30 year old Virgin Male, Considering Suicide

[jmannhei]

I just turned 30 years old this past month and for the most part I feel that I am finally starting to get on track except for relationships, more specifically romantic relationships with women. After suffering from depression and severe obsessive compulsive disorder for the majority of my teens and twenties I have been able to work through most of my demons and begin to pursue other goals. I obtained my master's degree last spring and then offered full support as a research assistant to get my Ph.d in biomedical engineering. This might leave some of you asking "why the hell are you thinking about suicide then"? As I get older and see classmates and friends getting married and starting families, I cannot help but feel my lack of success with woman is a direct consequence of some sort of deficiency whether it be in attractiveness, personality or both. This feeling digs at me constantly, leaves me depressed to the point where it effects my work often leaving me feeling hopeless unable to enjoy any parts of my life. I am not saying that right now I am writing a suicide note but it has been on my mind for a while now and I am afraid that it is the inevitable conclusion if I cannot fix this problem. I do not want to kill myself, I know it will not solve any of my problems and it will be detrimental to my family, but I cannot, and refuse to cope with these feelings for the rest of my life and I only become more despondent as time passes. It is my belief that falling in love with someone, not just sex, is the most meaningful experience a person can have and if that cannot happen for me everything else does not matter and life is not worth living. I need to fix this problem and need help figuring it out.

[Popsicle]

No one is worth killing yourself over. No one. While relationships are valuable, they are not the only thing that gives life value. I learned this from an active woman in her 70's whose husband died. She said that. When you're widowed in your 70's you have to accept that there won't be another mate in your life again and thus you have to find other ways to find fulfillment in your daily life. And she has through friends, hobbies and her career.

[Downtown]

It is my belief that falling in love with someone, not just sex, is the most meaningful experience a person can have and if that cannot happen for me everything else does not matter and life is not worth living.

JM, you are pursuing the wrong goal to find happiness, i.e., "falling in love with someone." To achieve happiness and a life "worth living," you must first achieve it on your own -- finding it inside yourself. There are hundreds of LoveShack members who can tell you that, until you learn how to love yourself and be proud of your own achievements (by helping others), being loved by a new partner cannot make you happy.

 

Your notion that love will heal a man suffering from strong depression and severe OCD is seriously misguided. We know because we've spent many years trying to heal a depressed or mentally disordered partner or spouse by loving them -- only to find that it does not work. In my case, I spent 15 years adoring my BPDer exW, whom I took to six different psychologists. Healing from serious mental issues like that is an inside job. It is something you have to do for yourself with guidance from a professional.

[Lady2163]

Get to the doctor this week. Don't put it off. There's a good chance your medications need to be adjusted, that happens at times. Make sure they know you are expericencing suicidal ideation with or without a plan.

 

I had a lot of suicidal ideation for damn near most of my 30s.

 

I have a horrible time connecting with people. I have a horrible time making conversation with men. I only have a few interests and knowledge about a few occupations. Most of my hobbies are solo pursuits. What man is going to care if I try a new knitting needle or change my yarn? I never had kids, never will have kids and am not all that interested in their kids...or grandkids...I've reached THAT age.

 

Anyway, get counseling or coaching to help you assess what you want in a mate.

 

Do you like to kayak? Then join a local kayak club or group. Whatever your interest or hobby is, there's a chance there's a group that meets in your area.

 

Ever had a desire to learn to cook any specific type of food? Cooking classes are a good way to meet women and to network. You may be in a class with a woman who thinks you would be perfect for her niece. Oh - and you learn to cook, which is never a bad thing.

 

Let your friends know you'd like to meet someone. You're old enough to know how to be a grownup if there isn't a connection.

 

Finally, single life isn't awful. It's okay to be a late bloomer. I'm a loner in my social group. I never had kids and I've been divorced for 20 years. I haven't had a steady, reliable boyfriend that entire time. I actually have one former female friend who has been divorced THREE times in 20 years. She lives in a 60 year old shack of a house, her kids are messed up and her car is ten years old. She's made more money than I have in 20 years, she's made over $1 million after taxes but she's a moron. I have a great house, toys and gadgets, car that I'm happy with and I travel more than she does, eat better than she does and I can take care of myself, where she can't.

 

There's a great many positives to being single than to settle for substandard companionship.

[mikeylo]

You are ONLY 30 !

 

Stop looking for love. Live your life and look for a woman who is good for you. Unless you in a desert, you just need to look around for women.

[LoveFiend]

Interesting your going for your P.h.D and your a virgin still at 30. An interesting statistic I read online is that the more educated a person the later in life they tend to lose their virginity.

 

I got my Masters degree and I lost my virginity at age 25 to my first wife. I was in same boat as you then felt I had no hope with women. Until I decided to change my thinking. At age 25 I was a virgin, now I am 40 and have had 38 sexual partners and I am only 5'4".

 

You remember taking economics in college, supply and demand curve? Remember statistics classes and learning that the more you do something the more likely you will have success? I applied that to dating and ended up on top.

