Nearly 8 years, 2 children & no ring

[anna121]

OP I am so, so sorry.

 

Good for you for having the presence of mind to download the messages to your computer. Many would not be so smart! If you can, save them to a separate drive/the cloud.

 

I agree with ASG: go to your best source of support as soon as possible. Or, kick him out and ask a family member/friend to stay with you for a few days.

 

Do not be around him.

 

Use this place to vent/get support/brainstorm. A lot of us are pulling for you.

[SeenNotHeard]

My heart goes out to you. You persevered and found the answers you needed to find. You are much stronger than you even realize. Your BF's action are vile. He is cheating on you and "cheating" on his AP too if that is even possible!!

 

You will get through this and recover, but your life/future is clearly not with him and deep down you have known this for quite some time. Best to you and I hope you have the support network you need. We are here to listen.

[ShatteredLady]

Breathe. You are in shock. I know! I've also experienced the living nightmare of reading my cheating husband's messages. I couldn't stop crying & vomiting. Breathe. You WILL survive this. The only thing you need to do right now is get yourself & your children somewhere safe.

 

Who is the best support you have within driving distance? Somewhere that you & your precious babies can stay for a few days.

 

You are going to be ok. Keep saying that to yourself.

 

Your mind is racing at a million miles an hour. Just breathe. You DON'T have to decide ANYTHING right now. Do you hear me? You don't need to do anything except go to your closest, best supportive, loving person.

 

No amount of suspicion can prepare you for this. It's a perfectly natural reaction to go into shock. It's your bodies way of protecting you. The anger will eventually take over. That was a tremendous relief for me.

 

You have caught him red-handed. You have read complete & utter affair bollocks. Soon you will be ANGRY at the things said about you. They are NOT true! He has chosen you BUT way too late. YOU are now in power. LEAVE & let HIM loose HIS mind wondering, panicking.

 

YOU are now in control. You have ALL THE TIME in the world. YOU choose when & if you are ready to talk to him. HE is NOTHING! He is sick in the head! He is a serial adulterer. He is not worth your tears or your attention right now.

 

YOU now take care of YOU. YOU take care of your children & go!

 

YOU HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD!

 

Breathe. Pack bags & go!

[Springsummer]

This story breaks my heart and faith in human as well.

 

up to your last post, I still thought it's possible he actually is a good person. We shouldn't just assume the worst of him.

 

oh, turns out I am actually an optimistic or naive person...

 

OP, my heart goes out for you! Please take care, at least for your kids' sake. This person is not worth it.

[ShatteredLady]

You are a beautiful, intelligent, powerful woman. I know that's the opposite of how you feel in this moment. Believe me, you are infinitely better than you believe yourself to be.

 

You have read affair lies. He had to say those things to keep her giving him sex. If he told the truth...that he was going to stay with you...she would have cut him off! I know that those words are drowning your mind. If you were any of those things why didn't he leave you right back then?

 

He is a serial cheat. He cheated you. He cheated OW. He also cheated OW's. You have more strength & dignity than her. She KNEW he was having sex with others, she knew that he was with you AND she still degraded herself over & over.

It's not some bonus that he told her about all the OW! It's an ego trip to him!! He can treat her like scum & she will still beg for sex to keep him. He HAD to lie to you because he couldn't loose you & he knew he would if YOU knew. You are too classy, dignified & moral to sink that low.

 

You WILL eventually see all of this & so much more!

 

You will go on to live a fantastic life. He will exist in the knowledge that he lost the best he ever had for NOTHING!

 

It will take time to see things clearly. It's impossible to process all of this at the moment. You NEED time & space to breathe.

 

We will be here for you when you're ready to make the next steps. For now, I hope that you're packing your children & getting away from him.

 

It's pointless communicating with him now. He will just be scrambling to save him pathetic bum. You don't need to hear all of that c**p. You have ALL THE TIME YOU NEED!

 

It's ALL in your hands now! You have the power! Please see that.

 

I made the mistake of confronting my husband before I was ready. I know you probably want to scream in his face....you can & will!! WHEN YOU ARE READY!!

 

NOTHING IS UP TO HIM NOW.

 

TAKE YOUR TIME!

