Ponderings of my situation

[ShatteredLady]

It's nearly 2am here. I can't sleep.

 

Jenkins. Do you feel that your love for your wife is in any way 'less' now? Now that you know that you could love another woman & contemplate leaving her?

 

When in an affair I think that the WS must convince himself that his wife has many faults, some exaggerated, some maybe unreal, some just focused on more. I think he must also think things of himself that he never thought before. Do these become neural pathways? Even once the motivation (OW) has gone has the cognitive dissonance become permanent/enduring in ways? Set in those dark pathways.

 

Character traits that my husband said he loved in me (or said were 'cute' or strong & respected) became negative irritants during his affair. Some of my traits were even used to justify his infidelity. Now he's back to complementing me on them. Inside I roll my eyes. How could something so pathetic now be cute again? How could something so annoying be endearing? Loathed now admirable?

 

I can't sleep. He was massaging me & all of these thoughts grew & tortured my peace. I was conscious of my movements, my sounds....what was he thinking? Why couldn't I ask? Would I believe his answer? How do I erase awful things said from my mind? Why do I believe & empower words said at that time so much that I can't believe the opposite no matter how many times it's said?

 

OW here believe so completely the things their MM say about the BS. I read the words. He crucified me with words to my face while I snivelled. How do I forget the words? What's wrong with me that I believed the words & hated myself? Why does he have that power over me? Why is my sense of self so corrupted that I don't know who I am anymore?

 

Perception is so powerful. They say that perception is everything. If that's how he perceived me, truly saw me, is it who I am really? Was my sense of self a delusion all along?

 

I'm sorry. I can't sleep. My spine is burning & shooting lightning bolts down my legs. These thoughts consume me. My heart aches & yearns for who I was, who I could of been, everything I've lost. I know, in the cold light of day some of these thoughts will fade but alone in the night while the house sleeps the 'I don't want to live this life', thoughts haunt.

 

Never mind. Tomorrow's another day. I'll go exploring our new village with the kids & their excitement will pull me up & through. I'm not a wicked person. I must of been so in a different life. Maybe not! I don't think I believe in karma.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It's nearly 2am here. I can't sleep.

 

Jenkins. Do you feel that your love for your wife is in any way 'less' now? Now that you know that you could love another woman & contemplate leaving her?

 

When in an affair I think that the WS must convince himself that his wife has many faults, some exaggerated, some maybe unreal, some just focused on more. I think he must also think things of himself that he never thought before. Do these become neural pathways? Even once the motivation (OW) has gone has the cognitive dissonance become permanent/enduring in ways? Set in those dark pathways.

 

Character traits that my husband said he loved in me (or said were 'cute' or strong & respected) became negative irritants during his affair. Some of my traits were even used to justify his infidelity. Now he's back to complementing me on them. Inside I roll my eyes. How could something so pathetic now be cute again? How could something so annoying be endearing? Loathed now admirable?

 

I can't sleep. He was massaging me & all of these thoughts grew & tortured my peace. I was conscious of my movements, my sounds....what was he thinking? Why couldn't I ask? Would I believe his answer? How do I erase awful things said from my mind? Why do I believe & empower words said at that time so much that I can't believe the opposite no matter how many times it's said?

 

OW here believe so completely the things their MM say about the BS. I read the words. He crucified me with words to my face while I snivelled. How do I forget the words? What's wrong with me that I believed the words & hated myself? Why does he have that power over me? Why is my sense of self so corrupted that I don't know who I am anymore?

 

Perception is so powerful. They say that perception is everything. If that's how he perceived me, truly saw me, is it who I am really? Was my sense of self a delusion all along?

 

I'm sorry. I can't sleep. My spine is burning & shooting lightning bolts down my legs. These thoughts consume me. My heart aches & yearns for who I was, who I could of been, everything I've lost. I know, in the cold light of day some of these thoughts will fade but alone in the night while the house sleeps the 'I don't want to live this life', thoughts haunt.

 

Never mind. Tomorrow's another day. I'll go exploring our new village with the kids & their excitement will pull me up & through. I'm not a wicked person. I must of been so in a different life. Maybe not! I don't think I believe in karma.

 

Your situation is really different. I want to say that what you are feeling is not okay, it's not something to sleep on or just get over. It's something really serious. You are obviously very unhappy. Is it just because your husband had 2 affairs or is it because you just don't want this life with him anymore? I'm divorced so I know what it is like to know inside your bones that you are done with this person. You are OUT.

 

I'm not sure why you think you would have brought this on yourself.

[ladydesigner]

It's nearly 2am here. I can't sleep.

 

Jenkins. Do you feel that your love for your wife is in any way 'less' now? Now that you know that you could love another woman & contemplate leaving her?

