My best friend stole my FWB. Why does it hurt so much?

[stillafool]

Don't, I told him and he forgave me.

 

You're obviously just a more moral-based person. I don't really believe in morals or dignity or whatever it is, i believe in emotions and vulnerability. You said you became hot... I was never and still am not hot. You're hot enough to have that kind of self-pride or whatever to not cheat but I'm not. Girls like me should take it wherever we can find it. You wouldn't understand. And I'm FAR from an emotionless sociopath. I knew my boyfriend wouldn't find out (and probably not even care) so I did it- if there was a tiny possibility that he would find out, I would have stuck to my vibrator or just stuck to face timing other guys.

 

I thought you said your bf knew about the sex you had with this guy and didn't care? That is why I said in my other post that your bf doesn't care about you because you said it here.

[whichwayisup]

You're obviously just a more moral-based person. I don't really believe in morals or dignity or whatever it is, i believe in emotions and vulnerability. You said you became hot... I was never and still am not hot. You're hot enough to have that kind of self-pride or whatever to not cheat but I'm not. Girls like me should take it wherever we can find it. You wouldn't understand. And I'm FAR from an emotionless sociopath. I knew my boyfriend wouldn't find out (and probably not even care) so I did it- if there was a tiny possibility that he would find out, I would have stuck to my vibrator or just stuck to face timing other guys.

 

Please take the time to really think about your future and if you truly are in love with your boyfriend. To be step mom to his children and some day have your own children with him, are you really ready for all that responsibility? Just seems you have some growing to do before settling down and making such a HUGE commitment.

 

1st bolded part, please learn morals and dignity. Not having those will make you continue to make questionable choices for yourself. You could cheat again.

 

Counseling can help you get your life back on track and get you ready for family life..If you choose to marry your long distance boyfriend.

[Leigh 87]

Sorry I know you're not a sociopath. I now have a better understanding of why you cheated so freely. It just sounded a bit alarming.

 

You really don't think you're good enough to make a guy be head over heels smitten with you, so you cheat and take what you can get because you figure your boyfriend is not smitten enough with you to care.

 

I am BDP but very mildly compared to most. I totally get that mindset I described above. I too used to date around and act a certain way based on the premise that NO guy could fall that hard for me anyway.

 

Look, I have always had models as best friends. Frankly, it sucks balls. Really.

 

I could have my male friends ask about them incessantly, tell me how gorgeous they are while they tried to urge me to settle for men that were not crazy about me because "people can grow on each other ". Well my model friends didn't have to wait for my male friends to grow on THEM;I just thought, I will be damned if I have to bloody accept less than what these hot girls get.

 

I made the decision in my late 20s to only date men who were SMITTEN with my looks much the way my model friends got men to be around them, except I knew I was not everyone's cup of tea, where as my model friends appealed to nearly every guy, I knew for me it was simply a matter of waiting a bit longer to find a lesser amount of men who were enamoured with me.

 

I found these men who fell for me hard and fast and were smitten with my looks and I never had to look back and have such awful thoughts as you do. I didn't need to go and take any attention I could get since I had a boyfriend who adored the Sht out of me.

 

You have a lot of work to do. I am not that hot, I have very chizzled features and some people think I look like a transgender or a bloke. But I love life and have some nice features that I love so I always find men who fancy me despite not being a beauty queen type.

 

You need some serious therapy girl.

[VeveCakes]

You're obviously just a more moral-based person. I don't really believe in morals or dignity or whatever it is, i believe in emotions and vulnerability. You said you became hot...

 

And I'm FAR from an emotionless sociopath. I knew my boyfriend wouldn't find out (and probably not even care) so I did it- if there was a tiny possibility that he would find out, I would have stuck to my vibrator or just stuck to face timing other guys.

 

Your first sentance and the first of the second paragraph contradict each other.

 

Face timing other guys and sexting is still cheating.

 

I tend to form intense bonds really quickly. The same day I met my friend, I started calling her my best friend. That's just who I am. And during that week, I opened up to my FWB about practically everything and told him all of my secrets and problems and everything. He told me some stuff too. So I wouldn't say I barely know him.

.

 

Forming bonds and spewing your life to someone you just met is not healthy. Please seek counselling before you date anyone else.

