Meeting ex husband for lunch tomorrow

[benpom]

We have been together 10 years, about to finalize divorce now.

 

I have never cheated, but I have done things I am not proud of during our relationship, like losing temper and being vengeful.

 

Before we met, he named a musical instrument after an ex. A week into our relationship, he brought up the name of the instrument. I asked about the origin of the name, and he said it was an ex. He talked about their relationship and he seemed kind of fond of it. I felt hurt, because at that point, I was already falling for him, and I thought of him as someone I might potentially marry one day and spend a life time with. I broke up with him that evening. He apologized next morning and we got back together. (A side note, he left out the fact that she had a boyfriend at that time. Had I known that he knowingly got involved in a treating relationship, I would not have got back with him. On the other hand, he has become a much better in the last few years.)

 

I don't know if I overreacted. To deviate from the main topic a bit, I used to date a guy who showed me pictures of his exes, but it did not bother me a bit. I was actually very happy, because I was not quite into him and I did not want him to commit to me more than I was willing to commit to him.

 

Back to the main topic. He removed the name and stopped playing the musical instrument afterwards. Later, I said he could play the instrument, so he did right away. It offended me because it seemed that he wanted to play the instrument all along and he was just waiting for my permission. Like he really was not troubled by the pain he gave me at all.

 

I thought I forgave him, but the pain and mistrust from that incident kept coming back to haunt me. We had fights over this issue a lot. He gave me silent treatment every time. Sometimes, I got really frustrated and wanted out of the relationship, then he would say he did not have any feelings for her left. Sometimes, he would lock himself up and tell me he just wanted to kill himself.

 

After we got married, we had the same fight again. He said he still had feelings for her the first two years we were dating. We almost got divorced over this. He said he did not expect this to bother me because now that we are married, the marriage commitment should prove his loyalty.

 

A year ago, we had fight over this issue again. This time, he said he had feelings for her even after we got married. He said he was still thinking about sleeping with her. I was shocked to hear that. I felt really betrayed and disrespected, sad and angry. He is the only person I have chosen to have physical relationship with, and this just amplified the pain I was feeling. After seeing how angry I got, he said he lied about it. He said he made the false confession because I was already convinced. He said he felt like the only choice was to confess and ask for forgiveness. I am not sure what to believe.

 

Afterwards that fight, our relationship just spiraled down the drain. I did not handle my anger issue well. He could not put up with me and filed for divorce. To be fair, I should point out that he tried very hard to save our marriage before filing for divorce. I was the one who gave up first.

 

To this day, we have been separated for almost half a year and just waiting for the divorce to finalize. During this time, I have been to therapists and also been thinking what went wrong between us. I realized that my root problem was the tendency to bottle up negative feelings. For me, I was the type who liked to hide flaws and weaknesses. I used to get very defensive if someone saw my weakness. I was not good at communicating negative thoughts, like sadness, fear, jealousy or weakness. I rarely asked for others to help me. I was taught to not ask for what I want. I always shoved my negative feelings inward, but my discontent always revealed itself in one form or another, sometimes video game addiction, sometimes bad temper. During those times, I did not even realize it. As the person closest to me, my hidden discontent hurt him often, and he did not always know why, because I would not tell him or admit to him my problems. These habits slowly ate away my patience and happiness. Being a stay-at-home mother for a few years and not getting the respect I used to get from work also caused some depression and anxiety. (I am certainty very thankful that he gave me the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mother.)

 

He is the type who likes to avoid problems. He gets defensive when someone points out weaknesses or wrongdoings about him. With our personalities together, we both just gave up communicating about discontent over time. Sometimes, I would just blow up on him, leaving him clueless.

 

A few months ago, he said he hates me. I know I hurt him deeply. I did not control my temper, and I was very vengeful for some time. Among many hurtful things I did, one thing was that I told him I never loved him. I said this not just because I was angry, but also because I was actually never sure what is love. It's kind of like I knew I loved him, but I could not feel it. I did not feel mad deep crazy passion and I did not feel a connection. Thinking back, I think it's due to the mistrust and lack of good communication. In fact, prior to our separation, we had some best times in our relationship since finally I could be honest with him and tell him everything I wanted, liked and disliked. Of course, we also had the worse times in our relationship.

