Nearly 8 years, 2 children & no ring

[amaysngrace]

What about common law? In some states you'd be considered already married or is that not a thing anymore?

[aureliee]

Aureliee, your relationship is very much on the rocks. It would actually be a big mistake to marry him when there are so many problems. It sounds suspiciously like here's there only because you have kids and not because he wants to be.

 

I think you'd be far better off looking at disentangling yourself from him and moving on.

 

When we fought in the past, the first year of our sons life said we wouldn't be together if we didn't have a child (at that point we only had 1). He wanted me to abort both. He got a vasectomy even though I didn't want him to. But when I've asked him about it, he said he didn't mean it and was just mad. Things were really stressful at that time, so I try and blame it on that. It was said quite often when we'd fight, though. That he felt stuck, we wouldn't be together, etc.

 

I don't want to feel like I just gave up... I do agree that it's not a good idea to get married when we are in a rough patch. But if we could get through it...

 

What about common law? In some states you'd be considered already married or is that not a thing anymore?

 

We are classed as common-law but it doesn't really mean anything. If we were to break up each person leaves the relationship with what belongs to them (assets and debts), if there is a shared asset it is divided. All of our assets are in his name, because they were passed down from his family. A lot of my money has gone into them, especially the house. But without clear solid proof of what I spent, I'd get nothing back. I'd walk away with nothing but my own savings, most likely. Having the security of marriage would be nice...

[darkmoon]

only there for the kids?

 

that is just a horrible way to look at them, as if splitting up is some ideal, he might have looked at divorce penalties and quietly thought to be cautious, he might be losing the lead from his pencil with age, he is not 19 anymore, he may not want to do the house up

 

single with two kids is no pic-nic, not a great way to live, lonely i should imagine, unless you have baby-sitter money

[amaysngrace]

We are classed as common-law but it doesn't really mean anything. If we were to break up each person leaves the relationship with what belongs to them (assets and debts), if there is a shared asset it is divided. All of our assets are in his name, because they were passed down from his family. A lot of my money has gone into them, especially the house. But without clear solid proof of what I spent, I'd get nothing back. I'd walk away with nothing but my own savings, most likely. Having the security of marriage would be nice...

 

I don't really know what to tell you. So far it seems as though it's all working to his advantage so why would he change anything?

 

Maybe just let him know that you want to be married and how every holiday you get your hopes up that he will ask only to be disappointed when he doesn't.

 

If he cares at all he will hear you out but try to stick with "I" statements rather than "you" statements so that you don't put him on the defense.

 

Give that a try.

[elaine567]

 

He never hides his phone from me, I use it if mine isn't nearby. I've gone through his phone, to be honest, and there was nothing. He never goes out suspiciously, he's always home from work on time, he doesn't work random extra days, he doesn't act guilty or sketchy.

 

Aside from my own insecurities, there is nothing... Right?

As an ex "player" he will know all the tricks, I am sorry to say.

An extra phone which is called a burner phone is common. Also many who are in an affair at work, keep the cheating to within office hours to allay suspicion.

I am not saying he is cheating, but his disinterest in you, his rejection of sex and his distant behaviour since starting a new job all point that way. SAY NOTHING, do not alert him to your suspicions, he will only just deny it and then will just be more careful, instead keep your eyes and ears open

[BettyDraper]

What is it with our generation and their paranoia of marriage? I had to laugh the other day, a friend of mine posted on her facebook that it is her 15th "anniversary" today. She's not married. They have two kids. I just sort of shook my head.

 

 

Listen ladies, if I can be so blunt let me be honest with you. A man will marry you if he wants to. Plain and simple, he'll marry you as soon as he can. I married my wife a year and a half after meeting her. No regrets. I knew two weeks in she was the "one". This guy you are describing doesn't want to marry you. Our generation is messed up. We shack up, we buy a house, we have multiple kids and then we eventually get married. Maybe. I'd be pretty ticked off if my daughter was stuck with a guy she had two kids with but according to him not good enough to put a ring on. That would bother me.