[noelle303]

You're obviously just a more moral-based person. I don't really believe in morals or dignity or whatever it is, i believe in emotions and vulnerability. You said you became hot... I was never and still am not hot. You're hot enough to have that kind of self-pride or whatever to not cheat but I'm not. Girls like me should take it wherever we can find it. You wouldn't understand. And I'm FAR from an emotionless sociopath. I knew my boyfriend wouldn't find out (and probably not even care) so I did it- if there was a tiny possibility that he would find out, I would have stuck to my vibrator or just stuck to face timing other guys.

 

You don't believe in morals, you just act on emotions, but you expect that other people honor ''girl codes'' and act righteous when they don't?

 

I'm sorry, I believe that when you can dish it out, you should know how to take it. You acted immorally, on emotions, and your friend did the same back to you. Or do you believe that because of your disorder and insecurity you get a free pass while others don't?

 

I am glad that you are self-aware enough to understand your flaws and actions. It's a very good thing. But you should use that to work on bettering yourself and finding healthier coping mechanisms. You will never be able to form long-lasting functional relationships as you are now.

[Alphaqueen]

You don't believe in morals, you just act on emotions, but you expect that other people honor ''girl codes'' and act righteous when they don't?

 

I'm sorry, I believe that when you can dish it out, you should know how to take it. You acted immorally, on emotions, and your friend did the same back to you. Or do you believe that because of your disorder and insecurity you get a free pass while others don't?

 

I am glad that you are self-aware enough to understand your flaws and actions. It's a very good thing. But you should use that to work on bettering yourself and finding healthier coping mechanisms. You will never be able to form long-lasting functional relationships as you are now.

 

I wouldn't say that I deserve a "free pass" but my wrongdoings are much more understandable. My reasonings behind everything, including "cheating", are always justified. Want to know her reason for dating him? "It just kinda happened" in a nutshell. I believe in reasons and intentions. My intentions are never to hurt others and I always care a whole lot about my deed. Hers showed no care at all. We were both immoral I guess but the big difference is, mine was to fill a pain deep within me. Hers was, basically, just because. That's why I feel the way I do.

[VeveCakes]

I wouldn't say that I deserve a "free pass" but my wrongdoings are much more understandable. My reasonings behind everything, including "cheating", are always justified. Want to know her reason for dating him? "It just kinda happened" in a nutshell. I believe in reasons and intentions. My intentions are never to hurt others and I always care a whole lot about my deed. Hers showed no care at all. We were both immoral I guess but the big difference is, mine was to fill a pain deep within me. Hers was, basically, just because. That's why I feel the way I do.

 

No it wasn't justified at all - cheating NEVER is. Sorry, but it's not.

 

So you can do whatever you want as long as you tell yourself you arent hurting anyone....that isn't how it works. Your actions DID hurt someone, whether you planned on it or not. You were just too ignorant to realize how hurtful you were acting.

 

I doubt your friend intended to hurt you. She knew you had a bf and you acted cool about the FWB. You knew the guy for a freakin week! Like wtf

[noelle303]

I wouldn't say that I deserve a "free pass" but my wrongdoings are much more understandable. My reasonings behind everything, including "cheating", are always justified. Want to know her reason for dating him? "It just kinda happened" in a nutshell. I believe in reasons and intentions. My intentions are never to hurt others and I always care a whole lot about my deed. Hers showed no care at all. We were both immoral I guess but the big difference is, mine was to fill a pain deep within me. Hers was, basically, just because. That's why I feel the way I do.

 

She probably felt an attraction, went for it, developed feelings and now they're in a relationship. So one could say that she acted on emotions, or at least hormones, right?

 

You have to understand that your pain does not take priority over other people's pain. Just because you're hurting, it doesn't make it ok to hurt others. Plus, this guy would never cure your pain anyway.

[stillafool]

You knew the guy for a freakin week! Like wtf

 

This right here. After I read that all of this drama was over a guy you knew for only 1 week? I don't think you guys were even FWBs but more like a fling. Now I understand why your gf went for him because you already had someone and had a quick affair with this dude. Of course your friend wouldn't think you'd have deep feelings for this guy.

[SoulCat]

My intentions are never to hurt others

 

Hm yeah okay. And how exactly does that fit in with slapping, punching, threatening and verbally abusing other people? And cheating on your boyfriend?

