How do I gently tell my boyfriend about my (sexual) past?

[dpass]

You said that your pimp was in prison, is this related to what he did to you? Will he be released any time soon?

 

I ask because if he is locked up over a crime he did to you, that affects the situation. First, it makes your story of abuse more believable to your bf. If you pressed charges it would be "proof" of abuse. That isn't how it should be, but that's how it is. Second, it could make him a threat to you and also your bf. You don't want him to show up on your doorstep trying to get you back into the business, and that happens often. He could try to beat and manipulate you into prostitution, again.

 

I also wonder, and I'm sure your bf will as well. Was it a romantic relationship between you and your pimp, as you refer to him as your ex, or was it a strictly "business" relationship? Again, I think it would affect how your bf sees and handles the situation.

 

Lastly, don't give him a number if you are unsure about it. You can't tell him it was 400 then later say "well I stopped counting at 400, it could be more like 800". After the initial shock, you don't want to do it again.

 

How old where you when this started and finished?

 

As a guy in his early 30's, with a similar experience level of your boyfriend, I think I'd be able to handle it if it was presented to me properly. If I found out through someone else though, it wouldn't end well.

[tooused]

Medically, I don't hide anything from him that could affect him. If there is anything to be aware of, he is.

 

I thought about writing it out, but I need say it. It has to come from my mouth. It feels like a cop out if I gave him a letter. We are spending the weekend together, at a resort nearby, it will be distraction free and maybe I will be able to tell him then. We are close enough to home that if he wants to leave he easily can, it's only 20 minutes away. I don't want to ruin our time there but I'd have all of his attention and focus.

 

There are resources to help people like me, while they are in that situation and when they are out of it. My doctor knew what I was doing and gave me information for people or programs that could help, I didn't accept the help. Eventually, I did, but not nearly as soon as I could have. That's (part of) what makes me feel like I'm not a victim. I had ways to give me an 'out' and I didn't take it. I didn't feel like I could take it, or that there was a point.

 

I try and think of if the situation was reversed would I want to know. I feel like nothing he could say would shock me, so it's hard to think like that. I know that he likes full disclosure, he's allowed me that. I need to allow him the same. We can't have openness and honesty on only one side.

 

I know that there are videos out there and I think they are easier to find than I thought. If I knew what to search for I could probably find many. It was filmed more often than not, probably. If I was at 'my' house it was filmed pretty much every time. It wasn't done well, the original point wasn't to make videos it was so I'd act appropriately because he could go back and watch, proof that I did it and 'marketing'. If I was doing it somewhere else it wasn't usually filmed (with my knowledge) unless it was agreed on before hand. Sometimes it was done 'better'. That was really hard to write.

 

As of tomorrow, I'm 29. This weekend marks 6 years since I stopped, which is the same amount of time I did it for. It wasn't a short lived thing, which I think makes it worse.

 

How do I word this... He is in prison for a variety of things, none of which are human trafficking or otherwise related to me. The earliest he could get out would be 2.5 years from now. I played no role in him getting arrested or charged. I was too scared to go ahead with legal action. I didn't want my own legal problems, it was illegal here at that point, and I didn't want him to have (more of) a reason to threaten me.

 

He was 7 years older than me. I met him through the school that I was going to and he was a masters student. He was in the student union and helped freshmen transition in. The first time I met him was when I was touring the campus and he 'took an interest' in me then. It started as a romantic thing then transitioned. I wouldn't say that we were together for 6 years. Intimate daily, but the romance quickly stopped. We weren't intimate until I started doing this. I was a virgin and he didn't want to ruin that, it was valuable.

 

I'm talking to my therapist today about it. Maybe I can clear up some of my thoughts or figure out how to tell him. How to physically get it out of my mouth. It's so hard to talk about any of it, let alone actual details. Just writing this post took a couple hours, yet it felt like 10 minutes. I constantly stop thinking and just relive it over and over. All of a sudden I look at the clock and it's 4:00 instead of 2:00. At that rate it would take a week to tell him.

[lolablue17]

Lets try mapping the situation.

 

1. You want to honest with you bf, so you want to tell him about your past.

2. Your bf has explicitly expressed himself about not wanting to know your "number".

 

About section 1 - Don't present it as telling him, is for him. It's for you, because you're an honest person, and you find it hard to live with yourself while not telling him.

