I want another chance

[Gracieboo]

I am going to try to give you a chronological order of events and keep this as short as possible.

July 2015 met a guy on vacation (he lives on the west coast, I am on the east coast). That was our last vacation day and nothing much happened.

July-January 2016 he kept in touch with me every single day. He knew i was going to visit west coast in January and offered to drive 7 hours to meet me. I declined but suggested to meet him in a month in his city.

 

Feb 2016 I flew to his city, had amazing 5 days vacation and started to like him

 

April 2016 he flew to my city. We had even better time (lots of kissses, holding hands, etc). On his flight back home he asked to meet again.

 

May 2016 we met in San Diego. Amazing 7 days (best in my entire life). I asked him how he sees us and what we are. His reply: "It is hard to live 2000 miles apart, but it's been almost a year since we met and one more will fly by (I have a year more left in school). It will be hard, it will be expensive but it is worth trying. I really like you. And I realize you have too many expenses, so we can try for cheaper options or I can help you with some of the trips." Then, he asks to see me again in August.

 

Right before our vacation in August he becomes distant. He also started a big project and his own business.

August 2016 he is distant on vacation. Still holding hands but i felt something was different. He was on his phone, talking about business and one time he answered the phone during sex. I think I saw him looking at other girls, too. (never happened before, even with half naked, gorgeous girls next to us).

I ask him "what after this trip" in a disappointing voice. He starts telling me how he would move to my city but cannot because of his license for business. I told him I never expected him to move. Then I ask if he wants to continue the relationship and that all this makes sense only if he really wants to. He says: I want to, but it will be difficult. I have been in long distance before but never across the country. We can keep seeing each other every three months and see what happens. But if we let 6 months go by, then it doesnt make any sense. We are holding each other back. Let me see my calender. I cant travel till I finish what I have started.. soo till November. We can meet again in November.

August to November he still initiates conversations but much less than before and is distant.

I broke up with him two times. First time he kept apologizing and explaining how busy he was. Then we just ignored the fact that I broke up and kept talking as usual.

Second time, he said it hurts him to lose me and would like to have another chance in the future. I break down and offer to make up.

He then asks : where do you see yourself in a year". I told him I would move over if we are still together. He says that is how he sees things too.

 

November 2016, he tells me we need to plan our vacation but he is too strung to plan anything. I tell him it is ok, we can wait till January (when my semester is over).

Nov 2016 he goes the entire day without a text. I break up. Then I call him and apologize, he tells me we could possibly try again but it would be better to sleep on it and talk the following day.

I never hear from him the next day and send an angry text. He told me he thought I was going to call and also, that he can't put up with me being angry anymore and that we are done. I then say some nasty things.

 

Dec 2016 I apologize for the words I used and ask to take me back. He says no, because he doesnt think it will work out long term.

Jan 2017 I text him. We chat for a bit and I ask him if he would be open to ever seeing me again. He ignores the text.

 

I still struggle to understand what happened. How can someone plan futurecwith me but also cut me off completely or put so little effort into a relationship?

My friend suggested calling him and talk to him one more time before giving up, but I feel I have been pathetic enough already and he will reject me again.

I cant move on.

[kidm]

Long distance coupled with immaturity is a recipe for disaster. You seemed to use breakups or the threat of breakups as a way of dealing with situations you didn't like instead of approaching the person and having a frank and honest conversation. In any event, it sounds like his interest waned and he was looking for an exit so there is nothing you can really do about it now. You've already talked to him and he's told you it's over. You should respect that.

[Gracieboo]

Long distance coupled with immaturity is a recipe for disaster. You seemed to use breakups or the threat of breakups as a way of dealing with situations you didn't like instead of approaching the person and having a frank and honest conversation. In any event, it sounds like his interest waned and he was looking for an exit so there is nothing you can really do about it now. You've already talked to him and he's told you it's over. You should respect that.

 

Do you think his interest waned before that last vacation or it did later when I kept breaking up? I just can't stop replying everything in my head. It looks to me like he couldn't break up with me (even not let me break up with him) but he was looking for an exit since August.

