Am I being too harsh? Trust and MIL issues

[invictus_buddy]

Hello everybody.

 

My partner and I had been in a happy relationship for some years before things started to go downhill...

We started with a "long-distance" relationship (150 miles apart) with me most often going to meet her in her town during the weekends. She was a genuine girl, far from the materialistic type of women you can find nowadays, which i really liked about her. When learning to get to know her some more, I had to make her understand a few things, namely that due to who I am (expat for 10 years, mostly self-made and seeing my family an average of 6-10 days per year), I learned to be very independent, and be very self-conscious about my decisions and their consequences. That therefore, as an adult, I expect my partner to be able to make decisions by herself, wrong or bad (mistakes happen), but to just live up to their consequences, if any. Told her I am not the type of boyfriend who prevents my partner from doing things, that I do not like acting as a "police-man". Also, I realized soon enough she is very close with her mom (parents are split up) and I also warned her that for me, there is only so much time i can spend with in-laws (even my parents...), again pointing out I would not ask her not to spend a weekend at her mom's... just that sometimes she might go alone.

 

All went super OK until 4 months ago. She started to act crazy, thinking I hide things from her (her logical thinking is the following : If I dot not speak once in a while about me meeting female friends, or about a girl trying to approach me... then it means I am hiding things). For months I told her she was just imagining things... that I simply did not have the time do meet people... 1.5 years ago this had already happened... For 4 months, I moved in with her and was commuting 5.5hours a day for work. After a while, for financial reasons, I started to do car-share... and every night of the week was the same... She was hammering me down with questions about the female passengers... convinced that they were flirting with me. This made me very upset... since I was the one going through 5.5 hours of driving just to live with her... All this with her telling me she trusts me...

 

This went on for three months of constant bashing... up till the point that I actually entered a single flirting episode with a girl at a bar, that lasted 15 min. I knew i was doing something wrong, just as i knew i was not going to cheat. I however entered the flirting game knowingly. My girlfriend got to learn it. after apologizing, she did admit that her attitude had a small part of responsibility in me accepting a flirting game. I then promised her this would never happen again... and kept my promise.

 

Now comes the mom problem.We decided a year ago (all was going well) to start a family. Baby is now 6 weeks old. Her mom, who was already taking much space before, is now EVERYWHERE. A small example about the situation... (bear in mind my partner knows that i need my own space away from family...)! Dec 21/22/23/24/25/26 both my parents, who flew over, and her mom are with us. 3 days at home, then three days at a hotel for Christmas. after that, my partner decided to spend an extra two nights 26/27/28 at her mom's place... without really asking my opinion about it. I kept my mouth shut and said nothing. On the 28th evening, we went home. ON the 30th, her mom was already back in our apartment... Is it me being too harsh, or is that too much?? I really am lost... my partner keeps telling me its normal... i keep thinking its unhealthy...

Also... my MIL keeps bringing us food ANYTIME she visits... even filling the freezer with chicken breasts and sausages... The way I see things... she can cook for us sometimes... but not always (my partner simply does not cook... and obviously does not learn at all... i work 45/50 hours a week and she decided to be a stay-at-home mom). Also.... as a man, i see it as my role to make sure we have food on the table...

 

No later than last night, she starts an argument when I had explicitly asked to be left in peace and quiet for a few days after having had to see her mom for two days again. One of my partner's issue is her incapacity of staying true to her words. Whatever she tells me she will do... she wont. She had promised to leave me alone for a couple of days... knowing i was going back to the office today... which helps get out of the conflict zone... Regardless, two hours after saying ok to that... she caused a fight again. And then during that fight comes again the following : "you do not tell me about girls, so it means you are hiding something... Why don't you tell me about girls"

 

So I stayed calm and replied the following : "Look, let's just imagine that a girl would try to approach me, whether online or at a shop..."

 

And She just stopped me there saying : "See, this means that It happened already. How many girls did you meet behind my back?".

 

I was really pleased she did that. I could then tell her "How you just reacted is the exact reason why I would not tell you about that. Because you would overreact, just like you did"...

 

To what of course she said its not true, and called me a liar.