 

When in an affair I think that the WS must convince himself that his wife has many faults, some exaggerated, some maybe unreal, some just focused on more. I think he must also think things of himself that he never thought before. Do these become neural pathways? Even once the motivation (OW) has gone has the cognitive dissonance become permanent/enduring in ways? Set in those dark pathways.

 

Character traits that my husband said he loved in me (or said were 'cute' or strong & respected) became negative irritants during his affair. Some of my traits were even used to justify his infidelity. Now he's back to complementing me on them. Inside I roll my eyes. How could something so pathetic now be cute again? How could something so annoying be endearing? Loathed now admirable?

 

I can't sleep. He was massaging me & all of these thoughts grew & tortured my peace. I was conscious of my movements, my sounds....what was he thinking? Why couldn't I ask? Would I believe his answer? How do I erase awful things said from my mind? Why do I believe & empower words said at that time so much that I can't believe the opposite no matter how many times it's said?

 

OW here believe so completely the things their MM say about the BS. I read the words. He crucified me with words to my face while I snivelled. How do I forget the words? What's wrong with me that I believed the words & hated myself? Why does he have that power over me? Why is my sense of self so corrupted that I don't know who I am anymore?

 

Perception is so powerful. They say that perception is everything. If that's how he perceived me, truly saw me, is it who I am really? Was my sense of self a delusion all along?

 

I'm sorry. I can't sleep. My spine is burning & shooting lightning bolts down my legs. These thoughts consume me. My heart aches & yearns for who I was, who I could of been, everything I've lost. I know, in the cold light of day some of these thoughts will fade but alone in the night while the house sleeps the 'I don't want to live this life', thoughts haunt.

 

Never mind. Tomorrow's another day. I'll go exploring our new village with the kids & their excitement will pull me up & through. I'm not a wicked person. I must of been so in a different life. Maybe not! I don't think I believe in karma.

 

(((Shatteredlady))) I think like this too:( You sound like an empath just like me always feeling and thinking too much! It is exhausting these thoughts I still have them almost 5 years post Dday. I feel it has changed me permanently and that makes me sad ... you know that life could have been different. I felt like my WH loved me less post A too.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm overwhelmed by my life. It's been just too many things adding-up, piling-up one after another, after another. It's exhausting. So many things have happened in the last couple of years & what I truly needed to get through all of it was my best friend, my partner in crime, my rock, my love.

 

Just when I needed him the very most he did this to me. I don't mean the stupid NOTHING affair!!!! It's the cruelty. The things that he did & said. He did more than kick me when I was down...he crushed me!! How do you do that to someone you claim to love??

 

I live in physical agony 24/7 AND now I have emotional agony & it's all too much! I want to stop feeling. When I was diagnosed with cancer I was just numb. I didn't really care. I felt awful for the prospect of leaving my children but that's all. Ugh!!! I should be sleeping! God I wish I could just sleep.

[ShatteredLady]

The stupid thing is, I understand him, I get-it, I have empathy, I have compassion....THAT makes me feel so bloody pathetic! Is that why he can do this to me??

 

After the first d-day (when he was still lying) he said Thank you! Thank you for being so strong & fighting for us!! For keeping our family together! For saving me from myself." I said that I didn't feel strong. I felt pathetic for taking it.

 

You know why? He said the exact same bloody thing 12 years earlier!!! What will I say when I hear it in 12 more years???? Ugh!!

 

I'm so angry. I'm so angry with myself!! I try to protect everyone. My parents were staying with us when I read that awful New Years Day forum post!! I hid everything from them! (They're so fragile after my brothers death. They were so close to him) I should of got on the plane home with them!!

 

I wish I'd known that he was doing it all to sublimate the guilt of what he was doing. Bringing THAT nightmare BACK into our life just for a bloody ego boost because HE was feeling so stressed because I nearly DIED!!! Not, how does my wife feel in agony knowing that trying to be pleasing stopped her from seeking medical attention & it resulted in emergency surgery to save her life!! He convinced me it was ALL my fault!! That I was now a useless cripple robbing him of a life of "Love Romance & Adventure".

 

It was ALL about what I'd taken from his life by being sick. Just to cover-up the fact that he was sniffing around her knickers to make him feel like The Man!!!

 

And most of all...I'm embarrassed for him, embarrassed of him. How could HE of all people be one of those men he most despises? Why can't he say SORRY??

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so sorry for the thread jack. I've just lost the plot. It's all been building-up & ive popped!! Hahaha! God I need a drink! I need sleep!! I'm sorry.