Edited February 5, 2017 by Gracieboo

[preraph]

It's very hard for young people to just put their life on hold and wait for someone they are not even sure about or sure if they can work out the logistics on. It's a mistake at a young age to slow your life down to a crawl and miss the nonstop opportunities you have to meet other people and do things. He is continuing to just live his life. You are one part of it, a part he is now feeling bad about because he knows you would like him to wait. He can't do that. You shouldn't do that.

 

My advice is for you to just keep going out and meeting new people and date other guys. Then if you two get together, fine, but you can't be exclusive this far away and for the small amount of time you've spent together. It's a waste of time. He's probably not the one. That usually comes later.

[Versacehottie]

My guess is that things changed by august because the "new" wore off AND importantly he had significant purpose in his life, in his city. A direction with his new company and opening a new business takes 100% focus. Maybe even if you lived in the same place it wouldn't survive that. LDR are really tough. There are big moments and on the other hand all the little, nothing type moments are missing so it can feel like strangers. It's easy for one or the other to decide to just "live" life where they are. Especially in your scenario, since you weren't really a couple before not being in same place, you don't have "glue" that would give one person or the other the want to keep trying or to take it that seriously.

 

And your immature stuff doesn't help at all. My advice would be to drop it (for a while). Like really drop it. You've already asked twice--which is begging and unattractive usually. He'd pretty much have to be the one to make the next contact OR if a significant amount of time passes then maybe you could get in touch (with low expectations). By significant, I thinking 6 months or more. If you follow each other on social media, make a point to show that you are happy and enjoying your life. Don't try to make him jealous, just live your life. That might entice him to get in touch if he sees that there will be less pressure from you because you actually have a life where you are. You need to do this anyway, so you might as well. Good luck

[smackie9]

It doesn't matter if things were amazing, some people, given time, realize it was a dumb idea to get involved with someone who lives on the other side of the country. It was fun while it lasted BUT it's too much hassle to take it any further, with time, costs, commitments, career, friends, family etc, it gets to a point where it's pointless. Plus there is nothing you could have done better or whatever. It is what it is.

[smackie9]

Once you are all done with your schooling and have a career, you will have time to go out and have dates with men locally. A new cycle of life is about to begin.

[anuba]

It's not helping you to analyze every detail, it's a way of holding onto someone who is out of your life because he chose to be.

 

Nothing wrong with figuring out some of your mistakes, but it's time to learn from them and move on.

 

Just because someone says they want a future with you doesn't always mean they do.

[smackie9]

It's not helping you to analyze every detail, it's a way of holding onto someone who is out of your life because he chose to be.

 

Nothing wrong with figuring out some of your mistakes, but it's time to learn from them and move on.

 

Just because someone says they want a future with you doesn't always mean they do.

I agree ^^^

 

During the honeymoon stage, people will talk about having a future with you and how it will work out...but it is just talk and should never be taken as promises. Things can change over night.

[Gracieboo]

I agree ^^^

 

During the honeymoon stage, people will talk about having a future with you and how it will work out...but it is just talk and should never be taken as promises. Things can change over night.

I get that but what puzzles me, even when we were breaking up (and then made up) he brought up the question of where I saw myself in a year. When I told him I would move over he agreed with it and proceeded to explain why he needs to focus on work.

On one hand, I have the feeling that he just waited for an excuse to be over so he could focus on work (or whatever he wanted to), on the other, what he was saying kind of makes sense (that he was busy, blah blah).

[Gracieboo]

It's not helping you to analyze every detail, it's a way of holding onto someone who is out of your life because he chose to be.

 

Nothing wrong with figuring out some of your mistakes, but it's time to learn from them and move on.

 

Just because someone says they want a future with you doesn't always mean they do.

 

 

Yes, this is hard to accept. He CHOSE not to be in my life. No matter how difficult I was, in the end, he chose not to be in my life.

[Versacehottie]

I get that but what puzzles me, even when we were breaking up (and then made up) he brought up the question of where I saw myself in a year. When I told him I would move over he agreed with it and proceeded to explain why he needs to focus on work.

On one hand, I have the feeling that he just waited for an excuse to be over so he could focus on work (or whatever he wanted to), on the other, what he was saying kind of makes sense (that he was busy, blah blah).

