How much porn is too much in a M after an A?

[StillHurtin]

H got an email from a guy friend for a site of a young woman that lives in the capital city a half an hour from us. She has several nude pictures of herself on the site where she is posing in public areas in parks, bars, and gyms. She was arrested a year ago b/c of it. She bragged about it on her site. H hasn't gotten a membership to her site but she does have nude photos of herself for free viewing. I have looked in H's history on the pc and he goes to her site several times a week, some times every day. He says he likes to keep updated on her and what she has been doing and what new pictures she has.

 

I asked him why he goes to her site so often and he said "I don't know, I just do." I asked him how he would feel if I went to some guy's nude site all the time and he said "Go ahead, I don't care."

 

I knew H went to porn sites and did a lot when we first got a computer but it was something new for him. He would do it when I knew about it and I didn't really care that much. But now, it bothers me he goes to this woman's site often.

 

H had an A two years ago during our separation/D but he broke it off w/ her 2 months after he filed for a D and wanted to work on the M. I decided to give him a second chance. How am I suppose to feel he screwed around during this time and now he is starting to look at this woman's (not the woman he had the A w/) site all the time?

 

I haven't been a nag about it, I haven't asked him to stop looking at the site. I don't really care if he goes to it once in awhile, but he goes to it all the time. But, is it disrespectful of him to go there all the time? Then to give me permission to go to men's nude sites just bothers me also. It's like he doesn't care.

 

Is going to this site several times a week too much? Is it just harmless fun. What do you other W's feel about it? I would love to her the men's point of view also.

[JadeStar]

So he goes to there alot to see her same pics she has? Or does she add new pics everyday? Does this site have a chat? Just wondering if maybe he was chatting other than looking at the pics. Personally I think his answer to your question about why he goes to that site so often, "I don't know, I just do." Is a bunch of BS Sounds like a classic answer for not wanting to truthfully answer. Since he says "Go ahead, I don't care", about you looking at sites like that, then go ahead and start looking, see what he has to say to that. Just a suggestion.

 

 

 

Jade

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by JadeStar

So he goes to there alot to see her same pics she has? Or does she add new pics everyday? Does this site have a chat? Just wondering if maybe he was chatting other than looking at the pics. Personally I think his answer to your question about why he goes to that site so often, "I don't know, I just do." Is a bunch of BS Sounds like a classic answer for not wanting to truthfully answer. Since he says "Go ahead, I don't care", about you looking at sites like that, then go ahead and start looking, see what he has to say to that. Just a suggestion.

 

 

 

Jade

 

 

Jade, I think she updates it a few times a week, or something. I have went to the site to see what is all on it and she has updated pictures and next to the pictures she states where it was taken and why, and what she was up to.

 

It sickens me that she took nude photos of herself in the park! It is a popular park in the capital city. Just image if a family was riding or walking past where she was getting her pictures taken and the children seen her! How sick is that? If she wants to splattered her nude pictures all over the net, at least have some decentcy and not do it out in public park.

 

Oh believe me, I am a lookin' lol

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by StillHurtin

It sickens me that she took nude photos of herself in the park! It is a popular park in the capital city. Just image if a family was riding or walking past where she was getting her pictures taken and the children seen her! How sick is that?

 

Ahhh come on .. this in itself it not all that bad .. You sound jealous

 

I'll bet anything that part of the reason he visits the site is because of his fantasy that he built in his head of him banging her.

[New_Wife]

Do you have a digital camera? If so, when he comes home, be in your best lingere and ask him to take some naughty photos of you. Don't tell him why. When you're done, go to the computer and start downloading them without another word to him. Maybe a courteous "thanks". Then, when he gets curious, explain to him that you're starting a website. If it's all good to do, you certainly don't want to miss out on the action, and if you can bring in a little income too - all the better.

 

If he doesn't flip out, wow. He'd be a vulcan or something.

 

To me, my man looking at naked pictures of other women has the exact same effect of other men looking at naked pics of me. That's not a global statement, that's just how I feel, before all you "porn's-the-norm"ers start jumping on my case.

 

When my h said "it's just pictures" to me, that's how I returned the thought. When he objected, I said "it's just pictures" and then he got it.

 

Good luck, either way. I do suggest you talk to him though, before trying any of my passive-aggressive stuff. I talked to him first, but we weren't understanding each other right away.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall

Ahhh come on .. this in itself it not all that bad .. You sound jealous

 

I'll bet anything that part of the reason he visits the site is because of his fantasy that he built in his head of him banging her.

 

Yea, you could say there is a little bit of jealousy over a skinny, pretty, 22 yo blonde when you are 36 woman w/ stretchmarks around her tummy from being pg w/ two beautiful children. I use to be a skinny 22 yo until I had children. When H's gets a kick looking at nude photos of a young 22 yoand I am pushing 40 you bet there is some jealousy going on.

 

My H gets jealous when a good lookin guy walks past and I look and he has to be a jerk about it but I am just suppose to sit there and not say anything when he sits at the computer all the time looking at nude photos.

