The price we pay

[wmacbride]

This is a two part question, with the first part for bs....

 

 

What did you learn form the A, and was the price you paid for that knowledge worth it? What sort of price do you think your ws paid for the A?

 

For the second part, if you are a WS, what sort of price do you think your bs paid for the A? Was that worth it to you?

 

For either the bs or ws. if you had to do it all over again, what would you do differently?

 

Myself, while our marriage and my former ws's mental health is much improved, the price we all paid ( including my ws)was not worth it. We were talking about this last night, and as he put it, he lot a huge amount of self respect that he will never get back. I've tried to reassure him that I have a huge amount of respect for the work he has done on himself since the A, but he has been really hard on himself.

[heartwhole]

When I lost my father suddenly to suicide, I had much better clarity about what was important in life. My friends surrounded me with love and supported me. My husband and I clung to each other and our love was pure and strong. There was a lot of grace and beauty in my life at that time, but in any universe would I ever say my father's death was worth it? Of course not.

 

In times of crisis, people see more clearly. They realize what's important and what's not. They come together for the common good. They dig deeper and grow stronger roots. Wounds heal and scars form and the resulting skin is stronger than before. But anyone with enough emotional health to respond in a positive way to something negative would have to feel deep remorse for being the person who caused the crisis. Only a WS who is stunted and shallow enough to discount their partner's pain would think, "Wow, now my marriage is better than ever and I have everything I wanted . . . the affair was worth it after all!"

 

I think perhaps that the "Would I go through it all again?" game is something that faces us when we realize that we've learned and grown in ways that we might have have without the affair. And so then we think, uh oh, does this mean it was somehow an OK thing for my spouse/me to do? Again, of course not. But if you're both committed to a healthy marriage, to honesty, to growth, then you should be able to come out of the crisis with insight. And you should be able to feel gratitude for how far you've come without condoning the foolish and selfish acts that caused the crisis.

[katielee]

The price we both paid was too high. Yet, here we are. I didn't have an affair until I was 43. I had plenty of time to sit down and think how I wanted to live my life. THAT is my biggest regret. that I could have prevented this.

[drifter777]

This is a two part question, with the first part for bs....

 

What did you learn form the A, and was the price you paid for that knowledge worth it? What sort of price do you think your ws paid for the A?

There is a connotation in your question that I, as a BH, learned something positive from the whole thing and was it worth her cheating for me to learn that positive thing? I learned not a single thing that wasn't hurtful and destructive to me as a person and our marriage so the premise doesn't fit me.

 

What price did she pay? She paid ZERO for what she did. I didn't divorce her and, for the most part, never brought it up much for the first few years after it happened. When I finally broke and wanted to sort is all out she just gas-lit and blame-shifted until I went to sleep on the couch. She would tell you that having to put up with my questions & resentment is punishment but it's really not. It's the price for what she did - she's just paying the ante. The only punishment that fit her crime was divorce.

 

For either the bs or ws. if you had to do it all over again, what would you do differently?

After d-day I really wish I would have maintained no contact for at least 6 - 8 weeks. That would have given me time to detach from her and look at things for what they were. To face reality so to speak. I would have divorced her for sure had I done this.

[dichotomy]

What did you learn form the A, and was the price you paid for that knowledge worth it?

 

I learned my wife is not who I thought she was when I married her and that was very intentional on her part to deceive me to get me to marry her.

 

That I am married to someone who does not share my views on love and sex and marriage. Its been a high price - especially for the first few years. Somethings got better later on.

 

 

What sort of price do you think your ws paid for the A?

 

A big chunk of my admiration, feelings of love, and respect for her - gone out the window. Also I suppose the restrictions (boundaries) on her that made her life less enjoyable. Lots of anger and arguments.

 

 

For either the bs or ws. if you had to do it all over again, what would you do differently?

 

Thats complicated I would need to go back two years before I even met my wife - and do things differently myself in how I dated and handled relationships and myself. Honestly since I have wonderful children - I would have to say no - I cant change much.