[heartwhole]

ShatteredLady, I think that until you can communicate about the affair and he can provide some plausible reassurance that his poor treatment of you was confined to that moment in time, you will always be on edge. He's moved back home, he's massaging you, he's tolerant of the ex-boyfriend confessing his love for you . . . maybe he is all in, maybe he can be trusted? I don't know, and I think you can't either, until you can talk about all of these things.

 

My WH couldn't bear to face his shame early on, but I just kept revisiting it over and over. "This is what I need from you, this is what remorse looks like," etc. I guess I just didn't take rug-sweeping for an answer. In those early days he would try to shut me down by lashing out -- not with insults or anything like that, just getting frustrated and snapping, "I told you I was sorry!" or something. Snort.

 

I do wonder if these existential feelings you have are similar to what he felt when he and the OW began talking again. It was probably more to do with him losing his sense of self than anything to do with you or her. And him fearing that he couldn't be the strong one in your marriage.

 

Hope you are sleeping now.

[seren]

Oh Shattered Lady, I can so, so empathise with what you have written, I too was battling cancer and my connective tissue disease when H had his affair, he was battling PTSD and Combat Stress and back from a crap tour in Iraq. Two very broken people, I chose to throw myself into work, he into an affair. I can so understand those thoughts creeping into your head, the feeling like a doormat and yes, remember the words said so they can justify in their minds that they no longer love us. It is such classic avoidance and transference behaviour it is text book.

 

I balanced what if I left, what if I stayed, all this with the details of the affair laid out in front of me. I balanced what our marriage was, what it had been, what I knew it could be if we both wanted it to work, if we both could be brutally honest about what we both wanted, needed and demanded from this marriage to work. Of course they want to take a giant rubber and erase all they were, all they said during the A, they know they said and did the worse things. For us, it isn't so easy, erasing those not good enough feelings, the things said, the altered reality is almost impossible.

 

I talk to H when I have those moments, we discuss it, honestly. I sometimes rage about it, he cries about it, it cannot take away the thoughts, but over time, which is 9 yrs now, it becomes tiring, it becomes that was then and it is balanced against what it is now. If you cannot work with it, if you cannot close the page, file it, then make new memories, then it might be time to look at a different future.

 

It is all to easy to lump everything together into one big chaotic, great big ball of hurt. It makes things very hard to see past, I had to learn that each were different stages of crappery. The cancer, the illness, the medical retirement, the rape, the SA from childhood,the affair, the life during the affair and break it into smaller chunks. That which I could do something about and that which still hurt, but was always going to be a part of the history that is my life. Which were holding me back, which could I fix and which could I let go, then worked out how to deal with each. One thing I always realise is that I am such a damned strong woman to have survived so much as are you. I never, ever do anything I don't want to, my happiness and that of my child has been my driving force and I stick to that. If it is crap for me then out it goes. But, if it makes my heart sing, which H does, then I fight for that with all that I have. It takes time, it takes a lot of thinking and making a plan, then it takes time and rinse and repeat. You have had such a lot going on just lately, of course you will be reflecting on it all. I wish only but the best life for you xxxxx

[Chica80]

I'm so sorry for the thread jack. I've just lost the plot. It's all been building-up & ive popped!! Hahaha! God I need a drink! I need sleep!! I'm sorry.

 

(((((Shattered))))) I'm wondering a couple things....

1. Are you feeling this way like you finally popped because you are back on home soil. Surrounded by your family and those who love you. It's renewed your strength and all the things that were lying underneath. All that gangrene and (emotional cancer) lurking underneath finally has a release?

2. If part of your intense pain is emotional. Some people the emotional pain is so much and so hard to deal with that it manifest as physical. It's a way to cope.

I can only say....words are very powerful. They carry so much more power than people can truly understand. They can break more and cut more than "fist and knives"

 

This is the man you love. For better or worse who you expected to support you and comfort you at your worst. And when you needed him most, all he cared about was his own "pain and fear"

 

IT IS NOT OK to rugsweep. To just pretend that nothing happened and that YOU should be "happy and grateful" that he is still here. Because the truth is, is he? Is he still here? Are you?

 

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful words. I've just been asked a simple question on another thread & it brought to the surface the nightmare I endured 12 years ago. I was truly shocked at myself that all of that spewed out!

 

I think you're right...being home again after all this time...reconnecting with friends of my past, being surrounded by loved ones etc has made a change in me. I'm not sure where it's going to lead but something is awakening.

 

I recently discover that the group I was very much a part of in my teens & early 20's has a private Facebook page. I've joined. It's clear that they thought I'd vanished & would never read the words written about me. It's incredibly flattering!

 

It wasn't a figment of my imagination. I WAS that young woman. I remember reading/hearing once that women look back on who they were as girls & cry for them from a position of maturity & selfawareness. Sadly I'm the opposite. I believe my young self would be very disappointed in the lady I've grown to be.

