My best friend stole my FWB. Why does it hurt so much?

[Alphaqueen]

Thats all I needed to hear lol I hate to say it but FWB are desposable unless your attached in which case you need to hang on to it.

 

You and your friend could always "share" him, he might not mind? You could always fight it out in a ring full of jelly.. winner takes all!

 

Seriously though you are best to move on and decide if you want to keep your friend and/or former FWB around what's more important?

 

When she first told me she found him hot I suggested sharing, just as a joke. She said "I don't share". She would've stolen him regardless apparently. but I know you're joking.

 

Yeah I'm not keeping either of them around. Yeah he was supposed to be disposable but he got into my heart/ego/whatever to the point where disposal was impossible. But if I were to keep one of them it would be my FWB.

[Alphaqueen]

You can continue being centered only on yourself, looking at the world with very narrow view, being busy only about your own feelings and ignoring others, looking for mind tricks how to twist reality, and making up scenarios in which other people did wrong, while you are OK - and by that continue to be miserable....

 

Or, you still have the chance to make a 180 turn, and start acting as a woman that actually cares about other people, especially your close friends. A woman with a normal ego and not an inflated ego, as you have now.

 

You can (Yes, you can) call him and her, ask to meet each one of them and appologize for your impulsive reaction, tell them that you support them, like them, and you regret the way you behaved. You will gain two friends at once, winning their love and appreciation.

 

And before you start rejection my advice:

1. No, it's not right to cheat on your boyfriend, while using another guy.

2. No, it's not legitimate to expect him not fall in love with your female friend, only because you think you own him.

3. No, it's not legitimate to to avoid happiness and true love from your female friend, only because you want to continue playing with your toy.

4. No, it's not legitimate to let him know that he doesn't have a chance with you (By having a BF), and at the same time to be angry with him because he asks for a real relationship, that you didn't want to give him.

 

I won't even try to hide it, I DO have an ego. Maybe that's what was hurt the most, I don't know. This fwb was pretty much the hottest guy either of us had ever seen and it made me feel amazing that he was "mine", especially since I had a boyfriend as well and my friend had no one. It sounds wrong to say but I promise I'm a good person lol. Maybe in time I can talk to them but for now it's still too raw. I really thought they'd be broken up by now but they aren't. :/ I just really really value male attention and now that I feel like that's taken from me, it's like half of my heart is gone. It's hard. Not even my boyfriend can make me feel better.

[Alphaqueen]

Hey, guys. I thought I should let you know that I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I believe this can explain a lot of my intense pain over this.

[lolablue17]

Hey, guys. I thought I should let you know that I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I believe this can explain a lot of my intense pain over this.

 

Could be, but you better take some responsibility. If you throw everything on this disorder, you'll find it hard to recover.

 

When I suggested that you appologize to them, I didn't think it would be easy. And I don't think it's wrong that you have a big ego and a great need for male attention.

 

But it doesn't mean you should always let your ego to fully control you. When you are angry with them, you give up your independent mind and letting your ego to rule. What you really want to do is to try to deal with your weakness, not give up in advance. You might feel a lot better.

 

Did you friend took your toy? Does it hurt? Well, you should have given her your permission earlier. You care for you ego, but you also care for her too. Why should the ego always win? Grown people are able to tolerate some pain and still be social.

[Alphaqueen]

Could be, but you better take some responsibility. If you throw everything on this disorder, you'll find it hard to recover.

 

When I suggested that you appologize to them, I didn't think it would be easy. And I don't think it's wrong that you have a big ego and a great need for male attention.

 

But it doesn't mean you should always let your ego to fully control you. When you are angry with them, you give up your independent mind and letting your ego to rule. What you really want to do is to try to deal with your weakness, not give up in advance. You might feel a lot better.

 

Did you friend took your toy? Does it hurt? Well, you should have given her your permission earlier. You care for you ego, but you also care for her too. Why should the ego always win? Grown people are able to tolerate some pain and still be social.