Edited January 3, 2017 by dichotomy

[strugglinghubby]

This is a great topic.

 

What did you learn form the A, and was the price you paid for that knowledge worth it?

 

I learned that my wife could be deceitful enough to lie to my face and even swear on our child's life that nothing was going on just to save her own ass. I learned that in the future, when her back is to the wall she can't be trusted. The price I paid? Well I went from a trusting, loving, caring and respectful relationship to the almost opposite. Sure we have good days, but almost every day I think about it, think about what they said and did with each other (that I know about at least), think about how willing she was to lie to me. We're still married, but I don;t have as much respect for her anymore, I wouldn't save I'm 'head over heels' in love with her like I used to be and I took a massive short term hit to my self confidence.

 

What sort of price do you think your ws paid for the A?

She paid virtually nothing. She's still married, in a very financially secure situation and living the lifestyle as if what happened was just a small bump in the road, when in fact for me it was a seismic shift. I would say the only price she paid is that she feels really bad she got caught.

 

For either the bs or ws. if you had to do it all over again, what would you do differently?

Knowing what I know now, I would've definitely given myself more space and time out while I was doing the 180. I somewhat rushed to trying to R the relationship, if I had my time again I would've waited it out. My emotions and feelings were all over the place, I should've given myself more time to think clearly before committing to any steps/actions.

 

Almost on a weekly basis I continue to second guess my decision to R. It's been almost a year and a half from D day now and I'm not happy (well at least no where near as happy as I used to be) and we are at a point now where it's almost like this sacred topic that we can't discuss. When I bring it up I get the 'why do you do that, ruining the mood' or 'can't we just move on' type response. Classic rug sweeping stuff. Who knows, I might still one day decide to leave but it's almost like the longer I leave it the harder it gets to leave.

[gettingstronger]

Was it worth it-in short-NO

 

We are as happy as we can be given the circumstances, but no where as happy as we should be given the amount of time we have been together and what we have accomplished as a couple (without the A)

 

Affairs alter your life, you have to decide-well, this is part of my life now, what am I going to do about it-I wouldn't wish this life on anyone- together or divorced-the A is still there-

 

We are nearly 4 years out-doing great day to day-but the elephant is still in the room, still part of our history and it still sucks-

 

Overall, its effected him more than me-no matter what, no matter how much work he does on himself-he is still the one that betrayed, betrayed not only us but himself-

Sure- I have the pain of betrayal but myself, my morals, my soul is not nearly as dirty as his is- his regret and self loathing is probably life-long-

He damaged himself more than he damaged me-

Edited January 4, 2017 by gettingstronger

[understand50]

I paid a price, with the hurt and pain, even when I thought I was over it. For her, she has paid by knowing she cheated. She could and can never state that she has not. This does weigh on her.

 

The fact of her cheating all those years ago, also has added a layer to any other crisis we have had. It's having two strikes against the marriage, and hoping the next will not be a third. We have been together for a long time, and I do not think we will break apart, but we have also built up much resentment on both sides. We have also built much happiness and live, but I will always know she cheated, as will she. In the end the price is not having a story book marriage, not having the perfect love story. Maybe, that just makes us normal, as every marriage, is not perfect.

 

My two cents.....

[wmacbride]

Was it worth it-in short-NO

 

We are as happy as we can be given the circumstances, but no where as happy as we should be given the amount of time we have been together and what we have accomplished as a couple (without the A)

 

Affairs alter your life, you have to decide-well, this is part of my life now, what am I going to do about it-I wouldn't wish this life on anyone- together or divorced-the A is still there-

 

We are nearly 4 years out-doing great day to day-but the elephant is still in the room, still part of our history and it still sucks-

 

Overall, its effected him more than me-no matter what, no matter how much work he does on himself-he is still the one that betrayed, betrayed not only us but himself-

Sure- I have the pain of betrayal but myself, my morals, my soul is not nearly as dirty as his is- his regret and self loathing is probably life-long-

He damaged himself more than he damaged me-

 

This is an interesting point,and one I think is sometimes lost in the conversation about A's.