 

You can't assume that life isn't fluid and in motion. What a person says one day or what signs or whatever don't always apply. Don't assume an end point. If you can incorporate this into your own life, you will feel happier and be able to manage your life better. What you do will affect the outcome of things and vice versa. You can't really extract one point in time and then expect it to "hold up" as if everything else that has gone hasn't played a role. Does this make sense? i feel like it's come up for you before on your other thread.

 

Side note on this same subject: if you assume that what a person says is "fixed" and that they know where you will end up as a couple, you are handing over all your power. Life is constantly in motion. The sooner you accept that, the better. This makes me sound super hippy-dippy, and I assure you i'm not (not that there's anything wrong with it)---this is just one of the worst re-occurring themes that I see with people that consistently have dating problems. Good luck

[Gracieboo]

You can't assume that life isn't fluid and in motion. What a person says one day or what signs or whatever don't always apply. Don't assume an end point. If you can incorporate this into your own life, you will feel happier and be able to manage your life better. What you do will affect the outcome of things and vice versa. You can't really extract one point in time and then expect it to "hold up" as if everything else that has gone hasn't played a role. Does this make sense? i feel like it's come up for you before on your other thread.

 

Side note on this same subject: if you assume that what a person says is "fixed" and that they know where you will end up as a couple, you are handing over all your power. Life is constantly in motion. The sooner you accept that, the better. This makes me sound super hippy-dippy, and I assure you i'm not (not that there's anything wrong with it)---this is just one of the worst re-occurring themes that I see with people that consistently have dating problems. Good luck

 

Not sure if I understood you but.... I am not holding on what he said, I am just puzzled that he seemed to lose interest but still brought up the question of living together.

Like, he was one foot out of the door but was still making plans for us to live eventually together.

 

And his texting (even though he initiated 80% of the time) felt like he was doing a chore, like he knew he had to text me to keep things going).

[preraph]

I get that but what puzzles me, even when we were breaking up (and then made up) he brought up the question of where I saw myself in a year. When I told him I would move over he agreed with it and proceeded to explain why he needs to focus on work.

On one hand, I have the feeling that he just waited for an excuse to be over so he could focus on work (or whatever he wanted to), on the other, what he was saying kind of makes sense (that he was busy, blah blah).

 

I think he sees that you are going to want a commitment and he is not ready for one. I think his question was to find out if you could just date and have fun or if you were going to try to have a committed relationship that he isn't ready for and he uses the focus on work for his excuse. I think it's over. Sorry.

[Versacehottie]

Not sure if I understood you but.... I am not holding on what he said, I am just puzzled that he seemed to lose interest but still brought up the question of living together.

Like, he was one foot out of the door but was still making plans for us to live eventually together.

 

And his texting (even though he initiated 80% of the time) felt like he was doing a chore, like he knew he had to text me to keep things going).

 

Well i will try to explain it better. I'm not saying that you are "holding onto what he said". That's a different issue. What I'm saying is that you are cherry-picking one element, such as a sentence said one night rather than taking the whole picture into consideration. In your post above you give even more insight into this being the case by saying that he was acting like one foot out the door & texting was a chore. If that is the case, you don't assume that words said about living together still apply. Everything action has a reaction, thus a relationship will always be changing. If you can get that straight into your head, you will behave better & be able to let go of the outcome at the same time. It's kinda about living in the present. Things can and will always change.

 

BTW, in the example you give above, he was probably continuing to tell you what you expected to hear so that he would have THE OPTION of proceeding to the plans of living together. But in reality, his actions "said" just as much/maybe more--that he was one foot out the door. Anyway, not sure why you'd let a guy make all the decisions of what happens with the TWO of you. If he's giving "less", then wouldn't your perspective change on whether or not YOU want to have a future with him? You can give yourself so much more power and control over your own happiness if you do that. Stop just trying to "get a boyfriend" "settle down with some guy" or whatever and look at what you are getting to see if it's good enough for you. If some guy is acting like anything with me is a chore, that wouldn't fly.

