jpchapulin7 Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 (edited) I am a long time lurker on this site and have always appreciated how insightful and thoughtful the community is here, so I thought I would finally join in. Here's my delimna: My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months now and I am really in love with him. Things seem really good between us, and he even traveled to Michigan with me this summer to go to my friend's wedding. My issue is his ex wife, who he still sees a lot because they have a two year old together. I've been upset in the past that he never mentions me to his ex and hides things/pictures that I've given to him before she comes over. He has always told me it's because he doesn't want to hurt her even worse than he already did by leaving her with a baby for a relationship with me. I always believed this because he seems like such a nice caring guy. But then I saw his text thread with his ex and now am feeling unsure. It seems like he is always the one reaching out to her, and not just about their kid either. He asks her how her day was, sends her funny links to news articles, texts her things like "Remember when we did blah together? That was so fun...", or says things to her like she always bought him the best gifts, etc. He even told her how he really misses her sense of humor, and how great she looks (several times). He also apparently has been trying to get her to spend time with him (park, breakfast, dinner, etc.) She seems to be polite in her responses, but never initiates any of the contact, unless it's about their kid. It makes me wonder how much his hiding me from her is really about sparing her feelings. When I confronted him about it he reiterated that he just feels really guilty for breaking up his family and wants her to feel good about herself. Is it possible that he is really just that guilty and wanting to maintain a good relationship with her for the sake of his kid? Or am I just kidding myself? Edited December 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 OR maybe the ex-wife is vengeful and will make his life a living hell and try to punish him for having a GF? what does it matter to you if she knows or not? None of her business. my ex left me for another guy then went cray cray and got a lawyer and tried making my life a living hell when she found out I was dating someone WAY hotter than her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 Hard to know for sure but, based on what you shared about him leaving his marriage for you, and this only being six months in, I can see his reticence, especially as a young father, to be out there about your R with his ex. His exW, if she puts her mind to it, can make his life hell for the next decade or two and that dynamic can not only mess him up, it can also mess up your R. From what she told me, my exW was you with her first H and ultimately the ex took down their marriage, or more precisely they let her. You have zero control over him and his ex and full control over you. If he wants to be nice to her and not gush on about your and his R, that's what he's going to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 It's best to feed the dragon than fight its fire. That's why I have no issue with being the "girl for hamburgers on the weekend" when it comes to dating guys who have kids. I'd EXPECT them to spend every allowable time with their kid and the better the relationship is with the other parent, the better the situation is over all. I would let it go. Don't nag him over this. Accept it or move on and get a childless guy. I don't see nothing wrong in what he's doing. Also, remember, at one point he did care for the mother of his child - oh and like it or not she "is" the mother of his child. So, to expect him to be cold and "matter of fact" with a woman he once loved and now is watching over his/her kid, is not gonna help them co-parent. Also, exes get crazy. Yes, even if she may never want him back - lots of women tend to get jealous and/or possessive. Lastly, while in this day/age some parents introduce every Tom, Dick, Jane, Joe they meet to their kids - some actually are concerned about who their kids are exposed to. So, again, last thing he needs is his ex finding out he's dating and introducing her kid to some stranger. Link to post Share on other sites
letsgetcoffee Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 A couple things: Dead love - We have this collective myth we all believe that once a relationship ends with somebody, it's dangerous/bad/unlikely to feel any feelings for that person. When you love someone, even if it ends in a nasty way, you'll probably still occasionally feel things for that person. The fact that he has a kid with this person complicates things even more. I still love all the women I have dated (as a dude), and think that's A-OK so long as I'm faithful to whatever partner I have now. Some people are more or less tolerant of their partner talking with exes, but both parties feelings are valid. If it's ok for you to be worried/concerned/potentially jealous, it's ok for him to feel something to his ex right : ) Managing relationships: I'm poly, so this may seem a bit weird, but I promise I'm getting to something. I think it's always dangerous to see, or want to see, how one of my partners communicates with the other, or for them to see my communications. Everybody communicates privately, and has a real need to do that, especially with people they have, or have had, intimate relationship with. In that type of communication, you don't have to censor yourself nearly as much, or wonder "how might this be interpreted by somebody else". When looking over such communications, that's a thing to keep in mind. For example, if a close friend/family member/etc died, gained omnipitence, and could see all the conversations you had about them, how would you feel? You've probably taken some opportunity to vent about them, in ways that are harmless, and over-represented your negative feelings towards the person when most of the time you love the f*** out of them. But if they saw that snippet of negative conversation, they might be blown away by the things you say in a moment of frustration. He may just be communicating in ways that work for her/maintaining the relationship with the kid/etc. Obviously, this is a thing that requires much more context to interpret. Spending time: One of the key questions I have is whether you think he's trying to spend time with her or the kid. You know much more about this than anybody here can, but that's an important question to answer, and maybe something you and him should talk about in an open way. Bottom-line: If you have a strong feeling that's unusual for you, or evidence to say that you think this guy is being shady/lying to you/trying to rekindle things with his ex, you should talk to him about it and/or consider whether this is a person you want in your life. The other stuff above was just some disclaimers to say maybe more information would be good before making that decision tree : ). Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 Hiding you from his exwife could be to protect her feelings, especially is she doesn't know she was left for another woman. More than likely it's to protect himself from being judged or called on the carpet for his cheating. Cheaters are usually most concerned with themselves. The constantly initiating contact with her is something else altogether. If he is reminiscing with her and sharing happy memories maybe he wasn't all that unhappily married. Sounds to me like he misses her and doesn't want her to move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 Wait a minute!!!! He left his ex for you and now you wanna know why he's not jabbering to her about you??? OMFG My ex, father of my children left me for another woman and I will tell you if he ever had the audacity to talk her up around me?!!! The **** would really be hitting the fan. I can't even imagine what you think he should be saying to her about you. And hiding pics of you in his place or whatever? Of course! He's ashamed of what he did. He wants to pretend it wasn't as ****ty as dumping the mom of his baby for some chick, so he's minimizing the chick. Of course he is! Do you expect him to be proud of you??? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 He left her to be with you: Can you elaborate on that please? You had an affair? she knows he was having an affair with you? If indeed that is what happen than don't expect him to be comfortable with showing you off. It will take a couple of years for him to take you out of the closet or till she meets someone else and move on. The other part of your story where he initiates contact with her, share past memories, gives her compliments, that is him - 6 months later - coming to the realization he may have made a mistake to break his marriage and he is trying to create a bond with her. I am a divorced woman, I did everything to keep peace between my ex-h and I but it NEVER included giving him compliments, chit chatting and sharing memories. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 My bf told his ex W about me immediately and she got super jealous and made our lives hell. Then he sort of downplayed our relationship to her and things got better only for him to decide that he does want her to know that we are serious. She has now been trying to sabotage us at every turn. I would much prefer what your bf did and for her not to know at all until at least 6 months to a year. That way the relationship has the chance to develop without constant interference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 I think the texts say a lot. He doesn't want her to move on... he's keeping a line there. Tread carefully. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Carl2020 Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 How you get a man is how a man leaves you. No man of character would leave his wife with a new baby. I'm sorry that you are stuck with him now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jpchapulin7 Posted December 30, 2016 Author Share Posted December 30, 2016 First of all, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to my post. I really appreciate the insight and thoughts. To answer the question of whether we were having an affair, I guess technically we had an emotional affair, but we didn't sleep together until after he left his wife. And I don't expect him to gush to her about me, I agree that would be cruel, but he flat out denies my existence to her in any way. I would just like him to acknowledge my existence at this point since we are in a real relationship now. But, a lot of you made good points about exes going crazy, so maybe he is just trying to play it smart with her. Several of you questioned his character, and I worry that maybe deep down, that has something to do with my nagging fear. On the one hand, he's such an affectionate caring guy with me, and he's great with his kid, but I also know his ex had no idea he was planning to leave her, which he said he did kind of on a whim by just not coming home the day after Valentine's day. Even I have to acknowledge that that was a pretty brutal betrayal, especially since I know he spent the previous day wining and dining her. So in the back of my mind, it makes me wonder a little. letsgetcoffee's question about whether he is trying to spend time with his kid or with her has given me something to think about. Most of the time in his texts it seemed like he was asking her to stick around and hang out with him during his custodial time with their kid. Like, "I bought the ingredients for your favorite meal, do you have time to stay for dinner?" I'll have to think about this more, it's a good point, but maybe he is also just feeling that guilty, especially given the way he left her. He's always said they had a great relationship before the baby was born and that she's a really great person, but after the baby their relationship and lifestyle changed into something he just didn't want or enjoy. Overall it seems like he is happy in his new life with me, but sometimes I just feel a nagging sense of insecurity because it seems he still thinks so highly of her. Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovepizzalady Posted December 31, 2016 Share Posted December 31, 2016 Yikes! The fact that he said he had a great relationship with her until the baby came then abandoned her to deal with the nitty gritty of the nights and days with an infant is insane to me. Do you not see something wrong with him with that? I know your feelings may be clouded by love hormones, but he left when the going got real. That's what happens, couples get married have babies and raise the kids. He left as soon as the fun slowed down and the responsibilities came. I AM FLABBERGASTED that you think that this is ok. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 31, 2016 Share Posted December 31, 2016 It seems like he is always the one reaching out to her, and not just about their kid either. He asks her how her day was, sends her funny links to news articles, texts her things like "Remember when we did blah together? That was so fun...", or says things to her like she always bought him the best gifts, etc. He even told her how he really misses her sense of humor, and how great she looks (several times). He also apparently has been trying to get her to spend time with him (park, breakfast, dinner, etc.) She seems to be polite in her responses, but never initiates any of the contact, unless it's about their kid. ^^^^This is the big problem you have. Forget about him not mentioning you, that is the least of your worries.. He is, I guess, regretting his decision and is now trying to get back with his ex. If she gave him the slightest encouragement, I guess he would be back there in an instant. Sorry, but you got involved with a man who had what should have been a temporary problem with his wife. He knows that now. Never get involved with people who have unfinished business with their exes. This man has unfinished business with his ex. Protect your heart. Step right back is my advice, as you are going to get seriously hurt if you don't. Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted December 31, 2016 Share Posted December 31, 2016 He's always said they had a great relationship before the baby was born and that she's a really great person, but after the baby their relationship and lifestyle changed into something he just didn't want or enjoy. Overall it seems like he is happy in his new life with me, but sometimes I just feel a nagging sense of insecurity because it seems he still thinks so highly of her. I wonder if he didn't realize that having a baby was gonna change his lifestyle a bit. Sounds like a real winner. Link to post Share on other sites
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