Just based on my own personal observations, the majority of ws aren't ad people, but they sure made some crappy choices. The ws I have come across who are some time post A have always felt tremendous shame and disappointment in themselves. As my former ws put it " I can't believe I was so stupid".

It's been a long time for us, and as far fetched as it might sound, there are times we actually find some humor in it. I know that sounds really weird, but this lets us push the A even further into the background.

[wmacbride]

There is a connotation in your question that I, as a BH, learned something positive from the whole thing and was it worth her cheating for me to learn that positive thing? I learned not a single thing that wasn't hurtful and destructive to me as a person and our marriage so the premise doesn't fit me.

 

What price did she pay? She paid ZERO for what she did. I didn't divorce her and, for the most part, never brought it up much for the first few years after it happened. When I finally broke and wanted to sort is all out she just gas-lit and blame-shifted until I went to sleep on the couch. She would tell you that having to put up with my questions & resentment is punishment but it's really not. It's the price for what she did - she's just paying the ante. The only punishment that fit her crime was divorce.

 

 

After d-day I really wish I would have maintained no contact for at least 6 - 8 weeks. That would have given me time to detach from her and look at things for what they were. To face reality so to speak. I would have divorced her for sure had I done this.

 

I feel really bad that you have been hurt so much. Gently, why do you stay with her if you are so unhappy? What does that accomplish?

[JohnAdams]

It's been a long time for us, and as far fetched as it might sound, there are times we actually find some humor in it. I know that sounds really weird, but this lets us push the A even further into the background.

 

 

I remember my wife saying shortly after the affair, "someday we will laugh over this"

 

 

I still cannot find any humor in it at all.

[Whoknew30]

100% honesty...I regret my relationship got so bad that I handled it by having an A but bc I went in thinking it was an exit A & no longer cared about my marriage or I wouldn't have done it in the first place...so I don't "regret it" bc it did change my marriage for the better...& after I confessed, a month later catching my H also having an A, was actually a blessing in disguise. It made us in a weird way "even" & on the same playing field. Had we not had A, we would have been divorced.

 

I always loved my H but at that point in time, I did not love nor want my marriage with him anymore & I can't lie & say I rewrote history bc I didn't, it wasn't good & thank goodness in our first "real" MC session we both agreed our marriage sucked, so we didn't get stuck on who was right or wrong. We were both wrong & at bottom so we came together to work up together & for the first time in a long time, we were working together as partners...what came with that was letting it ALL go & a 100% forgiveness. We went to long term MC & didn't rug sweep anything & mutually decided that our mistakes would not be the basis for going forward & 9 years later that's what we've stuck to & it's been really good.

We fight but that has & will ALWAYS be our dynamic. We argue hard & makeup even harder .

 

We are at the point where we laugh about our A's sometimes. OW ran from me one day at a streetfest & I looked at my H & told him to go get her & we both bursted out laughing...same as my OM not to long ago walked into (can't get into detail) a place where my H was & has belonged to for a long time, OM was interested in signing up, as soon as he saw my H he left (they had never been face to face before, have with OW) my H came home cracking up about the look on OM face when he realized it was my H in charge.

 

I couldn't have ever stayed in my marriage if we hadn't moved on a 100%...I knew it wouldn't happen right away but if we still had doubts or held on to any of the bad, I couldn't or wouldn't chose to live that way...I personally would rather be divorced no matter how much I love him. I've been through too much at too young of an age to live that way. Everyone is different & stays or leaves for different reasons (to each is own & nothing wrong with it) but if i couldn't have regained a 100% trust again & had doubts or held on to animosity, i could no longer be with him.

