Is a Girls Vacation ok??

[DKT3]

That's how he set it up...he told her no or I leave. That's not a discussion from a spouse, that's playing "dad" & when a spouse acts like a parent it's normal for the other spouse to rebel.

 

No its setting boundaries, they both have choice and free will. If she chooses to go then he is free to leave. Again you or no one else here, not even OP has the right to dictate his deal breaker. Period

[Whoknew30]

No, he needs to do exactly what he is doing, state his opinion and leave it up to her to make her decision. Emotional blackmail? Hardly, it's telling your spouse what you will and will not accept in your marriage. She makes her choice then he makes his. No one has the right to dictate to other what deal breakers they should have in thier marrige.

 

My wife absolutely hates motorcycles, but I love to ride, for her me owning a bike is a deal breaker. Does my desire to ride outweigh the discomfort of her worrying about me riding? I no longer own my bike.

 

I absolutely hate motorcycles...hate! But I never took the option from my H bc I have no right to...he's a grown man that works. Who am I to tell a grown man he can't do what he wants within reason. No one has the right to dictate how a grown adult lives within reason (not spending over their means, cheating, addiction) even if they're married IMO, that isn't healthy. That's what helped put my marriage in a really bad position. When spouses start telling each other what they're going to do & threatening to divorce...well that's not marriage, that's codependent.

[Imajerk17]

Well, I am late to this thread, but I did peruse the responses so far. I tend to agree with your husband. We aren't talking about a girls' NIGHT out (which is something that a lot of guys still have issues with), we are talking about a girls' WHOLE WEEK, in a foreign country no less. That is just something that a majority of men--trust issues or no trust issues--would say absolutely no how no way to their wives doing. Especially if your girlfriends are single (I didn't see whether or not they were). The conditions you are proposing--skyping every day, letting him buy an expensive TV--don't really change this.

[BettyDraper]

Nor is dictating and threatening retribution if one does not agree with the opinion. Does not bode well for a healthy marriage.

 

I agree. However, if a spouse is making such serious threats then they must be very uneasy about their partner's decision. Of course, that doesn't excuse the ultimatum either.

 

My husband knows that I have difficulty trusting due to seeing a lot of infidelity as a child. When his boss asked him to go on a business trip, my husband offered to cancel it in order to make me feel comfortable. I refused to let my insecurities hold my husband hostage and possibly damage his career. However, I was also touched by my husband's consideration for my emotional damage.

 

Both spouses in this situation need to be more considerate of each other. The OP can make alternate arrangements such as shortening the trip or asking her friend to come see her. Her husband can also be more flexible and willing to let go of his trust issues.

 

My husband and I agree that we would rather be happy than right.

Time with friends is simply not worth this much strife in our house.

[LargoLagg]

Again compromising isn't getting someone to agree with your side, it's meeting in the middle. Her badgering him to agree isn't compromising.

Like you no longer ride your bike kind of compromising?

 

I'm just funning' with ya. Like I said earlier, this is about what you can live with and what you can't. If bikes were your thing, and you just HAD TO HAVE ONE, then I take it you wouldn't have this wife any more.

 

It's unfortunate that there's not an extensive checklist of things to consider before getting married, so that you can compare attitudes about things.

 

Which kind of makes me wonder when you decided you'd rather have this old lady and no bike vs. a bike and whatever your other options are.

[Whoknew30]

I agree. However, if a spouse is making such serious threats then they must be very uneasy about their partner's decision. Of course, that doesn't excuse the ultimatum either.

 

My husband knows that I have difficulty trusting due to seeing a lot of infidelity as a child. When his boss asked him to go on a business trip, my husband offered to cancel it in order to make me feel comfortable. I refused to let my insecurities hold my husband hostage and possibly damage his career. However, I was also touched by my husband's consideration for my emotional damage.

 

Both spouses in this situation need to be more considerate of each other. The OP can make alternate arrangements such as shortening the trip or asking her friend to come see her. Her husband can also be more flexible and willing to let go of his trust issues.

 

My husband and I agree that we would rather be happy than right.

Time with friends is simply not worth this much strife in our house.

 

It's not about time with friends...it's principal. A spouse should actually sit down & listen...he didn't do that, he said no & then threatened divorce. It's not healthy & goes beyond friends...if he gets away with it with this, he'll always use the "I'm leaving" when she does anything he doesn't like. It's manipulation tactic. It won't stop with this...had he said I'll be unhappy, named actual reasons why he doesn't trust her, ok but the way he did it is just to have control over her actions. That's not how you start a marriage.

[DKT3]

Like you no longer ride your bike kind of compromising?

