Is porn or looking at photos of nude people cheating?

[understand50]

[sorry for the confusing posts - copy/paste error - I requested an edit but maybe people can sort out ... ] Oh nevermind. Fixed. THANK YOU!

 

Oh yeah, like I am the poster boy for clear concise English.....

[Deeplyhurt30]

- Is masturbating alone cheating ?

I do not think so , because I think at some point all men have done it.

 

- What about sexual thoughts "in your head" during masturbating - or even not masturbating - Is that cheating?

This is where the question of "crossing a line" begins to arise when it involves another woman.I dont think you should be thinking about another person when the person you care about is right infront of you.

 

- What about if you *remember (fondly) having sex with an ex or their naked body - is that cheating?

to me, yes, this is very wrong. I am sure if you ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed, he would not like you doing this. if someone is still thinking about another person from the past, why are they even worth your time anyway. i dont know about others, but I dont like feeling like "second best".

 

 

- Is a woman using a vibrator or other kind of toy to masturbate *- cheating ? I think this depends on the openness between the couple. Is it hidden (does he know you have one at all) discuss each others feelings about it together.

 

 

- If the above actions are hidden does that make it cheating or wrong ?

I think all of the above being hidden is what makes it wrongful, and yes feels like cheating. There is also an extent to how much a person is relying on things other than their partner for "sexual relief". When it causes problems in the bedroom between both of you, there is a major issue. Why would someone want to do things that would make it harder on your partner?

[BetrayedH]

Your outrage for me helps. It's the father, brother, friend I needed. It reminds me I'm more than this.

 

So, no, H has not shown me the empathy I needed. Of course, he hasn’t. He is incapable because he is and always will be a narcissist. He is very good at acting the part of good, decent and self-sacrificing (or whatever he thinks is another’s ideal) as a way of garnering attention and admiration, but his capacity for true empathy is limited to nil. I’d just temporarily forgotten this small fact.

 

Therefore, when I asked him – before he took his Cialis for our pre-arranged New Year’s Eve tryst – if we could first discuss the events of the night before, he took it as a major blow to the ego, a rejection. In fact, nothing is more tied up with his fragile ego than sex. I knew this and should’ve had “the talk” earlier and kept the two issues separated. But I didn’t. I forgot.

 

The result was that my issue disappeared and the weekend became about his feelings of rejection (a word incidentally he would never use). I could not explain that, in fact, I'd decided I was okay with the nudie pics though not the stealth and deceit which I'd hoped we could discuss. Nope. Passive-aggressive all the way.

 

Nevermind that I fractured my pelvis Nov 1st and still cannot walk more than a block without pain, yet asked the OT and PA if and how we could have sex safely—which we have. Nope, all he knew was that his very manhood was on the line at that moment.

 

Next morning was what I now think of as the trash attack. He’d been in the pouty passive-aggressive mode since the night before, his extremely fragile sexual ego wounded. He essentially acted as if the injury was his alone and challenged my lack of initiation (of sex) as the problem, implying that's why he 'had' to look at porn, adding that perhaps he should just go get a prostitute. He even blamed my son for putting porn on his computer and introducing him to it. His child. I know. Shockingly immature. Incredible. Disturbing. And generally totally ficked up.

 

I was crushed. Speechless. I asked if he remembered what I'd needed to talk about and whether he’d thought at all about what I might have been feeling the past 24 hours.

Two or three times I asked:

- "What am I feeling or what do you think I'm feeling?"

He hesitated then stammered:

- "Well, umm, all sorts of things, I'm sure.” (I did not edit one word.)

He was truly flummoxed and could not answer, adding an excuse:

- "I can’t. I'm too damaged."

 

Hopelessly discouraged, I left for about ten hours, went shopping and talked to a psychologist relative, which helped the most. You see, my brother was recently diagnosed with NPD. Crazy but true. His wife has left him. His daughter is a practicing psychologist. She, my daughter, and I are on the same wave-length and restore each other from time to time. This was one such time and enabled me to go home at peace with the impenetrability of H’s narcissism and resigned to my only two options:

1. Leave or

2. Stay but retrieve my guarded approach toward this marriage as a business arrangement with benefits and find happiness in other things.

 

My daughter is here, so it’s all on hold but I don’t have any expectations of a heart-to-heart even after she leaves tomorrow that will change anything.

 

I simply forget from time to time as he appears to improve in other ways:

He’s only capable of so much and no more.

 

Exactly as understand 50 has described.

 

The post sums up his lack of empathy nicely. It's remarkable that your feelings about his porn usage end up with him being the victim to the point that your concerns were forgotten entirely. Classic.

 

I believe you are left with options 1 and 2, as you described. Again.

