Is porn or looking at photos of nude people cheating?

[merrmeade]

I´d like to know what other people think about porn and/or looking at nude photos of beautiful sexy people. Is it infidelity?

 

Yes, I walked in on my husband looking at a gorgeous half-dressed woman stretching beautifully but lasciviously - in the air apparently. There's no second person or target for her fire. Just kind of animal writhing. It´s not the first time.

 

So I don´t want to get into our conversation just yet. I´d like to know what people think about porn - 'soft' porn? Is it harmless or is it cheating? Why? Do most men do it? Should a woman try not to take it personally?

 

I did a search for ¨Why men like porn naked women.¨After the first page of forum discussions, I found articles in Psychology Today, WebMD, livescience and CNN. WebMD says it´s normal, not a rejection of the partner. CNN cited a study that shows men are objectifying women when they look at porn. Psychology Today annoyingly explained all the perspectives without taking a position. Livescience quoted a study that showed that women are unhappy when their partners are watching porn.

 

What do married people think?

[mikeylo]

Not all men do it.

 

I've been married to my wife for half my life. Maybe something is wrong with me that I actually get repulsed when I see women like that ? My mom was a decent conservative , sweet loving woman. My wife is similar and so are my sisters. Maybe it's the way I was brought up or the environment in our home ? My dad was a decent guy was well.

 

We all had better things to do than ogle women. Better hobbies and better coping skills for stress relief ? Better upbringing?

 

Such behavior is hurtful and demeaning to your partner. It's disgusting. If I was doing it , I don't know how I would look my wife straight in the eye. Not saying that my eyes are closed to any woman passing by. But what I don't forget is that my wife's eyes are also open. If that makes sense.

 

One of guy friends was like this while married. The moment he knew his wife was pregnant with baby girl , his views changed overnight.

Edited December 31, 2016 by mikeylo

[basil67]

Not all men use porn. And not all women dislike porn. Porn use is something which needs to be discussed and agreed to within the relationship.

[Cymbeline]

You can have you own feelings and rules but I think it's entirely normal and harmless, except when it diminishes closeness in the marriage.

[elaine567]

As Mermeade's husband is a cheater, then his "porn" use is just another nail in the coffin of their marriage IMO.

How can she begin to rebuild trust in him when he is still ogling other women? How can she rebuild closeness and intimacy when his mind is still elsewhere?

 

We can all say it is "normal", but Mermeade is going to be hurt here.

She needed a sign that their marriage is important to him. Spending his time masturbating to naked ladies (I guess he is not just looking) is NOT the sign she is looking for.

That is the bottom line here.

[Whoknew30]

I don't think porn is a big deal at all...it's supposed to be just fantasy. Unless it turns into an addiction, to that's all the person is doing, I personally could care a less & in my younger days would be the one that put it on for my H & I.

[MJJean]

I don't think video or photographic porn viewing is infidelity. I've never understood getting upset when a spouse views porn and/or masturbates as long as the marital sex life is healthy. My general response to walking in on DH viewing porn is "Ooh, find anything good?"

[Superchicken]

Simple answer is NO.

As a young male (Like around early teens), we freaked out over naked images of women. We all ganged around the old National Geographic pages looking for the odd "Tit". Its a natural instinctive thing.

Its just a progression of this instinct, but in a more advanced state.

It serves NOTHING, but a form of release, and, with NO HARM to anyone.

There is NO mental or physical attachment to these women, just an attractive dream for a few minutes.

 

 

If he showed affection for his "Car" (I've seen guys that do), more than you, would you feel the same ?.

No, you'd be P***ed off, and on his back to spend more time with you, but you wouldn't say he's cheating..

What about us men saying that using vibrators, or other sex toys, is another form of cheating. Because not all women will be thinking about their guys while using them, but more of the Brad Pitts, etc..

 

 

Ted.

[oldshirt]

People's eyes will always be drawn to things of beauty whether they are great works of art on display in The Louvre or a beautiful women.

 

Everyone looks. Everyone appreciates. It's normal. it's healthy. It can not and should not be stopped.

 

In the matter of sexually explicit porn however, it is a matter of context and what is taking place in the bigger picture.

 

If everything is great and you have a very healthy and satisfying relationship and a satisfying love life and you find out that your partner sneaked a peak at some porn while you were out of town or were sick or something - no harm no foul. Please pass the ketchup.