 

I'm just funning' with ya. Like I said earlier, this is about what you can live with and what you can't. If bikes were your thing, and you just HAD TO HAVE ONE, then I take it you wouldn't have this wife any more.

 

It's unfortunate that there's not an extensive checklist of things to consider before getting married, so that you can compare attitudes about things.

 

Which kind of makes me wonder when you decided you'd rather have this old lady and no bike vs. a bike and whatever your other options are.

Never said I didn't ride, only that I didn't own one, thus the compromise...She had a very close relative die from an accident on his bike

[LargoLagg]

Never said I didn't ride, only that I didn't own one

and I didn't say you never rode, I said you never rode YOUR bike.

 

details, details.

[elaine567]

There are ways to practice self care without deeply upsetting your spouse.

 

Surely that works both ways.

 

Here we have a modern, independent thinking, "globe trotting" woman, married to an "traditional" thinking man with trust issues and a need for control.

NOT a good mix.

 

Largo Lagg made a good point earlier.

Here's the situation. You can either live with compromising for him, or you can't. He can either live with compromising for you, or he can't. There's probably no changing of minds here, there's only "can I live with it?"

 

Can you? Can he? Nobody knows but you and him. You may have just met the dealbreaker for your marriage.

[BettyDraper]

Surely that works both ways.

 

Here we have a modern, independent thinking, "globe trotting" woman, married to an "traditional" thinking man with trust issues and a need for control.

NOT a good mix.

 

Largo Lagg made a good point earlier.

 

 

You've made an excellent point about not being a good mix. Traditional folks should just marry each other.

I feel like this conflict can be an opportunity for growth on both sides.

[Got it]

Did I say he was? Maybe I missed were I did.

 

Neither is, but he said he doesn't like the idea and she isn't offering an alternative only trying to get him to accept her plans.

 

Honestly this marriage sounds doomed, and they both are acting like brats.

 

Nor is he. Since this is something his wife wants to do, and it is his issue that has nothing to do with her, why doesn't he come to the table with a compromise? Again, she didn't create this problem, he brought it into the marriage, so he needs to do the heavy lifting to make it better, not her.

 

His insecurity, his baby to rock.

 

And, no, I don't think they are acting like brats, that is just rude of you to say. I think they need help on how to communicate/listen better, to put themselves in the other person's shoes and to try and come together.

[DKT3]

Nor is he. Since this is something his wife wants to do, and it is his issue that has nothing to do with her, why doesn't he come to the table with a compromise? Again, she didn't create this problem, he brought it into the marriage, so he needs to do the heavy lifting to make it better, not her.

 

His insecurity, his baby to rock.

 

And, no, I don't think they are acting like brats, that is just rude of you to say. I think they need help on how to communicate/listen better, to put themselves in the other person's shoes and to try and come together.

 

And according to OP he plans to leave his f she goes, so he is rocking his baby by removing himself from the situation.

 

Listen, it doesn't matter if you've been married 1 month or 50 years, if your spouse does something you don't like you have two choices accept it or not. It appears to be his choice to not accept it. No one can really fault him for that.

[YoungInLove]

Did I say he was? Maybe I missed were I did.

 

Neither is, but he said he doesn't like the idea and she isn't offering an alternative only trying to get him to accept her plans.

 

Honestly this marriage sounds doomed, and they both are acting like brats.

 

DKT3 I think you need to go back and re-read my posts. Not knowing the root of his concerns I have offered: Skyping daily, international phone calls so he can call/text whenever he wants, cutting the trip short, an alternative location, if he felt money was the issue I offered he spoil himself with something he wanted (a new tv). I've offered several compromises however all of them were met with "married people don't vacation without their spouses" and no further explanation.

 

Unfortunately the lady with the timeshare is not married and does not vacation with her boyfriend yet so inviting him along would not be an option.

[Lady2163]

I missed the part where her friends still treat her like she's single. And, she's not a child who has to walk in baby steps to appease her husband's trust issues.

 

Baby steps was a euphemism for moderate concessions in the marriage when it came to time apart.

 

I don't know how her friends issued the invitation. But I at my age, I know which married friends are willing and able to leave their husbands overnight, for a weekend or a week. I don't dangle the carrot in front of friends who don't have that kind of marriage.

 

There's no way I'd ask a newlywed to do this.

[DKT3]

DKT3 I think you need to go back and re-read my posts. Not knowing the root of his concerns I have offered: Skyping daily, international phone calls so he can call/text whenever he wants, cutting the trip short, an alternative location, if he felt money was the issue I offered he spoil himself with something he wanted (a new tv). I've offered several compromises however all of them were met with "married people don't vacation without their spouses" and no further explanation.