[Spark1111]

Porn....love this topic because it is so sexist!

 

If a couple agrees it is okay, then it is okay.

 

But if they do not, it is another point to be negotiated in any committed relationship.

 

If it feels disrespectful to one spouse, then it is!

 

Men think they have the right to porn, yet, if their woman was watching hot bodies in secret and getting off on it, or climaxing to thoughts of an ex boyfriend, and suspected it, most men would be devastated. Certainly narcissistic men who need to be the be all, end all sexual gods they envision themselves to be! Ha!

 

I am amazed how many men think viewing porn is harmless; does not affect their desire for their partner, or believe women are just not as interested in the sexual fantasies supplied by young, hard-bodied naked men.

 

It's hogwash!

 

Either negotiate what is acceptable in your relationship or share what you like; watch it together and bring the vibrator and romantic novellas to bed and read to each other.

 

As an infidelity survivor, I appalled at all the secrecy people feel entitled to keep regarding aspects of their sexuality in a committed relationship.

 

Merrmeade, your h is an incosiderate ass. I suggest he catch you enjoying yourself in secret. It may provide the proverbial frying pan to the side of his ego.

[merrmeade]

Merrmeade, your h is an incosiderate ass. I suggest he catch you enjoying yourself in secret. It may provide the proverbial frying pan to the side of his ego.

Or maybe the proverbial sauce for the goose ...

[Noirek]

It depnds on your beliefs. If you are of the Christian faith then yes it is cheating. Otherwise as others have said it is relationship by relationship. I think many women try to be cool about it when they are not. But we are told we have to accept porn. And then there are the women who are okay with it because they enjoy it themselves. The last one is okay but the first is not. A person does not have to be okag with porn.

 

And it definitely can be a problem when a man turns to it instead of his wife.

 

The same goes for erotica that takes the place of a real relationship or builds up unrelistic expectations.

[Overtaxed]

Is it cheating? No. Is it harmless? Also no.

 

I'm the high sex partner, and I spend a lot of time on the road for work. I do use porn, both away from my wife and at home, and I've never, in our 10+ years together, denied my wife sex because I was "tired out" from porn (I know that because I've never denied my wife sex for any reason, ever). Some people have a big sexual imbalance in the relationship. I'd have sex with my wife 2X a day if she wanted to and was enjoying it. She'd probably want to have sex 1X per week if you asked her preferred frequency. Now, of course, we both compromise, but the compromise is almost always more on the high sex than low sex partner. So we have sex 3X per week (as an example), with it 3X more than she would have it. But it's also 11 times a week that I'd have sex that I don't because she doesn't want to. That's the gap that porn/masturbation fills. Could I not do it? Yes, and I have (the whole "no-fap thing", don't laugh). Does it make me happy? No, it does not; it makes me very edgy, easily annoyed and demanding for sex at every opportunity.

 

Best case, IMHO? Get some sexy pictures of one another or movies and masturbate to them. That way your mind is focused and developing a fantasy around the person you love. Will you always be able to do this? Of course not, but I think it's better to develop a habit of having your SO as the object of your fantasy rather than some stranger.

 

Thing is, our society has come to accept things that are not "normal" for what our bodies are built to do. It's not normal that I spend a week or 2 on the road a month without my wife. 100 years ago, every night, 99% of the husbands/wives laid down together, in the same bed. Now, with technology and job demands, I'm lucky if I get to bed with my wife 3 nights a week (in the same bed). And on some of those nights, one of us will be near coma tired from work. So we have a lot less sex, IMHO, than our bodies were "built to" have.

[Jj66]

I've had mixed history. Most of my partners did not consider it to be cheating. My personal feelings are if its being done to avoid intimacy (not sex, but intimacy) then it's a problem in a relationship. As for secrets, whether a guy will keep it a secret depends on both his partner's perceived attitude and his comfort with his own sexuality. For example, if I were into Nazi BDSM midget porn, I might want to keep that secret from my SO even if I knew my SO was ok with me using porn.

 

My ex wife did consider porn a form of cheating. She also physically assaulted me for smiling at our dance instructor after dance lessons one evening. I wasn't being lustful at all. She was just an exceedingly jealous person.

 

One long term gf thought it was ok if used it in moderation. She wanted no part of it though. Don't ask, don't tell.

 

Another would have worried more if I DIDN'T masturbate and watch porn. She used porn herself though not as often as a guy might. She used to send me porno photos and links that she thought I might like. I'd do the same for her. That was a LDR and it was kind of cool way to share our sexuality.

 

My current gf had never seen a porno flick and asked me if I would watch one with her. We liked the experience and now she wants me to buy a porno dvd for us to use together.

[spanz1]

almost all men watch porn. It is very odd that it surprises you so much