 

First of all, I just want to thank you for being so kind and understanding. You worded everything really perfectly and I'm actually considering apologizing to them and wishing them well, even if it's only to make myself look less egotistical. I guess I just can't handle that she got this very attractive guy to get feelings for her when all he wanted me for was sex. But then again, how could he want me for more when he knew I was taken? Anyways my boyfriend proposed to me last night! I feel like I can finally look ahead.

[VeveCakes]

Umm... because girl code? Plenty of fish out there no no need to choose one that was your friend's.

 

He wasn't yours....

[VeveCakes]

I won't even try to hide it, I DO have an ego. Maybe that's what was hurt the most, I don't know. This fwb was pretty much the hottest guy either of us had ever seen and it made me feel amazing that he was "mine", especially since I had a boyfriend as well and my friend had no one.

 

I just really really value male attention and now that I feel like that's taken from me, it's like half of my heart is gone. It's hard. Not even my boyfriend can make me feel better.

 

You are not a very nice friend...

 

you need to look into why you value male attention so much. You are crying because your friend landed the hot guy and yet you have bf waiting in the wings? I feel bad for him.

[Alphaqueen]

You are not a very nice friend...

 

you need to look into why you value male attention so much. You are crying because your friend landed the hot guy and yet you have bf waiting in the wings? I feel bad for him.

 

I posted earlier that I was recently diagnosed with BPD. It makes people need a lot of validation and attention or else they'll feel horribly abandoned and that's what that was.

 

I guess I was upset because I thought she knew how I was, she didn't know about the BPD but she knows how I am.

 

You don't have to feel bad for him, he's forgiven me and understands that I can't help these things sometimes. I'm currently in counseling.

[VeveCakes]

I posted earlier that I was recently diagnosed with BPD. It makes people need a lot of validation and attention or else they'll feel horribly abandoned and that's what that was.

 

I guess I was upset because I thought she knew how I was, she didn't know about the BPD but she knows how I am.

 

You don't have to feel bad for him, he's forgiven me and understands that I can't help these things sometimes. I'm currently in counseling.

 

I dated someone with BPD so I know what it's like.

 

It does not excuse cheating. I will continue to feel sorry for anyone who is someones second chance. Did you ever wonder why you didn't feel your current bf isn't enough?

[Alphaqueen]

I dated someone with BPD so I know what it's like.

 

It does not excuse cheating. I will continue to feel sorry for anyone who is someones second chance. Did you ever wonder why you didn't feel your current bf isn't enough?

 

Well because he wasn't giving me enough. At the time I got the FWB, I had been the one continuously driving 2 hours to visit him whenever I could. I reached hard times and couldn't afford gas and asked him to visit me for once and he didn't. I was really really needing of male attention and validation because my friend seemed to be getting prettier and prettier and I was really jealous and insecure (which is another reason that this hurt so bad). So I needed a man to make me feel like I was indeed pretty and desirable and for some reason the only way I can feel that way is through sex.

[VeveCakes]

Well because he wasn't giving me enough. At the time I got the FWB, I had been the one continuously driving 2 hours to visit him whenever I could. I reached hard times and couldn't afford gas and asked him to visit me for once and he didn't. I was really really needing of male attention and validation because my friend seemed to be getting prettier and prettier and I was really jealous and insecure (which is another reason that this hurt so bad). So I needed a man to make me feel like I was indeed pretty and desirable and for some reason the only way I can feel that way is through sex.

 

Are you in therapy?

[VeveCakes]

Well because he wasn't giving me enough. At the time I got the FWB, I had been the one continuously driving 2 hours to visit him whenever I could. I reached hard times and couldn't afford gas and asked him to visit me for once and he didn't. I was really really needing of male attention and validation because my friend seemed to be getting prettier and prettier and I was really jealous and insecure (which is another reason that this hurt so bad). So I needed a man to make me feel like I was indeed pretty and desirable and for some reason the only way I can feel that way is through sex.

 

 

This is not love you have for your bf. The minute he can't give you what you want, you jump into bed with another man?

[Alphaqueen]

This is not love you have for your bf. The minute he can't give you what you want, you jump into bed with another man?