 

Unfortunately the lady with the timeshare is not married and does not vacation with her boyfriend yet so inviting him along would not be an option.

 

No, I got it all the first time. If his stance is married people don't vacation alone then where is the compromise if you're continuing to get him to agree with you?

 

Look you both have the choice to decide what's important. The bottom line is there is an opportunity cost of being married, that is you can't be single, you have to be OK with giving up some of the single girl activities.

 

I'm not saying he is right and you are wrong or vise versa. I'm saying that no one, yourself included has the right to dictate to him what his deal breaker will be. He is well within his rights to leave if he was any happy with you or the decisions you make.

 

And for the record a compromise in your situation would be you and your husband taking a trip to where or close to where your girlfriend lives then you spending some time with her while he goes to play a round of golf or to a casino. It's not compromising to basically force him to agree to you taking a vacation without him if taking a vacation without him is the problem... Surely you get that.

[understand50]

DKT3 I think you need to go back and re-read my posts. Not knowing the root of his concerns I have offered: Skyping daily, international phone calls so he can call/text whenever he wants, cutting the trip short, an alternative location, if he felt money was the issue I offered he spoil himself with something he wanted (a new tv). I've offered several compromises however all of them were met with "married people don't vacation without their spouses" and no further explanation.

 

Unfortunately the lady with the timeshare is not married and does not vacation with her boyfriend yet so inviting him along would not be an option.

 

YoungInLove,

 

I get it. You want to go on the trip. I am sure you have no bad intentions. Your husband is not OK with this. You may find a way to have him say yes, but this will be a issue going forward in your marriage. You now state you are questioning the whole underpinning for your marriage. My only thought about all this, is that you are putting too much on the line for a trip. Both of you.

 

This whole thing is showing large issues in the marriage. What you decide will leave a mark whatever how you decide. How did it get to this point? You need to ask that question, and get a good answer. You both need to talk this out.

 

At this stage, your marriage may not have some of the "glue" to overcome this. When you have time under your belt, you have kids, a history together, and that can get you over the ruff spots in a relationship. I have been married 40 plus year, and married when I was 19. There have been many times I wondered if I made the right choice, but each time was tempered with the knowledge of what we had together. This took time building. My suggestion, to to talk this out, and make sure what ever you do will not end this marriage. If it does, you need to realize that your relationship was flawed from the beginning. Both of you just were not ready.

 

I wish you luck....

[noelle303]

If he's the kind of guy who would leave a happy marriage and a supportive wife over her spending one week with her girlfriends, then I don't even want to think about how he will act when actual problems arise.

 

I don't think that a simple ''married people don't vacation without their spouses'' is a good enough explanation. He should communicate with you what exactly are his beliefs and concerns over you spending this one week away from him. He needs to realize that he either has trust issues with you or an insecurity issue with himself and both of those are deeper problems than just this vacation and will not be solved by you not going on it.

[Got it]

I agree. However, if a spouse is making such serious threats then they must be very uneasy about their partner's decision. Of course, that doesn't excuse the ultimatum either.

 

My husband knows that I have difficulty trusting due to seeing a lot of infidelity as a child. When his boss asked him to go on a business trip, my husband offered to cancel it in order to make me feel comfortable. I refused to let my insecurities hold my husband hostage and possibly damage his career. However, I was also touched by my husband's consideration for my emotional damage.

 

Both spouses in this situation need to be more considerate of each other. The OP can make alternate arrangements such as shortening the trip or asking her friend to come see her. Her husband can also be more flexible and willing to let go of his trust issues.

 

My husband and I agree that we would rather be happy than right.

Time with friends is simply not worth this much strife in our house.

 

Okay, but if it meant a lot to your husband is it right that he would have to cancel due to your issue? I just am not seeing the reasoning why. And he may have offered because he knew you would take a mature and empathetic approach so he could trust you weighing all sides.

 

That doesn't seem to be the case with the OP and he has not shown, at least through her telling, an iota of understanding or empathy.

 

And not all people make serious threats just because of how uneasy they may be. It is also an unhealthy conflict tool that someone uses to "one up" and shut down the conversation. Some people are more mature than others on addressing issues and fears. He may not be one to push through his fears, happier to stay in the box around it and so feels threatened when pushed to address it/explain it and so lashes out instead.

[Got it]

And according to OP he plans to leave his f she goes, so he is rocking his baby by removing himself from the situation.

 

Listen, it doesn't matter if you've been married 1 month or 50 years, if your spouse does something you don't like you have two choices accept it or not. It appears to be his choice to not accept it. No one can really fault him for that.

