that you're going to be monogamous with him going forward, then don't disclose it. I think neither of you have anything to gain, but a lot to lose.

 

Do you think maybe he always has suspicions that my number is higher? If he thought it was low he wouldn't care right? I don't want to go against his wishes and tell him information that he clearly said he doesn't want to know. At the same time, I don't want him to be totally blindsided by it if it comes to light.

 

I don't want him to think of me differently. I waited to tell him because I didn't want to tell him too soon, I don't want to tell him too late either. I moved quite far away so there is very little chance of bumping into someone I have been intimate with. I don't know if they would remember me, I was nothing to them just something to penetrate. At that time I always went by my middle name instead of my first name. Very few people knew that, and I have a very common last name. I stay off social media entirely. So I don't think it would easy for someone from my past to find me.

 

Maybe I should ask him if he wants more details or not and go from there. If again he says NO then I don't know. I don't want to hurt him with more details than he can handle.

 

OP, here is the thread I referenced in my earlier post.

 

Thank you for finding and linking that. I'll try and read it. I have a feeling it's going to be reading my worst nightmare. I'm so worried that he'll leave, like that guy did.

 

The longer this goes, the bigger the lie will get.

 

Sure, most agree asking for “numbers” and talking in detail about sexual histories isn’t always the best…. Although I question this.

 

My husband and I had different sexual / relationship histories. And we spoke about it explicitly early in our relationship. I am SO GLAD that we did.

 

First, it meant I wasn’t keeping any secrets. Second, it showed he could accept ME, all of me, including my history which made me the person I am today. Third, it meant I didn’t have to live a life with secrets from the person I loved the most. And as the years went by, and bumps in the road were hit, it meant we had a deeper understanding of each other.

 

I can imagine having a skeleton this big in the closest would cause a lot of anxiety. Personally, I would wake up every day wondering if today was going to be the day he found out. And with things being published, your secret is far from safe.

 

My husband and I know things about each other that no one else on this planet does. Its part of being vulnerable to each other, and unconditional love. If you don’t have those things in a relationship, the security to be vulnerable, and a deep love that wouldn’t be tossed aside for past mistakes – I don’t think a ring would be a good idea.

 

I want to be able to be totally open and vulnerable with whoever I marry. I don't want any secrets in a marriage or to feel that I'm living a lie. I'm always nervous that he's somehow going to find out. Every time he acts a bit off or the few times he's wanted 'to talk' I get extremely nervous. I don't want to live like that forever. I don't want to feel like he doesn't really love me. If something is bothering me, I want to be able to have him understand rather than hide it.

 

Already there have been conversations where I've felt a bit awkward or like I'm hiding things. I don't want to always feel that way.

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't like to put labels on it, but I know. I don't think I'd be able to comfortably lie about it, or keep it hidden, from him forever. If we married I'd feel like I was living a lie. I want him to love me. All of me. My past is me and who I am. I know some people think the past doesn't matter but to me it does. It influences everything I do and who I am.

 

There was never a time that I enjoyed it. I allowed it to happen because if I didn't I would get beaten and raped. Going along with it wasn't as bad as that was. He totally isolated me from everyone I knew and I relied on him. I don't want to paint the wrong picture but also don't want to pull the victim card totally.

 

I wasn't trying to make you feel bad with the labels, but they fit, and it is how it will be seen.

 

But this second paragraph is the important part. You weren't a wild girl, you were a victim. You need to remind yourself of this, and when you tell make sure he understands it. It's not the wrong picture, it is the truth. You were manipulated and forced into it. That is a victim.

 

It doesn't mean he'll understand, as you can see from the other story someone linked, but if he doesn't then it is what it is, and maybe being with someone who doesn't understand that victims aren't to blame isn't the best anyway.

[VeveCakes]

I want to be able to be totally open and vulnerable with whoever I marry. I don't want any secrets in a marriage or to feel that I'm living a lie. I'm always nervous that he's somehow going to find out. Every time he acts a bit off or the few times he's wanted 'to talk' I get extremely nervous. I don't want to live like that forever. I don't want to feel like he doesn't really love me. If something is bothering me, I want to be able to have him understand rather than hide it.

 

Already there have been conversations where I've felt a bit awkward or like I'm hiding things. I don't want to always feel that way.

 

This is very admirable and not found often. I was going to say keep it to yourself but if you feel strongly about this for your conscious...I would tell him. You can always show him this thread too if it easier. But if you tell him, you need to tell him everything, otherwise why tell at all.

[SunnyWeather]

Your past belongs to you.

 

You tell him what you want to tell him, and no more.

 

 

Take care.

 

this ^

 

It sounds to me like you want to talk to someone about your past. Have you seen a counselor?

[tooused]

I wasn't trying to make you feel bad with the labels, but they fit, and it is how it will be seen.

 

But this second paragraph is the important part. You weren't a wild girl, you were a victim. You need to remind yourself of this, and when you tell make sure he understands it. It's not the wrong picture, it is the truth. You were manipulated and forced into it. That is a victim.

