Does it Get any Harder than This?

[aolaolaol3]

I just kicked my 19 year old son out and I'm hurting so badly. He has been acting entitled for too long now. He's smart and got accepted to a decent college with intentions of becoming a mechanical engineer. He spent the first 3 semesters away in a dorm and failed every class because he wasn't putting forth the effort and hanging out mostly. He moved back home and attended a community college for one semester which, this time, he paid with his own money and failed every single class.

 

His excuse is that his mindset is not where it needs to be right now and he wants to take a year off of school and enjoy life. I think he's addicted to his phone-social media and texting mostly and cant concentrate or get anything done because of the distraction. I told him he needs to be an adult and work full time or two part time jobs and at least go to school part time. He works about 25 hours a week and can't pay all of his bills consistently. He refuses to get certain types of jobs like restaurant jobs or certain retail work. Sometimes, he gets help from his dad who feels guilty for messing up our marriage after 20 years so he gives in to practically anything he wants.

 

He has a "smart" mouth that he uses often with his dad and me. He wont' use foul language with us but some of his comments when being corrected can be rude or inappropriate.

 

He's also a mess and doesn't listen when asked to clean up after himself. I have to be on him constantly to get him to clean up. I finally had it and created a contract with him. The consequences were that he would be kicked out and/or the car I bought for him could be taken away. One of the things on the contract was that if he leaves he has to inform me that he's safe by text, phone or face to face.

 

Last night, I went to bed at midnight. We were all watching TV (his grandparents are visiting and his aunt and teenage cousins have live with us for about 6 mos now). When I woke up this morning we were wondering where he was. I texted and called him and after many many attempts, he texted, "ma, i'm sleeping". After reminding him of the contract, I calmly told him to bring the car home and pack his bags and leave. (I bought the car and told him it would be taken away if he doesn't follow through with his responsibilities. He argues that since he pays the gas, insurance and repairs, he shouldn't have this restriction). He tried to defend himself with excuses but I didn't hear it.

 

It was so painful but I felt I had to do it. He came home walked right past me, packed his stuff and sat out in the driveway. My mom was sobbing and called my sister who lives about a half hour away and asked her to take him in temporarily and she obliged. I found out that he was crying saying he had no place to go. All that after he kept arguing with me many times in the past that his friends would always be there for him.

 

My oldest son helped me to feel better by telling me he needed this to learn to grow up and to respect me as a parent/person since he hasn't been doing this. My sister who lives with me told me I was wrong to kick him out with no car and no place to go. I'm torn. I plan to take him back after about a week or so but right now he's not accepting responsiblity for what he did and appears to be so mad at me I don't know if he will even ask to come back. I'm wondering if anyone understands my predicament and what advice can you give to someone in my position

Edited December 31, 2016 by aolaolaol3

[Whodatdog]

Hard for you, but I feel you did the right thing. You've given him many chances, and he's chosen to flunk out of school and take advantage of what you've given him. He has to learn sooner or later that he is responsible for himself. Sooner wont be as painful as later will be. Maybe now he'll be forced to focus on making some responsible decisions. Those restaurant jobs might start looking a little better when he has to pay his bills.

[Tayla]

how sad... For each person.

 

Encourage vs discouraging.

[mikeylo]

I don't think you handled it properly. You are the adult and he is 19. He is paying for insurance etc and kicking him out was a bit too much I guess. It seems like you made this contract only as a reason to kick him out on the first instance. Is he your own son or step son?

[aolaolaol3]

He's my son. But I've been having this type of trouble with him since he was 15/16 and he won't accept responsibility for his actions. I really need him to grow up before he does something he regrets. I'm trying to avoid him getting lazy. He's already told me he's a millennial and that that's the way kids in this generation are today. That was my red flag. I told myself I had to do something.

 

He always has excuses and feels like it should be accepted, good or bad. He is never wrong and will argue you down if you tell him that. He has been disrespectful to his dad and me and won't see how if anyone he should respect most it's us because we were the ones there for him no matter what. If we call him he makes sure we know its interrupting his world or he ignores our text and answers it only when he's ready or when he wants something. Anyone-absolutely anyone else, and they are treated with respect. My parents, his aunts and cousins criticize his behavior behind his back to each other and talk about his rudeness, messiness, leaving at all hours, etc. I keep having to defend him when he's out of earshot but try to make him see how he needs to change when we're in private. He says he doesn't care. He's not living for anyone but himself.

 

I have told him numerous times I don't like him leaving at all hours of the night. Too many times we've noticed the door was left unlocked or the security alarm wasn't on. He's careless. I get that but I shouldn't have to pay the price for that.

 

In the contract I made with him, I told him he must start respecting his parents. I told him at this time in our lives a relationship with us is a privilege not an entitlement. If he disrespects me, I will not speak to him. That one had worked so far because he started using a better tone and answering my calls.

 

He has racked up tons of toll charges that's in his dads name and hasn't been paying for it despite my constant reminders. (The car is in his dad's name but I paid for it.) I fear the consequence the government will place when they've had it. He doesn't seem to care because it's not on his name but when he got 2 speeding tickets and they threatened to suspend his license if it wasn't paid, his dad personally took him to clear it AND paid for it with the intent that he would pay him back. That has yet to happen. His dad is not aware of the severity of the tolls issue (yet) since he doesn't get the mail.