 

I stopped caring what criticisms women who rejected me thought or caring about being rejected. I knew the more women I asked out according to laws of probability I would be eventually getting dates. They could call me short, fat, needy, whatever I didn't care I just moved on. They said no to a date, I became very tough and thick skinned I didn't let it effect me and just moved onto the next girl to ask out. Instead of losing I ended up winning and accomplishing my goal. After so many rejections I would get dates. Some dates ended in just dinner & movies and some dates ended in sex. If she said at end date didn't have any romantic feelings for me, I didn't let her opinion stand in my way and didn't take it personally. With every rejection I knew it would make me just emotionally a lot tougher inside and only help me in the long run. I went onto the next girl, and the next, and the next until I was getting dates and sex at the end of the date and I made up my mind I wasn't going to settle for anything less. I would go on dates with another woman the very next day a woman rejected me on a date, I didn't sit around feeling sorry for myself I said to myself this is what I want to accomplish and I will not let any rejection or anyone's opinion stand in my way of accomplishing my goals.

 

I widened my net and didn't limit my options by only going after a certain type. I dated women younger than me and older than me. I dated white, latino, black, and asian girls. I dated women as short as 4'11 and as tall as 5'11. I dated very thin women and women who were overweight.

 

I am only 5'4". I am almost 40 now, I have had 38 sexual partners, been married twice and just proposed to a co-worker I have known for years who I just started dating past few weeks. She already told me she wants to be married to me.

 

I once went out to California to have a date with a woman who suffered from dwarfism and was once featured on the hit show "Little People, Big World". She really treated me good and introduced me to all the stars to the hit show out in California. Despite being born with dwarfism she had tons of dates and men in her life, she made up her mind what she wanted out of life and she accomplished it. She was a role-model for me.

 

I am only 5'4" and if I can land dates and that woman from the hit show "Little People, Big World" can land a ton of dates, buddy you can too! you just have to believe in yourself.

Edited January 2, 2017 by LoveFiend

[Timshel]

I obtained my master's degree last spring and then offered full support as a research assistant to get my Ph.d in biomedical engineering.

 

I do not want to kill myself, I know it will not solve any of my problems and it will be detrimental to my family

It is my belief that falling in love with someone, not just sex, is the most meaningful experience a person can have and if that cannot happen for me everything else does not matter and life is not worth living. I need to fix this problem and need help figuring it out.

 

Falling in love is not the most meaningful experience a person can have.

 

Off the top of my head, here are a few of the experiences that mean the most to me, despite having fallen in love a few times:

 

Taking off my boots in the snow and giving a man my wool socks because he was walking in sandals.

 

Coming upon two car crashes and assisting until EMS, one the young women survived, the other did not.

 

Cradling a seizing person's head in my arms and praying.

 

Paying it forward...anonymously.

 

Climbing a mountain, building a cabin and passing a ball to win a play.

 

Holding a person's hand when they needed it held.

 

Biomedical engineering will give you an opportunity to help thousands of people. I understand the power of human touch, the desire to feel your heart skip a beat and feel understood and loved.

Please take suicide off the table because you have yet to experience this.

If you kill yourself, you are removing any possibility.

 

Please make an appointment with your mental health provider immediately. You have a whole life to live and love is about giving...start there, it will come.

[E-Squared]

Dude, I was a virgin until last April. I was four months shy of turning 30. I wouldn't worry about it. I hope you get through your problems.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry about how you are feeling. I can understand that if things don't seem to work out for you, you will question what is happening, but you are making various assumptions that could be false. It is not as easy as some think to find that special connection - for any of us. Some people are impulsive, think they've found it, go through all the motions, then are only together for a short while. Maybe you are more cautious and do not rush into things. That is a good quality. It might mean that you wait longer than the more impulsive characters to find that special person, but it is not a fault in you.

 

It sounds like what you need is a real connection. People get together for sex. This is an instinct but it does not really mean there is a real emotional connection: that is much harder to find. Perhaps you need to learn how to build a connection. There needs to be a bridge between meeting someone, getting to know them as friends/acquaintances, and developing something deeper. It is about being more vulnerable with people and being willing to talk about how you feel. I would guess you maintain a bit of a distance because it feels safer. That may be something you could look at.

 

Looks? Well of they course they can matter for initial attraction, but look around, there are plenty of unattractive-looking couples who seem happy enough. Looks are only a small part of the whole picture of building relationships.

 

Putting yourself in a place where you can meet people is important. People say to follow your interests, which works great if you like something that women like too. If you are geeky and go along to geek-meets, you are less likely to meet women (not impossible but less likely), so it is worth looking at your social outlets. Staying in, not talking to women, and not taking any risks to get to know them, will not help.

 

Being a virgin is not a problem. I am much older than you and if I liked a guy that would not put me off him. What would put me off is poor hygiene, bad manners, lack of intelligence and a lack of interest in me. If you show interest and vulnerability, women will respect that. We also like a sense of humour, creativity, originality, and romance.

 

Basically, do not make any assumptions about why you haven't met the right person yet. Your assumptions could be entirely wrong. It is a matter of luck, being in the right place, making the right connection, and then making that personal connection with a woman so that she can see your genuine and honest nature, the child in you.

Edited January 2, 2017 by spiderowl

[DarrenB]

 

Biomedical engineering will give you an opportunity to help thousands of people. I understand the power of human touch, the desire to feel your heart skip a beat and feel understood and loved.

Please take suicide off the table because you have yet to experience this.

If you kill yourself, you are removing any possibility.

 

 

Reposted for emphasis.

 

There is still an immense amount of hope for you to find love, Jmann.

 

Don't let ageing and the anxiety that you will not find perpetual love be the reason for your life to be taken.

 

You serve purpose and meaning in this world, like we all do. Provide for yourself and you will be provided and fulfilled by others.

 

Godspeed.