Jealous of husband's young flirty blonde secretary

[newmum]

I am very jealous of my husband's 20 year old skinny flirty blonde secretary. I am out of my mind with jealousy and don't know what to do. She started in Jan this year and apparently is the perfect secretary. He spoke about her a lot because she was new and they worked closely. I was jealous but didn't want to say anything to him because I was feeling a bit depressed about still being over weight 9 months post baby and was causing a little strain on our marriage. Myhusband is 29 year old version of Brad Pitt and I have had to put up with many women throwing themselves at him before, but this secretary is getting under my skin.

 

I finally met her in May and this is what happened which made me suspect that she had a crush on my husband:

- he invited me to lunch with his office including her and she would barely talk to me (only with the guys)

- she will not smile or say hello to me if she sees me in the street or if I am picking him up from work

- she is very nervous and quick with me on the phone

- I have seen her flirt with other married men from their organisation e.g. ruffling their hair

 

I confronted him about the above and he admitted that he thought she may have had a crush on him in the beginning but didn't think she did now. He told me he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to upset me and would handle it. He admitted that it was stupid of him not to tell me because now it was causing me more pain. He said that he was always careful with her and would never be alone with her or encourage her. But of course they do socialise in the same work friends group.

 

Even though we sorted throught the issue together I am still insanely jealous and it is making me crazy. I am constantly trying to look fabulous, be skinny and the perfect wife to compete with her. My husband says he is not interested in her but I can't help but think I have to be on the ball all the time just in case. He mentions her name when talking about work and I go crazy. ANY HINTS ON HOW TO STOP THIS CRAZY JEALOUSY???? AM I CRAZY?

[jmargel]

You have no proof that he is doing anything with her. Let her try all she wants but her showing frustration at you is a good sign. She's not getting anywhere with him. And the fact that he's invited you to these office things with her being there is a good thing as well.

 

I was an Information Technology Director for a large county here in PA. I had my own assistant who was a very good looking red-headed woman. Guys would make jokes that I hired her because of her looks, but it wasn't. It was her personality. The stress there was bad at times and having to deal with all sort of problems, she could easily put a person's guard down with just a smile.

 

Her and I never got personal with each other. Never flirted, etc. I would imagine your husband like me has too much respect for his position and for his own self diginity to allow that to happen. Plus he is married to you. Her being this way however to you is a sign of disrespect and if he is her boss, then he needs to bring it up to her. What she does with other men really has no impact. If she's a flirt, so what, let her be. It takes two to tango. He sees her how she is. Why is he going to jeopardize his position over a 20 year old?

 

When I worked with Lisa, I considered her a friend. The most I ever did for her was to take her out to lunch for her birthday and we exchanged xmas presents (she would get me a gift card for a restuarant that I liked and I would get her things like a nice clock for her desk). Nothing romantic.

 

Trust him with his intelligence. One of the most insulting things I ever heard my ex-fiancee say was that 'I would never let you hire a female assistant'. If I am smart enough to hold a position like I am, then I am smart enough to hire who I think is best qualified, plus the fact that even though I'd be working with her most of the day that my heart is in the right place and insulting my character by implying that I am going to cheat is just totally wrong.

 

And thing is, if he was ever stupid enough to cheat you'll catch him. And then it's better to find out now about who he really is then 10-20 years from now. But for now I wouldn't worry to much. Just don't tell him he needs to fire her, etc. He's with you because he wants to be with you. He loves you, remember that and when you start thinking bad thoughts force yourself to concentrate on a really good memory you've had with him.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by newmum

I am very jealous of my husband's 20 year old skinny flirty blonde secretary.

I think your jealousy is justified cause many times the husband runs off with the sexy secretary or admin asst.

[whichwayisup]

You can't control what she does or thinks, but your husband can control what he does. All he has to do is not play the game back with her. Explain to her that she is HIS secretary and they have to be professional.

 

If he finds her attractrive, that is not a slight against you. That doesn't mean he is going to jump her at the office or outside of the office.

 

Unless he comes home stinking of perfume and has lipstick marks on his collar, try not to stress out over this. I know, easier said than done, but have some faith in him.

 

How is your relationship in general? Does he treat you well? Is your sex life good? Is he a family man or does he stay out late after work? If all seems good in the marriage and you can discuss things openly with him, again, try not to worry.

[TUDOR]

This is why I chose a secretary that was older than my mom. I don't need that kind of temptation staring me down at work.

 

Newmum, all you can do is have faith in your relationship and that your hubby will do the right thing. But you can't go around thinking the worst all the time or it will eat you up inside and make things hard for you and the hubby. The last thing you need to do is send him off to work resenting you with his little barbie assistant there to console him.

[Lonestar]

The quickest and most efficient way to make another woman who is a 7-8 look like a 10 in your husband's eyes is to let him know that you are jealous and intimidated by this girl. Hell if you see something so special in her that it's making you this crazy jealous, then it won't be long before your husband picks up on the same thing and then bangs her in the office during late hours. Many times when people get accused of something they're not doing over and over again, they eventually figure they might as well really be guilty of the imagined sin.

 

In other words, do not let your husband know again that this woman bothers you. You are better than her, he's with you. Hold you head up high and don't give this little girl a second thought. Okay, we know you will, but don't let your husband know. If you get annoyed with her flirting, take her out to lunch alone one day, or arange to met up with her on the street. Tell her straight out to stop flirting with your husband or you'll sabotage her employment. If she tells anyone about the coversation, deny the whole thing and make her look insane. Gaslight the floozy.

[Aimée]

Lonestar, that was a pretty interesting post.

[New_Wife]

Newmum, I don't really think this is about the secretary. Superficially it is, but from what I read in your post - this is about you.

 

You don't feel pretty, or sexy or young after having a baby.

 

That happens to a lot of us. Especially if you ended up with hemroids (sp?) stretch marks, vericose veins, or any of those other "gifts" that just keep on giving. The extra weight never makes us feel sexy either.

 

My suggestion to you is threefold (which may not be a real word, but I'm going with it).

 

1. Get some new clothes, in your current size, that make you feel pretty. Go vibrant sunny colors, cute sandals, paint your toenails, etc. I know it's hard with a new baby - but trust me, it says "hey, my body is worth pampering, and I'm gonna do it!" Before you start to rag on your looks as opposed to your imagined competition, look at the beautiful human being YOUR BODY brought into this world. Look at what your body can do! Be proud of that!

 

2. Gently work into a workout routine, but recognize that you now have a woman's body, no longer a girls. You can take nice stroller walks with the baby, do some sit-ups, whatever at your own pace to make yourself feel better (both physically, and it releases a buttload of dopamine for your mental state). But your hips are now gonna be a little wider (more womanly & sexy, IMO), and other changes occur. Nothing wrong with a ripe sexy curvy body. Learn to like it.

 

3. VAMP. Girl, it doesn't matter what size you are. Have you ever seen those big girls that dress to the nines and swing those monster hips side to side when they walk? Nice shoes, good toes, nice hair, glossy lips...they think they're all that. And you know what? They probably are! You need to give yourself an attitude makeover and look at the good, not the bad. If you simply cannot do this - perhaps a counselor will help you adjust to your new and improved self.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by New_Wife

3. VAMP. Girl, it doesn't matter what size you are.

Sorry NEW_WIFE, but I beg to differ....

[New_Wife]

I was talking about for her self-esteem, not your personal viewing pleasure, silly.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by newmum

I am constantly trying to look fabulous, be skinny and the perfect wife to compete with her.

 

Good!

 

Honey, you chose to live with Brad Pitt so you have to deal with all the girls who flirt with him. But even Brad Pitt seems committed and faithful to a woman that was not a sex symbol at all, but we must admit started looking much better after she got hooked with him.