 

His friends said that he was head over heels for me. My friends said he is as loyal as someone can be. I can tell he used to care about me. He was always available when I needed him. His plans for future always included me. As far as I know, he did not have affair or flirt with anyone while we were dating or married. He is a great father. Our children love him very much. Today, while we were picking up / dropping off kids, I saw him playing with the kids. He was smiling. He was wearing the shirt we bought when we were on a big vocation years ago. He looked so kind and handsome that I had the urge to go hug and kiss him. I know it's not appropriate, but I cannot control what I feel.

 

My emotions are just going roller coaster lately. Most of the time, I can find inner peace in heart. But sometimes, I still feel the pain from 'betrayal' (I think using the word betrayal is probably exaggerated). How do I stop the pain? It is literally damaging my health. It also distracts me sometimes. I really wish I could just get rid of the pain and not let it get in way of taking care of children and building up career.

 

I still love him. I have heard from others that he still loves me, but does not trust me and he doesn't believe I can change. We have children together, and I want to make things work between us, partially because of the children, partially because I still love him.

 

I want to reconcile, but he doesn't. After how I treated him in the past year and the on/off pattern in the past, I might have become the source of his pain. It's probably easier for him to move on and start fresh. But sometimes, I want to try to convince him to give another try because our children want us to get back together. Any thoughts? Is there a chance for us to reconcile in future? I know no matter what I do, the decision is not in my hand. But what should I do? Should I just let life sort it out or should I put effort into amending our relationship? How?

Edited August 15, 2016 by benpom
add info

[Miss Clavel]

what matters now, what happens now is that your are getting divorced.

 

you will be single. you will be a single women with children.

 

you will pass your emotional immaturity and crippling insecurity down to your children if you don't get help changing your life.

 

stop the cycle.

[Arieswoman]

benpom,

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

It seems to me that you fell in love with a man who didn't love you or respect you that much because he wasn't "over" his ex. it seems he had other issues with depression as well.

 

I want to reconcile, but he doesn't.

 

Ask yourself why you would want to be back in this negative, destructive relationship?

 

Please take this time to do some work on yourself, develop some healthy self-esteem and be the best parent you can be.

 

You need to accept that it's over and move forward.

 

Good luck. x

[benpom]

We started a lengthy legal battle almost a year ago, and signed divorce decree a few days ago. He seemed to really hate me during this legal battle.

 

We have young children together and we both center our lives around them. He did not want a divorce, but I was not willing to work on marriage issues so he filed it. I did not want a divorce either. I just did not know how we could resolve our problems.

 

Over the last few months of separation, I realized lots of my own problems and more importantly did some self-improvement. I believe we can make it work as long as he is willing to.

 

Over the last few days, we have gone from not speaking to each other to him happily spending playtime with children and me together at my place. My works deals with life and death, and I often get worried about his safety and children's safety when I don't hear from them for a long period of time. I stopped trying to get him back a while ago since he refused to communicate with me. Now, I am getting my underlying hopes up again. What do I do? We are at the stage of about to divide up our properties. Neither of us has made a step to actually put it in action yet. I fear if we start dividing things up, it will create some acrimony and make getting back together harder. On the other hand, if I ask him if he would consider reconciliation, I am afraid this is not the right time and I might just push him away.

[benpom]

When we were playing with children together today, we talked a little. There was no awkwardness or coldness. He seemed pretty comfortable at my place. He spent a lot longer time at my place than he initially said. He even brought a small present for children.

 

Is it a bad idea I am getting my hopes up again?

[Pete2304]

Do you still love him? As in really love him or are you just terrified of the finality? From what you've written, I'm guessing you're allowing yourself to gloss over the bad parts but I'm also guessing you never stopped loving him?

 

Small people are one hell of a bond between two people. I've experienced a similar situation and there's those moments when you are all together and you think this is how it should have been. Probably (as ever!) I'm going to say the opposite of the majority of replies you will get and suggest having the conversation with him or even just keeping the divorce on hold a little while (easy excuses, solicitors take forever to do anything) and spending some more time as a family and see what happens. What have you got to lose?

[benpom]

Do you still love him? As in really love him or are you just terrified of the finality? From what you've written, I'm guessing you're allowing yourself to gloss over the bad parts but I'm also guessing you never stopped loving him?

 

Small people are one hell of a bond between two people. I've experienced a similar situation and there's those moments when you are all together and you think this is how it should have been. Probably (as ever!) I'm going to say the opposite of the majority of replies you will get and suggest having the conversation with him or even just keeping the divorce on hold a little while (easy excuses, solicitors take forever to do anything) and spending some more time as a family and see what happens. What have you got to lose?

