. How do I cope with this? Stress levels through the roof.

[Calmandfocused]

My divorce is taking forever..., well it seems to be but my solicitor reckons it perfectly normal.

 

Trouble is my stbxh is now back in the marital home whilst the financial aspects are being sorted. I know he has every right to be here. I know that. But I hate it with a passion.

 

He's set up a bedroom for himself in the spare room.

 

I've been good. I've been polite and cordial but even the mere sight of him distresses me ( I don't show this but this is how I feel). I can't bear him looking at me even. I don't know how to describe it. Repulsed maybe.

 

Subsequently, I just feel so stressed and tense and can't relax.

 

I've just come back from my parents house where the children and I spent Christmas. I felt so relaxed and hated the thought of coming home ( he told me he'd be there)

 

I know he has every right to be here. Im just wondering if anyone has been in this situation and how they coped with it? I know it won't be forever but it seems like it is. Help!

Edited December 30, 2016 by Calmandfocused
Spelling

[mikeylo]

Why has he moved back???? Did you not change locks ?

[standtall]

If he has the right to be there, what purpose does changing the locks serve? Sure she can change them, and he can have a key made...it seems like a waste of money.

[mikeylo]

I missed the line where OP says that !

 

Anyway , OP you can't do much. Try to stay out of each other's sites as much as possible even he will make every effort to do the exact opposite.

 

It's every divorcing couples nightmare to go through divorce while living together. Sorry !

[The_Onceler]

Sorry to hear about your predicament. I recently went through this, and I can say first hand that it sucks.

 

What did I do? I did my best to keep as busy as I could. I stayed out of the house whenever possible. We have two children, so I immediately instituted a rule where we shared our time with the kids. That is to say, I might take the kids for an outing on Saturday, and then their mother would be responsible for them on Sunday. When she was taking care of the kids, I would make myself absent.

 

In the evenings, after the kids were in bed, I retired to my "man cave" where I had a stationary bike set up. I would ride for an hour or two and watch Netflix. Then I would shower and go to bed alone. She would stay up late, watching TV and talking/texting her boyfriend.

 

I would wake early for work, and be out of the house before she was even awake.

 

I had to compartmentalize my emotions, which was not necessarily a good thing, but helped me cope at the time. I just buried my feelings until she was moved out, and then I started to go through the emotional process then.

 

I know it is hard and it sucks. I hope perhaps some of my techniques work for you. Good luck!

[Calmandfocused]

Thank you for all your replies so far.

 

@ the onceler. Yes I remember reading your story and I fully sympathise with what you went through. How awful! However you handled it the best anyone could. Good for you!

 

My situation is different in the respect that I have no emotional attachment left for my stbxh. I have no desire for him except to be away from him. I wholeheartedly wish he would get himself a girlfriend as I believe that it would take his focus away from me. I truly believe that he's doing whatever possible to antagonise the situation.

 

Yes, I asked him for the separate time with the children but he refuses point blank to co operate with this. Instead, he wants to go everywhere the children and I go, saying that I can't stop him. I find this particularly strange as we never did anything as a family, including boring stuff like the family shopping. It was always me and the children. He simply couldn't be bothered. Now he's taking interest when we're in the middle of a divorce? Doesn't that seem strange?

 

Anyway, I'm ranting a bit now.

 

No, I didn't change the locks on the house as stbxh has been having the children a few hours here and there whilst I'm working. I thought this would give him some practice when he has the children on his own (after the divorce is final) but it looks like its backfiring in my face.

 

After seeing light at the end of the tunnel, I'm feeling trapped in the nightmare again. I thought going through the hell of divorce was to get you out of thr hell of a bad marriage. However, I still feel in the hell.

 

Sorry, I'm ranting and waffling now.

Edited December 31, 2016 by Calmandfocused

[mikeylo]

He is on the attack. He wants to hurt you as much as he can. He doesn't want to let go of the control he has on you.

 

I'm sorry , I don't have any advise on how to cope. But try to eat healthy and know that he is doing everything intentionally with no good intentions. Maybe see a therapist once a week or so?

[StevenC]

Hang in there. Time is the best medicine and soon the pain will subside and once again you will be able to see sun behind these storm clouds.

[Calmandfocused]

Thanks all.

 

You're right in everything you say. He's doing whatever possible to make it really difficult. I was struggling to see his motivation but it's clear that he cannot tolerate his lack of control over me.

 

However, the more hopeless he feels, the more aggressive he becomes. The children and I hadn't been awake even half an hour this morning and he went on a paranoid, aggressive rant. Lots of profanity in front of the children. It was awful.

 

I've got to keep strong and not drown in this but it's so hard. I need to keep the goal on focus.

[The_Onceler]

Thanks all.

 

You're right in everything you say. He's doing whatever possible to make it really difficult. I was struggling to see his motivation but it's clear that he cannot tolerate his lack of control over me.

 

However, the more hopeless he feels, the more aggressive he becomes. The children and I hadn't been awake even half an hour this morning and he went on a paranoid, aggressive rant. Lots of profanity in front of the children. It was awful.

 

I've got to keep strong and not drown in this but it's so hard. I need to keep the goal on focus.

 

You know, you might want to record that sort of behavior. Or call 911 when he starts up. I am not a lawyer, but it seems to me that fathers have been removed from the family home for less...

 

Do you have an option to take the kids and leave? I understand from comments I have seen here that leaving the home can be a bad move during a divorce, but I wonder if the same can be said to be true if you feel compelled to leave, with the kids, for the sake of their safety?

 

Have you lawyered up yet?

 

What you are going through sounds horrible - I am so sorry. It is terrible, the hurtful strangers who can emerge from the spouse we thought we knew...

[Calmandfocused]

Yes, I've had my solicitor for a while. He's very good and very pragmatic. I'm going to call him tomorrow.

 

Stbxh is dragging his feet. I need this speeded up and fast if I'm going to keep my sanity.

 

Im in a position where it would be in my worst interests if I left the house. I am the main breadwinner which means I pay the hefty mortgage ( my account, we have no joint accounts). My husband could not take over the mortgage, nor would I trust him to do so even if he could. One of my grounds for divorce has been dishonesty and untrustworthiness regarding finances. This is a man who would do anything not to buy his own mother a birthday card. I couldn't trust him and I (as it stands at present) would be financially liable for any defaults he makes. Frustrating but true.

 

There has already been one incident that involved the police. He's aware I won't hesitate to call them again if he jepodises mine or the children's safety.

 

The taste of freedom is so near but seems so far away.

[Calmandfocused]

Sorry, also forgot to say that I've known who he really is for a long time. I just struggled accepting the truth that was slapping me in the face.

 

Believe it or not, I'm more disappointed with myself. For thinking I could make things better, make him see sense.. Etc. Im angry with myself that I couldn't accept what I was seeing. I should have left sooner. I'm just hoping that as my children are 5 and 3 they won't be too psychologically damaged with the environment theyve had to endure.

 

Here's to hoping and praying.