i think Ive lost my mind

[SailorTwin727]

Ive been in a "relationship" for over a year now. When we first met, things were exciting and fun. We spent weekends at Resorts, made love in multiple places, spent the holidays together.

On our second date, she mentioned her room was sparse and she had no closet space as she lived with her parents and her "evil" stepmom took the closet. (The house is tiny). Being a gentleman, I took her to bed bath and beyond and dropped 600 on a rolling closet, towels, sheets, comforter, pillows, ect. Next it was her dad couldn't pay rent, so I popped her another 600 to help out. (This is weeks apart). Things fell apart and she was kicked out of her dads house. After two weeks I got her a room in a extended stay hotel next to her mom. We continued dating and loving and things were fine. I did spoil her and get her clothes and a car. I'm writing all this as a preamble..

Along comes tax season and things have been getting odd, missed dates, too busy, cant call at weird times. I then found out she was seeing her ex.When I confronted her, she swore she would drop him, left, then texted me she wanted him.

 

Over the next year she reappears randomly and I was going back to taking care of her, spoiling her, only to get hurt or cheated on again. (my bad).

 

Finally I wrote her off and cut contact. She came back again recently wanting to "borrow" 600. I simply logged into facebook and viewed the newest guy I knew about and there it was "In a relationship status" with her. I laughed and said as long as he and she are in a relationship - no.

 

The sad part is I want her back (even though I know it is stupid). Unfortunately, she has a grip on my heart, but I am resisting. I have moved on to a new gf, but find Im still wanting the old cheater - Im told she will grow up and do better, give her a chance, by her mom and family.... argh...

[Space Ritual]

Sailor,

 

You re nothing but an easy Mark for her.

 

You are probably one guy in a Rolodex full of suckers she can contact when she needs something.

 

Some guys are good for financial support, some are good for emotional support, an some are good for an old fashioned banging.

 

Sounds like you fall into category 1, and not the other 2.

 

Some people are pretty good at turning on the charm offensive in order to get what they want. Some people can do it by waiving their genitalia in the target's face. Some are good at both.

 

Your problem is pretty easy to address

 

1. Block her from all social media, and emails, phone, etc.

2. Download and read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" it is available in PDF form free of charge if you google it. It may work wonders for you.

3. Don't beat yourself up about it. Sure you are out some money, but you still have your soul intact.

[Try]

Over the next year she reappears randomly and I was going back to taking care of her, spoiling her, only to get hurt or cheated on again. (my bad).

She has a history of faking that she is in an exclusive relationship with you in order for her to get money from you.

 

She came back again recently wanting to "borrow" 600. I simply logged into facebook and viewed the newest guy I knew about and there it was "In a relationship status" with her. I laughed and said as long as he and she are in a relationship - no.

You are in no uncertain terms asking her to enter into another fake exclusive relationship with you in order to get more money from you. You clearly know this going in, so although her seeing her current boyfriend on the side would be against the financial deal that you are making with her, it will again not really be cheating in her mind since your relationship with her is based on finance and not romance.

[VeveCakes]

So she is financially unstable, unstable family life, serial cheater....how old are you both? Does she work?

 

When she comes to you ask her to hang out and leave the money out of it. Don't pay for anything, and see if she sticks around. She won't... focus on your new gf.

[Try]

The sad part is I want her back (even though I know it is stupid). Unfortunately, she has a grip on my heart, but I am resisting. I have moved on to a new gf, but find Im still wanting the old cheater - Im told she will grow up and do better, give her a chance, by her mom and family.... argh...

You do realize that the very fact that you are still talking to your cheating ex and her family about taking her back is cheating on your "new gf" right?

[SailorTwin727]

TRY.. if I wanted condemnation I would go see my priest at the catholic church. Thanks for being such an enlightened person and helping.

 

Basically I am still hurting and looking for any advice on how to deal with a bad situation. Logically, I know the answer, it is the emotional side I am attempting to deal with.

 

Yes - I suffer from White Knight and "nice guy syndrome". I'm working on it. No - answering a text is NOT cheating as I am not exploring a new relationship again - my answer was "Your in a relationship - go ask him". I paraphrased what I am torn about - but once again - thanks so much.

 

No, I wont offer money per visit to someone to be with me - i can get that anywhere at anytime. Seeking Arrangements would be a solution if that was my quest.