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

Yes, I certainly still do love him.

 

He has been sick a lot in the past year and he looks like he has aged a lot since we separated. It makes me sad to see him this way. I really wish I can be there when he is sick or when he needs help.

 

I myself have gone through miserable phases lately. I really miss him some days. I wish I can talk to him like old days, when I am feeling down or when I want to share joy.

 

My new plan: Wait for a week. If we stay on friendly terms by then, I will ask him out.

 

Wish me luck!

Edited December 13, 2016 by benpom

[Pete2304]

Thanks for the reply.

 

Yes, I certainly still do love him.

 

He has been sick a lot in the past year and he looks like he has aged a lot since we separated. It makes me sad to see him this way. I really wish I can be there when he is sick or when he needs help.

 

I myself have gone through miserable phases lately. I really miss him some days. I wish I can talk to him like old days, when I am feeling down or when I want to share joy.

 

My new plan: Wait for a week. If we stay on friendly terms by then, I will ask him out.

 

Wish me luck!

 

Well firstly a genuine good luck wish! As far as him being unwell, obviously I have no idea (nor need to) know what his condition is but I will say this......blokes are rubbish at looking after themselves after a break up. I have myself, and seen a couple of friends, totally neglect themselves after a long term break up. I didn't see my ex wife for about a month when we split for what I thought was the last time around 6 months ago and when I did she told me basically I looked like hell. She wasn't wrong, I was unshaven, In need of a hair cut and had lost weight that I didn't have to lose in the first place. All this came about because I just didn't care and strangely enough it turned out wine and cigarettes in place of an evening meal didn't do wonders for my appearance.

 

I've found that in general, women are a lot stronger when it comes to this sort of thing but us men just regress when we suddenly find ourselves on our own. Lack of sleep didn't help me either, was turning up to worl after an hour or so sleep a night.

 

I would bet my last penny if he's starting to spend more time with you, he will probably smarten his appearance up if you give him a little gentle encouragement, maybe even flirt with him a bit, it bring the butterflies back!!

[benpom]

Well firstly a genuine good luck wish! As far as him being unwell, obviously I have no idea (nor need to) know what his condition is but I will say this......blokes are rubbish at looking after themselves after a break up. I have myself, and seen a couple of friends, totally neglect themselves after a long term break up. I didn't see my ex wife for about a month when we split for what I thought was the last time around 6 months ago and when I did she told me basically I looked like hell. She wasn't wrong, I was unshaven, In need of a hair cut and had lost weight that I didn't have to lose in the first place. All this came about because I just didn't care and strangely enough it turned out wine and cigarettes in place of an evening meal didn't do wonders for my appearance.

 

I've found that in general, women are a lot stronger when it comes to this sort of thing but us men just regress when we suddenly find ourselves on our own. Lack of sleep didn't help me either, was turning up to worl after an hour or so sleep a night.

 

I would bet my last penny if he's starting to spend more time with you, he will probably smarten his appearance up if you give him a little gentle encouragement, maybe even flirt with him a bit, it bring the butterflies back!!

 

Thanks, Pete.

 

You are quite encouraging, and funny too. Best luck to you!

[Pete2304]

Thanks, Pete.

 

You are quite encouraging, and funny too. Best luck to you!

 

Strange you should say that, a few women have told me I'm a bit funny. Do come back on in a week and let us know how things worked out. What are his plans for xmas?

[benpom]

We had to talk about auto insurance. I was the one to bring up the subject. My lawyer told me to get it done asap. Then he asked about if I want him to write me a check right away for property division. We did not get into any argument, but the topic was unpleasant.

 

He is colder towards me now. I will still try to ask him out on Sunday. But it looks like chances are not good at all.

 

I had to deal with paperwork tonight - all the things we had together, marriage license, family pictures from years ago when both cats were alive, will and trust. Spent an evening crying while sorting things out. :(

[Pete2304]

You don't even need me or anyone else for that matter to reply. You know. I'm not going to bother with a paragraph full of pointless cliches but will simply say I'm here if you need a friend to talk to. I spent the last few days with my ex wife and she's just done it again to me today. After promising me the absolute world and insisting it would be different this time, yesterday, on my birthday, I saw in her eyes it wasn't me she wanted and so it transpired. I truly feel for you because this is horrible but I hope for your sake you don't chase as long as I did.

