marky00 Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 (edited) Thank you for your story. I agree-- those letters are for yourself. I want to feel vindicated I guess. I don't want to be the one in the wrong. But I like how you put it in terms of control. I definitely lose my **** when I feel out of control. And contacting him would definitely make me lose my control over the situation. Silence between the two of you is way better than reaching out and not getting the response you want. Then what? I do hope/believe he will reach out someday. It's unfathomable that I'd never hear from him again. Look, I have huge regrets. My got deaf in an operation and I started losing my **** when I was forced to become a carer 24/7. That put a strain on things and she left. I had choices, I could have put my dog down (since he quality of life was already shot) but I chose to blame myself for my dog's situation and mine as opposed to moving past it. Was it a bad situation? Yes but I could have done better but didn't. In all the years, I was never able to explain to her how horrific things were for me, since in relationship's that just not how it works. She wasn't happy and she left, plain and simple. Personally, I think NC is the only way you can find peace in the situation because your Ex can't help you with this, only you can. In fact, NC sends them the strongest message possible, that you love yourself, that you have stepped up and taken full responsibility for your actions and that your Ex isn't required to be part of that process. This is more powerful than any letter or talk you can have with your Ex. Silence speaks volumes in this case. Look, I know the feeling, even now after like 2 years after the real BU, I still dream about being to explain what happened to me and get it off my chest but you can only bang your head against a wall so many times right? I'm definitely as stronger person now and have unwillingly accepted that a talk like that probably will never happen. Remember, they left without explaining themselves and that bothered you because unfortunately us humans find that attractive behaviour. Now you must do the same. You reach your conclusions in silence without an explanation and never break that silence unless you are 100% sure that you are going to be benefited by it. P.S. I have been thinking last while why my Ex contacted me 2 days ago after 5 months NC. At first I thought, oh maybe she misses me or w/e. Butt as more time as passed I have realised I cannot respond to the message. There is many stories of dumpers sending out a message (breadcrumb) and the minute the dumpee responds, the dumper goes back into NC forever. No thanks. It's normal that occasionally we dream of contact to ease our pain but once it comes around, you actually realise it doesn't help at all. Edited December 30, 2016 by marky00 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BlkVelvet Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 Do it!!!!! Hilarious, lol. You're like a devil on her shoulder 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 Hilarious, lol. You're like a devil on her shoulder I'm an angel! And I meant what I said, she should do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jamili Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 I'm an angel! And I meant what I said, she should do it. Why? Just curious Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 I don't think it's a good idea, but maybe doing it and then having him ignore you, be brief with you, or inform you he's with someone else, will be what you finally need to move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jamili Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 I don't think it's a good idea, but maybe doing it and then having him ignore you, be brief with you, or inform you he's with someone else, will be what you finally need to move on. Yes, but it could push him away even further, maybe for good, if he was considering reconciliation. He'll know she still "wants him" and any attraction/mystery/anxiety that might build up will be destroyed, and he'll move on for good. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 Yes, but it could push him away even further, maybe for good, if he was considering reconciliation. He'll know she still "wants him" and any attraction/mystery/anxiety that might build up will be destroyed, and he'll move on for good. I don't agree with this at all. How long should she put her life in hold waiting for someone to come back who might be gone for good? Honestly, I suggested she contact him mostly under the assumption that he isn't interested in getting back together. It's just that some people need that a-ha moment to finally let go and start moving on. Reaching out to him and getting shot down after nearly a year may be the thing to bring that moment for the OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jamili Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 I don't agree with this at all. How long should she put her life in hold waiting for someone to come back who might be gone for good? Honestly, I suggested she contact him mostly under the assumption that he isn't interested in getting back together. It's just that some people need that a-ha moment to finally let go and start moving on. Reaching out to him and getting shot down after nearly a year may be the thing to bring that moment for the OP. I'm not suggesting she put her life on hold or go into a stasis until he contacts her, but I do think if she does want to leave that door open someday for a possible reconciliation, she should not contact him. Why burn the bridge for nothing? It's only been 7 months of NC.. sometimes it takes over a year or even more for NC to have an effect on the dumper and for people to reconcile. But contacting them just resets all that and delays any possible reconciliation/pushes them further away. I think she should move on, yes, but never contact him - let him contact her, if ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 Because it's clear she IS putting her life on hold until she hears from him again. I think if he truly wanted to be with her, he would be. Seven months isn't a long time, but it's enough time to really weigh the situation for a dumper as to whether or not they might have made a mistake cutting the other person loose. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jamili Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 Because it's clear she IS putting her life on hold until she hears from him again. I think if he truly wanted to be with her, he would be. Seven months isn't a long time, but it's enough time to really weigh the situation for a dumper as to whether or not they might have made a mistake cutting the other person loose. Well, her putting her life on hold isn't something that's going to be "fixed" by anything he says, or doesn't say. Contacting him isn't the answer to that problem. She needs to force herself to move on WITHOUT contacting him. It's just not worth it, especially if she does want to leave some kind of door open for future reconciliation while she moves on without him. We can't generalize the time thing. 7 months might be enough time for you to weigh a situation as to whether or not they might have made a mistake cutting another person loose, but that is not a universal rule. Everyone is different. I'm not just saying this to play devil's advocate either, just check out the Second Chances forum, other forums, or even people who reconciled that you meet IRL - many of them don't reconcile for years down the line. In fact, I'd say the longer the time apart, the greater the chance for successful reconciliation, because they have even more time to work on themselves, grow as people, and mature. It's better for her to learn to move on without contacting him, than to risk turning him off even more - which might just make her even more depressed and upset, knowing that she pushed him even further away. Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 Because it's clear she IS putting her life on hold until she hears from him again. I think if he truly wanted to be with her, he would be. Seven months isn't a long time, but it's enough time to really weigh the situation for a dumper as to whether or not they might have made a mistake cutting the other person loose. I disagree with this. Its all about the internal work u do. Whatever he says, there is always going to be another question. No dumper unless you push them to the absolute limit will flat out say "we will never ever be together again". People think moving on is totally forgetting and having a new life. That is baloney. Moving on is actually a state of co-existence. Your aware of your past, u embrace it but u still do your best to surge forwards. And yes I agree. Why push the dumper away and make it that much easier for them when in reality contacting the dumper yields zero benefit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weathersf1 Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 I would say Do It. Some people need a bit more medicine and you might be one of them. I did break NC, proposed, she accepted, started making wedding plans and promises of 'till death do us apart' only to be ghosted and left at the altar. The good that came was that I am absolutely, positively sure that it's over. I will never, ever question why it ended cause or maybe I could have done this or that. I did all there was but I wasn't good enough. So thank you for finally setting me free. Now I go my way and start a new life not constantly wondering what the future could or should have been. They made their choice and chose to live without us. Now it's upto us to make a path toward a fulfilling life without them. That's a choice only you can make. So go ahead and do what you need to. I did despite my better judgment and I'm glad cause it's was my attempt and I will never wonder e or look back. You won't either. Link to post Share on other sites
Nadine123 Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 My ex who ghosted and dumped me reached out to me after nine months. I maintained NC throughout. If he wanted to reach out to you he would have and when he does, I hope youre strong enough to not give him the time of the day. Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 Don't do it ! Get it through your thick head !!! Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 You say you've accepted the breakup, which could be true intellectually, but that doesn't mean your heart has given up hope. If true, then when he sees you, you will reek of this sentiment and your ex will know it. That's bad for some people, others don't care, but the almost universal feeling is the one the dumper feels. One of the most uncomfortable things in the world is being around someone who loves you and is hurt you don't love them back. You avoid that person at all costs and you dread the time you have to spend with them, because it feels like a burden, like a need you cannot meet and have no desire to try. Unless the ex is completely without empathy, in which case he won't care how you feel. A lot of times, witnessing this reluctance to be anywhere near you and mistaking it for something else is exactly what the dumpee needs to get emotionally detached. Sometimes, it helps people get what they can't get on their own - angry, resentful and dissatisfied. The last thing you should be worrying about is if this guy is in your life. After this is long over, he may or may not be. Your focus right now should be on ridding yourself of the emotions that you're feeling. If it takes reaching out, then do it. If you can do that on your own before contacting him, even better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 I feel like some of you are missing my point. I'm usually anti-reaching out if you're the dumpee, but like most things, there are exceptions. It takes time to heal, so there's nothing wrong with being not healed from a breakup seven months after the fact. But there needs to come a point where you have actually accepted the breakup and that the relationship will not be restored. To me, being fully healed and accepting that you will not reunite with the person are different things, and can come at different times. Usually the latter happens first. I made my suggestion because it sounds like after 7 months, the OP still has not really accepted that the relationship is over for good. Reaching out and being shot down may be what she needs to finally process that. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 That's true, but it doesn't change the fact that I still care for him. And you caring for him doesn't change the fact it's not reciprocated and that he left. If you care about him, respect his decision. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 I feel like some of you are missing my point. I'm usually anti-reaching out if you're the dumpee, but like most things, there are exceptions. It takes time to heal, so there's nothing wrong with being not healed from a breakup seven months after the fact. But there needs to come a point where you have actually accepted the breakup and that the relationship will not be restored. To me, being fully healed and accepting that you will not reunite with the person are different things, and can come at different times. Usually the latter happens first. I made my suggestion because it sounds like after 7 months, the OP still has not really accepted that the relationship is over for good. Reaching out and being shot down may be what she needs to finally process that. I think it can work in some cases. Reaching out to my ex after 7 months is exactly what pushed me to commit to NC. Actually seeing that he was indifferent convinced me that he had moved on long ago. I also felt slightly humiliated and decided I never wanted to feel that way again. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 Don't do it. And I'm not going the route that most everyone else is and saying it's because you're not over the relationship. I think you ARE over it. What I think you're doing is getting your own closure and trying to lift the burden of guilt off you by "apologizing." I don't think you're doing it for him. You're doing it for yourself. This is nothing but self-serving behavior, and selfish behavior. You basically admitted to cheating on him (keeping other men in your back pocket), treating him not the way he should be treated due to anxiety and whatever else. He's suffered enough. Leave him alone. Get your own closure. If he was "forced" to dump you as you so say, then lets assume he didn't want to leave the relationship. You coming back out of no where is going to stir up old ****, rekindle any feelings he might still have, give him false hopes, mess with his head, and meanwhile, all you want to do is "be his friend." Get real. Leave him alone and move on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 Looks like the OP hasn't been around in awhile so we'll close this up and give them an opportunity to catch up. Vericose, you may request this thread reopened via the "ALERT US" button ~T Link to post Share on other sites
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