[Gracieboo]

Well i will try to explain it better. I'm not saying that you are "holding onto what he said". That's a different issue. What I'm saying is that you are cherry-picking one element, such as a sentence said one night rather than taking the whole picture into consideration. In your post above you give even more insight into this being the case by saying that he was acting like one foot out the door & texting was a chore. If that is the case, you don't assume that words said about living together still apply. Everything action has a reaction, thus a relationship will always be changing. If you can get that straight into your head, you will behave better & be able to let go of the outcome at the same time. It's kinda about living in the present. Things can and will always change.

 

BTW, in the example you give above, he was probably continuing to tell you what you expected to hear so that he would have THE OPTION of proceeding to the plans of living together. But in reality, his actions "said" just as much/maybe more--that he was one foot out the door. Anyway, not sure why you'd let a guy make all the decisions of what happens with the TWO of you. If he's giving "less", then wouldn't your perspective change on whether or not YOU want to have a future with him? You can give yourself so much more power and control over your own happiness if you do that. Stop just trying to "get a boyfriend" "settle down with some guy" or whatever and look at what you are getting to see if it's good enough for you. If some guy is acting like anything with me is a chore, that wouldn't fly.

 

I agree with everything but it is easier said than done. I wish he could have just been honest. It is hard when you feel something is wrong but the other person denies it, and gives you million reasons why he is distant and then, proceeds to talk about future.

It is also hard to understand, how he was able to come on so strong at the beginning. He did everything so I could feel special (booking vacations that I would like and when I would like, doing things he doesnt like to make me happy, putting me before his friends, holding my hand 24/7 and telling me everyday how much he missed me). He also invited me on a family cruise (cruise with parents and grandparents) in July (before our last vacation).

And, what really hurts is that I wasn't really obsessed with at all at the beginning. I kind of liked him but never thought about it much. His actions made fall for him... and as soon as I let my guard down, he became distant.

[Versacehottie]

I agree with everything but it is easier said than done. I wish he could have just been honest. It is hard when you feel something is wrong but the other person denies it, and gives you million reasons why he is distant and then, proceeds to talk about future.

It is also hard to understand, how he was able to come on so strong at the beginning. He did everything so I could feel special (booking vacations that I would like and when I would like, doing things he doesnt like to make me happy, putting me before his friends, holding my hand 24/7 and telling me everyday how much he missed me). He also invited me on a family cruise (cruise with parents and grandparents) in July (before our last vacation).

And, what really hurts is that I wasn't really obsessed with at all at the beginning. I kind of liked him but never thought about it much. His actions made fall for him... and as soon as I let my guard down, he became distant.

 

Again, you aren't getting it. He, as EVERYONE will, is figuring it out as he goes. A moment in time (where he plans future, comes on strong, acts distant in a certain moment) is just that: a moment. NONE of it happens "in a bubble". He is gathering information, as you should be about what a future with you would be like. And you should be doing the same. He was "honest" when he was ready to be "honest", i.e. at that point in time he had enough information to pull the plug. No one is going to tell you how they feel and what internal thoughts they have at every moment and give you status updates. It's pure economics: one is going to do what is BEST for them at any given time. If he's more into it than not but not sure, he will play like the relationship will go forward--that's in order to not threaten the relationship by divulging what exactly is going on in his head. You are kinda projecting to the end, i.e. "he said we have a future"--that will only hurt you, in that you will make dumb decisions, let your guard down IN SPITE of what is going on in front of your eyes, plus if someone is treating you not well, you should be gathering information yourself!! Why would you feel obligated to a future with him once you have gathered more information about him and how he treats you, becomes distant, begrudging???

 

You really need to start thinking like this: I'm having fun with you and enjoy this now....if it keeps going like this, I would like a future with you. And be WILLING to pull the plug yourself if you get intel that it is NOT "going like this".

 

lastly, it may seem obvious but a lot of guys are into it while in the "chase" part. It's actually very normal that lots lose interest after they get what they've been chasing. Again, not happening in a bubble---they may discover as well, that what they've been chasing is not as great as they imagined. This is one of the best lessons you can learn. This is not completely blaming the guy or the chaser. You said yourself, in your case, you did some immature things and seemed to break up with him and get upset on a dime. Your own actions played a part. Listen no one is perfect but you can do better. Both in how you act and what you expect. You need to toughen up, sorry

[Miss Spider]

I think he sees that you are going to want a commitment and he is not ready for one. I think his question was to find out if you could just date and have fun or if you were going to try to have a committed relationship that he isn't ready for and he uses the focus on work for his excuse. I think it's over. Sorry.