 

 

This guy doesn't want to marry you. He's already made multiple excuses for it. The best indication of future behaviour is past behaviour.

 

This. I don't understand how so many Millennials can live as a married couple for umpteen years but many of us shy away from marriage. I hear some of us spout nonsense such as "Marriage is such a big commitment" when they already have children and own property with their long term partners! I could never have children with a man and live with him for years while still calling him "my boyfriend." We're not in junior high anymore.

 

OP, your boyfriend doesn't want to marry you and I think you're right when you say that he's probably having an affair with his ex. Why else would he talk about your relationship with her online? It's time to leave him and move on with your life if marriage is important to you.

[aureliee]

As an ex "player" he will know all the tricks, I am sorry to say.

An extra phone which is called a burner phone is common. Also many who are in an affair at work, keep the cheating to within office hours to allay suspicion.

I am not saying he is cheating, but his disinterest in you, his rejection of sex and his distant behaviour since starting a new job all point that way. SAY NOTHING, do not alert him to your suspicions, he will only just deny it and then will just be more careful, instead keep your eyes and ears open

 

If he's so good at hiding it how am I ever suppose to figure it out? I've never seen him with another phone. We keep a couple of our old ones in our cars because the kids like to play with them, but they don't even have batteries.

 

I don't even know how he'd have an affair at work, unless it was just emotional. He has an office, but all the walls are glass so you can't really hide anything.

 

I don't want to make excuses for him but also don't want to accuse him of something...

 

This. I don't understand how so many Millennials can live as a married couple for umpteen years but many of us shy away from marriage. I hear some of us spout nonsense such as "Marriage is such a big commitment" when they already have children and own property with their long term partners! I could never have children with a man and live with him for years while still calling him "my boyfriend." We're not in junior high anymore.

 

OP, your boyfriend doesn't want to marry you and I think you're right when you say that he's probably having an affair with his ex. Why else would he talk about your relationship with her online? It's time to leave him and move on with your life if marriage is important to you.

 

I hate referring to him as my boyfriend. There have been so many times I've said husband instead in cases where it doesn't matter. I feel like a kid every time I have to say it, it makes me cringe a little bit almost. His previous boss assumed we were married, and my boyfriend never corrected him.

 

Him cheating with his ex makes me feel horrible. I don't know why, but I'd rather it be anyone else. When they first started talking and I was insecure about it he let me read all of their conversations. She wanted to meet for coffee and he didn't (right away) because I wasn't comfortable with it. He convinced me that it was fine, and at that time she had a long term boyfriend (2-3 years).

 

I've read through their facebook conversations (without his permission, which I don't like to do but...) and there was nothing. Just general, sporadic chat. What they were up to, random things. There was no full conversations, just random things here and there. Maybe things were deleted, I suppose. When they started working together, some stuff about work here and there. She got him that job, though... He was already employed with that company, but this is a better position.

 

I don't know what to think.

 

Marriage is important to me, but leaving him doesn't exactly get me any closer to it. It feels like I'm going in the wrong direction.

Edited December 31, 2016 by aureliee

[basil67]

Oh sweetie, if marriage is important to you then you're with the wrong guy. Leaving him won't get you closer to marriage. But nor will staying.

 

Off topic, but I find the word 'partner' is more than adequate to describe my other half. I don't think I've used the word 'boyfriend' for 30 years haha.

[Whodatdog]

I hear over and over that marriage is just a piece of paper, and that people dont need a marriage to have a committed life. Thats all well and good, but when there are children involved, its more than just a piece of paper. Its insurance that, should something happen to him, that his kids will have social security to help them pay bills. It insures that the wife will have a retirement, a Social Security check when she gets of age. If people dont get married, then the man needs to make sure he has adequate life insurance should something happen to him, the kids are taken care.

 

Its a matter of a man wanting to take care of his wife and kids, and insure they will be fine if he's not there. Has he done this for you?