[benpom]

You don't even need me or anyone else for that matter to reply. You know. I'm not going to bother with a paragraph full of pointless cliches but will simply say I'm here if you need a friend to talk to. I spent the last few days with my ex wife and she's just done it again to me today. After promising me the absolute world and insisting it would be different this time, yesterday, on my birthday, I saw in her eyes it wasn't me she wanted and so it transpired. I truly feel for you because this is horrible but I hope for your sake you don't chase as long as I did.

 

You mean she promised you the absolute world, but did not mean it?

[benpom]

I truly feel for you because this is horrible but I hope for your sake you don't chase as long as I did.

 

He told me 'Just forget about me.it is best for you to stay as far from my weirdness as possible.'

 

It's a pretty clear message.

 

As for the 'weirdness' part, he always believed he was weird. He always said he has social anxiety.

 

Anyway, I don't know what to do now other than moving forward. He used to love me like I was his world. A year ago, he said I was his life. As for me, I told him I never loved him. What I really meant what that I did not feel a connection with him, because we were both not good at communicating. I guess lack of connection is not any better than lack of love. In reality, I think I started loving him days after we met. I kept wondering why I did not feel close to him and I told myself it must be because I don't love him. I broke up with him once in the past. I have broken his heart too many times. When he was with me, he attempted suicide a few times out of guilt. I guess I should be happy to let him go? What kind of girlfriend/wife would make the man want to commit suicide? I had too many problems of my own. Now that I realize where things are wrong on my side, too much damage has been done.

 

Irony is that I may never have realized my own problems if he did not file divorce.

[Pete2304]

You mean she promised you the absolute world, but did not mean it?

 

Yeah when we got back together a couple of months back she was talking holidays, trying for another child, renewing our wedding vows etc etc. Lasted a week. Then again a few days ago she rang me and I went round. The thing is though I knew, just as you know now. This most recent time she actually tried to love me. If anything that made it worse. This afternoon we were both off work and were alone for the first time in a long time while the little one was at school. I slept with her over the weekend but that was after she'd drank a boat load of wine and today whilst sober she clearly didn't want to go anywhere near me.

 

I've had the same conversations you're having now, she's told me to move on and like an idiot I convinced myself she was just saying it but of course didn't want me to. In the cold light of day......she actually does want me to.

 

I can't comment about the shocked attwmpts because I'm totally unqualified but I simply think deep down every question you have asked here has been a rhetorical one. It hurts and hurts and then hurts even more than you ever thought possible and you will keep clinging on for a while to any shred of hope that may come your way but you know.......you do know this is over.

[benpom]

Yeah when we got back together a couple of months back she was talking holidays, trying for another child, renewing our wedding vows etc etc. Lasted a week. Then again a few days ago she rang me and I went round. The thing is though I knew, just as you know now. This most recent time she actually tried to love me. If anything that made it worse. This afternoon we were both off work and were alone for the first time in a long time while the little one was at school. I slept with her over the weekend but that was after she'd drank a boat load of wine and today whilst sober she clearly didn't want to go anywhere near me.

 

I've had the same conversations you're having now, she's told me to move on and like an idiot I convinced myself she was just saying it but of course didn't want me to. In the cold light of day......she actually does want me to.

 

I can't comment about the shocked attwmpts because I'm totally unqualified but I simply think deep down every question you have asked here has been a rhetorical one. It hurts and hurts and then hurts even more than you ever thought possible and you will keep clinging on for a while to any shred of hope that may come your way but you know.......you do know this is over.

 

Sorry to hear about your hurtful situation. Be strong! Best wishes to you!

[benpom]

Yeah when we got back together a couple of months back she was talking holidays, trying for another child, renewing our wedding vows etc etc. Lasted a week. Then again a few days ago she rang me and I went round. The thing is though I knew, just as you know now. This most recent time she actually tried to love me. If anything that made it worse. This afternoon we were both off work and were alone for the first time in a long time while the little one was at school. I slept with her over the weekend but that was after she'd drank a boat load of wine and today whilst sober she clearly didn't want to go anywhere near me.

 

I've had the same conversations you're having now, she's told me to move on and like an idiot I convinced myself she was just saying it but of course didn't want me to. In the cold light of day......she actually does want me to.

 

I can't comment about the shocked attwmpts because I'm totally unqualified but I simply think deep down every question you have asked here has been a rhetorical one. It hurts and hurts and then hurts even more than you ever thought possible and you will keep clinging on for a while to any shred of hope that may come your way but you know.......you do know this is over.