 

None of your wrongdoings are justified. You're just very skilled in self-justification. Big, big difference.

[Alphaqueen]

This right here. After I read that all of this drama was over a guy you knew for only 1 week? I don't think you guys were even FWBs but more like a fling. Now I understand why your gf went for him because you already had someone and had a quick affair with this dude. Of course your friend wouldn't think you'd have deep feelings for this guy.

 

You guys are hilarious taking the backstabbers side only because my feelings are a little intense. In the week of our "fling", I told him everything about myself, things even she didn't know. I don't think the time you know a person truly means anything.

[SoulCat]

I told him everything about myself, things even she didn't know. I don't think the time you know a person truly means anything.

 

You do not know someone after one week no matter how many things you told him about yourself, your issues and your problems.

You can tell someone your life story 20 times over, it doesn't mean that they then know you as a person.

 

Sure, there could be a (mutual) connection but in your case I get the feeling the connection was rather one-sided and possibly a bit stifling and overwhelming for him. Too intense. Too much, too soon.

 

I'm guessing he found your friend the more attractive option because she is probably a bit more lighthearted and not full of negative burdens and overwhelming intensity.

[whichwayisup]

You guys are hilarious taking the backstabbers side only because my feelings are a little intense. In the week of our "fling", I told him everything about myself, things even she didn't know. I don't think the time you know a person truly means anything.

 

Backstabbers? You were cheating on your boyfriend, and your fwb and your friend are single. It's ironic though on some level that you're hurt by that yet you did the same thing to the person you're committed to, your boyfriend. No one is taking sides here, we're trying to open your eyes to the damage you've caused to yourself and to your boyfriend/relationship/fiance.

[noelle303]

You guys are hilarious taking the backstabbers side only because my feelings are a little intense. In the week of our "fling", I told him everything about myself, things even she didn't know. I don't think the time you know a person truly means anything.

 

Personally, do I think it's ok to hook up with a guy my friend is seeing? Absolutely no.

 

However, you can't hold people to these moral standards and ''codes'' when you clearly don't hold yourself to them. Would you not go out with a guy who is a friend's FWB (of one week) and is insanely hot and likes you a lot and you like him back?

[Alphaqueen]

Backstabbers? You were cheating on your boyfriend, and your fwb and your friend are single. It's ironic though on some level that you're hurt by that yet you did the same thing to the person you're committed to, your boyfriend. No one is taking sides here, we're trying to open your eyes to the damage you've caused to yourself and to your boyfriend/relationship/fiance.

 

It's getting pretty annoying seeing people bringing up my boyfriend when he's completely irrelevant to the situation.

[anika99]

I tend to form intense bonds really quickly. The same day I met my friend, I started calling her my best friend. That's just who I am. And during that week, I opened up to my FWB about practically everything and told him all of my secrets and problems and everything. He told me some stuff too. So I wouldn't say I barely know him.

 

He proposed partly because I agreed to adopt his kids. I said yes but I do have some uncertainty. I'll ask my counselor.

 

This forming intense bonds quickly is a hallmark of BPD. It's not just who you are, it's a symptom of your illness. No normal boundaries. You also objectify people. You use them to make yourself feel good with no thought of how others may feel or be affected by your behavior.

 

I really hope you don't marry your bf because it will end in disaster. You are too emotionally stunted to be able to have a healthy relationship. You should get at least a few years of therapy first.

 

Based on one of your more recent posts it seems that your bf doesn't know you cheated on him afterall. I get that you have a difficult time feeling empathy for other people but even if you don't fully understand why what you are doing is wrong, just please don't marry your bf.

[stillafool]

It's getting pretty annoying seeing people bringing up my boyfriend when he's completely irrelevant to the situation.

 

I'm sure if you told him you cheated he would find it relevant to your relationship. He was the one you were hurting.

[Alphaqueen]

I'm sure if you told him you cheated he would find it relevant to your relationship. He was the one you were hurting.

 

But the thing is... my post was about MY pain. My pain that was caused by my "friends". So I'm unsure why the fact that I'm hurting someone who wasn't even apart of my post is an issue. I wonder how the responses would be if I never mentioned him.

[Alphaqueen]

This forming intense bonds quickly is a hallmark of BPD. It's not just who you are, it's a symptom of your illness. No normal boundaries. You also objectify people. You use them to make yourself feel good with no thought of how others may feel or be affected by your behavior.