 

If not, you need a career. You need a way to make your own money. If not, this can end very badly for you years from now, when its too late for you. Take control of your life now. He doesnt want to marry you. You are in a very vulnerable position, and he may well meet someone that he will want to marry. When he does, there will be nothing you can do to stop him.

[basil67]

I hear over and over that marriage is just a piece of paper, and that people dont need a marriage to have a committed life. Thats all well and good, but when there are children involved, its more than just a piece of paper. Its insurance that, should something happen to him, that his kids will have social security to help them pay bills. It insures that the wife will have a retirement, a Social Security check when she gets of age. If people dont get married, then the man needs to make sure he has adequate life insurance should something happen to him, the kids are taken care.

 

Its a matter of a man wanting to take care of his wife and kids, and insure they will be fine if he's not there. Has he done this for you?

 

If not, you need a career. You need a way to make your own money. If not, this can end very badly for you years from now, when its too late for you. Take control of your life now. He doesnt want to marry you. You are in a very vulnerable position, and he may well meet someone that he will want to marry. When he does, there will be nothing you can do to stop him.

 

 

Assuming that the courts where you live won't treat you as a married couple, this is crucially important.

[SoleMate]

Please see a family lawyer asap and start making plans for a future without this man.

[PinkElephants]

Men get married for all sorts of reasons, finances, procreation, security, companionship but, ideally, they're doing it because they're head over heels and want to lock her down before another guy does. With a home and 2 kids you're already as locked down as possible. He has no reason to propose because there's nothing left to gain; he's got you.

 

I guess I have to sit him down and really talk to him,

You've done this. The more you say something the less value it has. You say "I want to get married" then you stay. "I want to get married" and stay. "I want to get married" and stay. The first couple times you said it he might have felt jolted into action but now knows that you'll stay no matter what you say. Your words have so little value to him he completely ignores you when you try to talk about it. It's time for action.

 

Your kids probably feel loved enough that they know they can run around, get dirty, make mistakes, there's nothing they can do that will cause you to stop loving them. It's the same with your bf. I'm willing to bet this guy feels 100% secure you're not going anywhere so he can ignore you, reject you, possibly sneak around with his ex, and you'll still be there willing to love him.

 

It's time to shake up his security. I'd state one time that I want to be engaged by X and married by Y or tell him like you have been and set a date in your head. If he hasn't made a move by then you leave. The risk you run is that he might let you walk away.

 

You have 2 choices: keep staying while he refuses to marry you or risk your family to get what you want.

[Mr. Lucky]

With a home and 2 kids you're already as locked down as possible. He has no reason to propose because there's nothing left to gain; he's got you.

 

In all fairness, he didn't kidnap and drug the OP, she's been a voluntary participant every step of the way.

 

aureliee, you're as responsible as he is for your unhappiness. Hopefully, in accepting that, you also feel empowered to fix it. One way or the other, going to be up to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aureliee]

It seems stupid, to leave my relationship and break up my family just because I didn't get my way. If we're happy, and our kids are happy, shouldn't that be more important than being married? I can't throw an adult tantrum just because I'm not getting my way... Right now we're having problems but we were fine before and if we can work through it... If we could be happy again, I can't hurt my kids.

 

Honestly, not being married makes me feel horrible and it breaks my heart every time I think about it. But so would breaking up my family...

 

I'd get screwed when it comes to assets, but financially I'd be okay. I have a career, I make slightly more than my boyfriend does. At least I wouldn't be totally screwed if he left, or I left. A lawyer might be a good idea so I'm prepared either way.

 

I'm scared that I'll say "I want to be married by X date or I'm leaving" and he'll let me go. That will hurt more than him not wanting to marry me. I'd rather deal with being unmarried but keep my family together. He might not be the same, maybe he'd rather lose his family than marry me.

 

He either doesn't think anyone else would ever want me, or he doesn't care. If a man flirts with me a little bit and he's around, he seems to care less. A couple times he has said something along the lines of men don't want single mothers. Which obviously yeah not all do. He has said that he'd never date someone with kids (even though he has them).

