Nearly 8 years, 2 children & no ring

[anna121]

I know how hard this is, but you MUST keep it together. Put the VAR back in his car immediately. Check it as often as you can. I would also get a GPS and track where he goes.

 

Under NO circumstances must you confront him right now. You MUST continue to snoop.

 

I'm sorry, but you are right - he will never tell you so you have to rely on yourself. He is lying to you for his own reasons - it doesn't really matter what they are. What matters is that he is NOT your ally right now. You need to view him with extreme caution until you figure out what is happening.

[Sweetfish]

Something weird is going to happen and its gonna make you more confused than you are now.

 

Re-qoute for reference..

 

You know what.... i have a feeling...

 

Just a feeling...

 

He is cheating and going to seal his record. Meaning he is going to do the last dirty deeds before he gets married

[sandylee1]

Don't confront without something more concrete

 

On the day of the appointment, arrange something with him or better still try and track his movements (follow him covertly), and see what happens.

 

Or on the day, say you tried to get hold of him (do call and you can say you're ill and in pain), if he doesn't respond you can ask where he was.

 

Don't marry him with this going on. ... or set a date about 6 months to 1 year in the future to buy time.

 

Does this sound familiar?

 

I found out my partner of 5 years have been in contact with his ex throughout our relationship.........

I told him 2 months into the relationship (after I caught their flirty text exchanges ) that if I caught him in contact with her again, that we would be over. I caught him a couple more times after the first one but each and everytime he told me I was just being paranoid and that he hasn't heard from her in years. And so pathetically, we carried on with our relationship.

 

This time though, after finding out that he never even tried to stop he proposed to me on the day that I caught him because he wanted to prove how much he wants to keep me

[lucy_in_disguise]

People on loveshack are so obsessed with cheating, I think it is important to take some of the advice with a grain of salt. Personally if you really want to marry this man I think you should take the opportunity to work on your communication as a couple, rather than investing in spying devices. I don't get how you could have 2 kids with someone and be living with them, and not have asked what the fcvk the extra phone line is all about.

 

It seems he's open to at least the appearance of working on your relationship. Can you take the opportunity to address your concerns? Tell him you need him to go to couples counseling with you because you had all but given up, and demand an explanation and proof for the cell phone. If he can't answer your questions sufficiently then I would move on.

 

But at the moment, I don't think your "evidence" necessarily points to infidelity, though it's obvious you have very little trust in him and poor communication skills, which is just as alarming. I don't know what the phone line is all about, but the "missing time" to be could be any number of innocent explanations, from just driving around to be alone for a couple of hours, to planning a surprise for you. The calls to his ex so far do not seem alarming either, especially given they work together.

 

S!ht or get off the pot but don't spend months on espionage.

Edited January 9, 2017 by lucy_in_disguise

[elaine567]

 

Under NO circumstances must you confront him right now. You MUST continue to snoop.

 

 

repeated for emphasis.

 

SAY NOTHING.

All you will do is alert him and he will lie and lie and lie to you and make you question your own sanity and then he will just be even more careful...

 

Once you get enough evidence to prove to yourself that he is cheating then that is enough, you do not need to prove to him he is cheating, he already knows that.

[BettyDraper]

People on loveshack are so obsessed with cheating, I think it is important to take some of the advice with a grain of salt. Personally if you really want to marry this man I think you should take the opportunity to work on your communication as a couple, rather than investing in spying devices. I don't get how you could have 2 kids with someone and be living with them, and not have asked what the fcvk the extra phone line is all about.

 

It seems he's open to at least the appearance of working on your relationship. Can you take the opportunity to address your concerns? Tell him you need him to go to couples counseling with you because you had all but given up, and demand an explanation and proof for the cell phone. If he can't answer your questions sufficiently then I would move on.

 

But at the moment, I don't think your "evidence" necessarily points to infidelity, though it's obvious you have very little trust in him and poor communication skills, which is just as alarming. I don't know what the phone line is all about, but the "missing time" to be could be any number of innocent explanations, from just driving around to be alone for a couple of hours, to planning a surprise for you. The calls to his ex so far do not seem alarming either, especially given they work together.

 

S!ht or get off the pot but don't spend months on espionage.

 

Did you miss the part when her boyfriend apologized to his ex about being unable to make it this weekend? Why would he have to make plans on the weekend with someone who was just a coworker?

 

I don't understand why you're encouraging the OP to ignore all of the red flags concerning a man who showed a clear lack of respect for her until she found out about the burner phone. It's destructive and ridiculous to blame her for lack of trust when her boyfriend's behavior has been awful and he only started being kind to her right after she started snooping.

 

To be honest, I think your advice should be taken with a grain of salt.

[olivetree]

I think he may have got his ex pregnant and the appointment has something to do with that... aborting or ultrasound perhaps.

 

Otherwise he is supporting her through a difficult time. Which means he is emotionally (and physically) invested.

 

He's in such a rush to marry you so it won't be easy for you to walk away.

He either got alerted that you were snooping or there was a rift in his other relationship.

 

I think you have enough evidence to confirm he is cheating.

However, I understand you are very close to the situation and want to believe he isn't capable of that, so there is still that shred of denial.

Since you need more proof, put the VAR back in his car and carry on.

I know it must be incredibly difficult to act normal around him.

 

I hope you realize you're better than spending the rest of your life with a lying, cheating, selfish a$$ who has dangled marriage in front of you on and off for years and only wants to lock you in now that you might discover what a prize he really is.

 

On the one hand, I say don't marry him.

On the other hand, you were worried that if you broke up you would walk away with nothing.