 

I really hope you don't marry your bf because it will end in disaster. You are too emotionally stunted to be able to have a healthy relationship. You should get at least a few years of therapy first.

 

Based on one of your more recent posts it seems that your bf doesn't know you cheated on him afterall. I get that you have a difficult time feeling empathy for other people but even if you don't fully understand why what you are doing is wrong, just please don't marry your bf.

 

I think you're right. I told him that I needed to talk to him and I'll break off the engagement.

[VeveCakes]

But the thing is... my post was about MY pain. My pain that was caused by my "friends". So I'm unsure why the fact that I'm hurting someone who wasn't even apart of my post is an issue. I wonder how the responses would be if I never mentioned him.

 

Of course it wouldn't be the exact same, but it would be close!

 

You need therapy, please seek help and don't date until you do.

[whichwayisup]

I wouldn't say that I deserve a "free pass" but my wrongdoings are much more understandable. My reasonings behind everything, including "cheating", are always justified. Want to know her reason for dating him? "It just kinda happened" in a nutshell. I believe in reasons and intentions. My intentions are never to hurt others and I always care a whole lot about my deed. Hers showed no care at all. We were both immoral I guess but the big difference is, mine was to fill a pain deep within me. Hers was, basically, just because. That's why I feel the way I do.

 

This is not healthy thinking. Two wrongs doesn't matter what the reasons are, neither or worse or better than the other. To compare them isn't doing you any good. You do NOT know her reasons, only she does. You can only assume.

[whichwayisup]

Of course it wouldn't be the exact same, but it would be close!

 

You need therapy, please seek help and don't date until you do.

 

Her boyfriend proposed to her.

 

It's getting pretty annoying seeing people bringing up my boyfriend when he's completely irrelevant to the situation.

 

No, he's a huge part of this. IF you were single then all the replies would be much different. You choosing to cheat on your bf to have a fwb is a huge part of this. It changes everything.

 

Glad to hear that you're considering calling off the engagement.

[preraph]

It's interesting how you can't empathize with your boyfriend or feel what you do isn't relevant where he's concerned. I think in addition to BPD, maybe a little narcissism in there and lack of empathy. And I do think your ego is what is really bugging you about this. You can't expect others to be empathetic of you if you aren't of them.

[stillafool]

But the thing is... my post was about MY pain. My pain that was caused by my "friends". So I'm unsure why the fact that I'm hurting someone who wasn't even apart of my post is an issue. I wonder how the responses would be if I never mentioned him.

 

No, the responses would be different if you were actually FWBs and had known each other longer than a week.

[Globug]

Well I have been lurking on these boards for awhile & I finally had to sign up and reply to this thread. Probably because I have a young son (22) and my heart bleeds for young people especially in the areas where they are trying to grow up, find themselves and figure out what love and friendship is all about. If I could just take over sometimes and help my son and his friends skip all the heartache I would do it in a heartbeat. Unfortunately to learn and grow you have to make mistakes and hurt.

 

 

Alphaqueen I hope you do not take anything I say as an attack on you because it is not. It is honestly years of experience with friendships, love, and life in general. First thing I want to address is you are very young (I am 40 so I am allowed to say that LOL) 19 is just the beginning of your life to figure out who you are, what you want and need in romantic relationships and in friendships so I sincerely ask you to reconsider marrying your boyfriend right now. You have a lot of self discovery to do before you tie yourself down to a man. ESPICALLY a man with children. To be 19 and agree to adopt children is taking on A LOT!!! And it stunts you from getting to have the most exciting years of self discovery of your life. Right now it sounds from all your post that you do not have high self esteem and you need a lot of attention to feel validated. That does NOT make you a bad person it just means you still have some growth to do in your life. With the way the world is these days it is so easy to look outside of ourselves to feel our self worth. If you take on two children you will find yourself very quickly shoved into "mom" role which means you as a person are put on the backburner. That is not fair do to someone so young. I have a step child who I love as my own but it is NOT an easy role in life and there are times you feel like an outsider or that the kids are more important & loved more. With the issues you are dealing with that will not help you overcome those issues. It will just make you feel worse about yourself & you deserve to get healthy. The goal in marriage is to find someone that YOU want to love and take care of & make their life better for the rest of your life. It is NOT about anything they can do for you. My Dad was a preacher & me & my husband had to go to pre-martial counseling before he would marry us. The first visit he gave us homework to list 10 reasons we wanted to marry the other. The following week we giddily turned in our homework.