[Springsummer]

From the last few messages, it seems the bf does want to stay and marry OP for whatever reasons. the only question is if OP want to pretend not knowing and stay with him.

[Mumbles]

Wow, just wow...

 

You see, for me, its not even about the sex, its the dishonesty. My wife and I are in an open marriage, we have sex with other partners all the time - but we're honest about it.

 

I can't say anything thats going to make you feel better at this point, I am so sorry for you.

 

But, as much as you can, keep your wits about you. I'd strongly recommend getting a lawyer right now, this afternoon. Talk them through it and get some solid advice - this is going to be imperative and what you do and the order you do them in is likely to be critical. Don't do _anything_ without seeking advice first.

 

Call up all your reserves of inner strength. Recovery comes later.

 

Please come back to this thread, LS has helped me any many others even if it provides nothing more than a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on. Make use of us here, thats why responders respond at all.

[olivetree]

OP, I am so sorry you had to read that.

 

He is waaaaaay more disgusting than I thought.

A serial cheat.

 

His ex is just gross too.

Pretty pathetic that she has accepted such a low status for years.

 

I don't think that anyone could ever trust that guy.

 

And as mentioned above, he didn't tell you about his cheating because he thinks you wouldn't put up with it...

He tells OW because she accepts his crumbs.

 

I want you to know that the future will be much brighter for you if you leave this POS behind.

You will be open to meet someone wonderful who puts you first and wants to spend his life with you.

Don't accept anything less than the best.

 

Please keep us updated on what you do.

[sandylee1]

So he's been cheating on you for 5 years, with at least 5 other women. Because let's face it, why would he tell her the true number.

 

He wants to marry you now to throw you off the scent, even though he's promised next Christmas will be with her.

 

For all the horrible things he said about you, you know that's not love and it's definetly not respect. He's made you out to be disgusting, when that's what him and her are.

 

The tire wheel is a known hiding place for burner phones.

 

It's good you aren't married to him. You just need to get far away from him.

 

What an absolute bas**d he is. You deserve so much better than him. You really do. Go and spend time with your parents or other family for a while, as you figure out what to do.

 

I'd not reveal anything yet to him and let him wonder why.

 

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

[Sweetfish]

Make sure you send that to your Lawyer ASAP.. all the msgs. Make sure you contact your parents and have close friends. Its going to be real tough.

 

Do not communicate with the OW or his EX.

 

Only thing that matters is you and your kids.

[Dolfin80]

I am mortified at those messages. If a man sent me those disrespectful perverted disgusting text messages I would never speak to him again. He is a perverted sexual predator. I cannot comprehend that the OW would reply to such vile stuff. She must have no idea what love and respect is.

 

Now you know he is a vile sexual predator, I think you need to get your children away from him immediately. Do you have a safe house to go to? I fear he may get physically violent with you and the children if you confronted him with the evidence. Do you have parents to go stay with or friends. Please do not be alone with him, always have another person with you for protection. This is very important, the most dangerous time for a women is when she leaves her abuser.

 

I would not confront him at all, I would get the children and go to a safe house. Go back and collect your belongings with the police present or your parents to stop him from physically harming you. Do all correspondence with him through a lawyer.

 

Good luck, keep posting we are here for you.

[Leigh 87]

This man is absolutely disgusting.

[sandylee1]

How are you doing OP? I was thinking about you.

[aureliee]

My boyfriend is a douchebag.

 

I took my kids to a friends house, she is going out of town today for 3 weeks and I'm going to stay here until then. I've been looking at rentals so I can move out and be done with him.

 

I've seen a lawyer who was highly recommended. All of our assets are in my boyfriends name, but in the circumstances he most likely will not be keeping all of them. For child support he's looking at about $2400/month after all costs, though it will vary slightly on what the custody arrangement ends up looking like. Somehow (it's undetermined right now) the value of the assets will most likely be split. My lawyer said to let all communication go through him, not to call him at all.

 

I haven't talked to him in person. When he left for work I packed up my kids stuff, my stuff and left. He's called me 34 times and sent me probably 50 messages. I haven't told him that I know or that I found the phone. I have no idea what he thinks I know.

 

He sent me an email saying how sorry he was for acting different, that he was having a hard time a work, these BS scenarios at work, how hard life has been with 2 kids, all these things he's going to try and do to fix the relationship, that he wants to plan a wedding.

