OnlyHonesty Posted December 29, 2016 Share Posted December 29, 2016 Your past belongs to you. You tell him what you want to tell him, and no more. Take care. That sounds like an ideal and black and white way of looking at things. So many people say ''the past is the past'' but it isn't. The past is part of what made us who we are and all of our actions have possible consequences. It is the fear of these possible consequences that lead others to invent phrases to make them feel better. You say the past belongs to her but it belonged to the girl in this thread as well. It's where someone sent an old video of her with multiple men... The past is not the past, we are combinations of our past, current and various futures. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted December 29, 2016 Share Posted December 29, 2016 Getting told by you would be worse than by getting a video from an ex, that's for sure. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
seekingpeaceinlove Posted December 29, 2016 Share Posted December 29, 2016 I would tell him about your past but not focus on any number if you're serious about the relationship and see a future with him. Your past is your past but it is a part of your history and part of who you are today. Also, there are images/recordings out there...he needs to find out from you and not anyone else. This is your truth and there is power in sharing it with the person you love and want to share a future with. Telling him will set your free regardless of his reaction. Unburden yourself and see the if this man is the right man for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mkn1010 Posted December 29, 2016 Share Posted December 29, 2016 Personally, I think omitting information (not disclosing very significant life experiences) is lying. This type of omission is extremely destructive, in my experience. If the truth comes out in another way, he will surely leave the OP, more so for not saying anything than the actual content. I would guess that that's why the other girls fiancé left her, because the video was sent to him by someone else and she never mentioned it. A lot of people (I included) would feel betrayed that I wasn't told, hence there is NO TRUST in these type of relationships. And without trust, you have nothing! As they say, the truth will set you free! If he doesn't accept the truth and walks, then that's on him. However, if you continue on with omitting these details, the longer it goes on the worse it will get and your conscience will continuously affect you leading to low self-worth indefinitely. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 I need to rearrange what I posted earlier... Getting told by you would be LESS worse than by getting a video from an ex, that's for sure. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyHonesty Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 I would tell him about your past but not focus on any number if you're serious about the relationship and see a future with him. Your past is your past but it is a part of your history and part of who you are today. Also, there are images/recordings out there...he needs to find out from you and not anyone else. This is your truth and there is power in sharing it with the person you love and want to share a future with. Telling him will set your free regardless of his reaction. Unburden yourself and see the if this man is the right man for you. Again, (the bolded part) that is simply an attempt to avoid the consequences of past actions, by trying to downplay or omit information that may shock, or bring about an undesirable outcome. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyHonesty Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 So why are you here asking a bunch of strangers, when you have a professional that is the best in the area????? You underestimate just how good we all are at this.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 Stuff that people post online, unless forensic experts verify those - no one can just say by looking at them that they are genuine. Your past is past... it's not real anymore. You are no longer that person. Why bring up all that now? If this guy is good to you, don't bring up past stuff. Live in present and be happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tooused Posted December 30, 2016 Author Share Posted December 30, 2016 He deserves better than me. He's a really good man and someone like me doesn't get a man like that. I should just tell him the truth and let the relationship end. He could find someone so much better than me. He is going to view me the same way people here do, as nothing more than a prostitute. He means so much to me and I don't want to hurt him. I should have told him sooner. If I tell him then I have to tell him all of it, I can't just let little bits trickle out for years. We have to be able to talk about it and put it behind us. I don't know how he could possibly be okay with it. I don't know if I could handle finding those videos. I can't even watch porn with other people. I can't see myself doing that and not be affected by it. I did a quick search and videos that were posted 8 years ago quickly came up (not of me), so I think they'd be easy to find if I knew what to search for. I thought there would be so much new content that it would just be so far buried. People always google each other these days, what terrifies me is him possibly having seen something already. He would have said something though, I'm sure... Or like a couple people have said, maybe he already knows that I've 'been around' because of the way I act. He's said things like 'you really know what you're doing', and someone inexperienced probably wouldn't as much. I feel like I know all of the different 'techniques' that men like and can easily figure it out. I haven't talked to my therapist about it. It seems obvious that I should but I haven't. I've been trying to process and think about it on my own. I