 

"It's not over until the fat lady sings". I'm not fat & it's not over!! I may have little to sing about now but time is on my side. I don't know what the future is going to hold for me but it's going to be something better than what I've had.

 

I love my husband for the man that he has been & the man he could be. I loath the man that he has been at times (very select times) but I fear that he is justifying his behavior by accepting the monster that resides inside rather than working to vanquish it.

 

I'm empathic & compassionate. I can embrace someone who recognizes they've screwed-up & behaved in an unacceptable way.

 

My best friends cousin who I know very well had a break & killed his parents in Ireland. I've done everything within my power, pulled every favor I can to help him. He is institutionalized, taking his medication & working everyday to heal & give everything he can to his remaining family. I couldn't turn my back on him.

 

I used to like myself. I used to love my brain & heart. I want, I NEED to find her again. I'm HOME! I've just agreed on the offer to sell our dream home in America. (Sold in less than a week!!) In a month it will be gone!! New start....

 

I have 2 amazing, wonderful, brilliant children. They deserve a mother that they can be proud of. I can't do anything about my health but I can fix my mind & my emotions. We are a great family. We don't need anyone who's going to belittle that. WE are not a burden. I will never allow US to be treated as such again.

[Foreverago]

All current and active mistresses need to read this.

 

This is what you are helping do to someone else. You won't win the guy, so you are hurting someone for years after for nothing.

 

And you think loneliness is worse? Lonely is a dream compared to this Hell.

 

Hugs, shatteredlady. I hope you find your path and for your pain to ease.

 

On a lighter note, my device wants to autocorrect your name to butterscotch.

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you!

 

Hahaha! I love butterscotch! Scotch not so much but I think I need it sometimes!!

 

Life can be very, very confusing sometimes. I think we would all love to have 20/20 vision & a time machine. I've learnt that so much of 'life' just happens to us if we're not careful.

 

It's all too easy to get swept-up in the moment. It's basic human nature to justify our actions at the time. Most of us just want to be loved, appreciated, needed. The 'dream' can blind any-one of us to reality when 'The stars align' for better or worse.

 

I started this just venting in reply to a question on an ongoing thread. I don't hold any animosity to the ladies here & I think most of them know this to be true. My heart breaks for the agony on this screen. At the end of the day there's so much agony AND resurfacing. Life isn't about never getting it wrong...it should be about growth & change, trying to get it right.

 

Most of us here are just trying to heal no matter what side of the triangle we come from in this cruel insanity called adultery.

 

I truly wish all of us a new start in 2017. The last couple of years have kicked my bum. NO MORE!!!

[jenkins95]

(((SL)))

 

I've gone away with my family for a few days at the seaside.....I'm not talking sun cream and bikinis....I'm talking arctic jackets, scarves and desperately trying to ward off frostbite! (North Wales!)

 

.....so I can't post a long one, but since you addressed me directly, I'd like to just address your basic question now....and then I look forward to more fully contributing to the debate in the New Year.

 

I definitely don't think less of my wife or love her less. I've gained a huge amount of admiration for her and also learned a huge amount about marriage, human nature and how easy it is to make mistakes when you let your guard down and act like an immature pr*ck. I'm also learning to accept that the nature of my marriage has changed forever - gone is the innocence and some of the "magic", but equally we are so much better at communicating and learning how to protect our marriage and put it first (we are chronic people pleasers, often to the detriment of 'us').

 

I've also learned how the nature of love changes and how important it is to nurture it and constantly work on it - we both sucked at that before - took it for granted. I am learning how damaging conflict avoidance is (I'm so bad at this, I would avoid conflict in a f'ing boxing match!). I've also learned about addiction and the mind warping effect of fantasy based affairs...and what a dangerous place that puts you in.

 

A year later it's so obvious....but back then I was a mess...I had it bad. I fell hard and felt and acted like a teenager.

 

But I digress from the question.....I can honestly say that through none of this did I ever love my wife less...Resent her? Yes. But the love didn't fade. I know it sounds contradictory and difficult to believe, but us MM are a funny species! No wonder women have difficulty working us out....our own behavior baffles even us sometimes.

 

Just to qualify...You say I contemplated leaving, but I'm not one of those MM who actively plotted for months or years to leave. I NEVER planned to leave and I never future faked. The total amount of time that I probably really considered leaving was probably about 3 hours...In the immediate post d- day bomb site when my head was all over the place. Seeing with my own eyes my wife's pain and how much she loved me was a very effective antidote to this!

 

Have a great new year all. I'll be back in a few days. I think you are all wonderful and I'm very lucky to have you.