 

We learned that we love each other unconditionally & that we can get through any obstacle together, as long as we're true to each other & our marriage (we've discussed it many times) first & over time we have proven it to each other, so we don't ponder really any more on the bad of what happened, only the good that came from it. (

[Whoknew30]

100% honesty...I regret my relationship got so bad that I handled it by having an A but bc I went in thinking it was an exit A & no longer cared about my marriage or I wouldn't have done it in the first place...so I don't "regret it" bc it did change my marriage for the better...& after I confessed, a month later catching my H also having an A, was actually a blessing in disguise. It made us in a weird way "even" & on the same playing field. Had we not had A, we would have been divorced.

 

I always loved my H but at that point in time, I did not love nor want my marriage with him anymore & I can't lie & say I rewrote history bc I didn't, it wasn't good & thank goodness in our first "real" MC session we both agreed our marriage sucked, so we didn't get stuck on who was right or wrong. We were both wrong & at bottom so we came together to work up together & for the first time in a long time, we were working together as partners...what came with that was letting it ALL go & a 100% forgiveness. We went to long term MC & didn't rug sweep anything & mutually decided that our mistakes would not be the basis for going forward & 9 years later that's what we've stuck to & it's been really good.

We fight but that has & will ALWAYS be our dynamic. We argue hard & makeup even harder .

 

We are at the point where we laugh about our A's sometimes. OW ran from me one day at a streetfest & I looked at my H & told him to go get her & we both bursted out laughing...same as my OM not to long ago walked into (can't get into detail) a place where my H was & has belonged to for a long time, OM was interested in signing up, as soon as he saw my H he left (they had never been face to face before, have with OW) my H came home cracking up about the look on OM face when he realized it was my H in charge.

 

I couldn't have ever stayed in my marriage if we hadn't moved on a 100%...I knew it wouldn't happen right away but if we still had doubts or held on to any of the bad, I couldn't or wouldn't chose to live that way...I personally would rather be divorced no matter how much I love him. I've been through too much at too young of an age to live that way. Everyone is different & stays or leaves for different reasons (to each is own & nothing wrong with it) but if i couldn't have regained a 100% trust again & had doubts or held on to animosity, i could no longer be with him.

 

We learned that we love each other unconditionally & that we can get through any obstacle together, as long as we're true to each other & our marriage (we've discussed it many times) first & over time we have proven it to each other, so we don't ponder really any more on the bad of what happened, only the good that came from it. (

 

When I said "real" MC...is bc our first MC called & asked me out & told me to leave my H...so we don't consider that real counciling that he gave us.

[BuddyX]

As a bs I learned that not all "I love you's" were real.

 

I tried to put into words (how I felt) and couldn't do it. Then someone on LS left a quote that stuck and it's dead on. It's pertaining to trust.

 

"I could never cheat on anyone. Knowing that you destroyed someone's trust is bad, but destroying their perspective on love is far too worse."

 

From the moment my divorce was final, I knew that every woman from that point on, every potential partner, is guilty (cheater) until proven otherwise

[Southern Sun]

Nothing good has come from my affair. Nothing. Perhaps the only thing our marriage has "gotten out of it" is that we've woken from a slumber. But I sure wish something else had woken us up.

 

My BS has suffered a giant hit to his self-esteem (per his words). His pain is agonizing. I am sure he does not feel the same about me. He does not trust me. He is waiting for the next shoe to drop. He's afraid he's wasting his life. Competing with those feelings is the conflicting emotion that he still loves me and wants to make our marriage work. So he's in a constant fight with his own feelings and facing down his fear of ME.

 

I think it's interesting that the OP asks WSs if they think their BSs paid a price, but does not ask whether WSs themselves paid a price. Because I sure as hell paid one. It's also interesting that some BSs feel that their WS got off foot-loose and fancy-free...as if the affair was gravy.

 

I destroyed my own self-esteem, having this affair. I nearly destroyed my relationship with my family, and probably put a stain on it forever. Most of my friends know. I walk around with that shame and embarrassment. My husband no longer trusts me and I (rightfully) must now provide an account of my whereabouts at all times. I do not have the same freedoms I had, long before the thought of a stupid affair ever even crossed my mind. I live with the possibility that my BH could at any time choose to divorce me and I would deserve it. And it would be because of the hurt that I caused. I'm not whining - it's the truth I've created.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I learned that i am capable of being a lying, manipulative, conniving, selfish, slvt. Me...little miss Christian.

