Never-Been-Kissed: How do I find someone to hook up / sleep with?

[junebug1]

Hi. Not sure if this is where to post this thread.

 

I'm really interested in having sex / sexual relations, and I have no desire for a serious / long-term relationship. I'm in my 20s, straight female, and I'm extremely inexperienced and shy. I feel like there must still be hope though... I mean, despite being shy, to gain this kind of experience. I know that lots of people hook up with people casually or sleep with people once. Any advice on how I can approach this? Anyone else been through this and can share some wisdom? I'm wondering if it is outside of my realm of reality.. at least for the current time being / near future.

 

Some more details.

I've never been in a relationship, and when I say I'm extremely inexperienced, I mean I haven't kissed or touched anyone like that. I'm not looking for a long-term / serious relationship because I don't feel like I'm in a place to make room for anyone else besides me. There's a lot of self-improvement / regulation / management to go through to be open to that. I'm just trying to get on track of my own life.

However, I still have desires, and I'd like to explore them with a partner. Not just by myself.

But, like I said, I'm shy. I don't like bars or clubs because I don't like alcohol, and I don't feel comfortable dancing in that sense. I'm on an online dating site, but.. it's hard to want to meet up with people I've never met in person. Maybe I'm being contradictory. Or maybe the fantasy is much better, and the reality is scaring me off.

Also, I'm kind of awkward and quite insecure... but I'd like to think I have enough charm for a short-term thing. Or at least know how to pretend to be okay within that short time.

 

Is it looking bleak? Is there any way I can go about this as a shy, completely inexperienced young woman? I'm unfamiliar with dating (I've been on like one date, and some kind of date-y hangouts with a non-friend, but clearly nothing happened), so I don't know what I would even do with more intimate relations. Or how to approach someone for this, figure out if they'd be interested, etc. It's scary. I don't even know yet if I can be open enough to be intimate with someone like that honestly. But I know I have the desire to explore that part of life, just I don't feel like waiting for a long-term relationship, since I'm not even looking. I don't know 100% of the specifics I'm looking for with this, since I don't have experience, but I don't think I need to be with one person only. I just need to feel some level of trust, even if I don't really know the guy. I need to feel safe enough, and not judged, to do this with someone. I don't need someone consistent, and I'm not looking for a FWB btw. Unless that's your advice. But I don't really make guy friends often, and I feel like being friends first would be really awkward. At least in my head, I just imagine it being someone I don't really know well but is considerate, considering. Lay it on me.

 

P.S. and I do realize this is a big leap for someone with zero intimacy experience and maybe difficulty opening up to people. I'm shy. But that's also part of my question / thread post. It's hard, but I feel like it must be possible. And if so, how ? What are some positive / healthy ways to go about this? I'm just looking for advice / input. And feel free to explain with care, as I'm a novice and will probably not know a lot of common sense regarding this.

[junebug1]

[]

 

Also, I meant I have a hard time wanting to meet people from online dating with the goal of sexual intimacy. I can meet people casually for coffee etc. But if a guy asks directly about that online, it's hard for me to want to meet up late at night having never met them.

Edited January 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
moved thread to In Search Of ~6

[Gloria25]

I'm waaay past 20, and all I can say is yes - you got Tinder, Craigslist, and all these so-called "dating" websites to meet men who just want sex. You can also just go to a club/bar.

 

But, IMO, sex is even better when you do it with someone you are into. For me, even when I gave the o'l FWB thing a try, I still had to sorta "connect" with the guy in some way. My last FWB would bring me flowers, we'd go out to eat, sleepovers, etc. Yea, he was sorta like my "part-time" bf - but, it wasn't like he'd just swoop in, have sex, and leave.

 

So, I understand being shy and inexperienced. Even at my age, I'm still shy and awkward when it comes to dating - especially when I'm into a guy. But, trust me, if you take the time to get to know a dude, the shyness has a tendency to subside and the sex is soooooo good.

[LoveFiend]

Umm... interesting question. Being a guy I can tell you this will be so very easy for you to accomplish, since guys tend to want sex a lot more then women. The only obstacle in your way is your shyness.

 

I would be careful who you choose though. Make sure you make clear this is just a one night stand thing and not interested in a relationship.

 

Since safety is an issue for women I would stay away from online dating sites. I think the best thing to do is to pick a guy you have known for sometime, have a friendship with and trust. I think it would be too risky, especially being your first time and inexperienced with men to pick up a complete stranger you know nothing about.

[junebug1]

Gloria25 -- Thanks for those comforting words and for giving me some insight based on your experience! It seems like even trying something like this might be more of an effort / relationship thing than I thought at first. I'll probably just try to slowly go out / meet people in the regular way people do (non-romantically) and see where things go. And what you said about your FWB being like a part time BF - I wonder if that kind of relationship would vary with different people and their FWB! Thanks.

[junebug1]

LoveFiend --- Hey, thanks for your input about it and the online dating sites. Both your response and the commenter prior made me feel more comforted in ways. I think I'll just try to be a little more social in real life and meet new people, see where it takes me, and not think about it too much past that. But I'll put my energy into mentally, etc. and keep it on my radar lol. Maybe if I think it and make some effort to go out, I will attract it.

[umirano]

Hi junebug and welcome to the forum.