 

Sometimes he will say things that make me question him. Like on Christmas he asked what divorced/separated couples do for custody on the holidays. He said the same on the kids birthdays. Along with other things about separated couples that he really shouldn't be thinking about.

 

When I've been totally serious about things, like needing more help with chores, wanting more time together, wanting more romance, I say it and he just doesn't care. Sometimes he'll change for a day or two, then goes back to being distant. This wasn't always an issue, he use to be very involved. I feel like he takes me for granted.

 

I don't blame him for this. I've obviously done things wrong or I wouldn't be here. But if he is cheating, I don't know how we come back from that. Though I doubt I'd ever figure out whether he was or not, it's not like he'd just admit it.

[amaysngrace]

Does it really matter if you give him an ultimatum and he lets you go or would you rather just pretend you have a man who cares about you properly?

 

What a horrible thing for him to say on holidays and your children's birthdays. He sounds like a major jerk who gets off on bringing you down or something.

[basil67]

It seems stupid, to leave my relationship and break up my family just because I didn't get my way. If we're happy, and our kids are happy, shouldn't that be more important than being married? <snip> When I've been totally serious about things, like needing more help with chores, wanting more time together, wanting more romance, I say it and he just doesn't care. Sometimes he'll change for a day or two, then goes back to being distant. This wasn't always an issue, he use to be very involved. I feel like he takes me for granted.

 

But the problem is that you're really NOT happy. And I've said it before..and I'll say it again...it would be foolish to marry him given the state of your relationship.

 

Let's try this from another angle: What does he do to let you know that he values you?

Edited January 1, 2017 by basil67

[dpass]

I honestly would be a lot more concerned about him having an affair. The rest really doesn't matter until you figure out WHY he is acting distant.

 

Let's look at the facts...

 

You felt like he was only with you because he didn't have other women throwing themselves at him. Trust your gut. Then he gets a new, non-stressful job and almost immediately he becomes distant for no apparent reason. On top of that he wants nothing to do with you, your family and you have intimacy problems. (For the record, even if I'm sleeping with a very unattractive woman I can still finish, as can many men I know). This new work place has many women readily available, including his ex who also happens to be his first girlfriend and sexual partner.

 

You may not have caught him, but that doesn't mean he isn't cheating. Of course there may be nothing going on, but given the information that seems unlikely. Affairs can go on for years before they are caught. I'd be doing some investigating.

 

Look, I'm the same age as your boyfriend. There is no way in hell that he needs 8 years to figure out if he wants to marry you or not. I have been with my girlfriend for 1 year, we have no kids together (though she has 1 of her own) and we don't live together. I have a pretty good idea of our future.

 

My guess, he doesn't want to marry you because he wants an easy out for when he finds the right woman for him. Until he finds her your 'good enough', when he does find her I bet he'll drop you like a hot potato.

[spanz1]

if you are at the gym 5 days a week and not losing weight, you are NOT using the gym right. Your exercise intensity must be low. Try a session or two with a professional trainer, and notic how hard they push you....way beyond what you NORMALLY would have done on your own. That is they key.

 

ALSO a professional trainer mixes up the exercises, with new ones every week. Human nature is to find the exercises you already do well, and keep doing them over and over. You need to be doing the exercistes you do very poorly...those are the ones that are uncovering your muscle weaknesses.

 

And check out some of the new FOAM ROLLER exercise videos. The foam roller is used to bust up cellulite, and smooth out your body, in a way that previously they did not know how to do. It may improve the stretch markes, or at least elimnate any cellulite around them to make the total package smoother.

 

And do not forget sexy lingerie! a little lingerie can hide some things and accentuate what you want.

 

And more important than all of that...be sexually confident. it sounds like ou are down in the dumps about all this. TRY to be positive...