 

That is a very unhealthy way to have a marriage. No, both partners have the responsibility to try and meet in the middle. Not voice an opposing opinion and shut down all conversation.

 

And yes I can ABSOLUTELY fault him. It's an over reaction and an illogical opinion. So being immature will get you a win I guess but not a marriage.

 

In my marriage we discuss things. Sure we may do things the other doesn't like but we discuss it, deep dive it, try and figure out why the other person feels the way they do, why we feel the way we do, and try and meet in the middle. Frankly we act like a team and respect the other person by paying them this courtesy of effort. Not a freaking pissing match where its my way or the highway.

[DKT3]

If he's the kind of guy who would leave a happy marriage and a supportive wife over her spending one week with her girlfriends, then I don't even want to think about how he will act when actual problems arise.

 

I don't think that a simple ''married people don't vacation without their spouses'' is a good enough explanation. He should communicate with you what exactly are his beliefs and concerns over you spending this one week away from him. He needs to realize that he either has trust issues with you or an insecurity issue with himself and both of those are deeper problems than just this vacation and will not be solved by you not going on it.

 

Very true, but she was aware of this before they got married. As was he about her travel. The problem is now neither of them are being very mature or empathic to the other.

[Got it]

If he's the kind of guy who would leave a happy marriage and a supportive wife over her spending one week with her girlfriends, then I don't even want to think about how he will act when actual problems arise.

 

I don't think that a simple ''married people don't vacation without their spouses'' is a good enough explanation. He should communicate with you what exactly are his beliefs and concerns over you spending this one week away from him. He needs to realize that he either has trust issues with you or an insecurity issue with himself and both of those are deeper problems than just this vacation and will not be solved by you not going on it.

 

This is it exactly.

[Robert]

Let's keep the focus on the threadstarter and their posts, please.

 

Thanks,

~6

[Got it]

Baby steps was a euphemism for moderate concessions in the marriage when it came to time apart.

 

I don't know how her friends issued the invitation. But I at my age, I know which married friends are willing and able to leave their husbands overnight, for a weekend or a week. I don't dangle the carrot in front of friends who don't have that kind of marriage.

 

There's no way I'd ask a newlywed to do this.

 

Why? This is really boggling to me that one thinks a marriage of a year or 10 years is different. It isn't like people meet and marry on the same day. Many have been dating for years. I keep envisioning this 1950s version of marriage and the happy little house wife. Why would it change from someone dating to marrying and no longer allowed to travel? And for how long before they are now deemed "allowed" to partake in these expeditions?

 

I find all of this really bafflings. I thought people saw their partners as adults and treated them as equals with the same respect and courtesies that they did before the walk down the aisle.

 

Do those that have an issue with the OP traveling, see an issue with bachelor/ette trips? And what is the difference?

 

So odd to me.

[DKT3]

That is a very unhealthy way to have a marriage. No, both partners have the responsibility to try and meet in the middle. Not voice an opposing opinion and shut down all conversation.

 

And yes I can ABSOLUTELY fault him. It's an over reaction and an illogical opinion. So being immature will get you a win I guess but not a marriage.

 

In my marriage we discuss things. Sure we may do things the other doesn't like but we discuss it, deep dive it, try and figure out why the other person feels the way they do, why we feel the way we do, and try and meet in the middle. Frankly we act like a team and respect the other person by paying them this courtesy of effort. Not a freaking pissing match where its my way or the highway.

 

Actually it's very healthy, they have really reached an impasse, there doesn't seem to be a middle ground here. He doesn't want her to go, she has s going to go. Niether is at fault, not really. They both have their stance.

 

Too often people marry the wrong people for the wrong reasons, then spend years trying to change them, its unhealthy and unbelievably unfair. Either you love and accept someone for who they are or you don't.

 

As per usual here, we have the same posters jumping on the control train, I really don't see it, he hasn't said she can't go, it appears he simply said do what you want then I will.. manipulative? Maybe, but only if he doesn't hold up his end, then it's just a deal breaker. We can discuss this for months, but really that's what it comes down to.

[kgcolonel]

Agreed with the above post, each are entitled to their own perspective however without compromise, any relationship will fail.

 

I see that neither one of them is truly ready to be married, she doesn't do a very good job of balancing her priorities regarding GF time and H's concerns and he is lousy at communicating his perspective and working through the issues.

 

I, personally would not be too thrilled with my newly wed wife going to Mexico, to party it up without me for a variety of reasons, not all of them trust concerned. I also would not be too thrilled with my spouse telling what i could and could not do, however, that is not what he has done. He simply said go if you want to but it is a deal breaker for me. Wrong? in my opinion if not wrong, very poor taste but I do give it to him in providing an honest answer.