 

I'm also VERY lucky to have another chance in marriage and so is your H SL. I'm sure he knows it too. I understand his dread of "elephant" talks. I'm the same. Apart from anything else, when it all wears off and we see with un-fogged eyes just exactly what we have done, it is just so embarrassing and humiliating - we just want the earth to swallow us up. But of course we don't have that right. I've kind of got this plan that I will unquestioningly face those conversations (and try desperately to hide my discomfort) up to the two year mark. After that, I will not suddenly refuse to talk about it, but I will try to respectfully introduce the "I'd love it if we could concentrate more on the future now" type talks. I guess there should come a point in reconciliation when "those" talks should eventually stop?

 

Right, two hours after coming off the beach, my teeth have finally stopped chattering....and I have some feeling in my legs. Time to go to bed I think.

 

This was quite a long post after all!

Edited December 31, 2016 by jenkins95

[ShatteredLady]

An old member here once told me that his psychiatrist told him that treating his BW very badly during his affair was actually a very good sign. Apparently it means that the WS is consumed with guilt. He tries to manage that guilt by raging & belittling his wife in the hope that she will snap back & that in turn helps him justify his betrayal.

 

It's all about cognitive dissonance. The MM knows that he's breaking his moral code. Deep inside he's hating himself. He acts like a monster because that's how he perceives himself when he walks through the door to be faced with the reality of his wife.

 

Does that make any sense to anyone?

 

My husband kept saying at the time that he was evil & lost. He felt nihilistic. He wrote to a dear friend about how much he hated himself. That he was an awful, useless husband, father, son, brother & friend with no redeeming qualities.

 

I could clearly see that he was desperately depressed but I couldn't get him to talk about it. I made doctors appointments for him & found local therapists covered by our insurance. He said that he was too terrified to go!! They would discover his void, the darkness. He even contacted his father to ask if he'd ever had serious psycological issues in life.

 

Although it was a living nightmare for me to endure I felt desperately sorry for him & incredibly guilty because he made me believe that it was ALL my fault. I knew nothing of his adultery but I was well aware that something was seriously wrong.

 

* In hindsight is it somehow 'better' to have a husband, a MM who can't 'fake-it' & pretend that everything's hunky dory??

 

* Does it reveal that there is something seriously emotionally lacking in a man if he's not in psycological termoil because of his infidelity, deception, loss of morality?

 

* Should a 'decent' WS MM be cracking under the pressure?

 

* I think it would of been harder to even consider reconciliation with a man who could convincingly act like nothing was going on the whole time.

 

 

WHAT was your man like during the affair? Were you worried that it was in many ways destroying him?

OR did the double life seem easy for him to pull off without alerting suspicions?

 

How do you feel about that? How do you explain it to yourself or did/does it not occur to you?

 

 

I'm just interested. I don't know the validity of any of these ideas. Do you have other explanations & thoughts on the subject?

[ShatteredLady]

Oh my goodness Jenkins!! Wales in December? You are truly a man amongst men!!

 

My little girl loves tidal pools & all creatures no matter how gross. Treasure these memories. They grow so very fast. I've lost countless moments not being truly present because of my own agony. I will forever regret that.

 

Our little people are truly a gift....a gift that keeps on & on & on giving! When do they FINALLY return to school? Please? Hahaha!!

 

Thank you for taking time out to reply. You are, as always truly appreciated. Hug & love your little family. The very best way to get warm & toasty

[Chica80]

An old member here once told me that his psychiatrist told him that treating his BW very badly during his affair was actually a very good sign. Apparently it means that the WS is consumed with guilt. He tries to manage that guilt by raging & belittling his wife in the hope that she will snap back & that in turn helps him justify his betrayal.

 

It's all about cognitive dissonance. The MM knows that he's breaking his moral code. Deep inside he's hating himself. He acts like a monster because that's how he perceives himself when he walks through the door to be faced with the reality of his wife.

 

Does that make any sense to anyone?

 

My husband kept saying at the time that he was evil & lost. He felt nihilistic. He wrote to a dear friend about how much he hated himself. That he was an awful, useless husband, father, son, brother & friend with no redeeming qualities.

 

I could clearly see that he was desperately depressed but I couldn't get him to talk about it. I made doctors appointments for him & found local therapists covered by our insurance. He said that he was too terrified to go!! They would discover his void, the darkness. He even contacted his father to ask if he'd ever had serious psycological issues in life.

 

Although it was a living nightmare for me to endure I felt desperately sorry for him & incredibly guilty because he made me believe that it was ALL my fault. I knew nothing of his adultery but I was well aware that something was seriously wrong.

 

* In hindsight is it somehow 'better' to have a husband, a MM who can't 'fake-it' & pretend that everything's hunky dory??

 

* Does it reveal that there is something seriously emotionally lacking in a man if he's not in psycological termoil because of his infidelity, deception, loss of morality?

 

* Should a 'decent' WS MM be cracking under the pressure?

 

* I think it would of been harder to even consider reconciliation with a man who could convincingly act like nothing was going on the whole time.

 

 

WHAT was your man like during the affair? Were you worried that it was in many ways destroying him?

OR did the double life seem easy for him to pull off without alerting suspicions?

 

How do you feel about that? How do you explain it to yourself or did/does it not occur to you?

 

 

I'm just interested. I don't know the validity of any of these ideas. Do you have other explanations & thoughts on the subject?

 

Oh I think about this all the time!!! I have no idea what goes on at home. In my mind I imagine him all cozy and loving while im in pain.

There was a period right before he got married. I saw him he looked thinner, stressed he did not look well. I said as much.

 

He is not an emotional person doesn't really like to "talk" about himself or his "feelings" when I see him and I'm dying inside when we were not talking. I felt awful and he looked fine. He said just because I don't see doesn't mean it's not happening. He just doesn't express things the way I do. The guilt and leading a double life is what weighs on him he says. He doesn't sleep, has nightmares, and other issues.

I have no idea if this is true. Dont know and never will know.

 

I would like to think that someone who can fake it and carry on like nothing leading two lives is worse. Having no remorse or guilt or pain. Because how can you do that to someone you say you love and not feel that?

 

Yes I worry that it will destroy him. Because this is not who he is. Another major factor for ending things.

[LivingWaterPlease]

 

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou

 

Sunshinechica, what a beautiful quote (above) you posted that many attribute to Maya Angelou and to some others, also. But,I'm finding Carl W. Buechner is considered to be the originator of the quote. Let me know if you discover it published before 1971 and attributed to someone other than C. W. Buechner before 1971. Am interested!

[Chica80]

Sunshinechica, what a beautiful quote (above) you posted that many attribute to Maya Angelou and to some others, also. But,I'm finding Carl W. Buechner is considered to be the originator of the quote. Let me know if you discover it published before 1971 and attributed to someone other than C. W. Buechner before 1971. Am interested!

 

Hmm I didn't know it was said by someone else. When I saw this quote a while back I saw it on a poster, and it was quoted/attributed to Angelou.

[BluesPower]

Shattered my dear my heart goes out to you so much.

 

(Yes I will be replying to the other thing, I have really been mulling it over.)

 

I wish I could say something profound to you. Something that may make you feel better. And most of the BS's here probably don't care what someone like me says.

 

But...If your husband loves you, if you know that he loves you, for gods sake, let him love you. I know you love him, even though he has hurt you so much.

 

I am betting that he loves you dear. I think if he did not he would be gone.

 

Men in affairs can still love their wives, I am living proof of that.

 

I love my wife still, I just wish she loved me. With everything that I have done and everything that she has done to me, I just wish she loved me.

 

It hurts so bad inside to know that I dedicated so much of my life to a woman that did not love me.

 

But for you, with all of the difficulty you have had and all that you have been through, let your husband love you. And love him with all your might.

 

In the end, we all just want to be loved.

[heartwhole]

An old member here once told me that his psychiatrist told him that treating his BW very badly during his affair was actually a very good sign. Apparently it means that the WS is consumed with guilt. He tries to manage that guilt by raging & belittling his wife in the hope that she will snap back & that in turn helps him justify his betrayal.

 

It's all about cognitive dissonance. The MM knows that he's breaking his moral code. Deep inside he's hating himself. He acts like a monster because that's how he perceives himself when he walks through the door to be faced with the reality of his wife.

 

Does that make any sense to anyone?

 

Yes, that's what my experience was.

 

We had a great 10 years before we had kids with very little conflict (turns out that's because he just avoids/swallows). He was always loving and we were always best friends and connected. He would make his FB profile our wedding picture on our anniversary, surprised me with diamond earrings on the 10th anniversary of the day we met, etc. Then with my second pregnancy I became very ill with dysautonomia, from which I've never recovered. I got put on an SSRI and my feelings became flat and sex was a chore.

 

Then he had the affair. He was weirdly distant. Didn't post anything about me on FB, even on a big wedding anniversary. When I told him I wanted to take a trip for our anniversary, he got a dreamy look in his eye and said he wanted to go to OW's country by himself instead. He stopped putting his arm around me at parties. He became more pronouncedly selfish, never accommodating me and making it difficult to find time to visit my family. He would act put out when my illness stopped us from doing things.

 

I'm glad that during the affair he wasn't this sugary sweet faker. I don't think he's capable of deceiving me or letting in another woman without drawing away from me first. Of course, in some ways he tried to compensate -- lots of date nights, a necklace from Tiffany's for Christmas when we said no big gifts. So there was some of that too. But overall he was weird and distant and it made my radar go off.

[Just a Guy]

Hi SL, reading your OP made me wonder whether you need some serious therapy. I think you should look into it as your self esteem seems shot through. You need a big dose of self confidence and that can come if you get some help.

I had suggested on someone else's post that you get the book " Psycho-Cybernetics" by Dr. Maxwell Maltz. I still would urge you to get a copy may be from your local library if possible. It could be life changing for you. It is the new year now so I will close this post by wishing you and everyone else on here A Very Happy and Productive New Year!

[tinkerbell16]

It's nearly 2am here. I can't sleep.

 

Jenkins. Do you feel that your love for your wife is in any way 'less' now? Now that you know that you could love another woman & contemplate leaving her?

 

When in an affair I think that the WS must convince himself that his wife has many faults, some exaggerated, some maybe unreal, some just focused on more. I think he must also think things of himself that he never thought before. Do these become neural pathways? Even once the motivation (OW) has gone has the cognitive dissonance become permanent/enduring in ways? Set in those dark pathways.

 

Character traits that my husband said he loved in me (or said were 'cute' or strong & respected) became negative irritants during his affair. Some of my traits were even used to justify his infidelity. Now he's back to complementing me on them. Inside I roll my eyes. How could something so pathetic now be cute again? How could something so annoying be endearing? Loathed now admirable?

 

I can't sleep. He was massaging me & all of these thoughts grew & tortured my peace. I was conscious of my movements, my sounds....what was he thinking? Why couldn't I ask? Would I believe his answer? How do I erase awful things said from my mind? Why do I believe & empower words said at that time so much that I can't believe the opposite no matter how many times it's said?

 

OW here believe so completely the things their MM say about the BS. I read the words. He crucified me with words to my face while I snivelled. How do I forget the words? What's wrong with me that I believed the words & hated myself? Why does he have that power over me? Why is my sense of self so corrupted that I don't know who I am anymore?

 

Perception is so powerful. They say that perception is everything. If that's how he perceived me, truly saw me, is it who I am really? Was my sense of self a delusion all along?

 

I'm sorry. I can't sleep. My spine is burning & shooting lightning bolts down my legs. These thoughts consume me. My heart aches & yearns for who I was, who I could of been, everything I've lost. I know, in the cold light of day some of these thoughts will fade but alone in the night while the house sleeps the 'I don't want to live this life', thoughts haunt.

 

Never mind. Tomorrow's another day. I'll go exploring our new village with the kids & their excitement will pull me up & through. I'm not a wicked person. I must of been so in a different life. Maybe not! I don't think I believe in karma.

 

ShatteredLady

This is exactly how I feel. You just put it into very raw words. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever heal.

 

I am successful, smart, loving, happy, in a new relationship... but my core still aches that he threw me away.

All the things he loved about me he twisted. My success became the reason (one of many) he cheated. I worked too much... he didn't feel needed blah blah blah...

All things he was proud of and encouraged before the affair.

[Furious]

It's nearly 2am here. I can't sleep.

 

Jenkins. Do you feel that your love for your wife is in any way 'less' now? Now that you know that you could love another woman & contemplate leaving her?

 

When in an affair I think that the WS must convince himself that his wife has many faults, some exaggerated, some maybe unreal, some just focused on more. I think he must also think things of himself that he never thought before. Do these become neural pathways? Even once the motivation (OW) has gone has the cognitive dissonance become permanent/enduring in ways? Set in those dark pathways.

 

Character traits that my husband said he loved in me (or said were 'cute' or strong & respected) became negative irritants during his affair. Some of my traits were even used to justify his infidelity. Now he's back to complementing me on them. Inside I roll my eyes. How could something so pathetic now be cute again? How could something so annoying be endearing? Loathed now admirable?

 

I can't sleep. He was massaging me & all of these thoughts grew & tortured my peace. I was conscious of my movements, my sounds....what was he thinking? Why couldn't I ask? Would I believe his answer? How do I erase awful things said from my mind? Why do I believe & empower words said at that time so much that I can't believe the opposite no matter how many times it's said?

 

OW here believe so completely the things their MM say about the BS. I read the words. He crucified me with words to my face while I snivelled. How do I forget the words? What's wrong with me that I believed the words & hated myself? Why does he have that power over me? Why is my sense of self so corrupted that I don't know who I am anymore?

 

Perception is so powerful. They say that perception is everything. If that's how he perceived me, truly saw me, is it who I am really? Was my sense of self a delusion all along?