1. He makes me laugh

2. She cares and is kind to my family.

3. He makes me feel beautiful

etc. etc. etc. My Dad read over our list of everything the other person did for the other & he said: "Both of you are not ready to get married."

 

 

We were properly offended. HELLO we had been together for four years!! How dare he tell us that. Then he went on to explain.

"Globug, there will be a day that he does not make you laugh or make you feel beautiful. The stress of a family, job, day to day life might wear him down & he will not be able to give you all he does now. What would be holding your marriage together then? Globug fiancée....what if something happens in your family that deeply hurts Globug and she can no longer care or be kind to your family? What then? Basically if you are marrying the other person for what they can do for you or to you then you are marrying with stipulations. Because as soon as they stop doing those things are you going to give up on the marriage? What if one of you were in a horrific accident and their face was scarred and they were in a wheelchair the rest of their life? Would you love them enough to stay with them, remain faithful? For better or worse? Those vows never put a stipulation or say" Well for worse UNLESS this happens. As someone so young I just don't want you to settle for something now just to set yourself up for more hurt, heartbreak and even divorce in your future.

 

 

Ok I KNOW you were done hearing about the boyfriend so I will move on now to the FWB and your best friend.

 

 

FWB regardless if you are in a relationship or not (because you already know that was wrong) is a very slippery slope. Us as women were made to be in relationships. We want it to feel loved, important, cherished and number one. And when we give ourselves physically to someone (esp if there is a friendship too) it bonds and attaches us to that person. IF you are going to have one of these people it is best to have them in your life JUST as a FWB. Not as a friend too because that is when you get hurt. Guys are more geared to just have sex and nothing more. Women, not so much. That is why it is called a booty call because you ONLY call these people for that one thing. Not to confide in them, or open your soul to them. That is what girlfriends are for.

 

 

So now onto your best friend. PLEASE PLEASE do not think I am being patronizing to you because I don't mean it this way BUT at your age a lot of young adults are just finding out what true friendships are about. I sometimes think the art of learning how to be a true friend and find good friends is more painful then finding a good guy. The fact that you felt jealousy toward your best friend due to her looks and there was a tiny bit of competition in your heart toward her just shows you two had not gotten to the point of true friendship. I am sure you two had a blast hanging out with each other & talking and sharing things but true friendship there is no jealousy, no competition, not one friend feeling less then the other. It's about two people loving each other unconditionally, lifting each other up, calling each other out when they are messing up, being loyal, honest, wanting the best for the other, and letting no one..ESPICALLY a man come between you.

 

 

Your friend hurt you because her words did not match her actions. She was dishonest to you and that is the crux of the matter. You figured out some of the feelings you were harboring toward her she was toward you too and it felt like she "WON"

 

 

In black and white she did not do anything wrong because he was not yours to own and you were in a relationship. But she broke the girl code. If you two had a healthy friendship she should have said: "Actually I am attracted to him too & yes if you are ok with it since you have a boyfriend I would like to see where this could go.

And if you had a healthy friendship with her and FWB you would ultimately just want them both to be happy. You would say: "Well that was fun for me when it lasted but I love my BF so I know it cannot turn into anything for me so I want them to have the best. I think he is great & I think she is great so good luck to both of them but dang it is going to be weird I have seen my best friend's guy naked!" LOLOL

Unfortunately that is not how it went down because nothing about any of the relationships rather it be with your BF, your FWB, or your GF was healthy.

I promise eventually the pain will fade & in the meantime work on yourself getting healthy so you can have healthy relationships. I am proud of you for getting in counseling. That is the first step! Based off the fact you have this need to be wanted, chosen, first and the attention you need to feel good about yourself makes me think your parents might have failed you. Otherwise you would be able to see yourself for the beautiful woman you are turning into & you will not need validation from people. Rough bump in your life but you are still growing up. I am sorry you are hurting but I hope you can take from this experience the areas you need to change, the type of friends you want and the type of friend you need to be.

Sorry for being so long winded. Keep us updated!