Popsicle Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 I was watching this very interesting show called "Seven Year Switch" that shows couples in crisis doing switch therapy with other couples in crisis. What I really enjoyed is watching how the therapists who orchestrated it all and were still doing some therapy with participants as it went along were helping these couples see themselves. It was almost like holding a mirror up to themselves and their marriage. It was very interesting to me. Unfortunately, I never got the chance to do marriage counseling (ex-H refused) and sadly, I've not known anyone in real life where it did help, so I'd really like to hear from the couples here (NOT therapists, if there any are here, please). I'd like to hear from the couples who have been through marriage counseling/therapy themselves... what did marriage counseling do for you? Did it help you and how? Or, was it just a waste of time? Did it make things worse? Feel free to share please and thank you in advance! Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 It definately did help us. No question of that. However I need to add the qualifier that neither one of us had done anything bad and neither had truly mistreated the other. We just weren't clicking and we weren't truly "hearing" what the other was trying to say. As just as importantly, both of us were wanting to stay together, both wanted a solution and both were willing to work at it and make concessions. MC can't fix anyone's bad character and it will rarely, if ever, change someone's mind if they want out of the marriage and does not want or is not willing to do the work. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted January 2, 2017 Author Share Posted January 2, 2017 It definately did help us. No question of that. However I need to add the qualifier that neither one of us had done anything bad and neither had truly mistreated the other. We just weren't clicking and we weren't truly "hearing" what the other was trying to say. I think that's an extremely valid reason to go. I'd say that most of the couples I saw on this show had this problem. As just as importantly, both of us were wanting to stay together, both wanted a solution and both were willing to work at it and make concessions. MC can't fix anyone's bad character and it will rarely, if ever, change someone's mind if they want out of the marriage and does not want or is not willing to do the work This is VERY important. I can't see how it can work if one of the partners doesn't want to do whatever it takes to make it work. I'm glad you called it a "bad character". Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 MC does not "save" marriages. MC helps people express their wants and needs and helps them to hear and understand their partner's wants and needs. It will then be up to both individuals whether they want to do the work or be willing to meet in the middle or not. One person cannot save a marriage or make it healthy and happy on their own. It takes both. MC can assist them to work together towards a common goal as long as it is all mutual. But MC can't change a bad person into a good person, and neither can it make someone who wants out to stay in and work on if they don't want to. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted January 2, 2017 Author Share Posted January 2, 2017 Very true. It seems there's a lot of hard work for the couple to do still after marriage counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 I was watching this very interesting show called "Seven Year Switch" that shows couples in crisis doing switch therapy with other couples in crisis. What I really enjoyed is watching how the therapists who orchestrated it all and were still doing some therapy with participants as it went along were helping these couples see themselves. It was almost like holding a mirror up to themselves and their marriage. It was very interesting to me. Unfortunately, I never got the chance to do marriage counseling (ex-H refused) and sadly, I've not known anyone in real life where it did help, so I'd really like to hear from the couples here (NOT therapists, if there any are here, please). I'd like to hear from the couples who have been through marriage counseling/therapy themselves... what did marriage counseling do for you? Did it help you and how? Or, was it just a waste of time? Did it make things worse? Feel free to share please and thank you in advance! My ex dragged me there after I had left him for years of abuse. It was useless and I did not care about the reasons he was so mean. It was brutal torture to listen to him go on and on about his childhood. I was done. Unfortunately it was his right under my state's law to insist I attend. Finally the therapist would not see us anymore. We divorced. I know lot of couples who went through rounds of MC. Many divorced or are just as miserable. The spouse dragged along tends to lie in the sessions too, just to get through it. My therapist thought it was typically a waste as it was impossible for a therapist to not take one party's side over the other, even if they tried to be impartial. My H and I decided against it, that it was a waste of money. We talked on our own, using the $150 dollars for a date night instead. Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 I'm on the fence with this, and full disclosure, I have a background that gives me particular insight into therapy-world. I think that by the time my ex and I made it into the counselors office, we were already doomed. That's pretty much the (undisclosed) consensus amongst professionals in therapy-world; most couples are on the road to doom before they finally get into therapy, and oftentimes, therapy can hasten the break up. I sometimes wonder if had we gone in sooner would we have been able to salvage things? I doubt it, but I wish we had, that way I could've saved myself another half a decade in a relationship that simply would never work. It takes two to genuinely want to fix things for it to even possibly have any positive outcomes. It also takes a therapist who is good at what they do, and meshes well with both partners. A bad therapist, or an inappropriately- suited one, can do more damage, as was the case with me. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 MC can't fix anyone's bad character and it will rarely, if ever, change someone's mind if they want out of the marriage and does not want or is not willing to do the work. So true. My sister and her abusive ex did counselling. In counselling, he told them what they wanted to hear. But had no intention of doing it. In my case, it helped my ex husband understand that it was too little, too late. We started the session with "do you both want to work on the marriage?". He said Yes and I said No. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 It definitely did NOT help us - it only delayed the inevitable and created more bitterness before the end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 MC is a waste of time unless both actually want to work on the real issues. It was fruitless for us went my mind was on divorce. Later when I wanted to make the relationship work it was a great aide. As OP stated it's important to own your part of the marriage issues, pointing fingers is useless. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 First marriage (ended in divorce) The MC did nothing. Other than the last session the therapist got my first wife to shed a tear and admit she hurt me and say sorry. It was a brief moment of humanity for that cold woman. Second marriage It helped somewhat. We had two different therapist. It was basic patch job band-aids if you will to stop the bleeding in marriage. There was finally "some" modest level of remorse, regret, acceptance she had issues, and better thinking. Enough to remain married. Me personally it helped alot - as I got two different therapist who basically supported my concerns and unhappiness. More or less they "took my side". Not a nice or professional way to say it - but that's what happened.It was a relief as my wife tried to twist it all up - twist me up. Part of the reason I think it did not do more for the marriage is I dragged my wife to all the sessions. There was no major interest on her end - in working though her side of things. I dragged the horse to the water and then shoved the horses head in the water.:( Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 We were both in the military, so the counselor wasn't depending on us for his bread and butter. I now have a degree in the psychology field, so I have some other insight. And that insight tells me....we really had an awful counselor. ExH and I were stationed at opposite ends of the city. It took me an hour to get there and it was a hassle. One time he had a "simple" form for us he wanted us to fill out individually with him. ExH went first. I have no idea what was said, but 53 minutes later the counselor came to apologize and say there were problems filling out the form. Time was up. I drove back an hour to work. Three hours of my day wasted. Since the next week I didn't have to fill out a form, I have NO idea what that was about. My ex was not teary or distraught after his session. I just don't know. Anyway, I would speak, sometimes, not kindly and the counselor would just nod and jiggle his leg. He rarely spoke or really directed the conversation. He gave us no "homework". He seemed to have no plan for our sessions. We should have tried again. I mean there was simple stuff. We fought about housework and grown up chores. That's an easy fix in therapy (since we didn't have kids). Take a week, make a list of ALL chores that need to be done on a weekly basis. At therapy, decide who does what. Add to the list for monthly and yearly chores responsibilities as well. That's easy - and has been around for 40 years. It's stuff like that that really bothers me. When we went to therapy, we still had a chance. Some of our fixes were easy, some weren't. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 No because she blew up at any suggestion that she wasn't 100% the victim. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LancasterAmos1966 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 what did marriage counseling do for you? Did it help you and how? Or, was it just a waste of time? Did it make things worse? Feel free to share please and thank you in advance! Hi Popsicle, I went to marriage counseling for a few months because my Bishop suggested it. Overall, it was Ok. I learned some things about relationships and it was nice to spend an hour each week with someone that was hoping my marriage would survive. In my personal situation, my wife had already checked out so marriage counseling simply delayed the inevitable......and in your situation, maybe your husband had already checked out too; so he refused marriage counseling in order to move on, rather than having something/someone stall his decision to uncouple. Now that I've been living in the Acceptance Stage for a long time, I can look back and realize that no matter what I did OR did not do, my wife was going to walk. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Could not afford it. So we did not do it. (BTW, I think that can be another reason MC may not work. If one of the problems is lack of funds, or misuse of funds, another bill will never help.) I and then We read up on the internet about DIY MC, and that has worked out. I would say we both wanted to work at it and solve our problems, so that idea holds for both professional MC and DIY MC. You must want the marriage to go on. If you have reached the point where you just do not care, then nothing will work. My two cents. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 We both went to therapy...separately twice....I would go in first....then he went in. She sat watching the clock.....and the second time we went...she blamed my husband for my affair....called him a male chauvinist pig....and told him things I never said. When we got in the car he asked me about the things she said. She had taken my comments and came to her own conclusions rather than actually listening to what either of us had to say. We never went back....we really could not afford it...and if this was what therapy was about...it did more harm than good. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I would have benefited more talking to a bartender. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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