Is a Girls Vacation ok??

[Els]

DTK3 and others like him are right...

 

This is not something that people in a young marriage do, at all.

 

For anyone to think that it makes no difference where you are, and it makes no difference about cheating, PLEASE. JUST PLEASE.

 

On a single girls vacation, with plenty to drink, and a hot guy from god knows where.... Yes the desire and opportunity to cheat is far, far greater.

 

I mean, you use a condom, you are hundreds of miles away from mean old controlling husband, why not?

 

So... you are completely fine with your partner telling you that you are NEVER allowed to travel without her, citing this reason?

[Lady2163]

Why? This is really boggling to me that one thinks a marriage of a year or 10 years is different. It isn't like people meet and marry on the same day. Many have been dating for years. I keep envisioning this 1950s version of marriage and the happy little house wife. Why would it change from someone dating to marrying and no longer allowed to travel? And for how long before they are now deemed "allowed" to partake in these expeditions?

 

I find all of this really bafflings. I thought people saw their partners as adults and treated them as equals with the same respect and courtesies that they did before the walk down the aisle.

 

Do those that have an issue with the OP traveling, see an issue with bachelor/ette trips? And what is the difference?

 

So odd to me.

 

Because the majority of newlyweds don't have the money to throw around like this and if she only has two weeks' vacation a year, he/she should spent it with their spouse.

 

A girls' overnight or weekend, is reasonable to me.

[Els]

Because the majority of newlyweds don't have the money to throw around like this and if she only has two weeks' vacation a year, he/she should spent it with their spouse.

 

A girls' overnight or weekend, is reasonable to me.

 

Yet the OP's husband himself is not saying this. He's not saying "You know, a week is a bit long, I was hoping we could go to [insert romantic destination] and you might not have enough leave left over - can you go for 4 days instead?". He's not saying "Are you sure we are able to afford it? Could we go over our budget?"

 

All he said was, "married people don't vacation without their significant others." End of story. He made zero mention of budget or time or any attempt to discuss such. Without further clarification (which seems impossible since the OP has said that he immediately shuts down any discussion), I'm not sure why people are making up reasons for him that he hasn't even mentioned.

 

If he had said any of the things in the first paragraph, my responses would be different.

[Noirek]

.

 

My wife absolutely hates motorcycles, but I love to ride, for her me owning a bike is a deal breaker. Does my desire to ride outweigh the discomfort of her worrying about me riding? I no longer own my bike.

 

When I met my husband he had a bike... and was buying a new one. I hated bikes. Not just because of a close family member dying from one bt also because I was raised with them being "mudercycles". My fear was strong.

 

But I am not some insecure controlling ninny. I would never have asked at any point for my husband to sell his bike (which he still has and loves). My fear and predjudice was my problem not his. There was no compromise to be had. I knew my fear was unfounded because I knew far more people who died in car accidents. So I faced my fear and chose to get over it. I trusted my husband's judgement and riding someone else's bike or owning his own would not change any danger he would be. I even took it a step further and rode on his bike with him.

 

Now my plan in a few years is to get my own liscense and bike. We are going to take bike trips and I am really excited for that.

 

Husband didn't need to compromise or give up something he loved. I didn't need to test him like that.

 

I feel threatening to leave someone because they want to do something that is not bad is wrong and really doesn't bode well. They aren't in their first year of marriage anymore either. I haven't read how long before marriage they lived together so that takes that whole newly wed thing out of the picture too. If your together five years but only married 1.5 you are not in the same catagory as real newlyweds (sorry folks marriage lite is the start of the honeymoon now a days).

 

i know many couples who sometimes take vacations alone. My own parents are one and this other fabulious couple who vacation together and apart. Another close friend of mine went to the carribean without her husband recently and then again with. Happily married people. No codependacy or controlling there. And yes, saying you would leave your spouse who has never done anything wrong if they go on a trip is controlling.

 

OP,

I understand your confusion over this. Not just the disappointment over a missed vacation but also being told you can't do something (basically ever again by his words) like you are a child. I think you need to maybe take a step back and think about whether or not you want to be married to someone who will hold divorce over your head if you do something he doesn't like. It brings an imbalance to a relationship and like you said makes you question it. I am not sure you need to go on this trip. But if you don't this time make it clear that you are not giving up trips forever. If he is going to hardball then you need to communicate to him your stance. He can choose to leave you or not over this. But it is his choice and issue not yours.

[DKT3]

When I met my husband he had a bike... and was buying a new one. I hated bikes. Not just because of a close family member dying from one bt also because I was raised with them being "mudercycles". My fear was strong.

