Currently in a healthy relationship but I miss my toxic ex, who is also my first love

[blasephemy]

My ex (20/F) and I (19/M) had been together for two years, we were so very close, she was my first relationship, my first love. We were so close to the point we were practically family, we would talk about marriage casually, we just were long distance and had to wait. I was so madly inlove ( I still might be). She's made me the happiest I've ever been. She really felt like THE one. We were just special.

 

 

BUT she's also made me the saddest, during those 2 years, she had an ex who she has left me for before, and also talked to behind my back. I got really insecure over that ****, it ****ed with me, she ****ed with me with him at least four times, by either leaving me and suddenly talking to him or actually going to be with him, I took her back so much believing this time things would be different. Along the way she began to threaten me whenever we'd fight, she's threatened to send my nudes to my mother before and even pictures of my self harm. My insecurities got so bad I hurt myself and such, it got to the point where whenever her and I would fight, she'd threaten to leave me and go talk to him and I would hurt myself when she did that. The second time that happened, she said it was too much and left, said we weren't working out(in October). She said he (her ex) was to blame for a lot of her **** ups (she said the threatening, he used to do to her) and that she hated him and wouldn't ever talk to him again, especially not this time around even though we were broken up. But she did anyway.. I went bat**** crazy.. I got stalkerish, I made threats etc, I just lost my mind, I told I would kill myself and she told me to do it. It pushed her away further and further. I thought she was a monster for doing that to me again for the FIFTH time.

 

 

Eventually I left her alone, I met someone pretty great (17/F) who talked to me about my ex, and made me feel less crazy, less insecure, more sane, told me I deserve better. We got to talking and we were a lot alike and we bonded really well. We're now dating and she is a lot better than my ex, I know she is. I know she's honest, caring and loving. I know because of her experiences she wouldn't ever do what my ex did to me. She's wonderful so I don't understand why I miss my ex..

 

 

My ex hit me up while I was talking to this new girl(this was before she became my girlfriend), she told me that she left this time around because she needed to tie up that loose end with her ex and for me to have time to work on myself(as i was self destructive and crazy). I didn't believe her, I thought she just came back because of the new girl she heard about. I told her to leave me alone. She then told me about how great we were.. how good we used to be and how easily we could have that again, she showed me logs between her and her ex, showing that they were talking ABOUT ME and how hurt she was I moved onto somebody new, about how I was her ''GREAT LOVE'' and her person. I began dating this new girl, I thought she was right for me. I found out that my ex and her ex started to date, she sent me messages about how he's helped her so much and how he understands that he could never be me, and is still willing to love her. They're together now and she seems to have fixed herself and they seem to be doing great together.. she's going to go see him in a few weeks and he's planning to propose

 

 

As of a few days ago I couldn't stop thinking about my ex. I've felt so guilty. But she was my great love too.. and I don't think I could ever have anything I had with her, with anyone else. She said she knows that too and it had been hard for her to accept but he's helping her. I feel as though I'm going to miss out on my soulmate, and I'll never speak to my best friend again, because she was MORE than just a girlfriend these past two years. She was MY PERSON. And I'm so conflicted. I don't know what to do. , I called her the other day because I felt so anxious, we ended up talking for 3 hours and she made me feel better and the flame just felt renewed.. I felt like she changed and I don't know what to do. I've been depressed, not eating right, constantly anxious and miserable.

 

 

And this new person is just so great.. I don't want to break her heart or leave her I feel so ****ing guilty because the new person I'm with does not deserve this. She's genuinely wonderful, I could love her but I know it wouldn't be as great as the love I had for my ex. What if my ex is just ****ing with me and just does it to me again? Then I'll feel so alone AND ACTUALLY BE ALONE. None of my friends like my ex and all of my friends are closer with the girl I'm currently dating, if I left her for my ex, none of my friends would speak to me again and they've always been the support system for whenever me and my ex have had problems. I wouldn't even have any friends anymore. But my ex.. we just share such a ****ing connection.. it's so easy to talk to her, her love was just so ****ing special.

 

I know that was a long read but please help me.

 

Update: She (my ex) just told me, that the way I've been feeling and the way she's been feeling is wrong and that we need to break it off with the people we have relationships with now, she already has broken it off with her ex because she can't get over me and I can't bring myself to.. I know that she's right, I shouldn't feel this way and be with someone but I also can't go back to my ex and if I told the person I'm with right now how I feel, she would end things.. what do I do?

 

tl;dr: Should I leave this new person, someone who is great and a lot better than my ex, for my ex, who is also my great love and my ''person'', my best friend I've ever had, who I talked to and could talk to about anything?

[benpom]

My ex (20/F) and I (19/M) had been together for two years, we were so very close, she was my first relationship, my first love. We were so close to the point we were practically family, we would talk about marriage casually, we just were long distance and had to wait. I was so madly inlove ( I still might be). She's made me the happiest I've ever been. She really felt like THE one. We were just special.

