Is a Girls Vacation ok??

[sandylee1]

I'd praise Jesus if my husband wanted to go on vacation with his friends. Holy crap. I would watch netflix and drink wine all day.

 

This made me laugh.

 

I have to say I do like some time away from my H too. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

[SaveYourHeart]

But its not your right to dictate what is a boundary in thier marrige or his personal boundaries.

 

I know a couple who actively date other people, there is no sex involved, but the f they meet someone interesting of the opposite sex they allow one another to explore that interest. Hey, that wouldn't work for me.

 

Their marriage isn't your marriage, her husband isn't your husband and they may have different boundaries.

I didn't dictate anything, thank you. I said it was silly, and it is. Now the underlying issue isn't silly or laughable. But to think that you marry someone just to be told you can't do anything, ever, is silly.

[SaveYourHeart]

For a week, in Mexico.

 

Context.

It would be strange and weird and awkward if my friend invited my husband to a girls' week in Mexico. She would be the absolute third wheel, especially if my husband and my friend don't know each other well.

[Mz. Pixie]

I witnessed a huge thread jack on another post where the OP commented about advice given here by a poster here so I had to come here and read.

 

Her husbands trust issues are his alone. He needs to work on them. However she can help by being more trustworthy etc. in the end though she shouldn't have to carry his baggage.

 

However it sounds to me like there are underlying issues here that we may not know about. He dislikes this friend. He thinks it's sketchy etc.

 

For me in my relationship I recently had this come up. I wanted to go to Vegas with my newly single friend and she offered me a paid trip. My partner was not ok with that. He asks for very little. So instead of continuing to try to manipulate and convince and ask I simply agreed. My relationship is worth more than this trip or anything else it represents.

 

It's more that neither of us gets much time off work together. And that would be five vacation days I would be giving up. Not a matter of trust.

 

If he's generally a good man and this is his one line I'm not sure why it's that big of a deal not to cross it.

[CommittedToThis]

I have to say I do like some time away from my H too. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

 

Time apart is crucial to a healthy relationship, no argument there. We're talking about a week in Mexico a year or so into the marriage.

 

Stuff like spending time apart doesn't always happen in the first few years of marriage, generally. It's something that comes with maturity, something the OP seems obviously lacking ie. calling her H her "father" because he set a boundary backed up by his concerns.

 

Like I said, I'm smelling something fishy going on. Things seem somewhat proprietary with regard to the girl friend.

 

I think H is feeling something in his gut about all of this, and W isn't helping at all.

 

I hope he trusts and follows his instincts; frankly, considering the OP called him "insecure", to me he sounds very secure. He knows what is acceptable to him and he's willing to draw the line.

 

Good on him.

[Got it]

And for those saying that the predicament is about the friend or the vacation is more important than the husband you are missing the forest for the trees.

 

This is not about the friend or the vacation. This is about an issue that one party is not willing to discuss and has thrown down the ultimate gauntlet over without any willingness to respect the other side to try and see their point and meet them halfway.

 

For me this would be about myself being respected to be trusted to go away, to not be treated like a child and to have a spouse that saw me as an equal and not a subordinate. That they would respect me to engage in discussion over and not dictate and threaten me.

 

Luckily I do not have a spouse that dictates and makes sweeping ultimatums and treats me like an equal.

[Whoknew30]

It would be strange and weird and awkward if my friend invited my husband to a girls' week in Mexico. She would be the absolute third wheel, especially if my husband and my friend don't know each other well.

 

Agreed! I think it's weird for a H or W to want to be the only SO there. I don't want to be the only W on a vacation...is be embarrassed for my H if I did that to him.

[YoungInLove]

The thing I find slightly odd is this isn't a "girl's" week out, this is the OP and one of her friends. Just the two of them together. Unless I read things incorrectly.

 

I wonder why this girlfriend is insisting on just the two of them together? Why can't H come along, and why wasn't he invited in the first place?

 

I can't quite smell a fish but I may have seen a tell-tale swirl on the water's surface.

 

I never said it was just the two of us, I said she invited me. There actually would be a total of 4 women going. 1 engaged, 1 anticipated to be engaged in the near future, 1 single, and myself.

 

Referring to my original post when I said that I love my husband. And later posts when I said I have no interest in cheating.

[CommittedToThis]

It would be strange and weird and awkward if my friend invited my husband to a girls' week in Mexico. She would be the absolute third wheel, especially if my husband and my friend don't know each other well.

 

I understand; H would definitely be in the way of the W and the GF's personal time together over the course of a week together in Mexico, just the two of them. Why would anyone want H around to interfere with their wine and Netflix?