 

the price i paid for this wealth of knowledge...is the near destruction of a good marriage, a beautiful family...and a loyal, loving, forgiving husband.

 

Nothing good came from my affair....but the good that we have achieved in spite of it...is that we never take each other for granted and we always do our best to help each other feel secure and loved and appreciated.

 

Infidelity destroys...sometimes completely....and sometimes out of the ashes a beautiful flower emerges and grows amidst all of the ugliness....and to those who know the miracle of the flower...its beauty is appreciated even more.

[RecentChange]

In times of crisis, people see more clearly. They realize what's important and what's not. They come together for the common good. They dig deeper and grow stronger roots. Wounds heal and scars form and the resulting skin is stronger than before. But anyone with enough emotional health to respond in a positive way to something negative would have to feel deep remorse for being the person who caused the crisis.

 

I think perhaps that the "Would I go through it all again?" game is something that faces us when we realize that we've learned and grown in ways that we might have have without the affair. And so then we think, uh oh, does this mean it was somehow an OK thing for my spouse/me to do? Again, of course not. But if you're both committed to a healthy marriage, to honesty, to growth, then you should be able to come out of the crisis with insight. And you should be able to feel gratitude for how far you've come without condoning the foolish and selfish acts that caused the crisis.

 

THIS THIS and THIS.

 

Very well said.

 

I am conflicted. We both have cheated. Both were fairly short term ordeals (honestly, I don't understand reconciliation after many affair stories I have heard on LS) - but they were very hurtful, and damaging all the same.

 

I learned so much. About myself, about him, about us, about coping, about communicating, about codependency, about honesty, about vulnerability, about trust, and most of all about love.

 

Crazy huh?

 

Could we have reached these depths, had these hard talks, allowed ourselves to be so open and vulnerable without these self inflicted crisis'?

 

Maybe, although I have a hard time imagining how.

 

I would never say it was "worth it" - the hurt I put him through wasn't worth it.

 

But oddly, his cheating? I would say it was worth it. If the clocks could be reversed, and the options were to just continue on the road we were on, or to have that crisis blow everything up, for us to re-build. I would still choose to be the BS.

 

Maybe its because enough years have passed, the pain is a distant memory, but I came out the other stronger. It opened my eyes to many things, and not in a negative way.

[wmacbride]

Nothing good has come from my affair. Nothing. Perhaps the only thing our marriage has "gotten out of it" is that we've woken from a slumber. But I sure wish something else had woken us up.

 

My BS has suffered a giant hit to his self-esteem (per his words). His pain is agonizing. I am sure he does not feel the same about me. He does not trust me. He is waiting for the next shoe to drop. He's afraid he's wasting his life. Competing with those feelings is the conflicting emotion that he still loves me and wants to make our marriage work. So he's in a constant fight with his own feelings and facing down his fear of ME.

 

I think it's interesting that the OP asks WSs if they think their BSs paid a price, but does not ask whether WSs themselves paid a price. Because I sure as hell paid one. It's also interesting that some BSs feel that their WS got off foot-loose and fancy-free...as if the affair was gravy.

 

I destroyed my own self-esteem, having this affair. I nearly destroyed my relationship with my family, and probably put a stain on it forever. Most of my friends know. I walk around with that shame and embarrassment. My husband no longer trusts me and I (rightfully) must now provide an account of my whereabouts at all times. I do not have the same freedoms I had, long before the thought of a stupid affair ever even crossed my mind. I live with the possibility that my BH could at any time choose to divorce me and I would deserve it. And it would be because of the hurt that I caused. I'm not whining - it's the truth I've created.

 

Actually, I did ask what price a ws pays, and your give an excellent example.