 

He can all the fantasies about banging this chick that is young enough to be his daughter all he wants, b/c all it is is fantasies.

 

I am not going to say a word to him about it anymore after what he said last night. When we went to bed last night he asked me why it bothered me so much why he looks at that site. I told him it does a little bit b/c he looks at it all the time. He told me "Now, I suppose your going to control me by telling me I can't go to that site anymore?" So, if he wants to go to the stupid site, I am going to let him and not say a word. And when he wants a piece of a$$ I am going to go tell him to go whack off to Midwest M and leave me the F alone.

 

I refuse to sit here and be jealous anymore about it. If he wants to go to her site and think about banging her then he can go right ahead but the next time I check out a good looking guy he better keeps his mouth shut. I am M, not dead, and I enjoy looking at good looking guys and if he can't accept that then that is tough. It works both ways. If he doesn't want me looking at good looking guys then he needs to stay off that site.

 

New Wife, LOL on your idea!!! Let me loose about 20lbs and I will do what you said. H has said in the past he wanted to put me on Rack Your Rack b/c I would get a lot of votes so maybe I will just go a little further than that.

[tiki]

Throw out the motherf*cking computer.

 

Have you checked these sites to make sure he's not chatting with her? UGH!!!! Husbands like this make me want to barf. I'm so thankful my H is nothing like this!

 

My vote is to rid yourself of the culprit, the computer.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by StillHurtin

My H gets jealous when a good lookin guy walks past and I look and he has to be a jerk about it but I am just suppose to sit there and not say anything when he sits at the computer all the time looking at nude photos.

 

 

Nothing like a little double standard to piss you off ..

 

I wouldn't sit there and take it .. You need to sit him down and have a CALM heart to heart about how it hurts your feelings and why.. He is being a bit of an A**

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by tiki

Throw out the motherf*cking computer.

 

Have you checked these sites to make sure he's not chatting with her? UGH!!!! Husbands like this make me want to barf. I'm so thankful my H is nothing like this!

 

My vote is to rid yourself of the culprit, the computer.

 

Tiki, I can't throw out the computer, he would have a cow! And besides, we are still paying on it.

 

Yea, your lucky your H isn't like this. It really hurts that he thinks he needs to go to nude sites to look at this woman. And it would be a little different if he was just surfing, once in awhile, but he goes to this gals site a lot. I know they have chat on this gals site, but you have to pay to get to it. I haven't seen any charges made to his accounts for any unusual w/drawals so I don't think he is paying for her site. If I do find anything s*** will hit the fan!

 

I don't mind if H checks out a pretty girl when we were out, I do the samething w/ good looking guys, but to go purposely looking for it on the puter ticks me off.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall

Nothing like a little double standard to piss you off ..

 

I wouldn't sit there and take it .. You need to sit him down and have a CALM heart to heart about how it hurts your feelings and why.. He is being a bit of an A**

 

Fly, I have tried talking to him about it, in a calm manner and all he says I am trying to control him into not going to that site anymore. The things is, I found a letter he wrote to the OW when they were having an A. The exOW's H gave it to me to show my lawyer. In the letter H stated to the OW: " I am getting out of a relationship from someone (me) that was trying to change me to her liking, and not to my own." So when he says I am controlling him into stopping him from going to that site is making him feel like I am trying to change him. Yes, I did make him quit drinking when he drove our two children home completely drunk one night and we got into a fight about it. Yes, I made him go to the doctor about his anger issues. So, I feel like if I make him stop doing something he is going to find some other woman who wont "control" his life. If he does, so be it, I wont take him back again.

[tiki]

I have no tolerance for pornography. I find it repulsive, as does my Husband. We mutually agree that it's adultery.

 

Sell the computer, monitor his internet history, put parental blocks on it if you wish...he needs to stop. He's going to become an addict, then you'll have an even bigger problem.

 

He's an offender, he's got a tainted past. I don't see why your H isn't on his best behavior? If I took my H back after an A, I'd expect PERFECTION, or close to it. It's like he doesn't care?!?

 

He did the damage, he should have to pay in the fashion of being the most committed man possible. And porn isn't that route, last time I checked.

 

He needs a reality check.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by tiki

If I took my H back after an A, I'd expect PERFECTION, or close to it. It's like he doesn't care?!?

 

Stillhurtin,

I agree with Tiki and you should expect almost perfection also

 

 

 

He needs a reality check.

 

Agreed

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by tiki

I have no tolerance for pornography. I find it repulsive, as does my Husband. We mutually agree that it's adultery.

 

Sell the computer, monitor his internet history, put parental blocks on it if you wish...he needs to stop. He's going to become an addict, then you'll have an even bigger problem.

 

He's an offender, he's got a tainted past. I don't see why your H isn't on his best behavior? If I took my H back after an A, I'd expect PERFECTION, or close to it. It's like he doesn't care?!?