 

He would get paid and spend most of his money on junk food and if I don't yell or threaten or literally go in his account and take what he owes me for a bill or for the money to pay his school, it will be spent. It's funny, when he was 17 he had to make a budget where he would spend a third, save two thirds. Now that he knows I no longer have control, he doesn't care about savings or paying his bills.

 

I love him dearly but he needs to act like an adult. I don't have the resources for him to "take a break" from adult life until he acquires the adult-like mindset. I don't think I would be doing him any favors if I accepted this behavior especially with the mindset he already has about being a millennial.

 

I wondered if he was testing me to see if I would have followed through with the consequence. I felt I had to. Since he's turned 18, the consequences I can use are very limited and he knows it. My hands are tied. I felt like I had to follow through or the long conversation and contract we had was moot and we'd be back to square one. If anyone has any other ideas, I'd love to hear it.

[Whodatdog]

If more parents were like you.....

 

He's had more than enough time to straighten up on his own. Its been his choice to act like a spoiled rotten kid. Life wont get any easier for him. You are giving him a chance to grow up. He will thank you later.

[LargoLagg]

1/1/2017 20:38 GMT

 

The absolute worst thing you can do it take him back. I'd be willing to be that you're one of those parents who punishes, then withdraws the punishment. He probably went to a public school that told him if he didn't turn in his homework it would count against him. Then they let him turn it in late. And take "make-up" tests, etc. etc. If so, that is why he has no idea what consequences look like. If your sister is willing to put him up and put up with his crap, then you can enjoy your son while she takes all the abuse.

 

What you should do is to invite him over for dinner, and tell him you want to help him plan his education-less future. Start having him create his very first adult budget. Make dinner a weekly thing. Make it a happy thing. Don't invite him to spend the night. Let him tell you about his progress. Give him some leftovers. Show him some love, then show him the door.

 

He's going to need a place to stay, clothing, a car, etc... all that stuff that costs money. That means he's going to need a job, and it's going to be a crappy one, and well, you know the rest.

 

It's his life now. You can't save him by rescuing him. He needs to change from within. Now that he's out of your house, you can afford to be gracious. When he tells you or implies that you owe him food, shelter and clothing, explain to him that he's an adult and adults either take care of themselves, or they find somebody to take care of them, and it won't be you.

 

As for the tickets, give them to him when he arrives. Tell him he has to notify them about his change of address. Don't judge and don't worry. They'll find him.

 

Don't negotiate a return to subsidized living until AFTER he begins to take care of himself. Let him get a job, buy a car, do whatever it is that he needs to do. Once he's fully responsible, then you might start a conversation about how it would be better for him to have an education.

 

This will take some time.

Edited January 1, 2017 by LargoLagg

[MuddyFootprints]

Sure it does. Throw an unequipped kid on the street and sit back and watch how bad it gets.

 

Freshman year is a challenge for the most adept kids.

 

Adulting can be hard for the best of us. Getting our kids safely across that threshold is some of the most difficult adulting we have to do as parents.

 

He's 19. He pissed you off.

 

Ah, if only our job were done at a designated age.

[basil67]

I know this is tough, but have a look at you and your husband have contributed to this.

 

He's been acting out for years....yet you bought him a car. Nice reward for bad behaviour. Do you realise that buying him a car only encouraged the entitled attitude? He has no need to work when he gets the good things in life handed to him on a plate. Did you buy his clothes too?

 

What if you'd expected him to work and save for his car? Have the car in his name and be personally responsible for the tickets he's receiving. Think about it.

[aolaolaol3]

I do believe as parents we have contributed to the entitled attitude to an extent. There were times when we gave him things but we also made him take care of himself when he could. For example, we did buy his clothes until he started working at 17 then he had to buy his own. We bought the car for him to use because he was attending a charter school his senior until mid morning (the school provided no transportation). Right after he finished, he went straight to a dual enrollment tech school for engineering then did another dual enrollment at the state college where he took two college courses twice per week plus he had a part time job. His schedule was hectic and so was ours and public transportation in our area would not get him to any of his classes on time. This was a necessity and he wasn't making enough money to buy his own car at the time so we did it with the knowledge that the car was ours and not his.

 

When he went off to college his freshman year, the car stayed with us. He had to rely on public transportation then. When he moved back home, he used the car to get to work and school but he had to pay for his own gas, insurance and repairs. The entitled behavior in the case with the car comes where he kept telling us that if he pays for these things for the car it should be his. I keep telling him that if someone loaned me his car to use, of course, I would be responsible for paying for gas, insurance and repairs if I'm using it everyday, but I would also know that car is not mine. He just doesn't get this. But then again, he doesn't get anything adults tell him that makes sense. It's like talking to a brick wall.

Edited January 2, 2017 by aolaolaol3

[aolaolaol3]

He has no need to work when he gets the good things in life handed to him on a plate. .

 

Very true.