 

On the other hand, if your relationship is deteriorating by the day and your partner hasn't given you the time of day and has no interest in making love to you and is nothing but a sack of potatos in bed and you find out he/she is spanking to porn all the time and not leaving anything left over for you, then IMHO it is just as serious, just as damaging and should be delt with the same as if he/she were having an affair.

 

It comes down to is it costing you anything.

 

If their porn use is having a detriment to you, then it is a problem.

 

If their viewing habits have virtually no impact on you in any way, then how can it be a problem.

[dichotomy]

Unless a guy doesn't masturbate -and most men do. What's in their minds when they are? Nothing but thier GF or their Wife? Nothing at all ? Probably not.

 

Mental pictures, real pictures, real videos, its all fantasy. I can tell you my mental pictures or mental videos are at a level not found on a computer or magazine.

 

But I suppose there are some (men and women) who are pure of heart and mind and only think of their partner when thinking or feeling sexually. God Bless them.

Edited December 31, 2016 by dichotomy

[central]

I think it's pretty normal, and most men will watch some porn at least occasionally. Each couple needs to agree what constitutes cheating. By negotiating. You may have a stricter standard, but that does not mean you get to impose it on him, because without his agreement he won't respect it. You can issue ultimatums, but he may challenge them - and you'd have to back off or enforce consequences that may not be what you really want. If you both agree, then consequences for violations are expected and fair.

[Just a Guy]

As Oldshirt said, everything revolves around context. If viewing porn does not result in damage to the relationship in any way then it is harmless fantasizing. But, as in OP's case where her husband was guilty of infidelity, it takes on an entirely new and ominous meaning. My opinion for what it's worth. Warm wishes.

[Scarlett94]

Yes it is cheating. Forsaking all others in your vows doesn't have an asterisk saying.... Well you can look at other naked women.

[carhill]

If one's partner views such activities as inappropriate and unhealthy for the relationship or marriage and one continues or pursues such activities through guile and deceit, then it's deception; 'cheating' depends on people's personal description. One can 'cheat' on a test and 'cheat' on a spouse and, obviously, those are different activities. Each party defines them uniquely. Does viewing porn equal having sex with other people? IDK. Up to the spouse or partner.

[darkmoon]

only if you are insecure will it hurt you, been ok and not ok depends on my partner, and what i know of his opinion of me

[carhill]

As example of the reverse, my exW would sometimes use content and graphics in romance novels as 'fluffer' in our M; essentially incorporating fantasy about content not related to our partnership as part of sex. I didn't mind so it didn't matter. Had I minded it would have been something to deal with as partners, since all associations are voluntary, even marriages.

 

Back when I was an OM, it was a common refrain to hear from MW's that since we didn't have PIV sex, well, there was no affair. The ILY's, kissing and other contact didn't matter to them. PIV sex, for them, described infidelity. However, at least in a couple cases that I pursued personally, their spouse felt quite differently! Those experiences were the impetus to developing the relationship-specific parameters for defining infidelity. For some people, looking at nude pictures of others is infidelity. Others not. Some, yup, narrow it down to PIV sex and all the other stuff is fluff. It depends.

[merrmeade]

Actually I am more upset at the stealth and deceit. And I am more disappinted than hurt. But only so much because frankly I think my expectations for him are not very high, which is a sad thing to say. I asked others to get a consensus and see if there's something I'm missing.

 

Relationship's been good, sex life included though I broke my pelvis two months ago and it was limited to zero for a while. Doctor put no limits so back at it now.

 

I think I feel more embarrassed for him and disappointed than anything. I stayed up most of the night and feel kind of angry and that I'm at least owed some empathy.

[carhill]

That's a good point of communication, regarding boundaries of stealth and deceit. Are the partners allowed secrets which could otherwise be damaging to the relationship? Pulling from personal experience, is a wife allowed to be a closet alcoholic? The husband a secret gambler? Etc, etc. Or does the defining parameter of deceit relate strictly to matters surrounding sex and sexual intimacies? Like porn, web cams, chat, flirtation with actual persons, etc, etc. Great topics for open communication on boundaries. Of course, the boundaries are only as sturdy as the partners enforcing them and respecting them.