 

He won't even admit to the **** he's done. He's a coward.

 

I called the cell phone provider that we use and asked them when that phone was activated. It was activated in February 2016, but prior to that there was a different number associated with the account going back 5 years, a month after our first child was born.

 

Of all the texts and messages that he has left, none have been about the kids. Now asking how they are, when he can see them, nothing. Just asking where I am, if I'm coming back, what's wrong, to talk to him, etc. He doesn't care about anything other than himself.

 

So badly I want to confront him with this and here his "side" of it. I want to know what stupid excuses he'd come up with for it. But what's the point, he'd just lie about it anyway. All he does is lie, lie, lie.

 

Usually I'm upset and spend the whole day crying. Right now I'm just pissed off. Unbelievably pissed off that he would do this.

[elaine567]

He dated that ex when he was 15-16, they were each others "first". But it was so long ago... I had a boyfriend around the same age and I wouldn't think twice about him if we worked together. They had no contact until 6-7 years ago when she messaged him out of the blue apologizing for something that she did. After that they'd meet for coffee once every couple years and chat a few times a year on Facebook. He never hid their conversations from me, and would freely chat if I was standing right behind him reading it. It was basic what have you been up to type chat.

He never hides his phone from me, I use it if mine isn't nearby. I've gone through his phone, to be honest, and there was nothing. He never goes out suspiciously, he's always home from work on time, he doesn't work random extra days, he doesn't act guilty or sketchy.

 

Aside from my own insecurities, there is nothing... Right?

 

I called the cell phone provider that we use and asked them when that phone was activated. It was activated in February 2016, but prior to that there was a different number associated with the account going back 5 years, a month after our first child was born.

 

All that "transparency" with his phone and in his "innocent" communication with his ex, was obviously just a trick to keep you off the scent.

I am so sorry he put you through all this.

 

YOUR lawyer is correct, do not speak to him.

Your bf is obviously a devious and clever little chap, so it is best not to alert him prematurely as to what may lie ahead.

Best to keep him in the dark, just like he did to you.

In an emotional and heated discussion you may give the game away. You need to think clever and smart to protect your children's future here.

You are doing good though.

[aureliee]

All that "transparency" with his phone and in his "innocent" communication with his ex, was obviously just a trick to keep you off the scent.

I am so sorry he put you through all this.

 

YOUR lawyer is correct, do not speak to him.

Your bf is obviously a devious and clever little chap, so it is best not to alert him prematurely as to what may lie ahead.

Best to keep him in the dark, just like he did to you.

In an emotional and heated discussion you may give the game away. You need to think clever and smart to protect your children's future here.

You are doing good though.

 

All that transparency made me feel better about him communicating with her. I thought I was seeing all of their communication and there was nothing there. He messaged her with me standing right by him and acted like it was no big deal. She was in on it. Their conversations on facebook were not the same as what went on in the text messages.

 

I'd be happy if I never need to talk to him again. He can go F himself, or his ex. Unfortunately with kids at some point I'll have to.

[SoleMate]

Glad you're taking steps aurelie. Best of luck to you and your kids as you remake a life away from the stbxbf's lies and deception.

[sandylee1]

Great to hear your update on how you're doing. Great job moving out. He's a nasty horrible cheating man.

 

You will be so much better off without him. The best thing to come out of the relationship is your lovely children.

 

He's a waste of space and you should follow the lawyer's advice and not communicate with him.

 

I don't think I could look at him again if I was you, I he'd disgust me.

 

You can always arrange child visitation by a third party drop off to avoid seeing him.

 

Don't give him the privilege of seeing you on that kind of regular basis.

 

He doesn't deserve that and he'll only wear you down with lies, excuses, crocodile tears and fake remorse. You don't have to need to hear his nonsense.

[aureliee]

Yesterday my (I guess I call him an ex now) texted me and said he wanted to see the kids. I'm not going to try and keep them from him but I said no because the weather was terrible and there was no chance I was driving or letting my kids be driven in that weather (ATM I could care less what weather he drives in alone). There was freezing rain all day, my car was a giant ice cube and the roads were totally covered in ice. It was a giant ice rink and I couldn't even step out of my house without a death wish. He got pissed and claimed I was keeping the kids from him, that he'd fight for full custody and a bunch of other BS that meant nothing. I didn't put to much into it, not threat is going to let my kids go anywhere in freezing rain.