[anika99]

I feel for you. I too kicked my oldest son when he was just eighteen. He wasn't going to school, wasn't working, and had developed an attitude of constant contempt and hostility towards myself and his little brother. Still kicking him out was awful! He managed and he did pull himself together but he hated me for many years and I still feel sad about it until this day. It happened 14 yrs ago. If I had it to do all over again I don't think I would have handled it that way however a lot of people thought I did the right thing.

 

I will say that it's a mistake to kick him out and then let him come back a week later. What's the point of that? Nobody changes in one week. My son struggled and floundered for a couple of years before he grew up enough to find his footing. If you're just going to let him come home right away then you should have never kicked him out in the first place. Why go through all this pain and drama for nothing?

[jnel921]

AOL...

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this as well. My 19 year D has been difficult over the years as well. However she smokes pot and hangs out with people who are going nowhere in life.

 

We kicked her out last year and she was home within a week and we thought maybe she'd be different. Things only got worse.

 

Last year we invested in her future, an education she chose, a car she needed only to find out she quit her job and then decided she'd rather hang out and be in the street then finish school.

 

We used to have a contract when it came to her phone. We used to pay for it and one day in September when she broke the rules she left the house again. My H went to her friends house where she was staying and she returned it but it was not before she smashed it into a wall so that we'd have to pay for damages.

 

My D is at a point where I believe she doesn't know what she wants but I am sure she will realize that not everyone is willing to help her.

 

It's been almost a month since she left and I will not ask her to come home. If she ever asks me then we would have a very serious discussion about the conditions that she would have to sign. She would need to be clear about the direction in life she wants to go in.

 

I like you did all I could for my D. but if they don't want to go to school, listen, and be disrespectful there is only so much we can take.

 

I think it was big of your sister to take him in, but he shouldn't rely on staying there or even going back to your house unless there are some seriously agreed terms.

 

I have gotten a lot of good advice and I don't know if my D will ever get what she has put me through both emotionally and financially. You expect your kids to respect your rules and if you are paying for school. Go and pass. Too many kids these days are distracted with things that are not good for them. But they have to learn hard lessons.

 

I know you are hurting. I am as well. But I have to think about my own well being. Getting upset and worrying all of the time isn't healthy.

 

Your son will realize what it is you brought into his life. Its up to him to decide if he appreciates that and will do the right thing to either accept it and move forward doing the right thing or continue to rebel and try to show you that he can do it on his own.

 

Its a shame that doing for our kids, or at least providing for our kids creates this kind of mindset of entitlement. If a parent doesn't do anything then you are accused of neglect. Its like you cant win.

 

But give your son time to think about his actions. Think about if you really want him back. He may do what my D did after the first time. Every time she got in trouble her answer was to get up and leave. This last time I told her I had packed her things and she wasn't coming back.

 

Eventually it becomes a game to them. You did what you could do for him. He will have to figure out the rest on his own.

Edited January 2, 2017 by jnel921

[bunny12345]

I have to give you a lot of credit....tough love is, well, tough. As parents though, we should have unconditional love for our children and it's important to make sure your son knows that you will love him no matter what. And it's because we love our kids that we want them to succeed and reach their full potential. Someone had a great idea to have him over for dinner on a regular schedule. Open communication is key. I hope that your sister is charging him something for rent, to let him stay there for free would be enabling. Curious, too, if he pays for his own phone? Hang in there!!!

[FastHands]

IMHO I don't think I'd ever kick out a family member because you are blood related. People go through phases and unfortunately they don't necessarily listen to you, because they have gotten bad habits-Bad friends, bad advices, listened to tv-music and picked up bad actions. We can always hope it's temporary and never long term.

 

One also brings up their children with so much bonding love that it's so painful watch them go down bad. Its really up to the son/daughter to reach out and connect to a parent when they are confused or rebellious.

I think there has to be a way to talk, connect and enlighten him so that both of you can move forward.

 

Ultimately, life changes and so does thinking. When one is very old, life's little details don't matter as much. What matters is how much you loved, How many people remember you and enriched your life- mostly your children, family members and close friends.

Edited January 21, 2017 by FastHands

[aolaolaol3]

I thought I'd provide an update on what has occurred since my post requesting advice.

 

The next day, I texted him to tell him Happy New Year and that even though things happened the way they did, I still loved him but was doing what I felt was best. We ended up discussing the issue via text. Long story short, he was able to come back home with the intention that the contract still stands and that I will NOT hesitate to follow through if he breaks it again. It's been three weeks now and since then he has made certain to follow the contract. When he will be late/out, I am aware of it, he speaks to me with respect, he's been more careful with his money, etc. and OMG, my house has even stayed clean without me having to tell him to clean up after himself. So far so good and I pray that things continue this way.

 

After it occurred, I sought professional help through counseling. The sessions helped me to see that every child/situation is unique and there is no ONE right or wrong answer. I'm glad I did what I did although it was one of the worst feelings it brought me. My main concern was my son and helping him to grow and become a better person.

 

Since then, our relationship has actually improved. He actually talks to me more (and with respect). I expect him to make mistakes and will be there for him when he does but where disrespect is concerned, that's one area where there will be no negotiation.