Why does ex-wife copy everything I do with kids?

[aurelius99]

KIs this one big pissing contest for her? You name it. Everything I do that's original or special with my kids, she has to copy. What is the point of this? My gut tells me she does it so that nothing is "special" anymore with their dad. The ex (and her whole family for that matter) operate under the prime directive of power and control. They always have to be in a position of dominance. Anything that I do with my kids which they sense my kids like...they have to neutralize. I could give you some examples of the craziest, most detailed mimicking they do of me. Truthfully it ticks me off. Anyone have experience with this crap?

[LargoLagg]

I'd start finding some wildly expensive or "out there" things to do, like a deluxe tour to Machu Picchu for example, and make sure she finds out about it. You don't actually have to do it, and I'm sure she'd like to beat you to the punch.

 

A Safari to South Africa sounds good too.

[basil67]

You said in a previous post that your son listed none of his activities with you as being his favourite things. Could it be that your wife's choices show that your son very much enjoys those activities and wants to do more of them?

[aurelius99]

You said in a previous post that your son listed none of his activities with you as being his favourite things. Could it be that your wife's choices show that your son very much enjoys those activities and wants to do more of them?

 

I see your point. I would agree were it not for the fact that my ex and her family are motivated by power and dominance. It's not an altruistic motive of "I want to do what my kids enjoy". It's all about neutralizing what is special with their dad.

[testmeasure]

I would agree were it not for the fact that my ex and her family are motivated by power and dominance. It's not an altruistic motive of "I want to do what my kids enjoy". It's all about neutralizing what is special with their dad.

 

Then that's what is special about your activities with your kids. You do it for fun, they do it for control. That's a significant important ("special") difference.

 

Again, you're too worried and reading too much into a detail that probably won't make the difference you're focused on anyway. Before you sounded confident in your own sense of how the kids were while you had the and how much fun they had with you. Stay focused on that. That's what is important. If the ex is focused on some kind of competitive power, control, or superiority, over time that's going to be much less fun for the kids. Over time if you just stay focused on fun and enjoyable, positive and productive things, then you've got this one hands down.

 

This stuff that's going on at the other household doesn't sound good. There's nothing you can do about it. Trust your kids to see it for what it is over time and focus on making your time positive. Over time that will win out over stuff rooted in dysfunctional motivations. If her relationship with the kids is based on control, competition with you, and a lack of trust, she's only hurting her relationship with the kids in the long run.

 

It sounded like you were doing a great job. Stay focused on the positive experience you have with the kids. Trust yourself and your kids. Pay attention to what the ex is doing and Document it, but don't worry about it so much.

 

.

Edited January 2, 2017 by testmeasure

[aurelius99]

Then that's what is special about your activities with your kids. You do it for fun, they do it for control. That's a significant important ("special") difference.

 

Again, you're too worried and reading too much into a detail that probably won't make the difference you're focused on anyway. Before you sounded confident in your own sense of how the kids were while you had the and how much fun they had with you. Stay focused on that. That's what is important. If the ex is focused on some kind of competitive power, control, or superiority, over time that's going to be much less fun for the kids. Over time if you just stay focused on fun and enjoyable, positive and productive things, then you've got this one hands down.

 

This stuff that's going on at the other household doesn't sound good. There's nothing you can do about it. Trust your kids to see it for what it is over time and focus on making your time positive. Over time that will win out over stuff rooted in dysfunctional motivations. If her relationship with the kids is based on control, competition with you, and a lack of trust, she's only hurting her relationship with the kids in the long run.

 

It sounded like you were doing a great job. Stay focused on the positive experience you have with the kids. Trust yourself and your kids. Pay attention to what the ex is doing and Document it, but don't worry about it so much.

 

.

 

Thanks for the good insight. When you say document, how can you document mere copying of my actions? That stuff is impossible to prove. I do document when she doesn't return my phonecalls to my kids for several days, etc. But I've learned to let other stuff fly. Lol, you know what's crazy? When I email her and express my concern about not getting phonecalls returned, she tells me I'm "harassing" her and that she will call the police! Crazy, right?

[Nowty V]

Haven't you posted about this already?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/597096-ex-wife-pissing-contests

[aurelius99]

Haven't you posted about this already?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/597096-ex-wife-pissing-contests

 

Whoops. I guess my ex copies me a lot...and I have a memory problem.

[elaine567]

KIs this one big pissing contest for her? You name it. Everything I do that's original or special with my kids, she has to copy. What is the point of this? My gut tells me she does it so that nothing is "special" anymore with their dad. The ex (and her whole family for that matter) operate under the prime directive of power and control. They always have to be in a position of dominance. Anything that I do with my kids which they sense my kids like...they have to neutralize. I could give you some examples of the craziest, most detailed mimicking they do of me. Truthfully it ticks me off. Anyone have experience with this crap?

 

Are they acting under the prime directive of power and control or just trying to give the kids a good life.

YOU seem to be the one in a competition and perhaps that is coming through to your kids.