 

It doesn't mean he'll understand, as you can see from the other story someone linked, but if he doesn't then it is what it is, and maybe being with someone who doesn't understand that victims aren't to blame isn't the best anyway.

 

I don't want him to think of me that way at all, but it is what I did. I have a career and no student debt because of that. Where I am now probably wouldn't have happened if I didn't do that. I don't want that to be the way he sees me. I don't even like to think of me that way.

 

I'm so scared my boyfriend will react the same way that posters fiance did. We haven't been together as long and mine is 'worse'. I have to tell it just right or he won't understand, and even then he might not.

 

This is very admirable and not found often. I was going to say keep it to yourself but if you feel strongly about this for your conscious...I would tell him. You can always show him this thread too if it easier. But if you tell him, you need to tell him everything, otherwise why tell at all.

 

I guess I just thought some would be better than all of it. So that if it came up later he wouldn't be as shocked. I don't want info to always be trickling out forever and him to never know when it's all out. I wish I could just know how much is too much for him. I can let him control how much info he gets by letting him ask the questions, but maybe he'd ask too many questions or I'd answer to detailed.

 

this ^

 

It sounds to me like you want to talk to someone about your past. Have you seen a counselor?

 

I see a therapist. She only sees women that have been in my situation or a similar situation. She's the best in the area.

[VeveCakes]

You can tell him what you are telling him might make him uncomfortable and he can ask you as much or little as he wants?

 

I don't think half truths are smart...if he ever learned it all he would always wonder what else you left out.

 

If he is ok with it then you know he is the one.

[elaine567]

Maybe you should go and have a look and see how easy it is to find those videos, if it is so long ago and they have essentially disappeared, then you may not need to mention them ever.

Of course there is your "pimp" and he may come out of the woodwork at any time, spilling the beans, so it may be very difficult for you to cover this all up long term.

I guess your bf/almost fiancé has no idea of any of this and I fear he will walk, once he finds out. Prostitution is not seen as something admirable in a future wife, no matter what the circumstances that you found yourself in at the time. To many it is a seedy, sleazy world that no "decent" person wants any part of or to be associated with. I guess that may be your bfs view too.

He told you he has had 30 women as he feels that is a very high number and you should know in case you were uncomfortable with it.

I guess as you said you have only had a few relationships he thinks that is your sum total and doesn't want to embarrass you by asking your real number ie four or six maybe...

 

I think you are very brave. I hope for your sake he is the understanding type.

Hugs.

[CobraX]

This is very admirable and not found often. I was going to say keep it to yourself but if you feel strongly about this for your conscious...I would tell him. You can always show him this thread too if it easier. But if you tell him, you need to tell him everything, otherwise why tell at all.

 

It's never a good idea to keep it to yourself. At the same time being too specific is not generally a good idea.

 

It's maybe just me, but with really high number women I'm much more interested in knowing if there are any diseases or pregnancies involved. Past that I want to understand how and why. Exact numbers don't matter too much to me.

 

I've dated women that in all honesty... I could tell they got around when they were younger. Only one woman was really good at pretending. When you get older you find most females can't hide this kind of stuff because it changes you a bit... and you know what to look for.

[SunnyWeather]

I see a therapist. She only sees women that have been in my situation or a similar situation. She's the best in the area.

that's great. have you discussed this with her? if you really are set on disclosing this to your BF, you might consider doing it with her present, if you have a solid long-term relationship with her. She could guide the conversation and also educate him on some of the psychological/emotional facets to this situation.

 

or

 

He didn't ask me and said he never would.

you really are not obligated to disclose unless you feel like you want him to know this side of you. granted, that wouldn't be so unheard of to want one's closest confidant to know things that are painful, it gives them a deeper understanding of their partner. having a close friend who shares our pain can be special and help unravel some of the burden, but you don't HAVE to

[RecentChange]

Personally I wouldn’t focus on the numbers, but I think it should be shared that you have suffered from abuse.

 

I know that you do not want to paint yourself as a victim, but if you were in a relationship that involved rapes and beatings, you most certainly were.

 

If he is a strong person, and truly loves you – I think he would have compassion for you. It took my husband a long time to open up about some of his past abuse, and he too was scared that I would somehow how think less of him. Honestly, all I felt was empathy for him, and hurt for him that he had to hide, and struggle alone with things for so long.

 

I know exactly that feeling of anxiety you are talking about if he seems just a bit “off” – I don’t think you can keep this secret. If he is observant at all, he probably notices when you have those reactions – and it has to be confusing to him.

 

I know its scary, but true vulnerability in a relationship is a beautiful thing. If you can share the truth with him, and he is able to respond with love – well, then you have the stuff a life time can be built on.

 

If he CAN’T accept this – well, I don’t know how you can love someone, and not look past prior abuse / bad choices.

 

Perhaps talk to your counselor about ways to broach the subject with him?

[CommittedToThis]

It was recorded often and put online.