 

But... last night his ex-girlfriend that he's been seeing texted me and said "You can't keep (his) kids from him. He's the better parent here." I know it was her because I recognized the number. I shouldn't have responded but I did, it pissed me so much. She responded with saying she has been in MY kids lives since both of them were born and she would be a far better mother to them than I am. I stopped there because I know that no good will come from this situation. It's extremely hard not to text her back, but it won't do any good.

 

Not only was he cheating on me for 5 years, she also sent a text that said "You'd be a fool to believe I was the only one. One or two months into your relationship he slept with (a friend of his). You only have him because you trapped him with kids. Everyone knows you got pregnant on purpose." So our entire relationship was a lie. He let her have my phone number. She wants to take my kids. She is a psychopath who just wants someone to hurt. He is telling her crap that isn't true. My pregnancies were unplanned, birth control failed both times. He is telling her that I'm keeping the kids from him when really I just don't want them to die in a car accident. Now I do want to keep them from him and her.

 

My kids, mostly my 5 year old, are confused about what's happening. Everything has been turned upside down. I just want them both to go away and leave me and my kids alone. He didn't want kids in the first place, he has never done anything for them. Just leave us be. I have a feeling it's the ex-gf that is pushing him to see the kids.

[VeveCakes]

She has no right to your life, contacting you or your kids. You owe her nothing. Text her back and say any further communication will be seen as harassment and the police will be involved...then Block her number. Tell your bf that all communication will have to be direct to your laywer.

 

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

[niji]

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP, so scary that you can be with someone for 8 years and yet don't know a fraction of who they really are. Makes me quite pessimistic about the outlook on human beings as a whole.

 

As for the OW, it's quite clear in her ongoing texts to your ex that she had issues I suppose people have to drown themselves in such disgusting lies about others (the betrayed partner) to feel good, but I mean... calling the cheater a "better parent" and interfering in your relationship with your children is beyond psycho, while she doesn't even know you. Yuck. I agree that the best thing is to screen cap everything, and ignores all communication. Blocking her is optional; I think all her harrassment texts will only work against them in the long run, as long as you yourself stay silent.

 

Hope everything sorts out for you in the end. Have courage; we're all with you.

[EZNona]

DO NOT delete any texts or any correspondence you have with these two horrible people.

 

Make sure you inform your lawyer of the latest communications and threats brought against you. The OW is way out of line, but she may help build a case in your favor with this type of behavior. I wouldn't block her just yet. Just don't respond or engage with her any further, but save all of the communications that come your way. The OW is truly pathetic. She's so proud of the fact that her "man" is a cheating, lying SOB.

 

I'm really sorry this happened to you, but I'm not sorry that you found out before you married this sorry excuse for a man. You are 100% doing the right thing right now for you and your family.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just want them both to go away and leave me and my kids alone. He didn't want kids in the first place, he has never done anything for them. Just leave us be. I have a feeling it's the ex-gf that is pushing him to see the kids.

 

So sorry this happened, no one deserves this level of deception and disrespect.

 

But he is their father and will have to be provided some type of custody and visitation. I'd discuss with your lawyer how to best manage that situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

So sorry this happened, no one deserves this level of deception and disrespect.

 

But he is their father and will have to be provided some type of custody and visitation. I'd discuss with your lawyer how to best manage that situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

She wasn't trying to keep the kids from him, but after those messages from his little tramp, I'd really play hard ball.

 

I see that as a threat to take my children and he'd have to take it through the courts. I'd be in total protective mode for my kids.

 

The barefaced cheek, giving his mistress her number. Some women are really stupid. This bit on the side sees a serial cheat as catch of the century.

 

Not that you would OP, because why lower yourself, but it would be interesting if she saw his messages about planning the wedding. I bet he'd lie and say he was just tricking you and never planned to go through with it.

 

They are a match made in heaven.

[Mr. Lucky]

They are a match made in heaven.

 

All true. But sooner or later, she'll have to deal with formal custody. That's why I recommended she get with her attorney and strategize ways to use past and current events to her best advantage...

 

Mr. Lucky