They may feel they HAVE to have a good time with you, but that pressure may mean they actually do not have a good time with you. even if they say they do to please you.

YOUR desire to make everything "special" may be having the opposite effect.

Maybe better to relax and spend some quality time with your kids doing more mundane things, rather than be in some sort of race to provide the "best", most special, most unique experience, when all kids usually want to do is spend time with YOU.

Are these experiences that you are laying on, for YOU or for them? Are you simply in a game of one upmanship with the ex and her family and the kids are now just pawns as you try to think up even more "special events" merely to out-do your ex. Remember she has to live with them day in day out, care for them, wipe their noses and listen to their troubles, why would you want to swan in every second weekend with your "special" stuff and make her feel like she is 2" tall? NO wonder she feels the need to reassert herself. Stop competing and try to find ways to work together, for the good of your kids.

 

Start thinking about what your kids really want to do with you and plan accordingly.

YOU need to find out what is really your kids "thing" and not just assume they will love doing the "fatherly" things you obviously enjoy.

YOU cannot buy love, stop trying to do that.

Maybe with a change of strategy, you will find that you are on the poster next year.

Edited January 2, 2017 by elaine567
grammar

[aurelius99]

Are they acting under the prime directive of power and control or just trying to give the kids a good life.

YOU seem to be the one in a competition and perhaps that is coming through to your kids.

They may feel they HAVE to have a good time with you, but that pressure may mean they actually do not have a good time with you. even if they say they do to please you.

YOUR desire to make everything "special" may be having the opposite effect.

Maybe better to relax and spend some quality time with your kids doing more mundane things, rather than be in some sort of race to provide the "best", most special, most unique experience, when all kids usually want to do is spend time with YOU.

Are these experiences that you are laying on, for YOU or for them? Are you simply in a game of one upmanship with the ex and her family and the kids are now just pawns as you try to think up even more "special events" merely to out-do your ex. Remember she has to live with them day in day out, care for them, wipe their noses and listen to their troubles, why would you want to swan in every second weekend with your "special" stuff and make her feel like she is 2" tall? NO wonder she feels the need to reassert herself. Stop competing and try to find ways to work together, for the good of your kids.

 

Start thinking about what your kids really want to do with you and plan accordingly.

YOU need to find out what is really your kids "thing" and not just assume they will love doing the "fatherly" things you obviously enjoy.

YOU cannot buy love, stop trying to do that.

Maybe with a change of strategy, you will find that you are on the poster next year.

 

Sorry. I'm not a Disneyland Dad. You seem to have some preconceived idea in your mind. How is a backyard fire a big deal? It's not. That's my point. I can sense that you have a raw nerve on this issue. Your comment was completely off base and I felt like none of it applied to me.

[testmeasure]

Thanks for the good insight. When you say document, how can you document mere copying of my actions? That stuff is impossible to prove. I do document when she doesn't return my phonecalls to my kids for several days, etc. But I've learned to let other stuff fly. Lol, you know what's crazy? When I email her and express my concern about not getting phonecalls returned, she tells me I'm "harassing" her and that she will call the police! Crazy, right?

 

Keep a journal.

 

Maybe make a copy of the phone record and make notes about how many calls weren't returned if that's a particular problem.

 

If you've got a camera, turn the date/time stamp on.

 

At each handoff, you probably talk some about the status of the kids to facilitate the transition of care. "He seems to be craving this kind of food, he had a really active day and didn't seem to get enough sleep." Send an email summarizing that information. You can find subtle ways to document things in those emails. If she starts doing the same, that provides more documentation.

 

The main thing is to have a positive experience for you and the kids. The quality of your time with the kids should be the focus. The focus should not be what is going on at the other household, which you have no control over. But if there is alienation and dysfunction going on at the other household, it's good to have some kind of record of that. Don't make the act of documenting stuff a big deal. If there is dysfunction and alienation on the level you're describing, find some low effort way to make a record of it and then return to focusing on the quality of your experience with the kids.

 

There are a lot of books about alienation and toxic ex spouses. If you're worried about it, you can do some research and reading.

 

Another important thing is to teach the kids critical thinking so they can think for themselves when it comes to what is going on at the other house. But, you mentioned training like a coach in chess and listed outdoor, hands on activities that require planning, thought and action. It all sounded like good quality activities that you were confident about being a good positive experience and fun. It just all comes back to the focus on the quality of your time being so much more important than crappy mental games going on at the other house.

 

.

Edited January 2, 2017 by testmeasure

[LifeNomad]

Could it be the kids telling her they wanna do the same thing?

 

 

Usually when kids do something fun for the first time they want to go do it again and if they see both of you as loving parents it wont matter who takes them, or they want to show their mom they did something really fun and want her to also do it with them.

 

 

So if she asks them something like "what do you all feel like doing today"? the might feel like doing the same thing they did with you but with her. Even if it means going to the same exact place.

[Simple Logic]

Use this to you advantage. Put $10,000 in an education fund. Put $5000 in an account for your daughters wedding.. If she matches you all the better.