 

What the hell do I do now? :-)

[Nowty V]

From what you've said, how you react to over-stimulation in domestic settings, I would say there is a remote chance that you are a Highly Sensitive Person.

 

This is quite a privileged disposition to have. It is a Physiological condition not a Psychological one, it means you have a sensitive limbic system. This is a hereditary genetic trait and your newborn may have inherited it.

 

You could do yourself and your newborn a lot of good if you researched it in order to rule it 'In' or 'Out'

 

This book is most informative

 

The Highly Sensitive Person:

How To Thrive When The World Overwhelms You

by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.

 

This book is a good read

 

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

by Susan Cain

 

The fact that you need to retreat into peace and quiet, without third party stimulation, suggested this to me.

 

As for your partner, who knows where her suspicions will take you, if you have the suggested trait you may be shy on general disclosure which could be triggering her suspicion.

 

You need to know where you're at so you can best deal with where she's at.

[invictus_buddy]

From what you've said, how you react to over-stimulation in domestic settings, I would say there is a remote chance that you are a Highly Sensitive Person.

 

This is quite a privileged disposition to have. It is a Physiological condition not a Psychological one, it means you have a sensitive limbic system. This is a hereditary genetic trait and your newborn may have inherited it.

 

You could do yourself and your newborn a lot of good if you researched it in order to rule it 'In' or 'Out'

 

This book is most informative

 

The Highly Sensitive Person:

How To Thrive When The World Overwhelms You

by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.

 

This book is a good read

 

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

by Susan Cain

 

The fact that you need to retreat into peace and quiet, without third party stimulation, suggested this to me.

 

As for your partner, who knows where her suspicions will take you, if you have the suggested trait you may be shy on general disclosure which could be triggering her suspicion.

 

You need to know where you're at so you can best deal with where she's at.

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

I have actually looked into it, and also saw somebody about that. I do have hyper-sensibility traits, but also took a long time before going into "retreat mode".

 

I have talked with her peacefully over and over again about those issues... and everytime we talked about those issues she did admit she had no reasons to think like that... and that obviously it will stop. I also tried everything which is in the book... always complimenting, bringing unexpected gifts and so on to try to build her self-confidence up but none of that helped in the long run.

 

I am now lost at what to do... I offered her to go see a couple/relationships specialists to hear it from a true professional... she just refuses to go. And I offered to do so telling her if the specialist says that I am 100% wrong, I will do the necessary adjustments... but she just will not accept it.

 

That is the reason i started to retreat...as a last resort. If I do not retreat nowadays she finds reasons to argue (we are talking about me not folding my socks together, occasionally walking with my shoes in the house... when i actually am the one cleaning the floor everyweek...)

 

I do not know what to do, really.

[Nowty V]

Your MIL has her own prejudiced self-interest toward her daughter. She is old enough and ugly enough that you will never change her.

 

You will never come between a Mother and her Daughter, to try is folly and will only breed conflict.

 

The Mother will work her voodoo on the daughter and have her dance to her tune, the Daughter will have the head worked on her and will reciprocate.

 

The MIL may be displaying unfeeling ignorance in your book, but the two of them have been at it for decades.

 

If you have the HSP trait, and your newborn has inherited it, you will need to behave in a controlled and accepting way so your newborn grows in an environment devoid of conflict between the significant adults.

 

Hopefully your newborn will grow to love you and be aware that their Grandmother is off her box, but they'll love her anyway.

 

If MIL wants to fill the freezer let her get on with it, and you save a few $'s.

 

You're the man of the house, that's a physical fact, be an appropriate example for your newborn.

 

Not all the situations are that threatening to you, but if you are HSP that could be your initial take on something, a threat. Feel your rhythm and learn to love it, apply it in a positive way, without conflict.

 

That doesn't mean you get walked over, it means you can have confidence in your decisions.

 

A relationship requires compromise. You need to actively listen to your partner and hear what she says. This can be hard if you have been overstimulated at work and had a 5 hour commute. You could establish a 30 minute period on returning from work without communication where you take a bath and unwind before tackling any issues that have developed for your partner in her day.

 

There is more than one way to skin a cat, you just have to find ways that work for both of you.