 

I agree with this. Sorry, Gracieboo. I was in a similar thing awhile back, although the distance was only 2 hours. I also "broke up" a few times and he'd act like nothing happened which really, its because he didn't care much. Even at the end he was fed up, got really mad but still willing to try it, I came to my senses and moved on. If you can sense the other person isn't as into as you are and has little emotional investment, it's a huge anxiety trigger. You break up and get angry, but usually you had reason to be if this were a real relationship and if the other person was fully invested, but they are not, so it makes you feel like you overacted. Someone who really wanted to be with you and really was up for trying this would not make you wonder. For long distance to work, both people have to really want to be together. I also agree with Versace - I think men will entertain things in their head and say them when brought to their logical conclusions, they cannot fulfill. A person can ask anything, entertain any possibility, but if they do not follow through, it means they don't want to.

Edited February 5, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Gracieboo]

I agree with this. Sorry, Gracieboo. I was in a similar thing awhile back, although the distance was only 2 hours. I also "broke up" a few times and he'd act like nothing happened which really, its because he didn't care much. Even at the end he was fed up, got really mad but still willing to try it, I came to my senses and moved on. If you can sense the other person isn't as into as you are and has little emotional investment, it's a huge anxiety trigger. You break up and get angry, but usually you had reason to be if this were a real relationship and if the other person was fully invested, but they are not, so it makes you feel like you overacted. Someone who really wanted to be with you and really was up for trying this would not make you wonder. For long distance to work, both people have to really want to be together. I also agree with Versace - I think men will entertain things in their head and say them when brought to their logical conclusions, they cannot fulfill. A person can ask anything, entertain any possibility, but if they do not follow through, it means they don't want to.

 

Thanks for sharing. The problem with me is all of this happened out of the blue. So, we had our vacation in San Diego in May. Jun and July, he just couldn't stop texting me and telling me how much he missed me. However, I have to say, I noticed, he texted more when on vacation (like a cruise with parents or trip away with friends). Not so much when working. BUT, even when he wasnt texting, I never felt he was distant. I felt secure. He would tell me he was counting days to our vacation in August and had already researched the hotels and entertainment.

But then, nothing big happened and I felt he was distant (we didnt have any misunderstanding up to that point, we hadnt seen each other in meantime). The only thing I could think of is the beginning of his big project.

And, when he mentioned my moving over, he wasnt so vague (but wasnt as enthusiastic either). He said something like this: "Ok, you have a year left and then you can move over. It will probably take a year and a half considering the final exam and everything. A year and a half is, I think, enough for me to buy my own house. It is totally doable if I focus. We can't leave where I live now. You also wont be able to find a job right away, and we should think about it"(I guess this last part was to justify being busy).

So, this sounded like concrete plans. I felt it put additional pressure on him tho (I am not defending him and deep down I know if he wanted to be with me, none of this would matter....)

Edited February 6, 2017 by Gracieboo

[Miss Spider]

Thanks for sharing. The problem with me is all of this happened out of the blue. So, we had our vacation in San Diego in May. Jun and July, he just couldn't stop texting me and telling me how much he missed me. However, I have to say, I noticed, he texted more when on vacation (like a cruise with parents or trip away with friends). Not so much when working. BUT, even when he wasnt texting, I never felt he was distant. I felt secure. He would tell me he was counting days to our vacation in August and had already researched the hotels and entertainment.

But then, nothing big happened and I felt he was distant (we didnt have any misunderstanding up to that point, we hadnt seen each other in meantime). The only thing I could think of is the beginning of his big project.

And, when he mentioned my moving over, he wasnt so vague (but wasnt as enthusiastic either). He said something like this: "Ok, you have a year left and then you can move over. It will probably take a year and a half considering the final exam and everything. A year and a half is, I think, enough for me to buy my own house. It is totally doable if I focus. We can't leave where I live now. You also wont be able to find a job right away, and we should think about it"(I guess this last part was to justify being busy).