 

I have an inkling you're some guy who's been cheated on hiding behind a girl's username and picture. How could you as a woman possibly not understand?

[VeveCakes]

I have an inkling you're some guy who's been cheated on hiding behind a girl's username and picture. How could you as a woman possibly not understand?

 

lmaoooooooooooo well it isn't the first I have been accused of being a man on this site...but no, I am in fact a woman. The one whose pic is to the left. I would offer proof to view my twitter or IG but it is against the board rules. But thank you for that laugh.

 

How can I not understand? Well I am not BPD nor do I seek validation from men. I am saying that in a mean way, I just do not think you realize how unhealthy your behavior is.

 

Have you ever been single? Alone...no FWB, no dating, no bf, no nothing? Are you able to be? I think you need to enter therapy and take some time to yourself. You are hurting 4 people in this scenario. Your friend, your FWB, your bf, and yourself. Not a single action you have taken after hearing they are together has been a positive one for anything.

 

You care more about being sidelined for your friend because you think she is prettier than you do about actually cheating on your boyfriend. Think about how hurt you are over this, and imagine now that your FWB was your hunky bf, and he cheated on you. Imagine the pain you would feel if that was the case. That is what your boyfriend feels, and yet, his feelings are the very last thing on your mind. Why is he your boyfriend?

 

In adult healthy relationships, when there are problems you deal with them. When you are lonely and your partner is away, you suck it up. You don't obtain a FWB then claim he is "your man" and go ballistic when he gets an actual girlfriend.

 

Has any advice anyone has given you resonated at all?

[SweetiePi]

How long were you friends with her? Personally, I would not date someone my close friend was intimate with that way. As for him, at least he was honest with you about what relationship he wanted with you.

 

 

How old are you? I only ask because you sound young. As the years go by I realize that landing a "hot" guy is not important. Yes, attraction is important, but so is who a person is on the inside. He didn't see you as "marriage material" because you were already taken. Most men usually don't respect that.

 

 

It's probably best distance yourself from both of them. At least for now. Write him off. He is detrimental to you and your fiancé's relationship If your friendship with her is strong enough (know for many years), you can always connect with her later when your feelings are not so raw.

 

 

As for BPD, I also have this. It is good you are going for counselling. If you continue that and to learn skills to cope better, as you age the symptoms will be easier to manage. Curious have you been diagnosed with PTSD. There seems to be a link between the 2 disorders. Please look in your area for Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and Emotional Regulation courses. These will help you and grow you into an awesome person. Trust me, you can do it!

 

 

 

 

Well because he wasn't giving me enough. At the time I got the FWB, I had been the one continuously driving 2 hours to visit him whenever I could. I reached hard times and couldn't afford gas and asked him to visit me for once and he didn't. I was really really needing of male attention and validation because my friend seemed to be getting prettier and prettier and I was really jealous and insecure (which is another reason that this hurt so bad). So I needed a man to make me feel like I was indeed pretty and desirable and for some reason the only way I can feel that way is through sex.

[stillafool]

I have an inkling you're some guy who's been cheated on hiding behind a girl's username and picture. How could you as a woman possibly not understand?

 

I'm a woman and I do not understand a woman who needs so much attention and validation from men that they would cheat on their bf/husband to get it. I don't think that behavior can be blamed on some disorder. If that were true half the population would be cheaters. If your bf isn't meeting your needs you can always break up with him and find a man who wants you. You aren't married to him and he really doesn't seem to care about you.

[Alphaqueen]

How long were you friends with her? Personally, I would not date someone my close friend was intimate with that way. As for him, at least he was honest with you about what relationship he wanted with you.

 

 

How old are you? I only ask because you sound young. As the years go by I realize that landing a "hot" guy is not important. Yes, attraction is important, but so is who a person is on the inside. He didn't see you as "marriage material" because you were already taken. Most men usually don't respect that.

 

 

It's probably best distance yourself from both of them. At least for now. Write him off. He is detrimental to you and your fiancé's relationship If your friendship with her is strong enough (know for many years), you can always connect with her later when your feelings are not so raw.