At least marrying him would allow you to legally take half the stuff you've been contributing to for the last 8 years anyway when you divorce.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Did you miss the part when her boyfriend apologized to his ex about being unable to make it this weekend? Why would he have to make plans on the weekend with someone who was just a coworker?

 

I don't understand why you're encouraging the OP to ignore all of the red flags concerning a man who showed a clear lack of respect for her until she found out about the burner phone. It's destructive and ridiculous to blame her for lack of trust when her boyfriend's behavior has been awful and he only started being kind to her right after she started snooping.

 

To be honest, I think your advice should be taken with a grain of salt.

 

I'm not suggesting she ignore the red flags. I just believe that if you need to resort to voice activated recorders hidden under the car seat to figure out where your boyfriend went for 30 minutes, the relationship is probably not worth saving. I am suggesting she confront him directly rather than spying on him, and if he is not able to address the issues directly and to her satisfaction, that she not waste any more of her time.

 

Re: the convo with the ex, knowing that they work together I personally would not read so much into the conversation. Maybe it's just my line of work but I frequently have to interact with my coworkers on the weekends when urgent items come up.

[Sweetfish]

I'm not suggesting she ignore the red flags. I just believe that if you need to resort to voice activated recorders hidden under the car seat to figure out where your boyfriend went for 30 minutes, the relationship is probably not worth saving. I am suggesting she confront him directly rather than spying on him, and if he is not able to address the issues directly and to her satisfaction, that she not waste any more of her time.

 

Re: the convo with the ex, knowing that they work together I personally would not read so much into the conversation. Maybe it's just my line of work but I frequently have to interact with my coworkers on the weekends when urgent items come up.

 

Lmao... i suggest you look at the caught cheating by drone video on youtube..

 

A cheater is not going to be like... yes honey.. i was balls deep in another women. I know plenty guys who cheat and the wife is absolutely clueless. So yes she needs to protect her self and kids.

 

Slight chance this is just all a fluke.. and she is just going crazy... the OP is not crazy.. she knows something is up.

[aureliee]

I haven't left him yet because what if I'm wrong. What if I'm just being crazy, jealous and he is doing nothing wrong. What if he is telling the truth and it was just a rough patch, like a previous rough patch we had. What if he is telling the truth and he does really want to save our relationship. What if he does really finally want to get married.

 

I can't just tear apart my family without having a solid reason for doing it. It's not just walking away from a boyfriend. It's breaking up my family that my kids have grown up with, it's lawyers and court dates to decide custody, it's losing precious time with my children, it's hurting my children, it's losing my partner, it's losing everything that I have spent 8 years working towards, it's becoming homeless and having to scurry to get settled again. I cannot live with doubt that I did that for nothing. I need to know that I'm making the right decision for me and for my kids.

 

February 4th is our 8 "anniversary". I don't like calling it an anniversary because I feel those are for married couples. We've never done anything on that day, or acknowledged it. Today he said he wanted to go out that day and arranged for him mom to take our kids. He hasn't even ever known what day our "anniversary" was. He said he has the whole day planned and booked a hotel for that night. I don't know how he can plan ahead if he is seeing someone else.

 

It's so confusing and I don't know how to process it. It's back and forth, back and forth. I had the day off today and he went into work. All I could think about was that he was there with his ex and what he was doing with her. Which is stupid because he's at work... There is nothing that he could be doing with her in the office other than some flirting maybe. They both have their own office, but the walls are made of glass. There is no ability to hide anything physical. Yet, I cannot get the thought of him having sex with her off my mind. These images play in my mind over and over like mental videos.

 

I spent the day going through every inch of the house and garage. Nothing was left untouched, and yes, everything was put back how it was found. Hours and hours of searching and I found nothing. Absolutely nothing. I don't know what I was hoping to find but whatever it was, I didn't.

 

He's been in the garage 'working' for a few hours now and it's driving me crazy. He doesn't usually do things in the garage in the winter and I can't hear him actually doing anything. Minimal noise doesn't transfer between the walls so I can't hear anything. He said he was going to build a couple gates, but that doesn't take him very long.

 

I know that he has to have that other phone somewhere in this house. He made those phone calls on the weekend and he rarely goes to work on the weekends. So he does bring that phone home. I didn't expect to find it today, since he went to work he'd obviously take it with him. He's home now and he hasn't really left the garage since he got home. He came inside, changed, ate, then went right back to the garage. I checked his suit pockets but there was nothing. When he falls asleep I am so tempted to go through every inch of his car and the garage, again...

[foxgener]

I haven't left him yet because what if I'm wrong. What if I'm just being crazy, jealous and he is doing nothing wrong. What if he is telling the truth and it was just a rough patch, like a previous rough patch we had. What if he is telling the truth and he does really want to save our relationship. What if he does really finally want to get married.

 

I can't just tear apart my family without having a solid reason for doing it. It's not just walking away from a boyfriend. It's breaking up my family that my kids have grown up with, it's lawyers and court dates to decide custody, it's losing precious time with my children, it's hurting my children, it's losing my partner, it's losing everything that I have spent 8 years working towards, it's becoming homeless and having to scurry to get settled again. I cannot live with doubt that I did that for nothing. I need to know that I'm making the right decision for me and for my kids.

 

February 4th is our 8 "anniversary". I don't like calling it an anniversary because I feel those are for married couples. We've never done anything on that day, or acknowledged it. Today he said he wanted to go out that day and arranged for him mom to take our kids. He hasn't even ever known what day our "anniversary" was. He said he has the whole day planned and booked a hotel for that night. I don't know how he can plan ahead if he is seeing someone else.