 

Facts not in the message, I proposed, she accepted, she wore the ring I gave her and we were planning a baby and life. Things got weird when she started wanting to stock up on baby goods and clothes. (I was out of state working and that really confused me)

 

You tell me how to stop loving someone and not feel anything - that would be a help. Perhaps a constructive critique on the 12 steps I need to follow. Beyond that - keep your avarice in check and try to have a better outlook on life.

 

This isn't a question on should I be with her, logically NO NO NO

The question is my heart hurts and I'm looking for peace and time isnt really helping much.

[SailorTwin727]

She has a history of faking that she is in an exclusive relationship with you in order for her to get money from you.

 

You are in no uncertain terms asking her to enter into another fake exclusive relationship with you in order to get more money from you. You clearly know this going in, so although her seeing her current boyfriend on the side would be against the financial deal that you are making with her, it will again not really be cheating in her mind since your relationship with her is based on finance and not romance.

 

I was raised to provide, take care of, and be the head of the family. yes, I expect an exclusive relationship. When someone asks forgiveness, you forgive. Or at least, try to. My mistake was in taking her back to only get screwed over again. This is crux of the issue - logically I know better, and the heartache isnt as bad as before, but hope apparently burns, as I considered her for a second.

[VeveCakes]

The first step to moving on is NC. I suggest you read through the forums on that. Second I suggest counselling, as to look into why you feel you need to use money and gifts to such extreme in a relationship.

 

That should help for the next little bit...

[SailorTwin727]

I will read them over and I have not initiated contact and am now refusing calls (38 missed calls from unknown this morning).

What you consider extreme is actually not that much for my earnings - I am learning to adjust what I give based on the person, not my income.

[VeveCakes]

I will read them over and I have not initiated contact and am now refusing calls (38 missed calls from unknown this morning).

What you consider extreme is actually not that much for my earnings - I am learning to adjust what I give based on the person, not my income.

 

I don't mean extreme based on the numbers, I mean extreme as in, pay for everything, give money, buy gifts etc. This should be saved for someone who has earned your commitment and love.

[Satu]

You can't buy love.

 

You haven't been trying to do that consciously, but on a subconscious level, you've been doing it full-on.

 

 

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

 

—C. G. Jung

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete her from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[basil67]

Oh Sailor, there is zero connection between being a gentleman and doling out wads of cash to a person you barely know.

 

It was only the SECOND DATE that she started working money out of you. Your reaction should have been to have alarm bells start ringing - not to open your wallet.

 

Sure, you were raised to provide. But the key word here is *family*. Not some user you barely know. And one can be *too* forgiving. There comes a time when we need to act on the warning signs we are seeing.

[Mystique01]

Unfortunately, this girl is only using you. I'm sure you already knew that,but sometimes it helps to hear from others something vocalized that you already suspect.

 

My guess for why you are having a hard time getting over her is because it's not really HER you're attracted to. I think what you're really attracted to is the feeling you get when she's in need and you can provide some sort of assistance to her. You like the FEELING of being NEEDED. You may even be attracted to the drama....even though you may tell yourself otherwise.

 

I do think like others have mentioned that you should seek out some assistance with this. I know sometimes people look down upon therapists, but they can be a huge help in aiding people to get over minor hurdles in life, relationship issues, etc. Being cheated on (although she wasn't your spouse) is a BIG deal. She was a woman you were in love with and engaged to. That's not just a minor thing.

 

In the meantime, I agree to block all contact. You can even change settings on your phone to block any "hidden callers" or "information unavailable" callers so that your phone just blocks them automatically and it doesn't even ring.

 

I just feel like this girl is bad news.... If she cared about you at all, she wouldn't be using you and your resources like this.

 

I wish you the best OP and hope you can get some help in getting over her.

Edited December 29, 2016 by Mystique01

[Satu]

It isn't really about the money, though that isn't inconsequential; its about emotional inequality.

 

I won't explain what I mean by that.

 

I'll just leave it here on the table.

 

 

Take care.

[Try]

I was raised to provide, take care of, and be the head of the family. yes, I expect an exclusive relationship. When someone asks forgiveness, you forgive. Or at least, try to. My mistake was in taking her back to only get screwed over again. This is crux of the issue - logically I know better, and the heartache isnt as bad as before, but hope apparently burns, as I considered her for a second.

Your mistake was not "in taking her back to only get screwed over again". Your mistake has been responding to her request for money with comments to her such as "as long as he and she are in a relationship - no". I do not think that you consciously realize this, but to her it sounds like you are offering the money in exchange for her breaking up with her ex and entering into a relationship with you again. This may not be your intent, but she sees the world differently than you. Until you understand this, I fear that you will have issues with this again in future relationships.