 

But I am not some insecure controlling ninny. I would never have asked at any point for my husband to sell his bike (which he still has and loves). My fear and predjudice was my problem not his. There was no compromise to be had. I knew my fear was unfounded because I knew far more people who died in car accidents. So I faced my fear and chose to get over it. I trusted my husband's judgement and riding someone else's bike or owning his own would not change any danger he would be. I even took it a step further and rode on his bike with him.

 

Now my plan in a few years is to get my own liscense and bike. We are going to take bike trips and I am really excited for that.

 

Husband didn't need to compromise or give up something he loved. I didn't need to test him like that.

 

I feel threatening to leave someone because they want to do something that is not bad is wrong and really doesn't bode well. They aren't in their first year of marriage anymore either. I haven't read how long before marriage they lived together so that takes that whole newly wed thing out of the picture too. If your together five years but only married 1.5 you are not in the same catagory as real newlyweds (sorry folks marriage lite is the start of the honeymoon now a days).

 

i know many couples who sometimes take vacations alone. My own parents are one and this other fabulious couple who vacation together and apart. Another close friend of mine went to the carribean without her husband recently and then again with. Happily married people. No codependacy or controlling there. And yes, saying you would leave your spouse who has never done anything wrong if they go on a trip is controlling.

 

OP,

I understand your confusion over this. Not just the disappointment over a missed vacation but also being told you can't do something (basically ever again by his words) like you are a child. I think you need to maybe take a step back and think about whether or not you want to be married to someone who will hold divorce over your head if you do something he doesn't like. It brings an imbalance to a relationship and like you said makes you question it. I am not sure you need to go on this trip. But if you don't this time make it clear that you are not giving up trips forever. If he is going to hardball then you need to communicate to him your stance. He can choose to leave you or not over this. But it is his choice and issue not yours.

 

I really enjoyed my bike, had one as a teenager then got another one after we divorced.

 

I know it's her issue, but she is my wife and I love her. So to me her comfort is more important than a possession or activity. For me it's a none issue, sure I folded my arms and stomped my feet but in the end I chose to make her happy over making a point.

[elaine567]

I think you need to maybe take a step back and think about whether or not you want to be married to someone who will hold divorce over your head if you do something he doesn't like.

 

I fear this is just the start of the OP's problems. If she decides to stay home then a precedent is set and she in effect loses her friends as she can never go visit them.

Where does this end?

 

Married people can't go to visit family without their partner.

Married people can't go out to dinner without their partner.

Married people can't go for coffee with friends without their partner.

Married people can't go to the supermarket without their partner.

Married people can't be seen out on the street without their partner.

 

...but you can do what you like, but if you don't do as I say, then I am getting a divorce...

[TennisGal]

I find it interesting that some say that his response is not controlling. What is the purpose of threatening to leave her if it is not to control her behavior (i.e., make her refuse the trip)? It hardly seems like the kind of thing one says as just information. And where does it stop? What else is she not allowed to do without a threat of being left? Care for an ailing parent out of town? Help a sister who has just had a baby out of town? Attend a friend's wedding when he can't get off work?

 

Frankly, I don't think a year and half of marriage falls under the "newlywed" objection some are making. The first few months, sure; maybe a year. My husband went on a scuba trip without me only a few months after we got married.* Big whoop.

 

 

* In case someone asks why I didn't go with him: No room for tag-along non-diver spouses on a live-aboard. There were both men and women friends of his on that trip. As I said, big whoop.

[BettyDraper]

I really enjoyed my bike, had one as a teenager then got another one after we divorced.

 

I know it's her issue, but she is my wife and I love her. So to me her comfort is more important than a possession or activity. For me it's a none issue, sure I folded my arms and stomped my feet but in the end I chose to make her happy over making a point.

 

This. There's nothing wrong with pleasing your spouse if they have a huge problem with an activity or a possession.

 

I think that the OP and her husband would do well to attend marriage counseling. The OP's husband likely needs some individual counseling as well. Communication seems to be a serious problem. I wish couples would discuss such issues and come to certain agreements BEFORE marriage. There would be far less divorces if more couples did this.

[YoungInLove]

Thank to everyone for your input. I came here looking for clarity and a little more insight. I appreciate all points of views (even if they didn't necessarily agree with me) and you've all given me a lot to think about.

[sandylee1]

I think there's a difference between vacationing with the girls and a girls weekend. I have the latter, but I don't think my husband would have a problem with the former, however if he didn't want me to go, then I wouldn't go.