 

It's so confusing and I don't know how to process it. It's back and forth, back and forth. I had the day off today and he went into work. All I could think about was that he was there with his ex and what he was doing with her. Which is stupid because he's at work... There is nothing that he could be doing with her in the office other than some flirting maybe. They both have their own office, but the walls are made of glass. There is no ability to hide anything physical. Yet, I cannot get the thought of him having sex with her off my mind. These images play in my mind over and over like mental videos.

 

I spent the day going through every inch of the house and garage. Nothing was left untouched, and yes, everything was put back how it was found. Hours and hours of searching and I found nothing. Absolutely nothing. I don't know what I was hoping to find but whatever it was, I didn't.

 

He's been in the garage 'working' for a few hours now and it's driving me crazy. He doesn't usually do things in the garage in the winter and I can't hear him actually doing anything. Minimal noise doesn't transfer between the walls so I can't hear anything. He said he was going to build a couple gates, but that doesn't take him very long.

 

I know that he has to have that other phone somewhere in this house. He made those phone calls on the weekend and he rarely goes to work on the weekends. So he does bring that phone home. I didn't expect to find it today, since he went to work he'd obviously take it with him. He's home now and he hasn't really left the garage since he got home. He came inside, changed, ate, then went right back to the garage. I checked his suit pockets but there was nothing. When he falls asleep I am so tempted to go through every inch of his car and the garage, again...

 

Stay calm and don't self-sabotage!

[Mumbles]

I know there are four pages of reading in front of me, but there are a couple of good posts early on here that I want to respond to:

 

Whatever his reasons are, today as back in the old days many a man will not buy the cow when he can get the milk for free.

 

I think theres a lot to be said for this point of view ( I'm a man by the way).

 

It sounds nasty and manipulative, but it doesnt have to be the case .. just cold hard reality. People are motivated by things that are important to them.

 

Marriage, as a social contract, just isn't that important to a lot of men. It doesnt mean they don't love their women, it doesnt mean that they don't want to be monogamous, it doesn't even mean that they don't want their women to be their partner for life.

 

For full disclosure, I've been married twice, still on my second. I love(d) both my wives deeply and fully. The first marriage dissolved and the partnership would have finished regardless of the legal paperwork ... as many do.

 

What was important to me is that my lady loved me and wanted to be with me to make a life together. Marriage, per se, bleah, I could take it or leave it - no strong feelings either way.

 

However, I -did- get married, twice, because my lady's wanted it. It was important to them, so I agreed. They didn't twist my arm or give me an ultimatum, but as a loving man/partner I wanted to give them what they truly desired - as one hopes ones partner will do for you.

 

In short, what am I trying to say? Well, to move a partner in this direction it has to become important to them. Ultimately, marriage doesn't have to be a big hassle if thats not what both partners want, so, for example, if excuses are coming up around cost, size, availability of family/friends, etc, a celebrant can do it for you at the local courthouse for about $100-200 and 2-3 hours of your time ... it really can be that simple.

 

My first marriage cost way too much (house deposit sized!) and had too many people involved. The second we went to a celebrant with close friends, not even family, and we were legally bound in 2 hours + $200

 

But to get your man over the threshold, it has to be something, or become something he cares about. In the OP's case, she's done the right thing imho and plenty of touchy feely and nice gentle nudges. Now is the time to think about how important it really is to _her_ as its probable the only way to make it important to her SO is in the form of an ultimatum.

 

Ultimatums are bad, in my opinion, because you can't march back from them. One has to make ultimatums with the full and clear knowledge that ones proposal might well be declined and then you can lose everything. But, honestly, things that are truly important to your life and wellbeing can't be ignored forever, and if this man is going to refuse the ultimatum and leave the OP, well, the 'leaving' is going to happen anyway, at some point, it just comes down to timing.

 

As to you going to the gym, you are not doing the right exercises or not working hard enough. Eating healthy sounds as code for ignore how much I am eating instead of cutting down on your food intake. Get serious for your self.

 

As a gym rat myself I have to agree with the above. 130lb is -not- big for a woman, even if she's short. In my language thats about 59KG. Even if the OP is about 5' thats still not a bad weight. Yes, some meat on your bones, but not even close to being truly overweight

 

Having said that, gains in shape and loss of flab can always be achieved in the gym if you're working it right and eating sensible quantities of decent food. I see lots of men and women in the gym who are simply going through the motions. No real effort being expended. Wrong weight, wrong exercises, mentally checked out while they are there.

 

I don't believe, unless the OP is about 4' high, that the weight is the problem here, however, for ones own self esteem and health, keeping fit can't be a bad thing no matter what life has in store for the future.

 

 

As to your relationship you have choices, stay the way things are, marry me or I leave you.

 

 

I vote for marry or else option.

 

It does appear from the nature of the OP that there is where we're at. How do we make marriage important to the partner here? He obviously is fully aware that its important to her, and not in some trivial child tantrum sort of way, it seems genuine and heartfelt. So, -make- it important to him. Find the right time and use some nice words, but yes be clear ... marry me or I leave you. At this point, its reasonable.

 

As I said above, ultimatums, yeack, but, if he chooses the 'leave' option, well, its really unfortunate but probably coming anyway.

[Mumbles]

What is it with our generation and their paranoia of marriage? I had to laugh the other day, a friend of mine posted on her facebook that it is her 15th "anniversary" today. She's not married. They have two kids. I just sort of shook my head.

 

This bit is easily answered. We've created a social construct here, in marriage, that is completely outdated and obsolete. It served a purpose, once, but today, there is quite literally -no- upside to a man getting married.

 

The sexual revolution in the 60's and as part of that the science that came along allowing a large amount of freedom for women in controlling procreation means that sexual partners, or potential partners, abound.

