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Is my marriage worth saving?


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Where do I begin? My husband and I have been together for over 10 years..married for 7. He is funny and a joy to be around for others.We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter.I however,have never felt so ALONE and EXHAUSTED.

I do everything for our daughter..bathing,feeding,getting her ready, taking her to daycare, you name it.I do all of the cleaning in the house on top of working full time. I have always gotten up with our daughter at night and in the morning.When he isn't working,he usually doesn't get out of bed until 12:00 noon. He never goes anywhere with us.EVER. We go everywhere alone,with an exception of every once in a while.He is not motivated.He wants to stay home all of the time.Except....his weakness..the casino.At least 3 times a month,he goes and stays gone until 2-3 am. When we go on dates...that's where we go...SO boring. We have had a lot of financial problems in the past with this addiction,but we worked on it. I am a firm believer that you can't change someone unless they want it.I have done my share of arguing about it all,but it only makes things worse.

He is my first and only sexual partner.I have also come from a family of strict rules and alcohol abuse. I must be honest...I have developed an emotional affair from loneliness with someone.I don't love this person and I know it's so wrong,but I crave the attention so badly.

Do I stay or is this my cue to move on?I stay so down in the dumps.I know there must be more to life than the way I feel.Marriage shouldn't feel this way...so empty. He is a good person...but perhaps he is not for me.

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Ok - so picture your life after divorce - 6 months, 12 months, 2 years out.

 

Really think about it - where you might be living, how you are paying the bills, child care for your 2 year old, support from family or friends, your work, interaction with your ex over child support, visitation, etc.

 

What life do you see ? What are the upsides and downsides for you - and your daughter in this possible new life ?

 

To me it appears that your husband provides no help or benefit as a husband OR a father. So I am not sure what you loose (or your child) by divorcing. Of course money and support and living arrangements need to be thought out.

 

Also suggest you talk to a lawyer about money and legal issues. Just a consultation - you dont have to file for divorce right now but you should have expert advise.

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whichwayisup
Where do I begin? My husband and I have been together for over 10 years..married for 7. He is funny and a joy to be around for others.We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter.I however,have never felt so ALONE and EXHAUSTED.

I do everything for our daughter..bathing,feeding,getting her ready, taking her to daycare, you name it.I do all of the cleaning in the house on top of working full time.

 

Hire a cleaning lady to come once a week. You both work so you can afford it.

TELL your husband, father of your child that he needs to be more of a family man and help, do his part and not let you do it all. If you cook, he should be doing the dishes. He can certainly help change diapers and give you a break in the evenings and put his child to put, read stories, give her a bath etc.. He should want to do that!

 

 

I have always gotten up with our daughter at night and in the morning.When he isn't working,he usually doesn't get out of bed until 12:00 noon. He never goes anywhere with us.EVER. We go everywhere alone,with an exception of every once in a while.He is not motivated.He wants to stay home all of the time.Except....his weakness..the casino.At least 3 times a month,he goes and stays gone until 2-3 am. When we go on dates...that's where we go...SO boring. We have had a lot of financial problems in the past with this addiction,but we worked on it. I am a firm believer that you can't change someone unless they want it.I have done my share of arguing about it all,but it only makes things worse.

He is my first and only sexual partner.I have also come from a family of strict rules and alcohol abuse. I must be honest...I have developed an emotional affair from loneliness with someone.I don't love this person and I know it's so wrong,but I crave the attention so badly.

Do I stay or is this my cue to move on?I stay so down in the dumps.I know there must be more to life than the way I feel.Marriage shouldn't feel this way...so empty. He is a good person...but perhaps he is not for me.

 

You owe to your daughter, to yourself and your husband to give your marriage a real shot. Communicate with your husband how you're feeling and why, do marriage counseling together. To walk away without even trying would be a shame.

 

He needs to grow up and be a family man, think of you and his daughter instead of just himself.

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Hire a cleaning lady to come once a week. You both work so you can afford it.

TELL your husband, father of your child that he needs to be more of a family man and help, do his part and not let you do it all. If you cook, he should be doing the dishes. He can certainly help change diapers and give you a break in the evenings and put his child to put, read stories, give her a bath etc.. He should want to do that!

 

 

 

 

You owe to your daughter, to yourself and your husband to give your marriage a real shot. Communicate with your husband how you're feeling and why, do marriage counseling together. To walk away without even trying would be a shame.

 

He needs to grow up and be a family man, think of you and his daughter instead of just himself.