 

I would be upset if he didn't want me to even have a girl's weekend away and I wouldn't be accepting of that.

 

I don't think it's worth jeopardising your marriage at the newly wed stage

 

TBH, if I was a single woman, I wouldn't invite a married friend away for a whole week, especially a newlywed friend. I'm pretty independent as women go, but if your husband doesn't believe married people should vacation without each other, then respect his view on it.

 

Maybe when your friend is more serious with her man, you can do a couples vacation.

[RationalOne]

YoungInLove,

 

I get that you want to spend quality time with your friend, however, you need to look at it from your husband's perspective as well.

 

Your single friend who doesn't even want to travel with her boyfriend basically disinvited your husband and is essentially asking you to join her in Mexico for a week of mingling. This is not showing a lot of deference to your husband.

 

She's single and wants to have a partner in crime. You're married and already have one.

 

The fact that your husband doesn't want to discuss this at all is a bit concerning but he might have felt insulted by this whole proposition. You're essentially married wanting to act single.

 

Every marriage is different and every couple sets and/or negotiates their own boundaries. For some those boundaries are infidelity for others they are traveling alone. This is normal.

 

Your husband is stating his boundaries and the consequences for crossing them.

You are essentially left with three options: Compromise, yield, or bail.

 

You don't want to yield or bail, so as far as compromising, why not offer to travel together where you get to see a lot of your friend while your husband enjoys his own time but you still travel together?

 

How would you like it if your husband wanted to travel to Amsterdam for a week to meet up with his single friend [for dinner and sightseeing ] without caring how you feel about it?

[kgcolonel]

I find it interesting that some say that his response is not controlling. What is the purpose of threatening to leave her if it is not to control her behavior (i.e., make her refuse the trip)? It hardly seems like the kind of thing one says as just information. And where does it stop? What else is she not allowed to do without a threat of being left? Care for an ailing parent out of town? Help a sister who has just had a baby out of town? Attend a friend's wedding when he can't get off work?

 

Frankly, I don't think a year and half of marriage falls under the "newlywed" objection some are making. The first few months, sure; maybe a year. My husband went on a scuba trip without me only a few months after we got married.* Big whoop.

 

 

* In case someone asks why I didn't go with him: No room for tag-along non-diver spouses on a live-aboard. There were both men and women friends of his on that trip. As I said, big whoop.

 

Some of your points I can agree with but in my mind, the bottom line is that these issues should have been dealt with before the vows. It appears to me that both are looking to play house and not "build" a partnership. They should be making plans with married people who share common interests, not single people looking to party it up without their spouses.

 

He, too is at fault in that he evidently brought too much baggage to the marriage in the form of trust issues. If this is the why he says go but come back as a single person and she is still considering it....this alone speaks great amounts of where the M is anyway. I don't think the M is all that great if both are willing to divide assets over a single week in Mexico. Placing blame is not a marriage building practice, understanding and finding solutions is a marriage building practice.

 

Both are a fault, no question and since both have the same amount to lose, they are equally at fault.

[Noirek]

I really enjoyed my bike, had one as a teenager then got another one after we divorced.

 

I know it's her issue, but she is my wife and I love her. So to me her comfort is more important than a possession or activity. For me it's a none issue, sure I folded my arms and stomped my feet but in the end I chose to make her happy over making a point.

 

Its not about making a point. Its about you enabling her issue and self entitlement. One should never have to give up something harmless for another person. Fears are often irrational and not something to be catered to if they are. the loving thing is not to demand your spouse give up something. I horseback ride. My husband knew I horseback rode when I married him. It would be completely wrong and selfish of him to even suggest I give it up. Or to be pouty or manipluative about it.

 

Honestly I think if the OP wants to give this a shot she could consider giving up this trip but tell her husband that she will be going on one at a later date for a shorter amount of time and maybe not out of country. Give him time to accept that yes married couples do travel apart and she will not be a prisoner in her own marriage. In the end the choice to leave her over this is on him not her. She isn't handing out ultimatiums, he is.

[BettyDraper]

Its not about making a point. Its about you enabling her issue and self entitlement. One should never have to give up something harmless for another person. Fears are often irrational and not something to be catered to if they are. the loving thing is not to demand your spouse give up something. I horseback ride. My husband knew I horseback rode when I married him. It would be completely wrong and selfish of him to even suggest I give it up. Or to be pouty or manipluative about it.

 

Honestly I think if the OP wants to give this a shot she could consider giving up this trip but tell her husband that she will be going on one at a later date for a shorter amount of time and maybe not out of country. Give him time to accept that yes married couples do travel apart and she will not be a prisoner in her own marriage. In the end the choice to leave her over this is on him not her. She isn't handing out ultimatiums, he is.