[merrmeade]

That's a good point of communication, regarding boundaries of stealth and deceit. Are the partners allowed secrets which could otherwise be damaging to the relationship? Pulling from personal experience, is a wife allowed to be a closet alcoholic? The husband a secret gambler? Etc, etc. Or does the defining parameter of deceit relate strictly to matters surrounding sex and sexual intimacies? Like porn, web cams, chat, flirtation with actual persons, etc, etc. Great topics for open communication on boundaries. Of course, the boundaries are only as sturdy as the partners enforcing them and respecting them.

Exceptionally well conceived and articulated. Agree these are the basics. Thank you.

[BetrayedH]

Curious...what was your understanding/agreement before the infidelity?

[Mr. Lucky]

Porn use is something which needs to be discussed and agreed to within the relationship.

 

To me this is the key. What some spouses - mostly men - fail to understand is they can't unilaterally declare porn harmless if their partner feels harmed.

 

Like almost every other issue affecting them as a couple, should be a joint decision with mutual consent...

 

Mr. Lucky

[wmacbride]

It depends on the couple.

If both spouses are okay with it, and they openly discuss this and come to and understanding of what they feel is and is not acceptable, then I don't see the harm.

 

It becomes harmful when someone lies to watch it or if it becomes an addiction or substitute for an actual living, breathing partner.

 

Juts my own opinion, I don;t get what the appeal is anyway. If I wanted to look at plastic and silicone, I'd go to the caulking section of the Canadian Tire store.

[merrmeade]

Curious...what was your understanding/agreement before the infidelity?

[i've been waiting for your comment with a bit of dread, BH.]

 

There are several answers to this question. There’s my answer before d-day and the other, after. There’s his answer while he was cheating and his answer after the sh-t hit the fan (which is really the only answer).

 

We'd never discussed boundaries before d-day. I did express my concern a couple of times over the years that so many women seemed attracted to him and he would brush these comments off. I simply assumed and trusted that we both believed and practiced the same thing and left it. I couldn't and didn't imagine it and so the conversation didn't happen.

 

When I got suspicious of OW, my sister-in-law, there were two d-days—hers first. She confirmed my challenge that she was in love with him by not answering. For a long time - maybe even now - she tried to maintain that they were "just friends" (with a couple of accidents). His response every time was a firm "no": She knew it was over the line. Details and truth trickled out, but what was clear was that he absolutely knew he was cheating.

 

As far as what we've we talked about since deciding to R, we kind of let it slide again. And therein lies the problem. I am 90% sure that his position is that he will never do it again (he believes) and should be trusted. Mine is that he doesn't know himself as well as he thinks. He never did that work. How do I know? Because part of the work is telling the partner. He never 'needed' to do that.

[BetrayedH]

Don't give me too much credit, MM. My opinion is only one of many. And I'm a guy.

 

So, my question was really specifically about your position on porn before Dday.

 

In my relationships (all of them), none of the women have cared about porn. So for me personally, no, I've never put porn into a cheating category.

 

But I can understand it being cheating IF a couple marries with both parties knowing that the wife was totally not cool with porn and the guy hides it anyway.

 

I would guess that most couples discuss this prior to marriage, albeit most of them probably not formally. There's probably some understanding of what the wife is cool with and what she isn't.

 

So, I guess my point is that if it's been clear that you're not cool with porn and it's always been that way (and your husband agreed), then he'd be cheating the agreement if he's just doing it anyway.

 

What I'd guess might be the case is that you didn't much care before (I think many couples probably just have a sort of "don't ask, don't tell" policy), but you're now particularly sensitive to him oogling women in any way shape or form. If that's the case, I really can't say if that's fair or not. I don't think I'd consider it cheating unless you really had an expressed understanding on the topic. But it might be a reasonable request (demand?) for you to make as a betrayed spouse. There's a lot of enforcement of new boundaries after an affair, right? The affair brings in a new dynamic.

 

So, I'm still curious what you opinion was about porn prior to Dday and if you had an understanding prior to Dday and if that opinion or understanding has changed since. I think once we know that, we can speak more intelligently about what's really appropriate for you as a couple going forward.

[BettyDraper]

My husband claims that he doesn't need to masturbate or watch porn because of our sex life. I don't believe him because I feel like the vast majority of men watch porn and touch themselves. My husband knows I wouldn't care if he masturbated so maybe he is being honest after all.

 

I don't feel threatened by the idea of my husband watching some naked woman on a computer screen. It's not as if he can run off with that woman or have an affair with her. If my husband began to choose porn over making love to me, then that would be a serious problem that we would have to deal with together.

 

It's all about moderation.