 

 

As for BPD, I also have this. It is good you are going for counselling. If you continue that and to learn skills to cope better, as you age the symptoms will be easier to manage. Curious have you been diagnosed with PTSD. There seems to be a link between the 2 disorders. Please look in your area for Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and Emotional Regulation courses. These will help you and grow you into an awesome person. Trust me, you can do it!

 

We were friends for 6 months. I'm 19 (she's older at 21). I knew the FWB (also 21) for a week or so before he met her and the sex stopped. Yeah I'm distancing from them both, I'm realizing they really weren't that special.

 

It feels amazing to find someone else with this disorder! Yea I made a counseling appointment. I'm pretty sure I do have ptsd but I'm not sure for what reason. Thank you so much!

[Alphaqueen]

I'm a woman and I do not understand a woman who needs so much attention and validation from men that they would cheat on their bf/husband to get it. I don't think that behavior can be blamed on some disorder. If that were true half the population would be cheaters. If your bf isn't meeting your needs you can always break up with him and find a man who wants you. You aren't married to him and he really doesn't seem to care about you.

 

Being that he proposed yesterday I realize he actually does care. The disorder makes it far more likely though. It was a moment of weakness and I haven't physically cheated since.

[whichwayisup]

Being that he proposed yesterday I realize he actually does care. The disorder makes it far more likely though. It was a moment of weakness and I haven't physically cheated since.

 

Yet.

 

Did you say yes to your boyfriend?

 

He may find out you cheated on him, 3 people know the truth. You, FWB and friend. Never say never, but one of them could very well tell him so if you want an honest life with him, confess and allow him to choose if he still wants to marry you.

 

You barely have said anything about your boyfriend and seem more focused on your fwb and how you feel about him.

 

Having a mental illness doesn't justify your choice in actively cheating and pursuing someone else and developing feelings for another man. That's something else inside of you, an insecurity/flaw that needs to be fixed otherwise you WILL cheat on your future husband again and again when you feel insecure or doubting his love for you.

[Leigh 87]

I have your disorder.

 

And as much as I love validation..... I never once felt the need to CHEAT or get PHYSICAL with a man other than my ex......

 

When I no longer felt like being monogamous with my other exes..... umm, I BROKE UP WITH THEM LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.

 

Sheesh.

 

So sick of crappy people blaming their mental health disorders for the fact they acted selfish and are not relationship material.

[whichwayisup]

He was more than a "guy who bangs me". He was someone who brought me out of my depression.

 

This is why you need counseling so badly, and possibly go on meds. NO one person (him or your boyfriend) can cure you or make you not feel depressed. That's a false sense of security, as soon as they aren't making you feel high (happy), you're going to crash and feel that depression again, which by the way, was still there all along you were just addicted to the high of how he made you feel masking the depression temporarily.

 

Please don't marry your long distance boyfriend. You've lead a separate life behind his back, you've not lived with him since he's long distance.

[Leigh 87]

I used to have an ex. He was such a bit d*ck. He was never that into me aside from when it suited him (babe come pick my sorry @ss up drunk at 3 am every bloody weekend:sick:)

 

So anyways, said ex cheated on me repeatedly. Once he was on a boozy cruise, probably cheating on me, and I met and really connected with an Irish guy I still remember to this day. We clicked, he appreciated me. I was his type/ I was never my exes type.

 

I got sh*t faces black out drunk with the Irish. He made a move. Guess what I did? I shut him down. Despite having "BPD" and, knowing my ex was not the one for me AND being more into this Irish guy than I was into my ex.

 

I still didn't cheat.

 

The fact you do it so freely is alarming and a bit sociopathic.

 

I am not a saint at all yet I knew better, despite my mental health conditions, to let a guy kiss me and put his d*ck inside me. It is not that difficult to exercise self control and break up with a person prior to letting another guy have his hands on you:sick:

 

You sound self aware and feel intense emotions meaning you seem to care about and have feelings about and towards people; this is great, at least you feel SOMETHING. You just need PRETTY INTENSE therapy to be able to harness your emotions.