[dreamingoftigers]

What is it with our generation and their paranoia of marriage? I had to laugh the other day, a friend of mine posted on her facebook that it is her 15th "anniversary" today. She's not married. They have two kids. I just sort of shook my head.

 

 

Listen ladies, if I can be so blunt let me be honest with you. A man will marry you if he wants to. Plain and simple, he'll marry you as soon as he can. I married my wife a year and a half after meeting her. No regrets. I knew two weeks in she was the "one". This guy you are describing doesn't want to marry you. Our generation is messed up. We shack up, we buy a house, we have multiple kids and then we eventually get married. Maybe. I'd be pretty ticked off if my daughter was stuck with a guy she had two kids with but according to him not good enough to put a ring on. That would bother me.

 

 

This guy doesn't want to marry you. He's already made multiple excuses for it. The best indication of future behaviour is past behaviour.

 

Statistically the further away from the 18 month mark the proposal gets, the less likely the guy is EVER going to marry you.

 

Granted I got married "too fast" but he was 26, me 22 and he proposed within 3 months! Married at one year and one day to the day we met.

 

It's unfortunate, but often when one puts the cart before the horse, one doesn't tend to go back and try to put things "right."

 

And yes, this generation seems to have it's commitments backwards.

 

Having a child with someone very often ties them to you FOR LIFE, but many people are more scared of the marriage pledge.

 

The marriage pledge is what prepares you to be a family together, see the depths of commitment etc.

 

If a guy isn't willing to show real commitment, public declaration of such and forsaking all others.... then having a child with him doesn't really secure that commitment.

 

Plenty of people view relationship as "people I meet for a time and then after a few years, or things get 'stale' we move on." Other men view relationships as "I have a wife/family over here, then I have 'fun' over there," Not generally the best outlook to have when bringing children into the world because kids require a lot of stability.

 

Previous generations really looked down upon "living together with the kids" and even called it "playing house" because it was pretty well known that while marriage wasn't a GUARANTEE that the odds were better than the whole "you knew what this was blah blah."

 

I seriously doubt this man will propose on his own.

 

I think you would actually have to very clearly let him know that this is really hurting you. And then it's up to him to decide how much he cares.

 

And really, it's time to talk about the sex and attraction thing too.

[anna121]

It's your decision to push for marriage - though I think to act (or not act) out of fear is cheating yourself.

 

But you are being incredibly foolish to allow yourself to be potentially "screwed" out of assets to which you have contributed and which should not simply go with him in the event of a breakup.

 

Your income potential doesn't matter if you are on your own without sufficient resources. You need to think long-term, ie., 30 years out.

 

I cannot imagine putting one's financial security at risk that way. You need to insist on a more equitable division of assets. At the very least, what is for all intents and purposes, the marital home.

[Sweetfish]

I think people are so tied up in the fog of marriage in this post and haven't realize that this document doesnt not resolve the real problem. The real issue is the boyfriends withdrawl or lack of interest in the family as a whole. I think you need to resolve that issue first before getting into a legal document with this man.

[elaine567]

The real issue is the boyfriends withdrawal or lack of interest in the family as a whole. I think you need to resolve that issue first before getting into a legal document with this man.

 

Exactly. He sounds like he has checked out here, and no amount of wedding cake will solve that issue.

[basil67]

I think people are so tied up in the fog of marriage in this post and haven't realize that this document doesnt not resolve the real problem. The real issue is the boyfriends withdrawl or lack of interest in the family as a whole. I think you need to resolve that issue first before getting into a legal document with this man.

 

Nailed it. The OP is focusing on the wrong thing.

[aureliee]

I feel like I can't justify leaving the relationship. It makes me feel selfish. I feel like I need to slap on a happy face and pretend I'm happy. I know it would be stupid to marry him right now, so I don't know why I want it so bad. I want our relationship to go back to how it was, before he went distant, then get married - and be happy. He won't talk to me though or work with me on figuring out why he's distant and closed off.

