Ongoing disagreement

[Fenway]

My wife and I have been married over 40 years. She is very caring, loving and my best friend. She is an amazing woman whom I cherish. However, since retiring several years ago she gets frustrated with me because when she "just talks" about something I often offer my own opinion about the subject. Sometimes the subject is me and sometimes it is not. However, when I don't agree with what she is talking about me, I quickly disagree with her and offer my own unsolicited opinion. Often I become defensive. That causes her great distress. She feels that when she is "just talking", I should just listen and think about what she has said and don't get back at her. She feels I am getting back "at" her. I think I am just getting back "to" her with my opinion.

 

My problem is that I feel like she just wants to say what she has to say and I should just shut the .... up. That is fine, however if I don't agree, I feel that I have a right to stand up for myself.

 

Today she asked me a favor. She said we need to respect each other and when she is "just talking" about me, I should have enough respect to listen and not disagree. I was not surprised and pointed out that she should also respect me enough to listen to my side. Her conclusion was that there I was doing the same thing again and that I am hopeless.

 

So, someone tell me that I am wrong to stand up for myself and that I feel like she is unwittingly trying to bully me even though she doesn't see it. She thinks I am being a bully by responding to her "just talking." I can solve this problem by just listening and saying nothing. Is it time for me to surrender my self respect in exchange for marital harmony?

[DKT3]

Yes and no. For one you can't disagree with how she feels, she feels what she feels and you have no right to disagree with that.

 

I see how she could be frustrated with that.

 

Secondly, you've been married a long time, surely you've figured out she doesn't need you to fix anything, she needs someone to listen, show empathy and reassure her feelings. We men tend to want to fix our women's issues and problems.

 

My wife and I have a rule that when we discuss how our actions or behavior affect the other that we don't respond for 48 hours.....It works, not all the time because sometimes we just busy at the seams to express disagreement, but most of the time it works. Take some time to reflect on what she is saying, makes sure she isn't making a valid or understandable miscommunication.

[Fenway]

Okay, say for example she says "You ALWAYS leave that hallway light on."

Since I know I sometimes leave that light on, without even thinking about it, and not getting upset respond that is not true and that I sometimes leave it on.

She hates that.

[zouz71]

I am on that ship since few years , married for 20 .

to tell you the truth , it is frustrating .

 

the way i see it is that when ppl get older they become closer to be borderline , they have only black or white , compromises disappear.

 

myadvise is to always respond with a sense of humor ; because if u shut down she will go Passive aggresive , and if you respond in a direct way you will go into an argument .

 

It is always also surprising to me why some wives respond to a question with another questin !

[road]

Okay, say for example she says "You ALWAYS leave that hallway light on."

Since I know I sometimes leave that light on, without even thinking about it, and not getting upset respond that is not true and that I sometimes leave it on.

She hates that.

 

After 40 years she has lost patience with you leaving on the hall light.

I bet you leave that light on more times then you turn it off. So claiming you do not leave it on all the time is just you putting a spin on it just like a politician to worm out of being wrong.

So you leave the light on, never turn it off, is her being pissed off. Then you take that statement as literal and because you do not leave the light on 100% of the time makes you innocent and her a bee-itch. Isn't politician speak wonderful?

 

 

Also when asking you to allow her to rant, you can not does so. You must instantly interrupt and putting a spin on things.

 

 

Damn it! She asked to rant and you can't even allow her to get it all out.

 

 

Dollars to doughnuts if she was to rant at you right now you could not stay quiet for a full 24 hours before you respond to her.

[anika99]

"You always" and "you never" are statements that are rarely true and usually trigger a defensive response from the person on the receiving end. However when your wife is making statements like that she is likely feeling frustrated and wants her feelings validated, not an argument about whether you do something sometimes or always. So you are both triggering negative responses.

 

Try having a conversation with her about how you feel when she makes exaggerated claims about you and your actions. Let her know that you find it hard to listen and be receptive when she is speaking in hyperbole. Don't wait until your next argument to have this conversation because then it will look like you're just being defensive and not listening again.

 

I can't say I understand your wife's expectation. I could never abide by some rule that says my partner gets to complain about me and criticize me and I'm not allowed to respond. I couldn't do it and I wouldn't expect my partner to do it either. I think it's fine to talk openly about your complaints but one should expect a little back and forth dialogue. Then again I haven't managed to sustain a relationship for 40yrs so what do I know?

[Fenway]

Me again. It is hard to fathom why my wife feels that way. Perhaps I don't give her enough time to air her complaint because she tends to repeat it several times instead of just saying it and being done with it. Maybe that is why I tend to jump in too soon. Not sure. I did discuss the contents of the posting with her before I posted it. She had no objection to my explanation. I want this to be a helpful process, not just one where one or the other is vindicated. Vindication serves no useful purpose. It is hard especially because she is an awesome and caring wife and help mate. I would never be where I am today without her and that is a fact.