I asked the question about ws also paying a price because, as I said in a previous response, most ws aren't bad people, or "predators" or anything like that. They sure made some piss poor choices, but that doesn't make them horrible people.

 

To respond to your post, please don't be so hard on yourself. Sure, you screwed up, but it sounds like you learned from it and will never do so again. Yes, you hurt your spouse deeply, but it doesn't sound right that you have to live the rest of your life like Damocles, waiting for the sword over your head to fall.

[wmacbride]

100% honesty...I regret my relationship got so bad that I handled it by having an A but bc I went in thinking it was an exit A & no longer cared about my marriage or I wouldn't have done it in the first place...so I don't "regret it" bc it did change my marriage for the better...& after I confessed, a month later catching my H also having an A, was actually a blessing in disguise. It made us in a weird way "even" & on the same playing field. Had we not had A, we would have been divorced.

 

I always loved my H but at that point in time, I did not love nor want my marriage with him anymore & I can't lie & say I rewrote history bc I didn't, it wasn't good & thank goodness in our first "real" MC session we both agreed our marriage sucked, so we didn't get stuck on who was right or wrong. We were both wrong & at bottom so we came together to work up together & for the first time in a long time, we were working together as partners...what came with that was letting it ALL go & a 100% forgiveness. We went to long term MC & didn't rug sweep anything & mutually decided that our mistakes would not be the basis for going forward & 9 years later that's what we've stuck to & it's been really good.

We fight but that has & will ALWAYS be our dynamic. We argue hard & makeup even harder .

 

We are at the point where we laugh about our A's sometimes. OW ran from me one day at a streetfest & I looked at my H & told him to go get her & we both bursted out laughing...same as my OM not to long ago walked into (can't get into detail) a place where my H was & has belonged to for a long time, OM was interested in signing up, as soon as he saw my H he left (they had never been face to face before, have with OW) my H came home cracking up about the look on OM face when he realized it was my H in charge.

 

I couldn't have ever stayed in my marriage if we hadn't moved on a 100%...I knew it wouldn't happen right away but if we still had doubts or held on to any of the bad, I couldn't or wouldn't chose to live that way...I personally would rather be divorced no matter how much I love him. I've been through too much at too young of an age to live that way. Everyone is different & stays or leaves for different reasons (to each is own & nothing wrong with it) but if i couldn't have regained a 100% trust again & had doubts or held on to animosity, i could no longer be with him.

 

We learned that we love each other unconditionally & that we can get through any obstacle together, as long as we're true to each other & our marriage (we've discussed it many times) first & over time we have proven it to each other, so we don't ponder really any more on the bad of what happened, only the good that came from it. (

 

 

I know what you mean about the humor part. When I say we can laugh about it sometimes, I don't mean laughing that he had an affair, but more so that we can laugh at some of the things he said.

 

There are many guys and women where he works who have had/are in an affair, and he tells me some of things they say. He tell me, ad then realize it was either the same, or very similar to things he said, which always elicits a groan form him and then we talk about it and even laugh sometimes over the sheer ridiculousness of it all.

 

This has come about recently, as in the past, it would have hurt too much. I eventually reached a point where I was sick of feeling sad. There was nothing i could do about the fact he had an A, what I can control is how I react.

 

Mind you, his A was almost 10 years ago, so we are long past it. The pain is not fresh for us anymore.

[drifter777]

I feel really bad that you have been hurt so much. Gently, why do you stay with her if you are so unhappy? What does that accomplish?

 

I've gone over this many times. In a nutshell, we had to take custody of our grandson when he was 4 years old and I will not upset his life and emotional well being just so I can punish WW. There is no choice.

[Mr Blunt]

This is a two part question, with the first part for bs....

What did you learn form the A, and was the price you paid for that knowledge worth it?

 

 

I learned from the A that it is the BS job to become as self-sufficient as possible. It is way too risky to put your emotions in the hands of a proven betrayer. I would have much rather had a spouse that was 100% loyal/dedicated to me and always made me number one. However, after the betrayal I realize that my idealism does not exist in my world.