have thought about having my boyfriend go with me and tell him then, but he doesn't know that I go and he likes to process things alone. I think he would feel uncomfortable and bombarded. I want him to know because I don't want to feel like our love and our relationship is a lie. I want to know that he really, truly loves every part of me. I don't believe that 'the past is the past', it is the foundation to everything I am now. I don't like my past, I hate everything about it, but it's forever engraved in me. I want him to understand the little things that bother me and know me better than anyone else does. I want to be able to trust him with everything and never have to hide things from him. When I'm upset and he asks what's wrong I hate saying 'nothing'. It shouldn't be that way. Nearly everyone who has gone into prostitution (or stripping) has done so because there is an abusive person forcing it or there was prior abuse. I'm not special, I'm just like them all. How he handles it is going to depend on his understanding of prostitution and opinion on it. I don't want to tell him exact numbers, I couldn't anyway. I stopped counting at 400. Not telling him that information feels like I'm hiding things though. I don't want him to guess that it was much lower or much higher. I guess higher would be better... I keep putting it off because I want 'just one more day' of our relationship feeling normal, and maybe just having our relationship. Confessing this to him might result in our relationship ending, and that is hard to swallow. I don't want to tell him more than he can handle or more than he wants to know. I think I have to let him know that I have something to talk to him about and let him control how much information he gets, as long as he has a basic understanding. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mkn1010 Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 I am very concerned that he doesn't even know that you go to therapy, to add to my earlier post, that is just another omission (lie) that you're keeping that will ultimately damage future trust if not revealed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 To the thread starter, your thread seems to have caught the eye of our hydra troll we have here on LoveShack, please report posts that are mean spirited and not helpful and it will be handled faster than if you engage them. Sorry and thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author tooused Posted December 30, 2016 Author Share Posted December 30, 2016 I wouldn't play the victim because you did benefit from that prostitution. How can you lie to someone you say you love? Do you want him to find out from other people who may have watched you perform those acts? I was going to say it is probably more than 400, you just stopped counting. So 500 people isn't the problem. 500 video tapes is a bigger one. Someone is going to recognize you sooner or later. Even if you changed your name. Just tell him everything. Just because I 'benefited' from it doesn't mean that I enjoyed doing it or wanted to do it. I don't want to act like a victim or not a victim, I just want him to understand it for what it was. Him finding out from someone else would be horrifying, I want him to hear it from me. I stopped counting but it's not like it went into the thousands of partners... I am very concerned that he doesn't even know that you go to therapy, to add to my earlier post, that is just another omission (lie) that you're keeping that will ultimately damage future trust if not revealed. I know, he should know. I don't like lying to him about it. I have to tell him. There are little things that he doesn't know about or doesn't understand because he doesn't know the whole picture. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 OP, I really hope he is a good guy and will handle this with compassion and an open heart. If not, you deserve a guy that will. This does not make you unloveable. I'm not sure why anyone thinks OP is required to talk about her STD status. It's none of our business and that's not what she's asking about. She hasnt said anything to make me think she hasn't been tested and acting accordingly. It sounds like it's been years since she was in college. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tooused Posted December 30, 2016 Author Share Posted December 30, 2016 grays: Thank you... My STI/HIV status doesn't concern anybody here and is no one's business but myself and my boyfriend. I don't know why people can't understand that. I hope he can try and understand when I tell him... I just have to decide when I'll tell him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 Only on this site do I recall hearing anything about grown adults having to address their past sexual experiences...No one ever asked, nor have anyone ever volunteered...I just would think it be impolite to ask, and Id probably expect someone to not tell nearly all, anyway... Don't quite understand the mindset... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
dpass Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 grays: Thank you... My STI/HIV status doesn't concern anybody here and is no one's business but myself and my boyfriend. I don't know why people can't understand that. I hope he can try and understand when I tell him... I just have to decide when I'll tell him. You are correct that your HIV or STD status is only your business (and your partners) and not a single person here has the right to that info. All I'm going to say on that matter is make sure you tell him. I'm guessing there is something, otherwise you'd just say you are clean. Just make sure he knows and understands the risks. With proper protection and medications, the risk of infection can be very low. Since you are already sexually involved, I'm guessing he already knows. If he is okay with a incurable std or HIV then he'll be okay with this. Regarding the rest of it, just choose a time when you are both free