 

Hi Tooused,

 

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position; since there are videos online it might be only a matter of time before your sexual past comes to the attention of your boyfriend.

 

Since this is the case, I would think about telling your boyfriend what happened to you -- the abuse, the threats, the videos, all of it. Just tell him what happened, and why.

 

No need to mention numbers, just what the situation was and why you felt trapped in it.

 

Wishing you the best. This is a tough one. Hang in there.

[RecentChange]

Personally, I think if your relationship is up to snuff for marriage, it will be able to handle this. And if it can't, well then it probably wasn't strong enough for the long haul.

 

I would be open with him, tell him how you are scared to tell him. How you fear rejection. How you love him and don't want to lose him, but that you respect him enough that you think he deserves the truth. Tell him how it's very hard to allow yourself to be this vulnerable, but you don't want to keep secrets from him.

 

Show him that you are doing this out of love, and that you hope he has enough love and compassion to still love you. Because the person sitting in front of him today is the exact same one he fell in love with.

Edited December 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[salparadise]

Do you think maybe he always has suspicions that my number is higher? If he thought it was low he wouldn't care right? I don't want to go against his wishes and tell him information that he clearly said he doesn't want to know. At the same time, I don't want him to be totally blindsided by it if it comes to light.

 

I don't want him to think of me differently. I waited to tell him because I didn't want to tell him too soon, I don't want to tell him too late either. I moved quite far away so there is very little chance of bumping into someone I have been intimate with. I don't know if they would remember me, I was nothing to them just something to penetrate. At that time I always went by my middle name instead of my first name. Very few people knew that, and I have a very common last name. I stay off social media entirely. So I don't think it would easy for someone from my past to find me.

 

Maybe I should ask him if he wants more details or not and go from there. If again he says NO then I don't know. I don't want to hurt him with more details than he can handle.

 

Yes, I'm guessing that he suspects it's higher, but he might be shocked to know what you've disclosed to us.

 

He basically told you that he values you and the relationship more than virtue (in the traditional sense), because it's not a principle he subscribes to. Even if a man says he doesn't subscribe, because of social conditioning it would be hard for most to keep this information from affecting how he feels.

 

I think an acceptable way to handle this would be to ask him to affirm that he doesn't need to know details, and that it won't be an issue in the future. If he asks for clarification, say that you've done things you're not proud of (therefore not being deceitful) and you're asking him to affirm that he doesn't need to know your number or every detail of your history. If he gives you that assurance, then you've got an agreement and the details of your past are not a condition of acceptance.

 

This is not unusual. All of the people I've dated, and even the one I married, did not disclose a number... and I'm certain that some of them had numbers considerably higher than mine. I just don't believe that this stuff needs to be disclosed. My relationships have not been conditional in this way.

 

 

I want to be able to be totally open and vulnerable with whoever I marry. I don't want any secrets in a marriage or to feel that I'm living a lie. I'm always nervous that he's somehow going to find out. Every time he acts a bit off or the few times he's wanted 'to talk' I get extremely nervous. I don't want to live like that forever. I don't want to feel like he doesn't really love me. If something is bothering me, I want to be able to have him understand rather than hide it.

 

In a perfect world this kind of total openness might be desirable, but it's a theoretical, utopian concept. You could tell him everything, but you already know what happened when you did that in the past. Sometimes, reality dictates that you can't have it both ways. It's similar to how some people talk about wanting to be loved unconditionally, but romantic love is anything but unconditional. It's highly conditional, actually. No one can change that by wishing it to be otherwise.

 

You have a decision to make, and several options...

 

-tell all and hope for the best based on the utopian concept, but you know the risks

 

-perpetuate the impression that you've always been a virtuous woman in the traditional sense, but with the weight of the deception and fear of discovery always present

 

-acknowledge that there are things in your past that you'd rather not disclose, and ask for his assurance that he's ok with the ambiguity, and the past is the past

 

Option three is a compromise that keeps you from living a lie, but preserves the relationship based on his acceptance that he doesn't need to know.

 

The loss of the utopian dream about total openness is the price you pay for the choices you made. Opportunity cost, if you want call it that. Everyone has to give up dreams based on having chosen other paths as we move through life. We are all living with the best compromises we can make given the realities.

Edited December 29, 2016 by salparadise

[Satu]

You could tell him that you went through some very traumatic experiences, that are very difficult to talk about.

 

I doubt that he would press you to do so, if you don't want to.

 

If you reach a point where you feel ready to talk and want to talk, then you can talk.

 

I have been through very heavy, genuinely traumatic experiences, and I never talk about them.

 

I went through years of therapy, and that is the only context in which I've ever talked about it.

 

To talk about it would just upset the listener, and I don't want that.

 

That was my conscious decision.

 

Do what you feel to be right.

 

For you.

 

 

Take care.

[smackie9]

 

 

 

I see a therapist. She only sees women that have been in my situation or a similar situation. She's the best in the area.

So why are you here asking a bunch of strangers, when you have a professional that is the best in the area?????