 

By the way, I grew up ugly and became hot (although not model like or totally gorgeous or anything major!). I LOVE MALE ATTENTION. But I never want more than just that; attention. A compliment here and there. Occasional harmless flirting banter.

 

Please seek help. Or this type of crap will continue to plague you the rest of your life.

 

You can lead a happy drama free life is you try harder.

[Rita86]

We were friends for 6 months. I'm 19 (she's older at 21). I knew the FWB (also 21) for a week or so before he met her and the sex stopped. Yeah I'm distancing from them both, I'm realizing they really weren't that special.

Did I read that right? You had been with this fwb for just a week when he met your friend and thus started showing interest in her and eventually dating her? And you'really this hung up over fwb you barely know?

 

You and your boyfriend both sound disfunctional. Who proposes to a gf that just admitted to cheating? I wouldnt jump into a marriage if I were you especially as you dont seem to show any remorse for your cheating and in fact you are angry that your fwb ended it with you.

I hope you think wisely about this engagement at 19 you are definitely not mature enough for such a commitment and your actions and comments in this thread show that.

I wish you the best.

[Alphaqueen]

I used to have an ex. He was such a bit d*ck. He was never that into me aside from when it suited him (babe come pick my sorry @ss up drunk at 3 am every bloody weekend:sick:)

 

So anyways, said ex cheated on me repeatedly. Once he was on a boozy cruise, probably cheating on me, and I met and really connected with an Irish guy I still remember to this day. We clicked, he appreciated me. I was his type/ I was never my exes type.

 

I got sh*t faces black out drunk with the Irish. He made a move. Guess what I did? I shut him down. Despite having "BPD" and, knowing my ex was not the one for me AND being more into this Irish guy than I was into my ex.

 

I still didn't cheat.

 

The fact you do it so freely is alarming and a bit sociopathic.

 

I am not a saint at all yet I knew better, despite my mental health conditions, to let a guy kiss me and put his d*ck inside me. It is not that difficult to exercise self control and break up with a person prior to letting another guy have his hands on you:sick:

 

You sound self aware and feel intense emotions meaning you seem to care about and have feelings about and towards people; this is great, at least you feel SOMETHING. You just need PRETTY INTENSE therapy to be able to harness your emotions.

 

By the way, I grew up ugly and became hot (although not model like or totally gorgeous or anything major!). I LOVE MALE ATTENTION. But I never want more than just that; attention. A compliment here and there. Occasional harmless flirting banter.

 

Please seek help. Or this type of crap will continue to plague you the rest of your life.

 

You can lead a happy drama free life is you try harder.

 

You're obviously just a more moral-based person. I don't really believe in morals or dignity or whatever it is, i believe in emotions and vulnerability. You said you became hot... I was never and still am not hot. You're hot enough to have that kind of self-pride or whatever to not cheat but I'm not. Girls like me should take it wherever we can find it. You wouldn't understand. And I'm FAR from an emotionless sociopath. I knew my boyfriend wouldn't find out (and probably not even care) so I did it- if there was a tiny possibility that he would find out, I would have stuck to my vibrator or just stuck to face timing other guys.

[Alphaqueen]

Did I read that right? You had been with this fwb for just a week when he met your friend and thus started showing interest in her and eventually dating her? And you'really this hung up over fwb you barely know?

 

You and your boyfriend both sound disfunctional. Who proposes to a gf that just admitted to cheating? I wouldnt jump into a marriage if I were you especially as you dont seem to show any remorse for your cheating and in fact you are angry that your fwb ended it with you.

I hope you think wisely about this engagement at 19 you are definitely not mature enough for such a commitment and your actions and comments in this thread show that.

I wish you the best.

 

I tend to form intense bonds really quickly. The same day I met my friend, I started calling her my best friend. That's just who I am. And during that week, I opened up to my FWB about practically everything and told him all of my secrets and problems and everything. He told me some stuff too. So I wouldn't say I barely know him.

 

He proposed partly because I agreed to adopt his kids. I said yes but I do have some uncertainty. I'll ask my counselor.