 

Improving on your shyness will be useful in pretty much any social situation. So you might want to work on that a bit before entering any sort of relationship. Join a club or group for something that interests you, go to meetups (it's an app) or date casually with tinder or something similar. Anything that makes you talk to new people will improve your confidence and conversational skills. It'll also expose you to all kinds of people and your instincts will improve from that.

 

I advise against having sex with a friend, unless you don't care about the friendship. Yes, knowing a person before having sex with them less stressful if you're shy, but a relationship with a person changes a lot after having had sex with them. The friend might think you want a relationship with him. Or he loses respect for you, or he's just downright confused. I'd be weirded out if a random girl friend tried to have sex with me.

 

Also, most sexual harassment happens with friends, relatives and work colleagues. The date rape is not the most common case, so I'd say overall you're better off going online, carefully vetting the candidates (maybe with a few dates in a public venue?) and taking it from there.

 

Good luck

[LivingWaterPlease]

Junebug, you didn't state your age that I recall but I'm wondering how old you are? It seems to me that trying to separate your sexuality from your emotions when you state you're shy and insecure is a recipe for disaster and that as much as you want to explore your sexuality now is not the optimal time to do so.

 

Your first sexual experience will be far more successful if you are emotionally connected to the man.

 

Women who are secure and confident sometimes have difficulty when their sexual experiences and emotional ones are not aligned.

 

My advice is to spend time developing your entire psyche as a whole. Involve yourself in activities that will boost your confidence. Join a church, clubs, groups of people who enjoy the same types of things you do and gradually expand your world to be interested in other people, to care about them in a platonic way instead of being focused on yourself and your own sexual desires.

 

Sex without having an emotional connection can be very harmful, depending on the person and it seems to me it could undermine your growth into a confident healthy adult.

 

When you're emotionally and spiritually ready for a sexual experience it will present itself.

[junebug1]

umirano -- thanks! You brought up several good things to consider.

I've never heard of the meetups app until you mentioned it, but my friend apparently uses it, so I will look into that.

I can't picture myself asking someone to sleep with me straight up randomly, so don't worry - the scenario you mentioned about asking established friends won't happen. Unless it's a unique case where I feel like there are vibes... But that's not likely. I can be shy and slightly awkward, but I think I tend to stray on the side of safe.. and can still read cues and understand most of that stuff.

Yeah I was thinking I will probably just try to join communities of things I'm interested in just to get myself out there as a person. And then i'll see how I feel. I think going slow/steady and meeting people like that is what will make me feel safest anyway. I did try to go online, but from my short experience, I don't really think it's right for me.

[junebug1]

LivingWaterPlease - Thank you for your advice. Good things to consider.

 

I'm in the latter half of my 20s. That may come as a bit of a surprise.

 

I guess you're right about me separating my emotions from sexuality. I didn't think that would be a big issue, but that's a good point you bring up. And about how even confident self assured women will have issues with that.

 

Like I've been saying in my replies, I agree / do think it seems like all I can do is focus on myself and interpersonal interactions by joining communal interest groups / activities. I used to do that, and at the time I also had a non-friend that I actually thought maybe could turn into something more (we seemed mutually interested and hung out in date-y ways a few times.. but he lost interest), but those outer exertions with less than expected results (not just in the romance dept) became tiring. But time to get out there again, not necessarily to meet guys, but just for me at least.

 

I was hoping that working on myself and exploring sexuality didn't have to be mutually exclusive right now. But it seems it would be smarter to go slower/steadier in the worlds of social and self growth. So I can handle things. I just have a tendency to go slow, to the point that I may not accomplish things I want to.

Edited January 5, 2017 by junebug1

[DarrenB]

I simply suggest stepping outside of your comfort zone, gradually. You don't want to go and immerse yourself into various escapades and situations with people immediately, as there might be repercussions along the way.

 

Maybe try attending social events? or places where you can surround yourself with other people. I'll just be cliche and suggest a gym? your local bar on weekends with a few friends? not necessarily to drink but to just be in company of others to perhaps enhance your confidence and self-esteem. Realistically, there's a lot of different scenarios which you can benefit from.

 

Dating apps and websites... I wouldn't really consider them something to rely on, but if you're looking for some experience on dates, or further intimacy then it could be beneficial for you. However the success rates do vary and depend on certain things, but I'm sure with some effort and patience you'll be able to find someone to work with.

[junebug1]

DarrenB -- Thanks! That's good advice about jumping in too fast & repercussions. Yeah I think I'll try to take it gradually in the real world.

[MrPlop]

Since none wants to tell you the truth I got news for you: first time sex sucks, however it will suck less if you do it with someone you're emotionally invested on. The plus side is that even though you might not be physically pleased at least you will be emotionally.

[ChatroomHero]

I agree with MrPlop. The experience will probably be a let down. When it's done you'll probably feel like, what was all the fuss about? You may gain confidence and feel like you finally scratched that itch, but I think you might be better off in the long run if you let it happen naturally rather than force a one night stand in a shady way.

 

On the other hand, if you live in Michigan, hit me up. Lol.

[preraph]

You don't have to drink and go to bars, though it would be the norm, but if you want to make friends or a lover, you have to get out of the house and do activities that involve other people. You have to be active and social and friendly to make friends and even friendlier to find a lover. So if your shyness is stopping you from having friends or dates, time to work on that with a pro.