So, this sounded like concrete plans. I felt it put additional pressure on him tho (I am not defending him and deep down I know if he wanted to be with me, none of this would matter....)

 

 

 

I understand, Gracie. I believe the distance you began to feel was him losing interest. At the beginning he was more into it (not a committed relationship, but just seeing you and traveling with you). That's normal. But he lost interest that, especially when he saw you wanted more. I believe him when he says he really liked you, but I don't think he wanted to do long distance with you. On the phone of his trip when you were talking about the future, you asked how he saw things working out, he said doesn't want a long distance thing but to see you ever few months and go from there. From Aug to November you him getting distant (I don't think that was in your head )and he broke plans. He got distracted and lost interest. When it takes more effort to have something than it is worth to us, we don't do it. You don't want to be with someone who is much less into you than you them. Who is not willing to put in as much as you are. It will be an unbalanced relationship forever. I'd let this go, as hard as it is.

Edited February 6, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Gracieboo]

I did something childish and embarrassing and even though I am sorry for it, I kind of feel better. I felt like I was gonna die last night.

have posted about my break up and trying to get back with my ex who once told me "no" because he doesnt think it would work long term (I broke up with him 3 times and last time was really bad). But we still texted and he rejected me. I asked again and he ignored this time (no reply).

Well, last night was V day, and even though I am dating a great guy casually, I decided to stay home and feel bad about my failed long distance relationship. When I realized that my ex who is on whatsapp every hour or so, had been absent since 6pm, I knew he was probably on a date.

So, around 10pm, I called him. No answer. No logging in to whatsapp. This morning he finally was online and I texted him. I told him the call was by accident and I would delete his number and wont happen ever again. Guess what? No reply.

Not sure if I even wanted a reply. I am just struggling to let go. I am not even sure if I want him anymore. It might be my ego. I can't understand that he seemed sooo into me and changed over night. But he never admitted that. He kept reassuring me everything was fine. And now.... ignored my text where I said I would leave him alone.

 

Can't understand this "stringing along" mindset. Did he think it would be less painful if he kept withdrawing gradually till I got fed up?

 

And btw was I too obvious with the phone call?

Edited February 15, 2017 by Gracieboo

[MidwestUSA]

Withdrawing gradually? Girl, he's done. He told you so in January.

 

This torment is all on you.

 

Meanwhile, let casual guy go until you sort this out. Yikes.

[Miss Spider]

Hi. I am sorry you are hurting over your ex. I do not see him intentionally stringing you along. I see him ignoring it out of concern that acknowledging it at all might spur more of it on or worse. He already told you no, and that didn't dissuade you from continuing. This kind of behavior is frustrating or somewhat disconcerting to a person who has moved on. I think it will do no favors for your ego. It would be better to try to move forward as well.

[Gracieboo]

Hi. I am sorry you are hurting over your ex. I do not see him intentionally stringing you along. I see him ignoring it out of concern that acknowledging it at all might spur more of it on or worse. He already told you no, and that didn't dissuade you from continuing. This kind of behavior is frustrating or somewhat disconcerting to a person who has moved on. I think it will do no favors for your ego. It would be better to try to move forward as well.

 

When I said stringing me along, I meant he became distant in August (thus I broke up three times). Every time he blamed work and stress ad reassured be everything was fine. Then, he would talk about our next trip. He kept texting me every day, but he was distant, he was different.

And when I finally couldnt take it anymore, I broke up for the third time and of course, he blamed my behaviour and didnt want to continue. Looks like he was just waiting for me to break up.

So, if he knew it wasnt right in August, why stringing me along till December? And, as a matter of fact, I never got a closure. In the end, it was more like ghosting.

Ghosting after a date or two... fine. After a year and a half together.... ((((

 

And I stalked his fb. He looks miserable in two pictures he put up (skiing with friends). Not that it means much...

[preraph]

Maybe it is your ego. But he's moved on, so that's what you need to do. All this desperate behavior is making him pity you, not making him want you back. It's pathetic behavior, so have some pride and dignity and block him and move on. You will find someone more compatible in time. Good luck.