 

Just out of curiosity, would it be selfish of your husband to ask you to give up horseback riding out of concern for your safety? It's a very dangerous sport after all.

[Whoknew30]

Its not about making a point. Its about you enabling her issue and self entitlement. One should never have to give up something harmless for another person. Fears are often irrational and not something to be catered to if they are. the loving thing is not to demand your spouse give up something. I horseback ride. My husband knew I horseback rode when I married him. It would be completely wrong and selfish of him to even suggest I give it up. Or to be pouty or manipluative about it.

 

Honestly I think if the OP wants to give this a shot she could consider giving up this trip but tell her husband that she will be going on one at a later date for a shorter amount of time and maybe not out of country. Give him time to accept that yes married couples do travel apart and she will not be a prisoner in her own marriage. In the end the choice to leave her over this is on him not her. She isn't handing out ultimatiums, he is.

 

100% agree, selfish & controlling! I hate motorcycles, with a passion hate them but my H is a man that I love. It's what he loves to do & I can't even imagine taking that option from him...honestly though if he had gave it up for me, I would have lost a little respect for him. I like the passion he has for the things he'd never give up, I think it makes him more attractive!

 

I think it's mutual respect to treat your spouse as an equal, not like your child.

[Poutrew]

This thread remind me of an old joke (which I paraphrase badly):

 

Newlyweds

 

Wife: I want to go on a ten day Caribbean cruise with my wild girlfriends.

Husband: Absolutely not! I forbid it. I know what you girls do when us men aren't around. If you go, we divorce!

 

30 year marrieds

 

Wife: I had wild, pornstar quality sex with several studs I ran into during my carribean cruise with the hen club.

Husband: That's ok, hun. I've been burning up the sheets with that 18 year old from down the street while you were away, so I am too tired to do anything right now anyway.

 

Seriously, these kinds of questions ought to have been asked and answered before they got married. Everyone has their own deal breakers, and they ought to have been known before hand. Even if the wife in this example doesn't go on the trip, long standing resentments will be left in the relationship on her end, and on hubby's end, the knowledge that his wife was willing to feed him a sh*t sandwich of such magnitude so early in the marriage will color everything else from this time onwards... sheesh. No one is going to come out of this thing untouched. My advice to the OP is to divorce her husband, then go on as many trips and bang as many people as you can before you ever contemplate marriage once again. Whatever you do, don't ever stop taking birth control...

[Noirek]

This thread remind me of an old joke (which I paraphrase badly):

 

Newlyweds

 

Wife: I want to go on a ten day Caribbean cruise with my wild girlfriends.

Husband: Absolutely not! I forbid it. I know what you girls do when us men aren't around. If you go, we divorce!

 

30 year marrieds

 

Wife: I had wild, pornstar quality sex with several studs I ran into during my carribean cruise with the hen club.

Husband: That's ok, hun. I've been burning up the sheets with that 18 year old from down the street while you were away, so I am too tired to do anything right now anyway.

 

Seriously, these kinds of questions ought to have been asked and answered before they got married. Everyone has their own deal breakers, and they ought to have been known before hand. Even if the wife in this example doesn't go on the trip, long standing resentments will be left in the relationship on her end, and on hubby's end, the knowledge that his wife was willing to feed him a sh*t sandwich of such magnitude so early in the marriage will color everything else from this time onwards... sheesh. No one is going to come out of this thing untouched. My advice to the OP is to divorce her husband, then go on as many trips and bang as many people as you can before you ever contemplate marriage once again. Whatever you do, don't ever stop taking birth control...

 

Hyperbole?

 

Seriously, if someone wants to cheat they will cheat regardless of trips alone or GNOs. That is too seperate things. If the OP had already cheated on him thab I'd say of course she shouldn't go. But she hasn't nor has she gave any reason for him not to trust her. The friend isn't single just not to the taking your boyfriend on a trip stage. People have such over active imaginations. And that is on them.

 

Jumping from her going on a trip with her friends to calling her a cheater is uncalled for, low and does not add anything to this discussion.

[Noirek]

Just out of curiosity, would it be selfish of your husband to ask you to give up horseback riding out of concern for your safety? It's a very dangerous sport after all.

 

Not only does it have risk but before my second child I did show jumping and eventing. But My husband married me knowing I did this. It may not be selfish for him to ask me to give up something because of his own fears but it would be wrong and narrowminded and stupid. Everytime I get in a car I could get in an accident. And I do that far more than riding or he rides his bike. But common sense would say you can't ask someone to give up what they love doing because of your own fears. Plus I don't really have any option but to drive. I live rural.