 

Yes, theres a swagload more to marriage than sex, as a married man I know that for a certainty. But, a free roaming man, in todays society, doesn't even need to consider sex for a moment in his future life plan. Its available, and he can gain it if he so desires.

 

Children? Yes, but as we moved out of the 60's and seventies and fully into the 80's and 90's the stigma associated with bastard children almost completely evaporated. So, a man that wants to procreate, honestly now, doesn't need marriage to do so (not that you ever did, but you know, social stigma and whatnot).

 

 

Listen ladies, if I can be so blunt let me be honest with you. A man will marry you if he wants to. Plain and simple, he'll marry you as soon as he can. I married my wife a year and a half after meeting her. No regrets. I knew two weeks in she was the "one".

 

I think there is quite some truth to this. 6 months to a year, a little longer perhaps, but not much.

 

But even there, given my words above. Whats in it for the man (or woman?). For mine, I didn't object, despite not having strong feelings pro or against the institution of marriage simply because to me its a social statement to my friends, family and circle.

 

Legally, where I live anyway, it makes barely any difference. The law regards long standing cohabiting couples equivalent in law, and certainly, where child maintenance is concerned, you don't even need to be a 'couple'. Once a child is born, both partners are "on the hook" financially until the child is 18 years old. No escape.

[Mumbles]

Ok. I've read through the rest of the thread now, and things have really progressed. I probably should have waited before my previous responses until I'd got through to the latest situation.

 

Yes, LS people, including me, are pretty sensitive to cheating or even the possible smell of it. Its not surprising, many have come here with real life experience along these lines.

 

However, despite there being a decided whiff about that phone call its not damning evidence alone. Smells bad though I must admit.

 

The thing is, in a partnership its not enough to be 'good' - you have to be seen to be 'good'. In other words, yes, the coworker who is the ex ... it might all be above board and platonic, it really might, but every man and woman in a monogamous relationship has to be careful in dealings with the opposite sex, and doubly careful if there is any history and there is here.

 

I've just been reading a thread where someone is worrying about their SO going away on a holiday with one other person, just the two of them, and the other person is the opposite sex. Yes, its quite possible for these things to be completely platonic, absolutely within the realms of possibility - but it smells bad right? Any straight thinking person who cares how their SO feels would not go on a holiday like this, without taking their partner along - because it looks, feels, smells and is wrong.

 

Likewise with your situation. Yes, your boyfriend might be doing nothing more than being a good friend, in the consoling sense, to a woman who is going through some rough stuff. But! Right from the get-go he should have included you in this, because its the right thing, the respectful thing to do with relation to you, his SO. If you disagree with his 'consoling' this old girlfriend then, again, the respectful thing for him to do would be to extricate himself from the ex's world in as nice a way as he can, but still, respect you and pull away from her.

 

Trust is a fickle thing and it needs to be built and then maintained. Its not a given.

 

On his apparent 180, well, it might be nothing more than he's finally received the wake up call that he needed. Lots of what you've relayed to us here in relation to his turn around sounds feasible and even reasonable. He might well have snapped out of it, so to speak. It might well be, as he's said, related to the arrival of another child, he's feeling responsible and under pressure and maybe even some sort of male version of post-partum depression.

 

You're accounting for his time, he knows it - its going to be nigh on impossible for him under these circumstances to maintain a relationship on the side. Note: I say relationship here. Sex on the other hand, well, you can't control this. All you need to keep a sex buddy on the side is 30 minutes over lunchtime during normal work hours. Hell, 15 minutes in the carpark is enough. But what I'm really saying there is that you can't know or control another 100% of the time, thats where the built/maintained trust kicks in.

 

You've found a massive red flag here, the phone call in the car. On its own, not enough, but I'd be tempted to rebuild the trust here (or not!) and follow things a bit more closely than you otherwise would do until you get proof positive.

 

Why not drop by your husbands work a few times a week, during lunch, invite him to lunch with you, see if theres any chance of seeing both him and the coworker in the same space together? Read the body language. Hell, if you're feeling really bold, invite her along to lunch as well.

[SoleMate]

OP, if your bf is oddly working in the garage for hours for no apparent reason, I'd just pop out there with 2 mugs of tea in hand to chat....the way people would do in a normal relationship. (If my BF were truly working in the garage, he would love the company....he works best if I'm right there "assisting".) If you honestly feel you can't even crack open the door....

 

I see you questioning your own perception, judgment and maybe even sanity. But the fact is, most people (or all?) on this thread are deeply suspicious of your BF as well. IT'S NOT CRAZY TO BE SUSPICIOUS when someone is making weekend appts with his ex without your knowledge. Most couples have the informal agreement that any ex contact is to be noted to the other party.

 

You're being gaslighted and in fact, the gross and scary thing about gaslighting is that first he does it to you, then it gets to where you start doing it to yourself.

 

Please, see a family lawyer to learn best how to protect yourself and your children.

[Whitestar]

This bit is easily answered. We've created a social construct here, in marriage, that is completely outdated and obsolete. It served a purpose, once, but today, there is quite literally -no- upside to a man getting married.

 

The sexual revolution in the 60's and as part of that the science that came along allowing a large amount of freedom for women in controlling procreation means that sexual partners, or potential partners, abound.

 

Yes, theres a swagload more to marriage than sex, as a married man I know that for a certainty. But, a free roaming man, in todays society, doesn't even need to consider sex for a moment in his future life plan. Its available, and he can gain it if he so desires.

 

Children? Yes, but as we moved out of the 60's and seventies and fully into the 80's and 90's the stigma associated with bastard children almost completely evaporated. So, a man that wants to procreate, honestly now, doesn't need marriage to do so (not that you ever did, but you know, social stigma and whatnot).