 

Lonestar is completely right, you may not show him you're jealous of her. My mom told me exactly the same thing many years ago.

 

If you trust him then his looks shouldn't scare you.

[loony]

New_Wife, that was also a very good post.

[newmum]

Gee thanks everyone. Just reading your thoughts makes me feel better.

 

Jmargel - I'm so glad that you posted your reply. Thank you!!!!!! It was very insightful and good to hear your perspective. My husband seems like he is handling the situation the way you did with your assistant. I need to work on trusting him and trusting the strength of our relationship more.

 

new_wife - I agree with you. I know that I need to work on me. I have been working out and doing weight watchers. I have dropped from a size 14 to a size 10. My little secret weapon was thinking about the secretary whenever I didn't want to exercise or when I was tempted with treats!!!! My wardrobe still needs an overhaul, but most of all my confidence needs a big overhaul!!

[newmum04]

Update: I joined the gym for 12 months. Can you believe on my second day (2 Aug) there his secretary walks in and gets on the treadmill in front of me? Out of the 4 gyms in our local area we are in the same one. Unbelieveable?

 

There she was looking perfect and running on the treadmill. I nearly died but sucked it up and kept walking very fast. When she finished she didn't say hi and went to weights area and started doing her stretching and sit ups in the weights area whilst chatting flirtily to some guys doing weights. I retrieted to the cool down area upstairs and then snuck out of the gym when I was finished.

 

No I didn't say hello to her either as I was in too much shock that we are members of the same gym. Since seeing her yesterday I have been a little miserable. Seeing her made me feel incompetent. I know I am going to the gym to feel better about myself but it is hard seeing her there in her skimpy outfit. The same skimpy outfit she wears when she plays tennis with my husband and his workmates every Thursday.

 

I'm trying to tell myself - don't worry about her. Go to the gym for your benefit.

[AndrewJ]

Try squirting some oil on her tread mill

 

or loosen the bolts on her weight machine.......only kidding.

 

 

That must suck real bad.....god damn blonde secretaries

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by newmum04

There she was looking perfect and running on the treadmill.

 

 

Damn..That reminds me.. Time to renew the membership and go look for a new secretary.

[newmum]

I ran into her again when I picked my husband up from Tennis. She came up to me and said she heard I was at her gym.

 

For the first time ever she was friendly to me (and I am sure it was because my husband was there). She was sickly sweet and kindly offered to help me out with the equipment if I needed a hand. It felt very patronizing!

 

My husband told her I joined that gym so I am a little annoyed that he is telling her my business when he knows how I feel about her. But I suppose that when you are at work you can't help talking about that kind of stuff.

 

Oh well. Off to the gym after work again today. I bought a new outfit for gym to cheer myself up.

[Neptune]

Reminds me of a lightning storm. Either you are going to get struck or not. All the fear in the world won`t change it. And you have no contol over it. So, you accept that at any moment it may happen. Then relax and get on with the moment. No doubt, the worst thing is to be troubled about this situation and let it get to you. just take care of yourself and be the best you can be and get on with your life.

[geeeelliiii]

You have a husband and a child. I find it hard to believe that a woman your age, with so much on her plate, really devotes this much time envying a secretary from your husband's work. It's pitiful. If you can't trust your husband, then you shouldn't have married him. Plain and simple.

[newmum04]

Hey I think I have every right to be concerned about her.

 

Just last night my husband said that yesterday the secretary had obviously listened in on a private conversation he was having about me with his boss. This conversation was about me having a job interview at the same organisation. It was suppose to be kept under wraps so that the recruitment process was fair and impartial.

 

The secretary later on mentioned what she overheard to everyone in the lunch room. When my husband told her it was none of her business she said it was her job to know these things.

 

Whilst I acknowledge I have self esteem issues that I am dealing with, I think I have every right to be concerned about her inappropriate behaviour when my husband tells me things like this.

 

My husband and I do talk about this issue and he acknowledge's that she is a concern sometimes. I can honestly say it's not about me not trusting him.

[PatientOne]

The secretary later on mentioned what she overheard to everyone in the lunch room. When my husband told her it was none of her business she said it was her job to know these things.

 

I think your husband needs a new secretary. Perhaps one that knows her place and has understands the concept of confidentiality. How did he react to her telling him what her business was?

[passingby]

Your husband has said she listens to his private conversations and then blabs teh information around the office. A secretary should not be doing that - PERIOD. It is NOT her responsibility to blab what she overhears around the office. Nor should she be talking to you or your husband in anything but a businesslike and professional manner. Sure, some small talk is okay, but snooping when he's on the phone, running up to you outside the office and babbling about the gym you belong to? A simple hello and an introduction (if you have not already been introduced) would have been sufficient. Your H may be as uncomfortable with her as you are.

 

Having said that, I don't think you should do anything. As wierd, stupid and immature as the girl is, as unprofessional and unprepared as she is as it relates to the position for which she was hired, it really is your husband's decision to make as to whether she should be fired or not.

 

You have told him how you feel about her and what you think about the way she acts. Ball is in his court now.

 

Just keep the communication lines open, be aware, but be a lady, and let him handle his own business matters. Sounds like her snooping and blabbing what she heard probably bothered him a great deal. My bet is she won't last long around there anyhow. She doesn't sound like she's got the maturity and intelligence to handle her job.

[New_Wife]

Nah, next time you see her there, give her your brightest smile and say "Hey! I thought that was you here last week! Don't you just look cute! Such a small world" or something like that.

 

No better way of disarming someone than making them your friend, M'Dear.

[RecordProducer]

The secretary later on mentioned what she overheard to everyone in the lunch room. When my husband told her it was none of her business she said it was her job to know these things.

 

At least you don't have a reason to be jealous of her anymore. She is now his "enemy". Instead of saying she is sorry and she didn't know it was a secret or something like that, she opposed him.

 

Don't attack her. You will ruin his impression of her being a bitch. If you talk against her, he will defend her. Just don't mention her unless he mentions her and agree with everything he says about her.

[whichwayisup]

You have a husband and a child. I find it hard to believe that a woman your age, with so much on her plate, really devotes this much time envying a secretary from your husband's work. It's pitiful. If you can't trust your husband, then you shouldn't have married him. Plain and simple.

 

Yeah nice advice! Real helpful.

 

Just last night my husband said that yesterday the secretary had obviously listened in on a private conversation he was having about me with his boss. This conversation was about me having a job interview at the same organisation. It was suppose to be kept under wraps so that the recruitment process was fair and impartial.

 

The secretary later on mentioned what she overheard to everyone in the lunch room. When my husband told her it was none of her business she said it was her job to know these things.

 

She put herself in a stupid situation, she heard the conversation she should have kept it to herself. She has made herself look untrustworthy now and it's her work reputation that is online and probably will be questioned. It is not her job to know these things and she knows it. She's nosey and being unprofessional now.

 

Whilst I acknowledge I have self esteem issues that I am dealing with, I think I have every right to be concerned about her inappropriate behaviour when my husband tells me things like this.

 

Yes, be concerned but know he isn't going to start anything intimate with her. He'd be real dumb to do that at work.

 

My husband and I do talk about this issue and he acknowledge's that she is a concern sometimes. I can honestly say it's not about me not trusting him.

 

OK, try this. Ask him now how much he trusts her after what she did. Overhearing a conversation that was not meant to be heard, and she blabbed it all over. Is she a real valued employee? Can she really be trusted with crucial information? No, ofcourse not.

 

I think he's just enjoying the fact another woman is showing interest in her, and he isn't thinking of what happens around him. She feeds his ego and that is it.