 

 

I adapted and became more self-sufficient and can never be devastated by her like that again. Since the betrayal happened then the knowledge is worth it as I am now contented with myself and have a great relationship with my children and grandchildren. I still have a soft spot for my wife as she has a lot of good qualities but my admiration and security with her will never be the same as it was in the first 15 years of our marriage. After so many years after the A ( 25 years +) it stills pains me at times to see her paying the consequences

 

 

What sort of price do you think your ws paid for the A?

Los of self-respect, confidence, weakness, self-esteem and damaged integrity

[merrmeade]

I remember my wife saying shortly after the affair, "someday we will laugh over this"

 

 

I still cannot find any humor in it at all.

My sister-in-law (OW) said something similar to me in an email after dday as well - I think it was "some day we'll sit down and laugh and cry together again. It's when I knew that I didn't know her at all, didn't want to know her and would do everything in my power to make sure such a thing never happens.

[understand50]

I remember my wife saying shortly after the affair, "someday we will laugh over this"

 

 

I still cannot find any humor in it at all.

 

My sister-in-law (OW) said something similar to me in an email after dday as well - I think it was "some day we'll sit down and laugh and cry together again. It's when I knew that I didn't know her at all, didn't want to know her and would do everything in my power to make sure such a thing never happens.

 

Both John, and Merrmeade, bring up the price we all have to pay and keep paying. The fact we may forgive, the BS may accept the they are forgiven, but both BS and WS will never forget what happened. It is that memory, that stays, and takes away from the basic pleasures in life. Maybe not much as time goes on, but some, always. It takes more from some, and less from others depending on how they put together. It is a fact you live with, on both sides, and will for the rest of your life. Time will dull the memory. Your mind will grow mists around what happened, or what you did, and the pain will subside. The memory will remain, and can always come back when other things happen in a marriage. Maybe marriage should be thought of a scale, where there is weight put on over time on both the good and bad sides. Infidelity is a huge weight on the bad side, and leaves little room for other things.

 

Reconciliation is the successful act of making sure this fact, this memory, does not take too much from both BS and WS, and enough is left for love, devotion, and faithfulness to allow each other to keep loving, and being together. Divorcing, only removes the daily reminder, but infidelity will color your life going forward. If you have children, it will impact them, and the relationship with your EX, as you try and do your best to raise your kids.

[Mrs. John Adams]

My sister-in-law (OW) said something similar to me in an email after dday as well - I think it was "some day we'll sit down and laugh and cry together again. It's when I knew that I didn't know her at all, didn't want to know her and would do everything in my power to make sure such a thing never happens.

 

I can certainly understand why you feel that way

 

But in our case and in my own defense... I said what I said because I am an optimist... and often times I say things to encourage and promote positive attitudes rather than admitting defeat or negative feelings.

 

I was insensitive to how much pain I had really caused him... I had a lot to learn at that point ... I talk too much... and I said the wrong thing. I have three pages of things I said that fall into the same catagory... and John has imbedded in his memory... and no matter how far we come...those things remain as a thorn in his side ...and he occasionally reminds me and when I am in a particularly self berating mood... I read them and cry wishing I could take them back. I did a lot of things wrong...

 

I am an eternal optimist and I would venture to say that if both of us were "realist" we would not be together today.

 

I am not the ow... I am the wife and while I may be a very vile person .. I was sincere in my remark because I was determined to make the things I destroyed right. I don't pretend to try to understand what your sister in law meant by her remark...

[katielee]

 

Understand, thank you. I so needed to read this today. I am in a funk and rather than feel like a victim I think you put it perfectly. What happened steals from us sometimes. Sometimes a little and sometimes a lot, no matter how far out in recovery we are.

If there are other stresses in life it's all we can do to keep our head above water. But those are just moments or hours or days. It doesn't last forever.

Some would say (I've read elsewhere) not to let it steal anything from you, that you get to choose how you face each day. Mostly and ideally, I suppose.