 

 

 

 

I think there is quite some truth to this. 6 months to a year, a little longer perhaps, but not much.

 

But even there, given my words above. Whats in it for the man (or woman?). For mine, I didn't object, despite not having strong feelings pro or against the institution of marriage simply because to me its a social statement to my friends, family and circle.

 

Legally, where I live anyway, it makes barely any difference. The law regards long standing cohabiting couples equivalent in law, and certainly, where child maintenance is concerned, you don't even need to be a 'couple'. Once a child is born, both partners are "on the hook" financially until the child is 18 years old. No escape.

 

This is why I have no intention to get married OR live together with a woman.

[sandylee1]

There's obviously something going on and he wouldn't be the first guy to get married while actively cheating. Nor the last.

 

Have you checked his toolbox? Car trunk?

 

In the garage for ages and no noise .... he knows you're suspicious, so he's ramping it up. You need to keep level headed while you investigate. Contrary to a pp, he will not admit anything you don't have proof of, so it's pointless confronting him now.

 

Nobody is saying leave him now, but you need to find out what is going on.

 

Can I ask why you don't think it's possible that he says he's going to work and then meets up with her? He could take a half day off. Many of the OWs here have settled with sex in the car and the toilets at work.

 

They will always find time if they truly want to. That's a fact.

[olivetree]

This is why I have no intention to get married OR live together with a woman.

 

Do you have multiple personalities?

Your threads make no sense together and now this comment when you have apparently been shacking up with a gf for the last three years.

 

OP, did you put the VAR back in his car?

Check the phone records yet to see the communication history.

The fact that he called his ex, probably on his burner phone, is damning enough evidence if you ask me.

 

You're probably right about him hiding the phone in the garage.

Or he at least texts/calls his ex from there.

[sandylee1]

This is why I have no intention to get married OR live together with a woman.

 

Nothing about your thread makes sense. Not a single thing.

[Cinnamonstix]

aureliee, perhaps my story can help you a little.

 

For the first year my ex bf said he wanted to marry me. Then we started to have problems and he stopped saying those things. When I asked him why, he said he wasn't sure about a future together. That didn't stop him from wanting to move in together. I stupidly hung on and moved in with him, hoping that things would change. At about 2 years in, he went away for a weekend bachelor party. We had been having problems right up until he left. When he returned home, he suddenly wanted a future together. His 180 after a weekend away set off alarm bells. It's not like things had been good between us for a while and he had renewed hope in us. There were also so many other red flags but I was in denial. After we broke up a year later, I was told my ex had cheated on me during that bachelor party.

 

The 180 your ex is pulling is very common for cheaters. Your ex is trying to ease his guilt.

[aureliee]

Last night after my boyfriend came to bed I waited for him to fall asleep, after he was asleep I got up and started looking through the garage. I spent 2 hours going through everything in there and found nothing. I went through his car, which was spotless so there wasn't much to go through. I looked in the trunk of his car under the mat, in the compartment that holds the spare tire. Lo and behold, there was a phone there. I've never changed a tire in my life, I never thought to look there. The flap to lift it was pulled up or I probably never would have noticed it.

 

There was text message conversations to 5 people. I found an app that downloaded the conversations to my computer. 3 of the conversations were flirting and sexting, with pictures... Including pictures from my boyfriend... I don't know what's worse, seeing my boyfriend sending nudes to other women or seeing pictures of other women's boobs and vaginas that my husband enjoyed. The conversations where from April to August and there was no sign that they ever did anything other than sext. One of them did say "don't tell our boss" so they do work together. Just seeing that was horrifying and disgusting and humiliating.

 

The 4th conversation was with a woman and hooking up was mentioned twice. The conversation was from October-November. There wasn't any sexting but there was texts that made reference to them having hooked up at least twice. He did ask for pictures but she replied with "If you want to see me you'll have to come over and take my clothes off ;)" to which he replied "I'll take you up on that offer".

 

The 5th conversation was the worst one. It was with his ex-girlfriend that he works with. The messages started in October but clearly was going on before that he probably deleted it. It wasn't just sex, he said he loved her and wanted to be with her. That he never wanted to be with me. There was high's and low's like a real relationship. There wasn't a lot of texts but when I checked the call log on his phone he called that number almost daily and talked for a few minutes to hours. The calls went back to March. He said that he was leaving me for her. They both referred to me as "A" instead of my name or his girlfriend, like I'm not even a person here. I've saw her at a grocery store in October and she was nothing but nice to me, while she was ****ing my boyfriend and having a relationship with him.

 

For anyone who wants some curious reading here is what the app downloaded:

 

October 2: (talking about a trip we went on together)

OW: I wish you weren’t going with her I hate thinking about you in a hotel with her and spending all that time together.

BF: Trust me, I don’t want to be there either. I’d much rather have you there. We’d never leave the hotel room

OW: Please don’t sleep with her… I don’t want you to fall for her again.

BF: I could never do either. Only a few more things, then I’m out.

OW: Okay…

BF: Don’t worry about it! There is nothing between us anymore. She means nothing to me, she never has.

OW: She doesn’t seem to think that.

BF: She wouldn’t believe it if I spelt it out for her. Trust me. There is nothing there. We won’t even sleep in the same bed. K?

OW: Better not.

 

October 6:

OW: I miss you so much, I wish we could talk This trip can’t end soon enough. It’s driving me insane.

OW: I wish you would talk to me. I need to hear your voice. Call me as soon as you are home… I love you.

 

October 8:

BF: I’m home, I’ll slip out for a bit. I’ll call you.