 

All the blablabla about giving up someone for your spouse can go both ways. So between the OP giving up ever going on trips without her husband or the husband giving up his fears the latter is far more of a partnership.

 

And its easy to say this should be discussed. But I can tell you this isn't a common premarriage discussion. Its not like having kids or where to live or if someone is going to be a stay at home parent or not. I don't fault the OP or the husband for not discussing this before. Some things can't be anticipated in marriage. One's communication should be just good enough to tackle these differences as they arisr.

[basil67]

To address the idea that she give this up because it's so important to her husband, I will suggest that the husband accept it because it's important to her. Acceptance of something which is important to a partner goes both ways.

 

My husband has gone on skiing weeks with the boys. When the kids were younger, I was not impressed about him going and leaving me with the kids on my own...but it was important to him so I gave my blessing.

[Els]

How would you like it if your husband wanted to travel to Amsterdam for a week to meet up with his single friend [for dinner and sightseeing ] without caring how you feel about it?

 

Never been to Mexico, so just wondering... is Mexico genuinely known for sex tourism the way Amsterdam is known for it? I've never actually known anyone to visit Mexico just for the gigolos/prostitutes, whereas I know a few who did just that with Amsterdam.

 

Anyway, has the OP's husband expressed that he thought the location was the issue, rather than just the concept of her 'traveling alone'? Would he be okay if she was going to Montreal or Florida or Prague or whatever instead of Mexico?

 

If he genuinely just has issues with Mexico (and more importantly, is willing to discuss a compromise with the OP), I think it'd be okay for her to ask her friend to meet up in a different location.

[italianjob]

The problem is that "boundaries and dealbreakers" are not the same thing as "having an issue with something".

 

You might compromise over the latter, you don't compromise over the former. Either you are ready to include something in your marriage/relationship or you just are not.

 

I don't know how long they were dating before getting married, but boundaries and dealbreakers should have been discussed before the wedding.

 

Personally, I agree with the husband. You will spend half of your vacation time abroad with single friends I barely know (she said they were at the wedding, but she sees them rarely, so I suppose he's seen them a couple of times)? I wouldn't want that in my marriage, and I can see how that could be a dealbreaker for him.

 

So when he says he could walk away I don't see as a threat, but stating a fact: I don't want to be married to someone that would just step over my stated boundaries after one year of marriage to spend a week with friends.

I wouldn't either, and I think he is also reconsidering the marriage as a whole as the OP says she is.

 

Because of course, this is also true the other way around. She might not want to live her life with someone that won't be ok with her doing whatever she decides to do.

 

Maybe they shouldn't be a couple. Their view of marriage sounds too different...

[Els]

Personally, I agree with the husband. You will spend half of your vacation time abroad with single friends I barely know

 

Do you guys only get 10 days of leave a year in the US?

[italianjob]

Do you guys only get 10 days of leave a year in the US?

 

I might be wrong, but I've read that she has two weeks per year, and she would spend one on this trip...

[road]

The whole interacting group dynamic varies. It has to do with age/generation, socio economic status and personal preference.

 

I have/had a group of friends which consisted of my parents, their friends and adult children. The birth years ranged from 1930 to 1972. When we get together for potluck, the men go.through the line first. I've always thought that was crap, since "ladies first" must not apply when there is food involved and in all instances the WOMEN made the food, not the men.

 

I also saw the woman born in 1930 go through the line with her husband, fix his plate "do you want potatoes, do you want beans?" Then go to the back of the line to fix her own plate.

 

I actually think the comments on here aren't dependent on generation. It's crossing all lines.

 

When women were women.

 

 

The man broke his back working hard to buy the food. The wife fixing his plate was not subservient but showing appreciation and love for the husbands efforts doing his best to be a provider. It's not just about a wife putting out.

 

 

Making America great again.

[sandylee1]

Well I'm lucky to have 32 days holiday, but I wouldn't spend half of that on a vacation with a single friend.

 

My husband sometimes goes on skiing holidays alone and I don't have a problem with it. I go on ladies weekends and he's okay with it.

 

I don't think you are ever going to be able to discuss every possible scenario before marriage. You wouldn't have known this would be an issue. So I'm not blaming you for that.

 

I would tell your friend that your husband isn't happy for you to vacation without him and arrange another meet up with her, that's not a vacation.

 

To go on the vacation, would be putting your friend above your husband and that will be the beginning of many marital problems you have.