Meeting ex husband for lunch tomorrow

[benpom]

You think because he wanted to commit suicide its because of you. This is selfish thinking. The reality is that its him who has is own set of problems and because the two of you as a collective will not help each other out, you use each other to coverup the internal problems that reside in ones self.

 

Interesting perspective. I always blamed myself for driving him to want to commit suicide. He used to blamed me for it too.

 

Subconsciously, I always knew he has his own set of problems. I always wondered about his motivations behind his behaviors but most times I swept the doubts under the rug. About a year ago, when our relationship was in serious trouble, I lost hope and was ready to give up. He started frantically looking for a solution. He was working on finding out his problems and doing everything he could to fix things. But he could not do it alone.

 

The missing picture was for me to see my own problems. Not that I think I am perfect, but I was only seeing my surface problems, not my most fundamental problems.

 

In addition, our problem started 10 years ago. The one particular incident to trigger the initial fight was entirely his fault. And it was our responses that made the problem grow bigger. We both contributed bad responses to make the problem become worse. Because he started the problem, he always took the blame and I never doubted myself. It was not the right thing to do, but we did not know better.

 

Our therapist did not help either, in case you wonder. My ex and I both were disappointed at her but we did not think about looking for a different therapist (big mistake on our side).

 

Another thing: looking back, my feelings towards him was always love mixed with disappointments about certain traits of him. The disappointment made me question my love towards him, while the love made me stay in the relationship despite the problems.

 

Has my feeling changed? Not entirely. But what's different this time is: I know my problems now and I am committed to become better. I have also seen him committing to change in the past. I know he has flaws but I am happy to be with him, because he has self-awareness and he is willing to change. I know to this day he still blames himself for the parts he contributed. Even though we are no longer together, he is still keeping a commitment he made a year ago to make amends. The fact that he is willing to keep a commitment even after the relationship ends is one of the factors that makes me think highly of him.

 

Do I know what is love? Maybe not entirely. What I do know is that love is not just a feeling, it is also action. I choose to love even when I don't feel it.

Edited January 1, 2017 by benpom

[benpom]

Any advice... well... go as a friend not someone who wants to get back together, the future isn't written but if both people don't feel the same then you have to learn to let it go.

 

I look back at my exW and thank God I never went back to her, she has never changed and is the same person today that she was 15 years ago.

I'm married today with a wonderful little almost 9 year old and know that my marriage today and child would've never happened if I had taken her back..

 

There is something to be said for moving on and forward.

 

Thanks for the advice and thanks for sharing your experience.

[benpom]

Even though its for men... i suggest you read "No more Mr. nice guy" you can find the PDF online it will give you some insight into the relationship and dynamics happening in the relationship.

 

Read it. Good article. Interestingly, this was the first idea my good therapist gave me. You really did spot the problem. Both him and I were being the 'Mr. Nice Guy'.

 

I was the 'Mr. Nice Guy' my whole life towards the whole world until I met my current therapist half a year ago.

 

In the first 5 years of our relationship, I was mostly in the nice period of the 'Mr. Nice Guy'. I even blamed myself for not being able to forgive him or completely trust him. After 5 years, my resentment towards him grew to the point that I felt negative just by seeing him. The fact that life got super busy added a lot weight to our problems too. Then he was the Mr. Nice Guy for 5 years. We had different motivations though. For me, it was fear of disapproval. For him, it was fear of being abandoned.

Edited January 2, 2017 by benpom

[benpom]

Just here to rant. This is my moment of total weakness after lifting up broken pieces of myself to function after a day.

 

I am full of anticipation and questions, and sadness from the rejection. So here is what happened:

 

Met ex husband for lunch today. He never looked at me in the eye. I asked him if he feels uncomfortable around me. He said yes, because he is still attracted to me. I suspected so but still was surprised to hear this. After all, he broke up with me (after I gave up first). I told him I feel the same way. I asked him to consider getting to know me again after being apart for 9 months, he said he will think about it.

 

His life is not easy. Neither is mine. I worry about him, then I get hurt even more because of his rejection. I still think about him all the time and I am constantly battling myself to push these thoughts out of my mind.