 

October 13:

OW: I love going back to work with your cum dripping from my pussy

BF: Now when you go to your meeting with [NAME REMOVED] all you will be able to think about is me

 

October 19:

OW: I hate when you won’t talk to me

BF: I know. I’m sorry. This is harder than I thought. It’ll be done soon.

OW: Please don’t ignore me at work… I hate seeing you and not being able to talk to you. I miss our breaks.

OW: Will you call me tonight?

BF: Yeah, if I’m able to.

OW: **** her. Not literally, but seriously. Come on. It’s been 5 years.

BF: We’ll talk later.

 

October 22 to 31:

Graphic sexting with pictures, daily; I just can't look at it

 

November 6:

BF: Hey babe, how are you?

OW: I miss you so much

OW: I wish you could be here.

BF: Me too. I miss your smile, and eyes, and laugh, and that sexy, sexy body of yours

OW: I wish I could kiss you

OW: All over

OW: I want my lips to me around your cock

BF: You’re the best at it

OW: Better than her?

BF: In every way

OW: Tell me

BF: You are so much better than she ever was, is, and ever could be. In every single way.

OW: Come over.

BF: Not tonight, I can’t get away.

OW: I don’t want to share you

BF: Don’t worry, I’ll be good Who needs her when I have you

OW: I wish you could leave now

BF: Soon babe

OW: Does she know?

BF: Not yet

OW: I don’t want to be a secret

BF: You’re my sexy secret

BF: Soon. I’ll leave soon.

OW: I can’t wait to have you to myself

BF: You already do babe. You’re the only one I want.

OW: Don’t sleep with her.

BF: I can’t even get it up for her. She's repulsive. No one compares to you.

 

November 9:

OW: You need to call me. Please, By

OW: [NAME REMOVED], please call me.

OW: Come on… If you are never going to leave her just tell me. I deserve to know.

OW: And A deserves to know about this. If you don’t tell her I will.

BF: No, you won’t. I know you and I know you would take it to your grave rather than come out with it.

OW: Did you sleep with [NAME REMOVED]?

OW: Of course you won’t answer. Come on…

BF: I’ll call you in 10.

 

November 13:

OW: If you want me to trust you then you can’t act like that…

 

November 17:

OW: What did you have for dinner?

BF: Steak. Did you get home ok?

OW: Yeah. Traffic was bad. I’m having salmon.

BF: Queen’s was packed when I came home.

OW: I won’t be able to make it tomorrow. I have a meeting with [NAME REMOVED].

BF: Darn

 

November 18 & 19:

Graphic sexting with pictures daily

 

November 20:

OW: How are your kids?

BF: E just started walking

BF: *sent video

OW: Gosh she’s so cute! She looks like you. Thank goodness

BF: She got the better half of the gene pool

BF: I love being a dad.

OW: You’re an amazing dad. I want to see you.

BF: A could disagree with you there. I’ll try and come over tonight.

OW: She doesn’t know a turd when she sees one.

OW: Call me either way But I really hope I can see you.

 

November 21 to 26

Graphic sexting with pictures daily

 

November 27: (talking about a hotel that is across the street from his office)

Graphic sexting with pictures

BF: Tuesday at Rad over lunch?

OW: Definitely

 

December 4:

OW: [NAME REMOVED] needs the file for tomorrow.

BF: Kk.

 

December 7:

OW: I missed you today. I love when you call me every day.

OW: Are you okay?

OW: Babe?

BF: Not today.

OW: *sigh… not this again…

OW: Can we please talk about this? We need to.

 

December 8:

OW: Are we okay?

BF: Ya. Fine.

OW: Do you want to go to Rad today?

OW: Babe?

BF: [NAME REMOVED]. Not today. Leave it alone.

OW: Can we at least talk about this?

BF: Not today. Give me time.

OW: Are you staying with her?

BF: No

OW: Is there someone else again?

BF: No. Just leave it alone.

OW: Just tell me if you are seeing someone else…

BF: I’m not seeing anyone else.

OW: Are you sleeping with someone?

BF: Does it really matter?

OW: Yeah, it does. I want you. I’m here waiting for you. Not to be the 3rd, 4th, 5th, woman in you life. I have been waiting for you without seeing anyone else.

OW: If I have to find out from someone else I’m done. Just tell me… I need to know.

OW: I want the whole package not bits and pieces. I deserve better than that. You know what is at stake.

BF: I slept with someone else a couple times. It was just sex, nothing more. Meant nothing.

OW: Who? When? Sex always means something…

BF: It doesn’t matter who and it doesn’t matter when. It’s over. It was just sex.

OW: It matters to ME.

OW: It wasn’t “just sex”. It was you bonding with someone else when you could have been doing it with me. You have limited time to get away and you chose to spend it with someone else. So who the **** was it and when was it?

BF: You don’t know her. It was a couple times over the last month. I didn’t plan it, it just happened. If I plan to get away, you know it’s always with you

OW: Obviously not. How am I supposed to trust that you are going to stop? This is the fourth time.

BF: I didn’t plan it. You are the only woman I want. I’m leaving A soon. You know that. You know I’m leaving her for you. I had to make sure I was making the right decision.

OW: Oh **** off. You don’t need to sleep with FOUR random drunks to know I am the one for you. You either know or you don’t. Sticking your dick inside someone else doesn’t help you decide. Did you even use protection?

BF: What I feel for you I don’t feel for anyone else. Not A, not other women. I love you. I want to marry you. I want my family with you. We are going to have a great life together. What I did was wrong, I know that.

BF: Of course I did. I’m not going to put you at risk like that. You know me better than that. I’d never do that.

OW: How am I suppose to trust you? I mean come on By, you’ve been lying to A for 5 years, if not longer. How many women have you cheated on HER with? I don’t care how horrible she is, you’re still hurting every woman you come into contact with.