 

What do you mean by 'This most recent time she actually tried to love me'? Do you mean she was forcing the way she was feeling? Or forcing herself to feel intimate with you?

[benpom]

Yeah when we got back together a couple of months back she was talking holidays, trying for another child, renewing our wedding vows etc etc. Lasted a week. Then again a few days ago she rang me and I went round. The thing is though I knew, just as you know now. This most recent time she actually tried to love me. If anything that made it worse. This afternoon we were both off work and were alone for the first time in a long time while the little one was at school. I slept with her over the weekend but that was after she'd drank a boat load of wine and today whilst sober she clearly didn't want to go anywhere near me.

 

I've had the same conversations you're having now, she's told me to move on and like an idiot I convinced myself she was just saying it but of course didn't want me to. In the cold light of day......she actually does want me to.

 

I can't comment about the shocked attwmpts because I'm totally unqualified but I simply think deep down every question you have asked here has been a rhetorical one. It hurts and hurts and then hurts even more than you ever thought possible and you will keep clinging on for a while to any shred of hope that may come your way but you know.......you do know this is over.

 

I am still keeping my hopes up.

 

The good part is: We still see each other pretty much everyday because of children. We all seem happy, at least on the surface. We are all polite to each other. He trusts me enough to let me keep his IDs at my place. I believe he still keeps my pictures and my artwork on his wall (I am the one who moved out).

 

The bad part is: He is a very goal-orientated person. He does not change mind easily. I have broken his heart too many times. He broke mine many times too. I remember trying to love him for 10 years. I had too much resentment. We did not have good communication. I had my own issues. I was mean to him for a long time. He finally gave up. Now he is very defensive. He said I was unpredictable and he can't understand me or trust me anymore.

 

I have been listening to Adele's song 'River Lea' lately. It kind of describes the old me. I had many issues. I can see that it's very difficult to break old habit and old mindset. But my recent experience also gives me affirmation that it is possible. I went through a few different types of therapy. Mostly, what helped me was by consciously projecting thoughts in my mind, like self-reprogramming auto-response. The beginning was very hard, but over time it becomes automatic and no longer consume any energy for me to fight back against myself. It's still an ongoing process.

 

I would definitely break up with my old self, so I don't see a way to convince him to stay now. If something is going to happen between us, it's going to be new. I am just glad that we still have opportunities to spend time together, like during children's activities. Only time will tell if we can start something new.

 

I guess my story is just like the stories of many other people. Thanks for listening to my rant.

Edited December 17, 2016 by benpom

[Pete2304]

You are very tough on yourself and you shouldn't be. Yeah you've clearly been a less than perfect partner but then who hasn't? You also are clearly a nice person and you beat yourself up too much. I genuinely think there's hope for your relationship and I wouldn't just say that because false hope hurts just as much when it turns out to be that. I think show him your easy going side (even if inside you are being eaten up, hurting like hell and desperate for answers and a quick fix). Show him the person he fell in love with.

[Pete2304]

What do you mean by 'This most recent time she actually tried to love me'? Do you mean she was forcing the way she was feeling? Or forcing herself to feel intimate with you?

 

Kind of both I think. I slept with her the other night and to me it felt right and more so than it has done in a very long time but we were both drunk. It happened again in the morning but quite frankly we'd gone through that much red wine she was probably still drunk. Saw her on my birthday and she just had no interest when she was sober. I don't care if it takes a long time for that side of things to fix but yeah it was the love part that hurt the most. She made a lot of effort, the card she got me broke my heart with what she wrote and all night she made such an effort for me and spent more than she could afford on a lovely meal out but I'm almost certain that as much as she's trying to love me, it's not me she wants. She wants to love me because I love our little boy and all her family want us to be back together but in reality, the guy she's been seeing is who she wants I think. Even if it's not, the magic has gone and I know that.

[benpom]

You are very tough on yourself and you shouldn't be. Yeah you've clearly been a less than perfect partner but then who hasn't? You also are clearly a nice person and you beat yourself up too much. I genuinely think there's hope for your relationship and I wouldn't just say that because false hope hurts just as much when it turns out to be that. I think show him your easy going side (even if inside you are being eaten up, hurting like hell and desperate for answers and a quick fix). Show him the person he fell in love with.

 

Good advice. Thanks, Pete!

 

We went to an children's event this evening. He clearly still pays attention to me, like copying what I do unconsciously, and looking at me when I am not looking. One time, we actually looked at each other, because neither of us thought the other person would look back. We also had small conversations. Overall, it was a fun evening. Everybody had a great time. I talked to pretty much all parents there and made a few new friends.