 

The problem is that is all just talk. It is basically asking him to be a good person, not be a compulsive gambler and to engaged and responsive to family life.

 

What does she do if he says "no" or just simply does not do it.

 

In order for her life to improve, she is going to have to take an action. If she were to file for divorce and move out, that might cause him to reflect and make the effort to change his character and behaviors.

 

Or it may not.

 

But either way, simply asking him to become another person rarely if ever accomplishes anything. Otherwise we could just ask all the criminals of the world to stop committing crimes and be good people.

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Ok - so picture your life after divorce - 6 months, 12 months, 2 years out.

 

Really think about it - where you might be living, how you are paying the bills, child care for your 2 year old, support from family or friends, your work, interaction with your ex over child support, visitation, etc.

 

What life do you see ? What are the upsides and downsides for you - and your daughter in this possible new life ?

 

To me it appears that your husband provides no help or benefit as a husband OR a father. So I am not sure what you loose (or your child) by divorcing. Of course money and support and living arrangements need to be thought out.

 

Also suggest you talk to a lawyer about money and legal issues. Just a consultation - you dont have to file for divorce right now but you should have expert advise.

 

I agree with the above.

 

What do you have to lose by divorcing and moving on with your own life?

 

You really don't have an involved husband and father now. How will that be any different post divorce?

 

He likely won't want to have anything to do with the child after divorce because that would interfere with him sleeping all day and gambling all night.

 

In a divorce the court will order him to pay mandated child support so you'll still get financial assistance. Right now he can squander all the money he wants and he can refuse to contribute to the household. Once there is court ordered child support in place, he will have to pay that amount whether he wants to or not, and if he doesn't he will be subject to legal action.

 

 

Instead of the house you are living in now, you may have to settle for a bit smaller apartment, but that would be a whole lot less to clean and maintain.

 

If you are out on your own, there is the possibility that you will meet someone kind and decent that will want to be with you and will be supportive.

 

There is also a chance you won't of course, but if you stay in this empty marriage, you are guaranteed of never having those things in a partner.

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LivingWaterPlease

At this point it could be a vicious cycle, you stay down in the dumps, he turns to his addiction.

 

Before you divorce, think about the practical aspects of that as mentioned by an earlier poster.

 

Then find your way out of your depression without depending on him changing at all. Believe me, as a single mom you will find plenty to be down in the dumps about. It's not an easy life.

 

Do you believe in God? In your place I would develop my relationship with God, join a church and look for companionship with other women.

 

You mentioned that you're having an emotional affair. Affairs, whether physical or emotional will suck the life out of a person while also providing a false sense of excitement and well being, just like gambling does.

 

So both you and your husband are using an addiction to self medicate for internal issues. For the sake of yourselves and your child I recommend God and counseling. If he won't go to counseling, go on your own.

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ShatteredLady

When kids are involved I always (except extreme cases with abuse etc) think it's worth giving it one last go BUT you need to put it all on the line.

 

As others have said...

 

* Get a free legal consultation & SHOW that you mean business!

 

* Make a list of what you NEED to turn this marriage around.

* If casino was 2-3 times a YEAR with a set budget would that be ok?

* Every Sat or Sun should be 'Family Day'.

* Every other night should be his turn to bath, read & bed your child.

* Split the chores.

* Date night once a week.

 

Some men do find it hard to make the change from single life to being a parent. I remember my husband going on about matriarchal society after our first was born!! No!!!

 

I think some men switch off when their wives are begging for change. They don't see how bad things are until it's over & they're caught wondering what went wrong. No! Not all women nag!

 

Be honest. Tell him about your emotional affair (that needs to stop!) & your intent to divorce. This is his last chance to grow-up & become a husband & father. Many divorced men I know now spend far more time with their children than they ever did when married! So sad.

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Some men do find it hard to make the change from single life to being a parent.

 

I was definitely one of those men. It was a huge paradigm shift for me. And even after 15 years, I still have not received any Father Of The Year nominations.

 

But there is a big difference between a decent, sincere man needing some pointers and encouragement on how to be an active and involved father and someone squandering the family finances on gambling to all hours of the night and neglecting and ignoring his wife and family and living his own life while leaving the burden of childrearing and home responsibilities to her alone.

 

Probably most men need some pointers and encouragement in dealing with babies and young children, but being absent while gambling, ignoring the needs of wife and children etc are character issues.

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^^ Agreed. This kind of behavior would not be acceptable to me. He would either have to make some BIG changes or I would be doing a lot of thinking...

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