 

 

BUT she's also made me the saddest, during those 2 years, she had an ex who she has left me for before, and also talked to behind my back. I got really insecure over that ****, it ****ed with me, she ****ed with me with him at least four times, by either leaving me and suddenly talking to him or actually going to be with him, I took her back so much believing this time things would be different. Along the way she began to threaten me whenever we'd fight, she's threatened to send my nudes to my mother before and even pictures of my self harm. My insecurities got so bad I hurt myself and such, it got to the point where whenever her and I would fight, she'd threaten to leave me and go talk to him and I would hurt myself when she did that. The second time that happened, she said it was too much and left, said we weren't working out(in October). She said he (her ex) was to blame for a lot of her **** ups (she said the threatening, he used to do to her) and that she hated him and wouldn't ever talk to him again, especially not this time around even though we were broken up. But she did anyway.. I went bat**** crazy.. I got stalkerish, I made threats etc, I just lost my mind, I told I would kill myself and she told me to do it. It pushed her away further and further. I thought she was a monster for doing that to me again for the FIFTH time.

 

 

Eventually I left her alone, I met someone pretty great (17/F) who talked to me about my ex, and made me feel less crazy, less insecure, more sane, told me I deserve better. We got to talking and we were a lot alike and we bonded really well. We're now dating and she is a lot better than my ex, I know she is. I know she's honest, caring and loving. I know because of her experiences she wouldn't ever do what my ex did to me. She's wonderful so I don't understand why I miss my ex..

 

 

My ex hit me up while I was talking to this new girl(this was before she became my girlfriend), she told me that she left this time around because she needed to tie up that loose end with her ex and for me to have time to work on myself(as i was self destructive and crazy). I didn't believe her, I thought she just came back because of the new girl she heard about. I told her to leave me alone. She then told me about how great we were.. how good we used to be and how easily we could have that again, she showed me logs between her and her ex, showing that they were talking ABOUT ME and how hurt she was I moved onto somebody new, about how I was her ''GREAT LOVE'' and her person. I began dating this new girl, I thought she was right for me. I found out that my ex and her ex started to date, she sent me messages about how he's helped her so much and how he understands that he could never be me, and is still willing to love her. They're together now and she seems to have fixed herself and they seem to be doing great together.. she's going to go see him in a few weeks and he's planning to propose

 

 

As of a few days ago I couldn't stop thinking about my ex. I've felt so guilty. But she was my great love too.. and I don't think I could ever have anything I had with her, with anyone else. She said she knows that too and it had been hard for her to accept but he's helping her. I feel as though I'm going to miss out on my soulmate, and I'll never speak to my best friend again, because she was MORE than just a girlfriend these past two years. She was MY PERSON. And I'm so conflicted. I don't know what to do. , I called her the other day because I felt so anxious, we ended up talking for 3 hours and she made me feel better and the flame just felt renewed.. I felt like she changed and I don't know what to do. I've been depressed, not eating right, constantly anxious and miserable.

 

 

And this new person is just so great.. I don't want to break her heart or leave her I feel so ****ing guilty because the new person I'm with does not deserve this. She's genuinely wonderful, I could love her but I know it wouldn't be as great as the love I had for my ex. What if my ex is just ****ing with me and just does it to me again? Then I'll feel so alone AND ACTUALLY BE ALONE. None of my friends like my ex and all of my friends are closer with the girl I'm currently dating, if I left her for my ex, none of my friends would speak to me again and they've always been the support system for whenever me and my ex have had problems. I wouldn't even have any friends anymore. But my ex.. we just share such a ****ing connection.. it's so easy to talk to her, her love was just so ****ing special.

 

I know that was a long read but please help me.

 

Update: She (my ex) just told me, that the way I've been feeling and the way she's been feeling is wrong and that we need to break it off with the people we have relationships with now, she already has broken it off with her ex because she can't get over me and I can't bring myself to.. I know that she's right, I shouldn't feel this way and be with someone but I also can't go back to my ex and if I told the person I'm with right now how I feel, she would end things.. what do I do?

 

tl;dr: Should I leave this new person, someone who is great and a lot better than my ex, for my ex, who is also my great love and my ''person'', my best friend I've ever had, who I talked to and could talk to about anything?

 

The worst thing anyone experiences in life is regret. To get something great, you have to give up something mediocre. But of course this great thing might just turn out to be something short lived.

 

For a relationship to thrive, guilt has to be out of the way. Guilt is a common factor that leads to depression, isolation, and breakdown of relationship. Your relationship with this new girl is already starting to show a crack.

[tomoyo]

I think you should consider leaving the new girl to spend some time on your own. If you are feeling like this now it will only get worse. My recent ex and i got together when we was SO not over his previous breakup (Which honestly sounded very similar to yours). It led to four years of him not being able to commit to me properly, acting in ways that hurt me very much, and eventually him completely breaking my heart and leaving me for her. Now I am in shambles and will likely have permanent trust issues.

 

I don't think you should be with your ex, I doubt you will ever feel good about the relationship, those past hurts will haunt you and you will never feel completely secure. But you also owe it to this new girl to not string her along with the illusion that your heart is available when it is not. Looking back on my relationship I wish my ex had realized he needed to get over his past before jumping in to something else and cut things off with me before i got too invested. You can't give someone your heart if someone else still has it.