BF: You trust me because I actually tell you the truth. I have never told A about anything, and she is too stupid to figure it out. You are a smart woman, you know that I’m being honest and that we’re going to be so happy together. We already are. I won’t ever hurt you again. You know that.

OW: If you ever do it again I’m done. You need to just be with me. Love me and only me.

BF: You are the only woman I love.

OW: Then just leave A. There is no reason for you to stay. You aren’t married, you have the upper hand. Your kids are going to be hurt regardless, better to get it over with than keeping hurting them. I’m sure they have realized something is different at home. Just leave. Tell her you are done and be done with it.

OW: You can have a fresh start.

BF: I’m almost ready to leave. You know that. There are things that have to be taken care of first. I want a clean break. It’s better for everyone.

OW: When are you going to leave her?

BF: Soon.

OW: No. WHEN are you going to leave her. Soon isn’t an answer.

BF: After the holidays. We’ll start the new year together.

OW: Promise?

BF: I promise.

 

December 9:

OW: Please talk to me…

BF: We’ll talk tomorrow

OW: Can you call me?

BF: Tomorrow

OW: Please

BF: Tomorrow. Goodnight.

 

December 10:

OW: Are we still on for today?

OW: Please?

BF: Ya. YKW.

OW: I love you…

 

December 12:

OW: Are you still coming over?

BF: Not tonight. I can’t get away.

OW: Just leave

BF: I can’t tonight

OW. Just leave HER already.

OW: We can be together and I will make you so much happier

OW: All she does is bring you down and she doesn’t care about you at all. You are wasting so much time that could be spent with me. For what?

BF: You already do make me happier. She means nothing to me, you know that. She was never the woman for me, you are. You always were. I’ve always thought of you as the one.

OW: I love you so. So much.

BF: I love you too. I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll call you tonight if I can.

 

December 16:

OW: Are we good to go?

BF: Yeah, I’m all yours all weekend. Just me and you, quality time.

OW: I’m excited to have you here with me.

BF: Is there anything I can bring for you?

 

December 21:

BF: Are you feeling ok tonight?

OW: Pretty sick. I’m just going to go to bed.

 

December 23:

BF: I’ll be there in 30 minutes

OW: I’m waiting for you.

BF: Be naked in bed with your legs spread so I can se that pussy of yours

OW: I’m wet and ready

 

December 24:

OW: I wish we could spend Christmas together

BF: Me too baby. But you know what? We don’t get to this year but we get all the years after that.

OW: We better. We’ve missed too many already. We can’t miss anymore now.

BF: How are you feeling?

OW: Pretty crappy. Really nauseated right now.

BF: I wish I could be there for you.

OW: Me too. It would make me feel better having you here.

BF: I’m sorry

OW: Soon right?

BF: So soon.

 

December 25:

BF: I can get out for about an hour. Need to “go check the ice for skating”

OW: Come over!

BF: Do you want me to bring you anything?

OW: I don’t think there is anything I can take. Just come

BF: Kk. I’ll be there soon.

 

December 27:

BF: You’re so sexy

OW: I wish I felt it

OW: You could come over and show me how sexy I am

BF: I might have to take you up on that offer. I’ll get out of here early.

OW: I won’t be up for much

BF: I want to be there for you. I don’t care if you’re in sweats and a sweatshirt and we watch a movie. I just want time with you right now.

 

December 29:

BF: How are you feeling?

OW: Maybe a little bit better. It’s hard to say. It comes and goes.

BF: I’m going to call you tonight. I love you.

OW: I love you too.

 

December 31:

OW: Are you going out tonight? Alone? I can meet you if you’re going out with [NAME REMOVED].

BF: Didn’t plan on it but I ‘could’ and it will just be me and you.

OW: My favorite

BF: 10?

OW: Sure

 

January 1:

OW: I’m so lucky I got to start the year with you.

BF: And you’ll finish it with me too

OW: I’m so lucky

 

January 3:

OW: Don’t forget to call [NAME REMOVED] about the trip. Okay?

OW: Are you going to call me tonight?

BF: I’m going to come by. I can’t stay long.

OW: Why?

Bf: I’ll talk to you when I’m there. Driving. 5 minutes.

 

January 4:

OW: Are we okay? You left so abruptly last night…

OW: Will you call me tonight?

OW: Babe? Please?

OW: Your phone is off… Please don’t be doing anything with her… I need you.

 

January 5:

OW: [NAME REMOVED] please Just talk to me and let me know what is going on. Are you at home?

OW: I just want to know that you’re okay…

OW: I love you… Please call me

January 6:

OW: Please just call me I’m sorry if I did something wrong… I wish I could just call and make sure you are okay. I hate being on the outside looking in.

OW: If you don’t talk to me tonight I’m going to assume you are staying with A and if that’s the case we’re done. I can’t do this anymore. No one needs this version of you.

BF: I’ll call you in 5.

 

January 9:

BF: Do you want to meet for lunch today. I can get out of this meeting. Just to talk.

OW: Of course.

 

I can't handle this. I can maybe deal with him having sex with someone random on the side once or twice. But I can't deal with him having a full relationship with someone else and loving her. He talks to her more than he talks to me, the phone logged hours and hours and hours of calls between them. We've never "sexted", he doesn't sneak away at lunch to see me. He thinks I'm horrible in bed and hideous to look at. She has a way better body than I do. I'm just a huge mistake to him. He fessed up to her that he slept with someone else but will never tell me.

 

I'm so upset and I don't know where to go from here. I called in sick to work today and have just been sitting around crying to the point of throwing up. I just want to take my kids and run. He even shared details of our kids. What if he tries to take them and make a family with her. Those are my babies. That woman even said he has been lying to me for 5 years.... About WHAT? What the **** else could there be. She implied that he has cheated on me with more than 5 women.