 

I'm sorry. I can't sleep. My spine is burning & shooting lightning bolts down my legs. These thoughts consume me. My heart aches & yearns for who I was, who I could of been, everything I've lost. I know, in the cold light of day some of these thoughts will fade but alone in the night while the house sleeps the 'I don't want to live this life', thoughts haunt.

 

Never mind. Tomorrow's another day. I'll go exploring our new village with the kids & their excitement will pull me up & through. I'm not a wicked person. I must of been so in a different life. Maybe not! I don't think I believe in karma.

 

 

Gently....battling a heath crisis topped off by dealing with a husband who cheated on you when you needed him the most is just too much to deal with.

 

Shattered....you user name says it all and you have every right to feel what you feel.

 

Reading your words it seems you are in a battle with your inner voice more so than recognizing the reality of who your husband is.

 

Don't be hard on yourself, you are not weak or a fool. You're a kind and generous soul and I have to admit I'd like to punch your husband in the face and then wrap you in my arms and console you.

 

You've tried so hard to forgive your husband but maybe it's time to concentrate on forgiving yourself for forgiving him.

 

Take what you need, take all that you can to enjoy the big and small pleasures that are open to you one day at a time.

 

Trust yourself, trust that you've made the right choices at this time that best serves you.

[Deeplyhurt30]

My WH treatment also shifted during his affair. All of a sudden we "spent too much time together" (even though he wanted to to be home) or I was "too clingy" ...this said being someones wife, I immediately questioned the situation. I didn't understand that you could be "too loveable". Now when we talk about that time two years ago, he says he doesnt understand why he said all of those things, that those things are what he wants more of now....and in my mind sometimes all i can think of is that I was that person---i just wasnt the person you wanted at the time. i loved him so much, I still do, but in the back of my mind it has created a "Am I on him too much or am I doing too much" thoughts...it can be very nerve racking sometimes.

[road]

It's nearly 2am here. I can't sleep.

 

Jenkins. Do you feel that your love for your wife is in any way 'less' now? Now that you know that you could love another woman & contemplate leaving her?

 

When in an affair I think that the WS must convince himself that his wife has many faults, some exaggerated, some maybe unreal, some just focused on more. I think he must also think things of himself that he never thought before. Do these become neural pathways? Even once the motivation (OW) has gone has the cognitive dissonance become permanent/enduring in ways? Set in those dark pathways.

 

Character traits that my husband said he loved in me (or said were 'cute' or strong & respected) became negative irritants during his affair. Some of my traits were even used to justify his infidelity. Now he's back to complementing me on them. Inside I roll my eyes. How could something so pathetic now be cute again? How could something so annoying be endearing? Loathed now admirable?

 

I can't sleep. He was massaging me & all of these thoughts grew & tortured my peace. I was conscious of my movements, my sounds....what was he thinking? Why couldn't I ask? Would I believe his answer? How do I erase awful things said from my mind? Why do I believe & empower words said at that time so much that I can't believe the opposite no matter how many times it's said?

 

OW here believe so completely the things their MM say about the BS. I read the words. He crucified me with words to my face while I snivelled. How do I forget the words? What's wrong with me that I believed the words & hated myself? Why does he have that power over me? Why is my sense of self so corrupted that I don't know who I am anymore?

 

Perception is so powerful. They say that perception is everything. If that's how he perceived me, truly saw me, is it who I am really? Was my sense of self a delusion all along?

 

I'm sorry. I can't sleep. My spine is burning & shooting lightning bolts down my legs. These thoughts consume me. My heart aches & yearns for who I was, who I could of been, everything I've lost. I know, in the cold light of day some of these thoughts will fade but alone in the night while the house sleeps the 'I don't want to live this life', thoughts haunt.

 

Never mind. Tomorrow's another day. I'll go exploring our new village with the kids & their excitement will pull me up & through. I'm not a wicked person. I must of been so in a different life. Maybe not! I don't think I believe in karma.

 

 

 

The WS, either sex, justifies their affair, all do.

 

 

The WS uses false logic, faulty logic, to justify their affair. Thus when they doe this it is known as false justification. The WS sold themselves a lot of baloney, basically lies to justify them stepping out on their BS.

 

 

The truth is that the truth about the BS never changed. All the things that your WH said to you before his affair were true and are still true now. The WS needs to paint a false picture so he can live in denial, to compartmentalize in his brain so he can justify his affair with faulty logic. Thus the term false justification. The WS acts possessed during his affair because he allows himself to believe his own lies.

 

 

Now that the affair is over the WS calls himself out on his lying and expels the alien living inside him during the affair. So now he remembers the truth and your full worth. So when your WH says you are cute and other mushy stuff he is saying the truth.

 

 

So your only concerns are is he living transparent, you can verify NC, and he is doing the work needed to recover the marriage.