Ponderings of my situation

[Deeplyhurt30]

I understand that during the affair time, your wayward spouse can treat you horribly--I understand that I argued with him about situations at his job (involving the ow) but the name calling is one that will always stick out. He used to get so mad at me, calling me a B**** countless times (im sure he told her that I was one too), when in reality I had something to be arguing about. When we talk about this , he sees where he was in the wrong..it still doesnt take away the fact that how I was treated affects me still.

[ShatteredLady]

This started as a post in the middle of another thread. Then it turned into a thread jack. Then it became its own thread in the OW/OM forum & now it's here. That's why it appears quite confused with several different questions. Thank you all for focusing on the most important 'bits'. It's truly helping me focus my thoughts.

 

We arrived home in England at the beginning of December after living in the USA for 18 years!! Although I knew on d-day that it MUST happen it's still a HUGE adjustment in so many ways. In the bright light of a rational day I know that it was the correct choice to make but the stress & doubts are still consuming.

 

Housing alone in England is so much more expensive. Moving everything & everyone cost over $100,000!!!! Our 5 bedroom house cost about the same as a small apartment here!! The kids were doing brilliantly in their school which accommodated all their needs. OMG were living with my parents!!! Hahaha! Can you imagine?!? If that doesn't prove my husband's love what could?!?

 

After d-day when I raised the subject of listing the house, turning in his notice for his very lucrative job etc. he asked, "Why? Can't there be another chance? Can't sorry be enough?".

"No!!" I realized that a large part of my PTSD was realizing how completely reliant & vulnerable I'd allowed myself to become. I hadn't been given any warnings. No issues with our marriage had been mentioned. No fights. No 'things to work on'. No MC. Nothing! I just logged onto my pain forum to read his passive aggressive threat of divorce.

My entire life was turned on it's head on New Years Day. Safety & security gone. To learn that me & our CHILDREN could be left destitute in a country where I wasn't eligible for any government assistance was horrifying.

 

I think the truth is, I'm overwhelmed! I was overwhelmed, in complete shock & then the logical steps to improve the situation are even more overwhelming. They say that moving home is stressful. Moving continents, a whole life, everything...I don't think there's a word for that!!

 

Step by overwhelming step I'm getting there! My spine problems are what they are & I know that I do everything I can to manage that (except the no stress stuff!). I've had one clear cancer check. YES!!! House listed & sold in 1 week. The survey stuff is happening as I write. The shipping company still can't find our worldly belongings but they'll turn-up eventually. The kids are blissfully happy & were waiting to hear about schools. My stalking ex is nothing more than an interesting diversion & strangely bonding for us honestly.

 

I'm getting there but in the wee small hours of the night when I can't sleep the fears, the pain, the regrets, the disappointment returns. Strange small things are huge triggers. Time is on my side. I know that. Finding faith after being so blindsided is hard though. The next one will be my husband finding a new job. What if the pretty secretary gets dumped by her bf & needs a shoulder to cry on? I've bought "Not Just Friends". Getting him to read it isn't as simple....

[ShatteredLady]

......it still doesnt take away the fact that how I was treated affects me still.

 

That's the thing isn't it?

 

After reading the truly awful post my H made on my pain forum I completely believed him when he said that there wasn't another woman. It was ME! All my fault. I was led to believe that I was on trial. That's insanity making!! If I did all the right things I could save my family. One wrong move & I would loose everything. I lost my mind!

 

....finding my mind, getting back to ME after falling so far, so very deep isn't easy. Ugh!! All of those words hurt so much.

[waterwoman]

That's the thing isn't it?

 

After reading the truly awful post my H made on my pain forum I completely believed him when he said that there wasn't another woman. It was ME! All my fault. I was led to believe that I was on trial. That's insanity making!! If I did all the right things I could save my family. One wrong move & I would loose everything. I lost my mind!

 

....finding my mind, getting back to ME after falling so far, so very deep isn't easy. Ugh!! All of those words hurt so much.

 

Hi bravelady

 

you have been dealt a tough hand and you have played it as well as anyone could. So glad you are home and amongst people who love and cherish you.

 

What does your WS say about the post that he made? That to me seems like the sharp point of the needle at the heart of your pain.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

You seem like a very nice lady who has been put through hell and I dare say it continues because from this and your other thread your H refuses to talk about it, sincerely be sorry and give you reassurance when you need it most, which should be whenever you want it. Then to do it again with the same woman shows he learned nothing.

 

I don't know you and it would be presumptuous to advise but from what I've read of your experience it doesn't sound like your emotional needs are being met.

[Lady2163]

Yeah, not for nothing, since I've never had an affair, but there's no way I'd give up a lucrative job and spend $100,000 to move to another country and start all over....

 

If I didn't love someone.

[seren]

Hi SL, just read this post again and wondered if things are a little easier for you. H and I were talking about how far we have come since those awful times when the A was ongoing. He rarely starts any talks about that time, mainly as he is so ashamed of how he was during those times, he said he looks back and cannot believe he thought he had the right to speak to me that way, he is so surprised that I didn't just turf him out or find someone else. He also says that he just kept thinking that I deserved someone better than him, as I have posted before H was in a very bad place before and during the affair as the result of PTSD and combat stress, his not feeling good enough was the trigger for having such a destructive affair.

 

He is more like the old H, the lovely, gentle man I have known for over 30 odd years, I look at him and cannot recognise the man who was so cold and distant during the A. We moved house, just 600 or so miles, but far enough that I wouldn't bump into the OW and end up ripping her head off. My health has gone from bad to worse, but H is my rock, without him I would be in a home now, I have told him I would understand if he left, if caring for me was so bad, but he says he almost lost me once, he isn't about to do it now. I said to him the other night that we have been through so, so much, not just the A, if I compare it to all the rest of the things we have survived the A was a small blip, but, through all the others we had them as joint problems and fought them side by side, the A was all on him, the reconciling all on us and it is that we concentrated on eventually. It was us again, we, who circled our wagons to protect our marriage and relationship and for both os us, it was so worth saving.

 

I know from H that the OW would suggest I might be having an A myself, she looked at how he could avoid paying me half his pension, she looked at moving to live near his camp and he says it scared the hell out of him, that while he was wondering how to stop the A without her turning up on the doorstep and telling me, she was planning a future he hadn't thought of, he never imagined a future without me and that the more he felt bad about it all, the more he became distant, he said it was a push, push thing, that the more he pushed the more he hated himself and felt the A was what he deserved (not in a positive way). Finally he came clean and he said he felt such a relief it was all out there and he could tell the OW it was over.

 

While none of it should make any sense, it makes total sense to me, knowing how things were for him. I hated those early years of self doubt, of the replaying what was said, I have an almost eidetic memory and wish I didn't. As time went on I took a step back and looked at this new me, this damaged BS after an A me. I didn't recognise who I had become, I always found joy in life, always laughed, smiled was optimistic and loved my life. I allowed the A to creep into every corner and when I saw a picture of the OW with her H when she was on her 4th affair looking happy and smiling, I just thought, bollocks to this, I refuse to allow the A to dictate me and how I feel anymore and so I stopped the self doubt, the questions and looked at the now, the what next, the how to move forward and live each day to its fullest. It gradually got better, fake it until you make it. Even in the small hours when it was just me, I thought well, I have made a decision to stay and work on this and I will do that, I will look ahead and know that I cannot change what was done or said, but I can change how I react to it all and how we move forward. It has worked, of course there are moments when it catches me off guard, me and he deal with those moments together. When we sit in the garden watching the world twirl he will look at me and apologise, for the millionth time and say how grateful he is for the chance to prove to me how sorry he is, I have forgiven him, him forgiving himself is a work in progress.

 

I so hope your new life is settling down, time to make new memories and to both heal from THAT time. We can never go back and unsay or fix something we regret, but we can move forward and make it so damned good that we learn from then. I hope with all I have that life is full of joy for you and your H. xx