and have no distractions. Don't tell him if you are short on time or otherwise interrupted. If he has an important meeting the next day, wait. He will either be able to handle it or he won't. You won't know until you know. If I were you'd I'd write out what I wanted to say and practise it so I felt confident and wasn't leaving out important details. You may only have one shot to explain it. You are correct that most women who end up in the sex industry were abused. That doesn't make you any less of a victim. Being beaten and raped if you didn't oblige is abuse. Just because you benefited from it, if you can call it that, doesn't mean it wasn't abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 Right now he's just your boyfriend. If you need to tell him then do so. If it turns out that he can't handle it then to be honest that's te way it is. On the other hand if you marry this guy bringing this secret with you and he finds out then it's a whole new set of problems because you didn't give him the chance to choose if he wanted to stay and that's wrong. If the shoe was on the other foot, wouldn't you want to know before you married him? I'm sorry that you had to live in such a bad condition but this is something that he would need to know. One other thing. No doubt that if this guy put it on video, then it's lurking out there somewhere and there's a chance that either your boyfriend might see it or a friend of his might. Either way it's a catch 22 situation. maybe you should lay your cards on the table and let him know about it. Then he has a choice and if he wants to end it, then it would be a lot better then him finding out on his own after your married. It's called honesty. Either way I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out for you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 unsure how old you are....you being a prostitiute will be the bigger issue than how many you slept tiwht, How recent did this end from the time you started dating? Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 If you were into prostitution then, my friend, you owe him the truth. I am totally not bothered about the videos online though.... there is just too much stuff and most of it is fake. Link to post Share on other sites
LargoLagg Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 While the number is probably best kept secret, the existence of published video is the reason you need to let everybody you ever date know sooner rather than later, once you become a "thing". One day, he might see it, or it might be his friends, or his boss, or his client or who knows how he might stumble upon it. Somebody said the longer you don't tell, the bigger the secret gets. Spot on. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkElephants Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 If I tell him then I have to tell him all of it, I can't just let little bits trickle out for years. We have to be able to talk about it and put it behind us. You're right; tell him all of it so he doesn't find out bits along the way. It hurts way more than hearing it all at once. I want him to know because I don't want to feel like our love and our relationship is a lie. I want to know that he really, truly loves every part of me. You'll only know your love is real when you feel like you're living it authentically. As long as you're withholding what you feel is crucial information you won't feel at peace. It's kind of like the commitment talk: if he wants to be with you the he'll stick around. If he doesn't then nothing you could have done would have changed anything so it's best to rip the band-aid off. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 He deserves better than me. He's a really good man and someone like me doesn't get a man like that. I should just tell him the truth and let the relationship end. He could find someone so much better than me. He is going to view me the same way people here do, as nothing more than a prostitute. He means so much to me and I don't want to hurt him. I should have told him sooner. That isn't fair to yourself. I'm sure you have a lot more to yourself as a person than this one part of your past. It doesn't mean it doesn't happen, but you are as deserving of happiness as anyone else. You aren't incorrect, he could view you in the negative as some people here do, or he could view it in an understanding light as many of on here also do. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 Please talk to your counsler about this. Ask for advice on first how to tell him you are in counseling, and then why you are in counseling. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 You were horribly exploited in a time and place when you had no viable options. Step 1 is to get counseling and other survivor services to deal with the effect that this kind of mistreatment can have on your psyche and your whole life. Such as: https://cmsac.org/human-trafficking-services/ WomensLaw.org | Trafficking/Prostitution/Sexual Exploitation Organizations Chicago Alliance Against Sexual Exploitation | Survivors discuss importance of policy reform at Human Trafficking Conf. I consider it far more important for you to focus on your own mental health and recovery, than to frame some kind of disclosure to this particular BF. He may or may not be a good partner for you down the road, but right now you should not allow your view of yourself and your past to be colored by whatever his particular response may be. (Many men have a harsh, blaming, denigrating view of a person who has endured this kind of mistreatment....we've seen some on this thread.) Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alamo657 Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 So basically you were a prostitute and there are videos of you flying around the net ? Your bf will probably not take it very well. Sure honesty is good, but this truth will hurt... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts