Working with your partner

[Slackaddict]

Hello! I'm new here and I'm looking for some opinions from the community.

 

A quick background. I'm in a working relationship. Together 12+ years. Working together 8+ years. We're currently going through some relationship issues and have taken some steps to try and improve our relationship, one step is to communicate all work related discussions through email to leave face to face discussion for more personal topics.

 

I am here to ask for opinions on the below email correspondence. I am trying to be mutual here. I am not yet going to state which email I sent or if I am the male or female partner. I would like to get some opinions on the communication in the email. I have taken out names and some confidential information.

 

Thank you for your comments and help. The 3 emails are below.

 

 

 

Email 1 - sent on 22nd December

 

Hi T,

 

Please check the article called XXXX (Saved in XXXX > XXXX > XXXX > XXXX article).

 

After checking, please email the writer that we edit the article due to inaccurate information and grammar. Therefore, we will pay her XXXX and if she is happy with the rate and amendment we will post the article in her name, edited by me this week.

 

Regards,

 

J

 

 

Email 2 sent on 30th December (this was sent after a short verbal reminder)

 

Hi T,

 

I requested this to be checked and send to the writer for confirmation within the previous week but my request was somehow missed by your side and there were no communication (reply) to me if you were not going to do this within the requested time frame or informing me the reasons.

 

So please make this priority for today as I would like to post this today or on the 1st Jan.

 

FYI, in the future, please communication in a timely manner and professionally.

 

Kind Regards,

 

J

 

 

Email 3 replied on the 30th

 

Hi J,

 

You did not state any timeframe for this to be checked. In the future, if it is a priority, please state this in your email along with a requested completion date. Otherwise I will just do the work when it is convenient for me. In the same way you have checked this article at a convenient time to suit you. This has been flagged as your job to do for the last 2 months and I have not complained to you.

 

If it is in my inbox it is a job I will get done. There is no need for me to communicate if there is no deadline. In the same way you have not communicated with me about this over the last 2 months.

 

FYI - telling me to act in a timely manner and professionally is rather insulting, especially as you know it has been Christmas and we have taken some time off work and it has taken you 2 months to check it yourself. And you have only been waiting for 1 week for me to check, during a festive holiday. Please consider your words more carefully.

 

Kind Regards,

 

T

Edited December 30, 2016 by Slackaddict

[mikeylo]

What's the issue? I can't make out anything

[vanhalenfan]

I am in a working relationship as well, but we live together so there is communication about work and relational/personal things overlapping all the time. Honestly I can't imagine writing emails with the tone you guys are engaging in to my partner....Too business like and formal, even a little accusatory...This type of communication is helpful for your relationship? Maybe it's a personality thing as I am pretty laid back.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am here to ask for opinions on the below email correspondence.

 

Communication is the Number #1 challenge in a long-term relationship. And regardless of the emotion protection you might think email brings, it's just another form of communication. In fact, since it's missing tone, nuance and context, email may be even more perilous than the conversations you're avoiding.

 

I'd worry more about mutual respect, consideration and preventing resentment and less about forcing some artificial construct. If you suck at face-to-face as a couple, you're going to suck at inbox-to-inbox...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

What's the issue? I can't make out anything

 

I'll translate for you:

 

Email 1 - "You're a slacker"

 

Email 2 - "You're now a slacker and a jerk"

 

Email 3 - "You're more of a slacker than I am and a bigger jerk"

 

OP - Is this really how you talk to your SO ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[road]

Whether on paper or on the web publishing has deadlines. You seem to be clueless on that.

 

 

People that write do not write for their health. You delaying getting the ok to publish is negatively impacting the authors income.

 

 

You resent being told how to do things.

Your correspondence shows you to be so hostile that I would never guess in a million years that your co-worker is your woman.

 

 

Your woman is also a piece of work when it comes to communicating.

How do you two maintain any customers?

[elaine567]

I am not yet going to state which email I sent or if I am the male or female partner. I would like to get some opinions on the communication in the email. I have taken out names and some confidential information.

 

Whether on paper or on the web publishing has deadlines. You seem to be clueless on that.

 

People that write do not write for their health. You delaying getting the ok to publish is negatively impacting the authors income.

 

You resent being told how to do things.

Your correspondence shows you to be so hostile that I would never guess in a million years that your co-worker is your woman.

 

Your woman is also a piece of work when it comes to communicating.

How do you two maintain any customers?

 

We don't actually know who sent what.

[Doorstopper]

Email 1 - sent on 22nd December

 

Hi T,

 

Please check the article called XXXX (Saved in XXXX > XXXX > XXXX > XXXX article).

 

After checking, please email the writer that we edit the article due to inaccurate information and grammar. Therefore, we will pay her XXXX and if she is happy with the rate and amendment we will post the article in her name, edited by me this week.

 

Regards,

 

J

 

 

 

There seems to be a serious overreaction to a missing comma. It should have read: ...will post the article, edited by me, this week.

 

So there was a deadline stated, but the "I am right you are wrong" attitude, seems to have overshadowed the minor error.

[anika99]

We don't actually know who sent what.

 

One of the spouses sent the first two emails and then the other spouse replied with the hostile and defensive 3rd email. My guess is that the first two emails were sent by the husband and the 3rd reply email was sent by the wife. The wording just somehow sounds feminine to me.

 

OP it's impossible to give an opinion on those emails without knowing any of the background. Is there any truth to the accusations in the 3rd email? How are we to know?

 

I will say that I found all 3 emails rather cold and hostile and I also think communicating about work through email exchanges only is rather odd and likely to cause problems. It is hard to gauge a persons intent or demeanor through an email. It's like asking for misunderstandings and knee jerk responses. If you and your spouse felt like talk about work was intruding on your marriage and negatively impacting your relationship, then why not just set aside times when work can be discussed and times when it cannot. Say for example, no work talk in the 2 hours before bedtime. Or no work talk beyond lunchtime on the weekends. Or no work talk in the bedroom. Just whatever timeframe you two want use that works best.

[darkmoon]

if you were both business-like you would not be emailing such long emails, specially number 3, you would not rant on like that

 

good idea to separate work from emotion, but not to just separate work from relationship, but to separate work from emotion - which is usual offce behaviour

Edited December 31, 2016 by darkmoon

[Slackaddict]

Thanks for your opinions and taking the time to write your replies. I really appreciate your help with this.

 

FYI - I am the husband and wrote email 3.

 

The problem in our relationship, for a long time now, is the way my wife talks to me. She is short and talks down to me. It is all about her tone. She is not a native English speaker but language is not a barrier, she is fluent in English and fully understands tone.

 

For so many years now we argue regularly. It always starts with how she talks to me; with no respect, very direct and often a rude tone. I then say something like "don't talk to me like that" or "I don't like that tone". My responses may not be the most appropriate, I don't know, but she will then get defensive and an argument will start.

 

I am now bored. Very bored. And because it has been going on for so long now I am also short with my responses to her. I no longer care to try and help fix the situation because I have not seen it improve for such a long time. It seems she cannot change this behaviour. She says I should not get upset with how she speaks to me as she doesn't mean it. I am not a sensitive person but I cannot just turn off my feelings.

 

She is a very strong person, with strong opinions and views. This makes being the man in the relationship very difficult. This is one reason why we clash. We have only recently started to communicate via email for work. This is the first recorded communication I have to look back on to see where and how our problems arise. Yes, my email could be a lot better, but I was already upset from something she said in the morning and her email pushed me into a quick response. This is often how our verbal communication goes. I will ignore a small rude comment but hold the pain inside until she says something else and I retaliate and an argument starts.

 

Now I am on the edge of walking out. We have spoken about this countless times. She understands she is short with me. She often doesn't see it happen or think about what she says and how it can be perceived so it is a difficult behaviour for her to change. I want to help her but my patience is running dry after all this time.

[Mr. Lucky]

She is not a native English speaker but language is not a barrier, she is fluent in English and fully understands tone.

 

I wonder if, her fluency aside, you're underestimating the impact of coming from a different culture? I've spent quite a bit of time in Asia and have many friends from there. Some speak better English than I do but all bring cultural nuances and styles from their home country. I can see how some of that would be challenging in a relationship.

 

I am now bored. Very bored.

 

Different problem than the one described in this thread, eh?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Slackaddict]

Yes, I have considered culture difference. We live in her native country and I have not witnessed this behaviour to be the norm. I also speak her native language and understand her culture very well. Speaking to your partner with respect and compassion I feel is not about culture in this case. It is more to do with resentment towards me. She is also extremely hormonal and lacks patience.

 

Yes and no. Working together is causing our problems to exacerbate. I was just trying to give some more background. But yes, we have communication problems in and outside of working together. Sorry I did not provide too much detail in my initial thread.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes, I have considered culture difference. We live in her native country and I have not witnessed this behaviour to be the norm. I also speak her native language and understand her culture very well. Speaking to your partner with respect and compassion I feel is not about culture in this case. It is more to do with resentment towards me. She is also extremely hormonal and lacks patience.

 

Yes and no. Working together is causing our problems to exacerbate. I was just trying to give some more background. But yes, we have communication problems in and outside of working together. Sorry I did not provide too much detail in my initial thread.

 

Have you told her that you're about to walk out?

[Southern Sun]

First, I honestly thought that third email was the woman's. Sorry, but apparently I'm predisposed to think the angry and wordy response is female!

 

Secondly, when I read the emails for a second time, I really don't see anything wrong with what she said to you. If I take the context of a personal relationship out of it, her tone does not come across as anything but appropriate and professional. I do see some issues with the language, but as you said, you understand her.

 

Even when I consider that there IS a personal relationship there, I think the issue is what's going on at home and not what happened when she made these requests to you. You already have some sort of contempt or resentment and you kind of burped it up after these emails.

 

It appears that you take orders from her at the office; is that correct? Perhaps that is not healthy for your personal relationship? Sometimes that power dynamic works for people and other times it doesn't. I've had a personal relationship at work and it never bothered me to take direction like that...I didn't need it to be worded in a special way (Hey honey, will you please...?) If you would like to prioritize your R, you may want to consider working elsewhere.

Edited January 5, 2017 by Southern Sun

[sandylee1]

I don't like the tone of the first 2 emails. It's like a telling off, however even if someone is fluent in English, they can still be abrupt.

 

From experience, I find that Eastern Europeans and Germans can be abrupt.

 

Ive had staff complain about emails and the condescending way their manager speaks to them .... and they've mostly been from the above countries.

 

When I read the email trail ... I can immediately see why the person was ticked off. I'd have been too.

 

I don't think working with your spouse is a great idea either. Especially if it involves one being in a subordinate position, which it seems you are.