 

I feel absolutely disgusting and want to go scrub myself in bleach. He risked my health and my kids health if it has gone on that long. Our whole relationship is a lie. I'm just somewhere for him to go home to, clean up his **** and make meals for him.

 

I don't know what I'm supposed to do..... I don't even know what to say to him. He's going to walk in soon and I have nothing. No words.

 

I have an appointment with a family lawyer but not for a couple more days.

 

I can't deal with this.... Am I really THAT stupid? Apparently I am. I don't understand how some women can want to know every detail of what happened, just reading those messages was far too much. It's disgusting. I don't understand how he can have so little respect for me. I just want it to all go away and go back to living in denial.

Save

Edited February 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
anonymity ~T

[elaine567]

I am so very sorry.

((((Hugs))))

[beautifulinside2]

I am so sorry this happened to you. I'm sure it's gut wrenching, and hard to take in, but try your best to remain calm and methodical. Now, what you do next will be very important. You can either confront him which would not end well, because the only thing you stand to gain is more lies or pretend like you don't know and get all of your finances and legal items in order (kids child support, visitation agreement, assets,etc.), do not have sex with him EVER again and get yourself checked for std's. No point in calling the other women, they knew about you, but they just didn't care, then save enough money to move if you have to and leave him a note with the proof after you leave. He doesn't deserve a conversation and at this point you don't need any explanation you have it all in front of you.

By the way, you are an amazing person, mother, and hopefully some one else's soon to be wife. You are not disgusting, you just had a baby a year ago and he helped you make it so there is something he saw that was/is good there. You will find someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated but its not him.

Don't waste anymore of your time.

Edited January 10, 2017 by beautifulinside2

[ASG]

I would say you need to call your parents, if they live near you, and leave and take the kids.

 

Just to have some support. From there you can decide what your best course of action is going forward. But you can't carry on with him. there is no relationship to save, even if he was fibbing somewhat to the OW about how terrible he thinks you are. He has no respect for you and doesn't want to be with you exclusively.

 

The whole thing makes me think he's been having this affair with this OW for FIVE YEARS. He's not that committed to her either, cause he could have left ages ago, but he's certainly not committed to you.

 

Call someone. Leave. Now.

[elaine567]

OW: Is there someone else again?

BF: No. Just leave it alone.

OW: Just tell me if you are seeing someone else…

BF: I’m not seeing anyone else.

OW: Are you sleeping with someone?

BF: Does it really matter?

OW: Yeah, it does. I want you. I’m here waiting for you. Not to be the 3rd, 4th, 5th, woman in your life. I have been waiting for you without seeing anyone else.

OW: If I have to find out from someone else I’m done. Just tell me… I need to know.

OW: I want the whole package not bits and pieces. I deserve better than that. You know what is at stake.

BF: I slept with someone else a couple times. It was just sex, nothing more. Meant nothing.

OW: Who? When? Sex always means something…

BF: It doesn’t matter who and it doesn’t matter when. It’s over. It was just sex.

OW: It matters to ME.

OW: It wasn’t “just sex”. It was you bonding with someone else when you could have been doing it with me. You have limited time to get away and you chose to spend it with someone else. So who the **** was it and when was it?

BF: You don’t know her. It was a couple times over the last month. I didn’t plan it, it just happened. If I plan to get away, you know it’s always with you

OW: Obviously not. How am I supposed to trust that you are going to stop? This is the fourth time.

BF: I didn’t plan it. You are the only woman I want. I’m leaving A soon. You know that. You know I’m leaving her for you. I had to make sure I was making the right decision.

OW: Oh **** off. You don’t need to sleep with FOUR random drunks to know I am the one for you. You either know or you don’t. Sticking your dick inside someone else doesn’t help you decide. Did you even use protection?

BF: What I feel for you I don’t feel for anyone else. Not A, not other women. I love you. I want to marry you. I want my family with you. We are going to have a great life together. What I did was wrong, I know that.

BF: Of course I did. I’m not going to put you at risk like that. You know me better than that. I’d never do that.

OW: How am I suppose to trust you? I mean come on By, you’ve been lying to A for 5 years, if not longer. How many women have you cheated on HER with? I don’t care how horrible she is, you’re still hurting every woman you come into contact with.

BF: You trust me because I actually tell you the truth. I have never told A about anything, and she is too stupid to figure it out. You are a smart woman, you know that I’m being honest and that we’re going to be so happy together. We already are. I won’t ever hurt you again. You know that.

OW: If you ever do it again I’m done. You need to just be with me. Love me and only me.

BF: You are the only woman I love.

OW: Then just leave A. There is no reason for you to stay. You aren’t married, you have the upper hand. Your kids are going to be hurt regardless, better to get it over with than keeping hurting them. I’m sure they have realized something is different at home. Just leave. Tell her you are done and be done with it.

OW: You can have a fresh start.

BF: I’m almost ready to leave. You know that. There are things that have to be taken care of first. I want a clean break. It’s better for everyone.

OW: When are you going to leave her?

BF: Soon.

OW: No. WHEN are you going to leave her. Soon isn’t an answer.

BF: After the holidays. We’ll start the new year together.

OW: Promise?

BF: I promise.

 

Wow, he's a real charmer...

 

The sooner you get this lying cheating idiot out of your life the better.

It sounds like she is getting as bad a deal as you are.

She can have him.

 

The time for grieving is later.

Get your ducks in a row.

Make sure you and your children are safe and your assets protected. This has to be your priority now.

Save

Edited February 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator