cheating?

[summerlove]

after two years i still yet find my bf scribing to the ratemybody, kissordissme, and other .com websites like these. i think that it is cheating. anyone else think it is cheating?

why does one do this. is there any guys out there that don't do this?

[jacquelyn]

have you confronted him and asked him to stop? if so, what happened?

[summerlove]

yes this is the thrid time i have caught him and told him it hurts me! i don't understand?

[summerlove]

he says he does it when he is bored. and that is the only answer i get when i ask him why.?

[deveera]

My husband does this too (belongs to a site where other women can rate whether he's "hotornot") and even emails these women!! That's why I've been searching this forum for FOUR HOURS searching for something similar that will help me!! I don't know what to do and I can't talk to him about it because he's so defensive!!

 

He said he wouldn't email any women and that he wasn't. Then I was checking his history online and found that he had. I confronted him. He said he was just insecure for so long and he needs reassurance from other women that he's hot/attractive. He has a membership to this site. He said he didn't tell me because he didn't think I would understand and thought I would be upset.

 

He was IM"ing with a someone the very next day. I asked him who. He said "a person" as he tried to get me to the bedroom for sex. I drug it out of him that it was an ex girlfriend he was seeing just before he met me - he said they never had sex and that they're still just friends and that they weren't talking about anything sexual or romantic, and was defensive saying that he felt persecuted and that he ha told me about her before and it was nothing and he wasn't about to tell me every single time he IM"d with someone but that he did see that I would be concerned with him giving me an answer like "a person" when he was actually talking to an ex. He was also playing with himself while IM'ing her, but told me that he was just getting ready for me (we had planned to have sex after I got out of the shower- but we obviously didn't!).

 

I can't stand being lied to! What gives!?!??!

 

He said he would never physically cheat on me.... (and I believe that... maybe I shouldn't!?!?) but isn't he cheating on me nonetheless? How do I know that he's NOT having a cyber-relationship with any of these women?

 

I have to assume that he IS because he's already lied by telling me that he wasn't emailing any of these women or IM'ing them, but then I found proof within two days that he did. So.... WHY ASK HIM again if I can't trust what he says?

 

He's a wonderful man and husband in so many ways... I just don't understand this.

 

We also met through an online dating thing, so perhaps that adds to my paranoia. That and the fact that he looks at porn almost EVERY SINGLE DAY. To the point that his ex-wife made him seek counseling about it and eventually cheated on him and asked for a divorce (he said he didn't cheat on her... perhaps he just meant physically... but she felt cheated on just the same!?!? )

 

He also, a few months ago, IM'd my best friend (he'd seen naked pics of her because she'd sent them to me) and tried to be all flirty with her. She immediately told me. My husband and I had a huge fight about it. It's still in the back of my mind. He didn't deny it. He said he IM"d with her because he knew it was "safe".

 

HELP ME?!!??!?!

[Sal Paradise]

I assume this is a site like amihot.com (or whatever it is)? I don't see where this cheating. Could it be a sign that he is looking to cheat? Possibly. Could it just be he wants to see if other people find him attractive because he is insecure and needs the ego boost? Maybe.

[deveera]

Originally posted by deveera

He said he wouldn't email any women and that he wasn't. Then I was checking his history online and found that he had. I confronted him. He said he was just insecure for so long and he needs reassurance from other women that he's hot/attractive. He has a membership to this site. He said he didn't tell me because he didn't think I would understand and thought I would be upset.

 

 

Said he gets defensive about my questions and such because of his ex-wife making him seek counseling by himself and then cheating on him and asking for a divorce anyhow.

 

Guess I want to believe it's harmless... and it really IS just because he's insecure and needs a bolster to his ego (said it doesn't count from me because even though I told him he was a ten in my book, he said that I'm his wife and he figured that was the case or I wouldn't have married him).

 

I have checked up on him and tried to talk with him about everything I found that concerned me... I had to or it would have eaten me alive. Now he's deleting his online history before he goes to work and I'm NOT supposed to WORRY and just trust him?? He knows I was looking at his history, I made it very clear. So, rather than do things he shouldn't, he's now just deleting the history?

WHY? To prove to me that he needs his privacy?

So that when I confront him with this, he can say "why are you spying on me?"

 

ugh. I know that open and honest communication is the key to a successful, happy marriage. I am trying to be as open and honest with HIM as I can... and I just don't feel like I'm getting the same in return...

 

!?!?

 

Now what?

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by deveera

Said he gets defensive about my questions and such because of his ex-wife making him seek counseling by himself and then cheating on him and asking for a divorce anyhow.

 

Guess I want to believe it's harmless... and it really IS just because he's insecure and needs a bolster to his ego (said it doesn't count from me because even though I told him he was a ten in my book, he said that I'm his wife and he figured that was the case or I wouldn't have married him).

 

I have checked up on him and tried to talk with him about everything I found that concerned me... I had to or it would have eaten me alive. Now he's deleting his online history before he goes to work and I'm NOT supposed to WORRY and just trust him?? He knows I was looking at his history, I made it very clear. So, rather than do things he shouldn't, he's now just deleting the history?

WHY? To prove to me that he needs his privacy?

So that when I confront him with this, he can say "why are you spying on me?"

 

ugh. I know that open and honest communication is the key to a successful, happy marriage. I am trying to be as open and honest with HIM as I can... and I just don't feel like I'm getting the same in return...

 

!?!?

 

Now what?

 

Sorry I wasn't responding to you I was responding to the thread starter. Now I realize this is an old thread. In your case it sounds like he is hiding something.

[deveera]

 

[deveera]

Yes, I know he's definitely hiding something... but is it just he's embarrassed?? Is he hiding something that ultimately would NOT be a bid deal to me if I just KNEW what it WAS?? Is he just worried about just seeking an ego-boost because of the situation with his ex-wife?

 

 

The obvious answer I would give myself is ASK HIM.

 

I have and he's VERY defensive and tries to throw things back on me (you're just insecure- i feel persecuted- why can't you just trust me?)... right now he said he's thinking things over.

 

He knows I'm waiting ... albeit IMpatiently... for him to get back to me.

[deveera]

Still no word from my husband.

[summerlove]

i am so sorry that your married to someone like that! if i had married the guy that did it to me i would be insane! i wish i knew why guys do this but i don't. i wish you luck and hope things change for you. if not i say get out, there's a better guy or husband out there for you. one who would not do this.

[deveera]

His email WAS down at work, that's a fact. His messages arrived this morning before he even got to work.

 

He said he wouldn't email or IM with anyone and be flirty/sexual/romantic if that would hurt me even though he didnt' see anything wrong with it and he said that he didn't think I was being unreasonable in my request (I had to ask because if he thought I did, then I knew he wouldn't honor what he said.)

 

But, he also said that he did NOT delete the history from his internet yesterday and that he has it set to dump automatically when you turn it off "check it, I have it set at zero". I'm more computer savvy than that. I know that if he uses it in the morning before work and then just turns it off, that the information will still be on there later that day unless he deleted it by hand. (In fact, I just checked myself to make sure it was true.) I THINK he was on his computer this morning, but the history shows nothing.

 

Guess I'll check again later.

 

- Trying not to obsess.

[Katie-anne]

Is this not just 21st century pornography?

 

In the past, men were limited to magazines, videos, strip clubs etc for their "relief". Now, in the age of the internet, digital cameras and cell phones they simply have a wider choice of pornography, and what bigger an ego boost to a man than a "real live" centrefold! All those years they spent fantasizing over photos of women in magazines, and now at the click of a mouse she talks back to him! It's a male heaven!

 

The important point to remember is that they are JUST words and images. They should be deemed as no more of a threat that the words and images found in the magazines of yesteryear.

 

Men will always seek pornography in some form, even if it's limited to their imaginations. Sometimes men just need to get off without the worry of having to please anyone else but themselves. It doesn't mean they don't love us or want us and it shouldn't be looked upon as cheating, if they wanted to cheat physically then they'd be talking to these women in bed and not on the computer.

 

So she's an ex, big deal. She can't have meant that much to him or he'd be with her and not you! Personally i think it's quite refreshing for people to remain good friends with their ex's, there's way too much hatred and bitterness in this world as it is, we don't need to add to it.

 

Men are secretive and elusive about their masturbation habits because they're made to feel bad about doing something that is perfectly natural and normal.

[Lorelei]

I will always remember some advice from Dr Phil - if what he is doing is so harmless - would he do it if you were standing there watching? If not, it is cheating - or if you are wanting to be nice, extreme form of being deceitful.

 

After my experience and three years of someone repeatedly breaking my heart with this kind of behaviour I had to call it quits. I still doubt myself and it shattered my self confidence - for some reason, porn doesn't worry me. It is more him wanting to look at normal women and talk to normal women but not me and doing it in a secretive manner.

 

If he was up front and honest - then we could deal with it. but it was always secretive etc. He would never have the guts to physically cheat, but I was actually watching a doco on this subject and sometimes this is harder to deal with than physical cheating. I believe it!

 

What made it worst is after hours of crying and begging and telling him how it made me feel, over three years - well, he still couldn't change just for me. That and a few other reasons all put together made me get out. It still isn't easy being the one who called it quits tho.