 

He did the damage, he should have to pay in the fashion of being the most committed man possible. And porn isn't that route, last time I checked.

 

He needs a reality check.

 

We have four computers. One that is older than dirt and we don't use unless I use if for the scanner (the scanner is not compatible w/ XP), a used laptop his mom gave us, mine that we bought together a year or two b4 the D/A, and one he bought when he thought the M was over so he wanted his own. We want to keep the computers for the kids for school assignments. Now days a lot of school work is done using computers and it would be a PITA to go the library all the time, especially when there is none available when we go there to check out books.

 

I check his history a lot, that is how I found out about how much he goes to her site. He also has her site bookmarked.

 

Like I said, I really don't care if he looks at nude photos of women even though it's not the Christian thing to do, but when he goes there several times a week, that bothers me. He has always looked at porn. When I threw out his Playboy magazines he had NP w/ that. We have a couple of porn movies. One he got from a friend when we were first M, and one we bought 2gether a few years ago. He never watches them. He says he doesn't want to. I know he doesn't watch them when I am not at home b/c I have them hiden from the kids and never told them where I hid them. My sister even let us borrow one and he said he didn't want to watch it, he had no desire to.

 

I agree that he needs a reality check and he should be jumping through hoops to regain that trust and realize that by me taking him back after his A was a HUGE thing for me. He should be happy and thrilled that I took him back and wouldn't want to do things that would cause more problems. It just seems like he doesn't care.

 

I have low self-esteem, always have, but I will admit that I am an attractive woman. Men notice me all the time. Some men even flirt w/ me (but I don't flirt back). Last weekend I spoke w/ a couple of Ex BF whom I was seeing years b4 I even met H. One is M and showed me pictures of his children and we had a laugh about the stupid stuff we use to do when we hung out (there was four of us that hung out 2gether so we laughed about all of us). H wasn't happy he came over to talk to me. I did do something stupid and talked to the D ex but I just wanted to know how life was going for him. We didn't even date that long. I was in HS when we dated. We broke up as friends b/c it was a LR and it wasn't working for us.

 

One day I was on my puter and some guy IM'ed me. I told him I was M and didn't think it was appropriate to be chatting w/ a guy. He apologized and that was the end of that. H was walking past my puter when that happened and he seen what I said, but he STILL got upset! He asked me why some guy was IM'ing me. I put a stop to it, he can easily put a stop going to her site so much.

[tiki]

If you don't already....have you guys considered going to church? I've seen that change a man like you wouldn't believe.

 

But no, don't throw out 4 computers.

 

If you're on AOL, I'd get a real Internet Service Provider (ISP) for emailing functions only. AOL is for kids that like to blab to each other (their interface sucks ass), not for married adults to get hit on by IM. How can you even trust him with that?! I respect my H too much to be on some IM. IMO, it's an affair waiting to happen, basically.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by tiki

If you don't already....have you guys considered going to church? I've seen that change a man like you wouldn't believe.

 

But no, don't throw out 4 computers.

 

If you're on AOL, I'd get a real Internet Service Provider (ISP) for emailing functions only. AOL is for kids that like to blab to each other (their interface sucks ass), not for married adults to get hit on by IM. How can you even trust him with that?! I respect my H too much to be on some IM. IMO, it's an affair waiting to happen, basically.

 

Tiki, we are still trying to find a new church here where we moved. We tried one, but we didn't like it. We didn't feel welcomed and we just didn't feel like it was for us. There is one I want to try but H is reluctant to go b/c the church is new and they haven't built their own church yet. I have heard the minister preach at a friends funeral not to long ago and I liked the way he preached. We have thought about going to the church where I went as a child but my parent's and my brother and his family quit going b/c the minister quit and they didn't like the new one so they are still looking for a new church themselves. We really need to get back into church. We had one where we use to live that I loved, but it's too far plus the minister is no longer there.

 

We don't have AOL. As for H on IM'ing, he doesn't go on there. He just has his mom on it. I IM friends, and my mil, and that is it. As for yahoo IM, he doesn't have anyone on there but a friend of his. I don't think he ever uses it. I took Yahoo off my puter for the simple fact men would IM me all the time. I didn't care when I thought I was going through a D, but now that I am working on my M I don't want men to IM me.

 

And I agree, it is an A waiting ot happen. When we first got a computer H was playing yahoo pool a lot, late into the night. One morning as I checked my email I noticed a woman's nn on the yahoo IM. I asked him about it, said it was some gal on yahoo pool he met. They exchanged pictures of eachother and he sent her pictures of our kids. I wasn't too happy. Then one night when I was on the puter and he was making supper she IM'ed him. I told him it wasn't him, but his W! She apologized, said she didn't know he was M and she didn't mean to cause any problems. She was just having problems w/ her BF and liked getting the advice from another man on what to do.

 

I told her he was M, and she needed to leave him alone. She did. H knew what I was saying to her and he didn't stop me. He told me I could take her name off his buddy list.