 

This is all I can hope for now. Just the fact that he is no longer avoiding me is a great step. Sometimes, I almost have the gut feeling that we will be back together someday. I just hope that happens soon, because I can see how much our children want that to happen. My little baby boy cries when one of us leaves. My pre-K daughter's artwork is almost always about reunited family. She talks to me about the old days a lot.

[Pete2304]

Good advice. Thanks, Pete!

 

We went to an children's event this evening. He clearly still pays attention to me, like copying what I do unconsciously, and looking at me when I am not looking. One time, we actually looked at each other, because neither of us thought the other person would look back. We also had small conversations. Overall, it was a fun evening. Everybody had a great time. I talked to pretty much all parents there and made a few new friends.

 

This is all I can hope for now. Just the fact that he is no longer avoiding me is a great step. Sometimes, I almost have the gut feeling that we will be back together someday. I just hope that happens soon, because I can see how much our children want that to happen. My little baby boy cries when one of us leaves. My pre-K daughter's artwork is almost always about reunited family. She talks to me about the old days a lot.

 

Children are a great bridge in the gap, just make sure that's not the only reason. Our son (her's only in fact but not going into that again) got out a photo of our wedding day the other night and gave it to his mum. He's only six. Two minutes later she was on the phone to me and I ended up round there but it was because of the little fella not because she really wanted me. With you though, I have a sneaking suspicion you've got your man back if you play your cards right. Those looks, those brief moments when both of you feel that bit of nervousness and excitment again are all you need to tell you. Just don't make the mistake I did and heap a load of pressure on for things to instantly get back to a full on relationship, be fun with him and take it slow. You've clearly got his attention but if you suddenly start re hashing old arguments he will run a mile. There's time for that later down the line if absolutely necessary but I'd suggest that you propose a clean slate.

[benpom]

We had a very bad divorce. I gave up first. He was very hurt. He filed for divorce. I want to get back together. He doesn't, at least not now.

 

A few days ago, I asked if he was angry at me. He hesitated and said no. He said because 50 percent of fault was on him. I asked him about his future plan and if he wanted to talk about it. He recommended talking over lunch.

 

Any advice about do's and dont's at lunch?

[Art_Critic]

Any advice... well... go as a friend not someone who wants to get back together, the future isn't written but if both people don't feel the same then you have to learn to let it go.

 

I look back at my exW and thank God I never went back to her, she has never changed and is the same person today that she was 15 years ago.

I'm married today with a wonderful little almost 9 year old and know that my marriage today and child would've never happened if I had taken her back..

 

There is something to be said for moving on and forward.

[Sweetfish]

He told me 'Just forget about me.it is best for you to stay as far from my weirdness as possible.'

 

It's a pretty clear message.

 

As for the 'weirdness' part, he always believed he was weird. He always said he has social anxiety.

 

Anyway, I don't know what to do now other than moving forward. He used to love me like I was his world. A year ago, he said I was his life. As for me, I told him I never loved him. What I really meant what that I did not feel a connection with him, because we were both not good at communicating. I guess lack of connection is not any better than lack of love. In reality, I think I started loving him days after we met. I kept wondering why I did not feel close to him and I told myself it must be because I don't love him. I broke up with him once in the past. I have broken his heart too many times. When he was with me, he attempted suicide a few times out of guilt. I guess I should be happy to let him go? What kind of girlfriend/wife would make the man want to commit suicide? I had too many problems of my own. Now that I realize where things are wrong on my side, too much damage has been done.

 

Irony is that I may never have realized my own problems if he did not file divorce.

 

Wow... you may have learned a lot, but you have a looong way to go. Imagine for 10 years what this man has put up with and it wasnt until he pulled the trigger you started to see your behavior. You've done a lot of damage making a statement saying you dont love him, yet ironically you constantly felt jealousy thru out the relationship. So do you even know what love is?

 

Your still not even talking rational and digging into your emotional mindset. The relationship in your mind is only about you and not about him. Example. You think because he wanted to commit suicide its because of you. This is selfish thinking. The reality is that its him who has is own set of problems and because the two of you as a collective will not help each other out, you use each other to coverup the internal problems that reside in ones self.

 

Even though its for men... i suggest you read "No more Mr. nice guy" you can find the PDF online it will give you some insight into the relationship and dynamics happening in the relationship.