 

I tried talking to him today about why he's been acting differently and he basically shrugged it off. He wouldn't talk to me. Literally walked away while I was talking to him and even when I followed him he wouldn't talk to me. He said he's acting normal and I'm over analyzing and being stupid.

 

When I've tried to talk to him about our sex life he either says work is stressful (which it's not) or he got use to not having sex because I was on bed rest for 4 months after our daughter was born, and his libido dropped because of it. That's just not true, though... After our son was born we couldn't have sex for 6 months because I tore horribly and it took months to heal properly. As soon as we could have sex he was all over it. The sex issues started when I was mid-way through my pregnancy with our daughter. We went from having sex daily to a couple times a week and he always wanted to use the same position (doggy) which coincidentally hid my huge and stretch mark covered belly, and my face. Which made me feel like he didn't want to see my body or my face so he could picture someone else. After she was born, and my bed rest was up, and we were given the go-ahead to have sex, we did it twice and after that he never really wanted to. Even if I beg him or throw myself at him he doesn't want to have sex, if we do he can't finish usually. The only way I can get him to finish is if I give him oral, and he keeps his eyes closed the entire time (he didn't do that before). With oral, he's been asking me to do a couple different things that he never brought up before. Which could be nothing, or he could have learned it from someone else... When he won't look at me at all during oral it makes me think that he's thinking of someone else.

 

Because I don't have solid proof, I feel like I only think he's cheating because I'm insecure. I've gone through his things and found nothing. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to ask him about it, because I don't want him to hide things more or in case he really isn't cheating.

 

If he won't talk to me and I can't know for sure if he's cheating, how am I suppose to fix it? If he'd work with me, I'd try. We got through a rough patch that we had before, but he was willing to work with me. This time he won't even talk to me about it or admit that anything is wrong.

 

I don't want him to think of me as "Meh, she'll do". I want him to be head over heals for me and never want to lose me. He's never showed signs that he cares either way. He's never fought for our relationship, or had a speck of jealousy.

 

Let's try this from another angle: What does he do to let you know that he values you?

 

Honestly, I can't think of anything.

 

if you are at the gym 5 days a week and not losing weight, you are NOT using the gym right. Your exercise intensity must be low. Try a session or two with a professional trainer, and notic how hard they push you....way beyond what you NORMALLY would have done on your own. That is they key.

 

I don't know why the last 20lbs won't budge. I eat properly (portions and foods), I don't have cheat days, I go to the gym 5x a week and see a trainer usually 3 times a week. I walk and jog daily. The first 50lb I lost quickly, even being on bed rest. My daughter was only 5lb so barely any of it was her. I've been to the doctor to make sure there isn't a medical reason. They blamed it on breastfeeding, though that didn't happen with my pregnancy with my son. With my son I gained 25lb, then in the last 3 weeks gained 40lb of water retention. So 65lb. Lost every pound by 2 weeks postpartum.

 

I'll look into the foam roller exercises that you mentioned. I've thought about getting lingerie that hides certain things and accentuates others, but to be honest at thing point I'm not confident enough to bother. I've put myself out there for him so many times and I'm always pushed away.

 

 

I've always wondered if things would have played out differently if we didn't have kids. I'd like to think that we would have got married then went on to have kids, but realistically he probably would have ended the relationship long ago.

[anna121]

Look. I can understand why you hesitate to throw a bomb into your life. You have kids who depend on you.

 

But what you describe barely sounds like a friendship, let alone a common law partnership. It is incredibly disrespectful of him to refuse to engage with you. I'm curious - do you ever have fun together? Do you have interesting conversations, or share inside jokes? Do you have common plans and dreams?

 

It is not selfish to want to be loved, and to not be miserable. The kind of white-hot love you desire does not tend to stick around, especially through a hectic family situation, but it is very possible to maintain a romantic connection to your spouse even years out. Affection, laughter, kisses, smiles, and at least semi-regular sex that is caring and intimate IS possible.

 

I think what you are doing to yourself is incredibly sad. I hope you have the courage to demand better.