 

I also have tons of work to do and to put life together. But everything is double hard when my spirit is not fully repaired.

 

If you actually finished reading my rant, thank you very much. Advice, comfort, or just listening, whatever you offer, I highly appreciate it.

[Gloria25]

Is there anything you both can do to work it out? Sounds like you both might be open to doing it?

 

Well wishes...

[UpwardForward]

I don't know your whole story, but if he has been seeing - or is with someone else, IMO chances for reconciliation aren't as great.

 

He can still be attracted to you - but be with another. And sadly they don't always admit it, if there is another woman in their life.

[benpom]

I don't know your whole story, but if he has been seeing - or is with someone else, IMO chances for reconciliation aren't as great.

 

He can still be attracted to you - but be with another. And sadly they don't always admit it, if there is another woman in their life.

 

There is no other woman, and I am fairly certain about that.

[EZNona]

I think it's better that he said he'd think about it instead of coming with an outright "No". He says he's still attracted to you and now he knows you are interested in him, so just maybe his walls will come down far enough to let you back in...I think you should let him have some time to think and not see this as a bad thing. It is a big decision after all. Whenever you talk/see him moving forward, be strong..but be sweet and kind. Remind him of why he first fell in love with you.

 

I think you have learned a lot about yourself and how much he means to you by losing him. Hopefully you guys will get a second chance to see if this can be salvaged. I'll be rooting for you both!

[benpom]

Update:

 

I did something that caused misunderstanding. I did not realize it until a friend told me. I explained it to him, but the damage is already done. He got colder nevertheless.

 

I am pretty sure he let down his guard a lot for some time. But this misunderstanding drove him to put up his guard again. He responds to my text messages a lot less, only children-related messages now.

 

Nevertheless, he agrees to hang out with children and me together again.

 

I want to be the one who can keep life together, who doesn't hurt people and who does not get hurt. But there is such a big gap between who I want to be and what I am capable of right now. Internally, I fall apart every now and then, then I piece myself together.

[Sweetfish]

Update:

 

I did something that caused misunderstanding. I did not realize it until a friend told me. I explained it to him, but the damage is already done. He got colder nevertheless.

 

I am pretty sure he let down his guard a lot for some time. But this misunderstanding drove him to put up his guard again. He responds to my text messages a lot less, only children-related messages now.

 

Nevertheless, he agrees to hang out with children and me together again.

 

I want to be the one who can keep life together, who doesn't hurt people and who does not get hurt. But there is such a big gap between who I want to be and what I am capable of right now. Internally, I fall apart every now and then, then I piece myself together.

 

What was it?

[benpom]

What was it?

 

Here is what happened prior to our misunderstanding:

 

1. I asked him to consider a second chance via e-mail. He told me to forget about him, although he did not really use the word 'no'.

2. My lawyer asked me to get individual car insurance, in case our future possible claims get denied. My ex was not very happy about splitting up insurance. Later, my insurance agent old me we can still keep insurance together and claims won't get denied. I told my ex about it. He was happy about it. However, the agent did not sound too certain and I was still concerned.

3. Then I asked him over to have dinner and play with children a few times. He did and we had some good time together. One day, my daughter told me that daddy said daddy and mommy made mistakes in the past, but we are all happy now.

 

So things were trending up, then ...

 

the insurance renewal was almost due. I decided to shop for a new one and to get individual insurance for each of us so we won't need to worry about claims being denied. Since I know insurance pretty well, I decided to get the boring shopping part done, so he does not need to boggle his mind with it. But when he came to drop off children at my place, I was in tears and was not able to speak clearly. So I kept words as brief as possible. I told him I had purchased my own insurance, and he should get his own now. He was very unhappy about it. I was in tears and did not explain why I did this. He stormed out.

 

The next day, I explained to him why I did so. He said ok.

 

A few days later, I asked him if I surprised him by getting my own insurance. He said yes it was a surprise. He also told me he will start working on dividing up our assets, like paying me my part that's still held in his account.