 

Section 2 - In a relationship, you better learn to honor the other side wishes and needs. So, if you love him, you want to respect his wish not to know your number. If you tell him the number, you show very little respect for him. I assume, that he doesn't know the number because he thinks that the past is the past and he wants clean life with not knowing ALL the facts about you.

 

So, if you tell him everything, you're ignoring his wishes. I understand your need to tell, so I think that the best way to solve this dilemma, is to find the golden path.

 

Sit with him for a talk, and tell him that you respect his wish not to know about your past. But you don't want your past will be revealed in some way in the future, so you're willing to tell him when ever he changes his mind.

 

The very presence of this conversation will message him that the is something to tell.. and from now on, you should let him to decide. If he ask you to tell him, I advice you to tell him about your past, but not the number that is really not important. What's important is how it was done and not how much.

[tooused]

I can't take much more of this...

[William]

Folks, it appears we're getting our annual Christmas present from the troll brigade so, if spotting any obviously inflammatory postings from new members, simply ignore them or ignore them and hit the alert button and type 'troll' in the box. We'll follow up. My apologies for the disruption and please continue your discussion!

[lolablue17]

I can't take much more of this...

 

tooused, don't be insulted by small people, with small minds, who represent primitive way of thinking which fits to the age when people used to live in caves.

[IfonlyIknew]

I think the biggest issue here is you haven't forgiven yourself and are ridden with guilt. You feel obligated to get it out there to feel better. I still stand by leaving the # behind. You can tell him your past was dark and haunts you but you are not that person anymore. If you choose to tell him tomorrow, don't make it sound like a big thing "we need to talk" I'd open up the conversation in the light of "so everyone has a past, I don't agree with mine but I was a) young and careless b) went down the wrong path for money, I wish I can change the fact but I feel like the past can change us for better or worse, and I've done nothing but want to be better. I believe in honesty and transparency so I wanted to share this with you". Something along those lines ..

[dklaw]

So... You were a prostitute for 6 years. You have some sort of lifelong STD. You made thousands of porn videos. You only stopped selling your body because your pimp got locked up. Your first sexual encounter was selling your body to a man who wanted a virgin.

 

You need to get your story straight because he is going to nitpick it. You said you were forced, yet also said that you were offered help and didn't take it. You also said that you went out and found men to buy you for the hour. You used the money you made to pay your tuition and living costs.

 

Nothing there sounds forced. Maybe you didn't like it but you chose to do it for the money. At least own it. I would never sleep with a prostitute, current or former, and I would be disgusted to learn that I had. Your boyfriend deserves to know where he is sticking his penis.

 

Good luck.

[William]

^^^ Let's move on from the above rhetoric unless you wish to be removed from this web site as that member was.

[Timshel]

I can't take much more of this...

 

Don't let someone who doesn't know your value tell you how much you're worth.

 

Don't let someone who has done nothing tell you how to do anything.

 

Don't let someone who does not know you tell you who you are.

How the %* would they know.

 

Stay focused OP. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. Don't get distracted, keep your eyes on it and keep moving towards it...you will get there.

[Sweetfish]

OP the longer you hide this...the longer you fall in love with him. The more it will hurt if you in the future. You haven't healed your self and are not happy within and I don't see a healthy relationship progressing forward with weight you bear. I believe eventually you will sabotage this relationship and this may cause a relapse.

 

I don't see most men being ok with a 400 body count in the sex department. I would get a notepad and start writing down every possible question you might get asked by your boyfriend and write the answer. This will prepare you when you get blindsided by questions when you may be emotionally cornered.

 

Me personality, if i heard this from my gf.. I think sex would be my concern. I would feel like a go-kart on an Indy car track. I would question if I was good enough and I think its human nature to compare previous experiences you may had. Next would be what makes me so special that you want to settle down with me?

 

So many thing would have to come in to play for me to stay in this relationship. Im just being honest how I would feel about it.

Edited December 31, 2016 by Sweetfish

[smackie9]

Sex as a prostitute and inmate loving sex are two different animals. I have watched my fair share of documentaries on prostitution, and the majority say it's over in 6 seconds, and the guy goes off on his merry way, or they sit and talk. But there is are also the violence, that makes the experience even more horrible.

 

So you men out there think that it's a great sexual experience for the woman, think again. A lot of them emotionally detach, and they are not even there mentally. Strippers do this as well. They think about their shopping list or what colour of towels they want to buy or when to get the car washed.