 

Seriously, when she does that (demanding I listen and don't reply) it makes me feel that she expects to get away with treating me like a child. You know, when you tell the child they are wrong about something and you don't want to hear any back talk. That is how it feels. When I explain that to her she says she is "just talking" and I shouldn't have to get back "at" her. The problem is the "just talking" is at my expense. Thanks for listening. Comments welcome.

[Popsicle]

If she wants to stay married, she shouldn't criticize you so much. Who wants to live like that? On the other hand, you should try to correct your actions that are annoying her, instead of defending what you do.

[SunnyWeather]

maybe you two should get a little space from each other?

 

sounds like you two are figuratively on top of each other, and maybe a little time apart, even just for a separate activity during the day, would initiate wanting to be literally on top of each other again

 

seriously. get out and get some air and find some of your own thoughts and activities again

[anika99]

I believe my wife is sincere in her pain. Today she explained to me an example of something I said. New Years Eve the neighbors had a party and it was loud and late. The rest of the year they are quiet over there. My wife told me several times that it was too loud (especially the base). I said it didn't bother me thinking it is ok to be a little tolerant on New Years. She repeated that several times and I agreed with her and still maintained it didn't bother me. My thinking is, hell, it is New Years and if we complain they will just turn it up louder. Live and let live I say.

 

In conclusion, she sincerely felt that I was discounting her opinion because of my tone of voice, thus implying that she is stupid or that her opinion was wrong. The hard part is that I believe she is very sincere and truly hurt. I didn't think I was discounting her opinion, just offering mine as well. I call it conversation. Thanks for listening and commenting.

Perplexed.

 

First of all you should not interrupt your wife when she is sharing her feelings or opinions. Give her time to fully express herself. Now one thing I've seen couples therapist recommend is something called active listening rather than passive listening. That means that once your wife has had her turn to speak you then paraphrase back to her what you heard her say and include what she said about how she feels.

 

So if she says to you something like " you always leave the light on, I'm sick and tired of having to go behind you turning off lights or telling you to turn of lights, why can't you just do what I ask" you might say back to her "so you are saying that I leave the lights on too often and this frustrates you and makes you feel like I don't listen to you" Repeating her concerns back to her is not an admission of guilt, it's just demonstrating that you are listening and have understood her meaning, it also helps you to process the meaning before you become defensive and react. Often when couples argue the listener isn't listening at all, they are just silently building their own argument in their head and waiting for their turn to go off on the talker. So this active listening is supposed to ensure that the listener is really listening and understanding before they respond.

 

So once your wife has had her turn to speak and you have listened and validated that she has been heard and understood then you should be able to respond. You might say something like "I'm sorry you feel like I never listen to you. I understand how it may seem like that since you frequently turn off lights that I have left on. It's not that I don't listen to you, it's just that I can be forgetful but I have actually gotten much better at turning off the lights and I think when you are not angry you know that is true. I can try harder to remember to turn off the lights but when you snap at me and tell me I never turn off the lights when that is not true I feel attacked and belittled. Then it's your wife's turn to repeat back what she heard and validate your feelings. Then you say that you will be more mindful of her words and make more of an effort to turn off the lights and then your wife says she is sorry that sometimes her strong approach comes across as belittling and she does appreciate all of the good things you do. Then you kiss and go have a cup of tea. Bwahahahahahaha....does any couple actually argue that way? Not in my world. but I've read that this is the correct way to argue so I figured I'd pass the info on.....lol.

[Fenway]

Good thoughts. i have practiced active listening before and it is always a good idea. It is a great technique and I eventually forget to use it. I know a guy who always does that when we chat and it feels good since you know he is actually listening to you. Like you said most people are mentally building their case on what they want to say and are only half-listening.

 

Another thing is that when you ask someone "how do you feel" that makes you vulnerable when there is a real issue. Most of us don't want to feel vulnerable. Thanks for the tips. The advice people give is heartfelt and I very much appreciate it.

[Noirek]

I definetly think this is a goes both ways one. If she airs a greivance and you instantly defend yourself without seeing it from her POV that builds up frustration. If she is getting upset over something and instead of just listening you dismiss it by saying it doesn't bother you that can be frustrating.

 

And I hate absolutes and accusations that are exaggerations so I can see how that is frustrating to you.

 

My advice besides the active listening is to work on not jumping to the defense but really think about where she is coming from.

 

I have a pet peeve. Its a common one I guess. Anyways, when I cook a meal and I let my husband know it is ready it drives me crazy when he doesn't come because he is sitting on his computer. I expressed this and he really didn't see the problem as he didn't think he was taking that long... so I timed him and showed him that if I didn't keep telling him on his own he took 15 minutes to come so we could eat... he didn't realize because he wasn't paying attention to his own actions. I find that behaviour rude and when i am tired I am extra sensitive to it.

 

However at first I was just asking him and asking him and getting angry and he wasn't hearing me. And I realized myself I wasn't helping the situation.