[CommittedToThis]

I never said it was just the two of us

 

Grazie, I mis-read it as just you and this one friend.

 

I don't smell fish anymore, but you're still in the same pickle.

[DKT3]

I didn't dictate anything, thank you. I said it was silly, and it is. Now the underlying issue isn't silly or laughable. But to think that you marry someone just to be told you can't do anything, ever, is silly.

 

That is actually very much what you and several others are doing here, telling her to ignore his boundaries.

 

I wonder what side of the fence you all would land if it was a man moaning about his wife telling him he could never go to a strip club or watch porn. Would you be telling him her boundaries are silly and go anyways?

[CommittedToThis]

I wonder what side of the fence you all would land if it was a man moaning about his wife telling him he could never go to a strip club or watch porn. Would you be telling him her boundaries are silly and go anyways?

 

We will be seeing this exact behavior from H if W decides to disregard his stated boundaries, according to OP he's all but said so (ie. you do what you want, I'll do what I want).

 

If we're patient, a few weeks after Mexico we very well may see OP here again looking for support in her newly-divorced lifestyle, or her new life with an H who does whatever he feels like doing despite her concerns.

[SaveYourHeart]

That is actually very much what you and several others are doing here, telling her to ignore his boundaries.

 

I wonder what side of the fence you all would land if it was a man moaning about his wife telling him he could never go to a strip club or watch porn. Would you be telling him her boundaries are silly and go anyways?

Are you kidding? You're doing the exact same thing in reverse. You're telling her to ignore her own happiness, her wellbeing, and her future. Because it quite simply will revolve around what he threatens to divorce her over.

[SaveYourHeart]

I gave her a little nugget of advice from the red flags I wished that I had seen in my marriage. Sorry, I thought that was what this forum was for?

[noelle303]

And for those saying that the predicament is about the friend or the vacation is more important than the husband you are missing the forest for the trees.

 

This is not about the friend or the vacation. This is about an issue that one party is not willing to discuss and has thrown down the ultimate gauntlet over without any willingness to respect the other side to try and see their point and meet them halfway.

 

For me this would be about myself being respected to be trusted to go away, to not be treated like a child and to have a spouse that saw me as an equal and not a subordinate. That they would respect me to engage in discussion over and not dictate and threaten me.

 

Luckily I do not have a spouse that dictates and makes sweeping ultimatums and treats me like an equal.

 

Seriously, when I set boundaries for my 6 year old I make the effort to explain to her why, for me it's a matter of respect and good communication. ''Because I said so'' is not a path to a healthy relationship.

 

I also may have missed something but I see nothing fishy in two close friends who don't have a chance to see each other often spending a week together, single or not.

 

I mean, if this is his absolute boundary, I guess anything can be. Dinner with co-workers - boundary, I'm divorcing you. Having a male friend - boundary, divorcing you.

 

You can't treat every issue in a marriage as an absolute dealbreaker. Sometimes you're not too comfortable with something, but you talk it through, realize where the problem lies and how can you improve on it and meet in the middle.

[italianjob]

Are you kidding? You're doing the exact same thing in reverse. You're telling her to ignore her own happiness, her wellbeing, and her future. Because it quite simply will revolve around what he threatens to divorce her over.

 

So her happiness and her wellbeing are depending on the Mexico trip?

 

And the future is a valid concern for him too. If he lets her step over what he thinks is inappropriate she will do it for the rest of the marriage.

 

Actually I think they should call it quits now, they are obviously not made to be a couple...

[SaveYourHeart]

So her happiness and her wellbeing are depending on the Mexico trip?

 

And the future is a valid concern for him too. If he lets her step over what he thinks is inappropriate she will do it for the rest of the marriage.

 

Actually I think they should call it quits now, they are obviously not made to be a couple...

The issue is that he is not willing to discuss or compromise on the matter. What about when there are bigger bumps in the road, will he threaten to divorce her just like this time? Will he use that seven letter word to control everything she does? Why isn't he willing to at least discuss the situation? Why is this such a big deal to him? Has OP done anything to contribute to his trust issues? If not, then why would he freak out over a little trip to Mexico?

[SaveYourHeart]

The issue is that he is not willing to discuss or compromise on the matter. What about when there are bigger bumps in the road, will he threaten to divorce her just like this time? Will he use that seven letter word to control everything she does? Why isn't he willing to at least discuss the situation? Why is this such a big deal to him? Has OP done anything to contribute to his trust issues? If not, then why would he freak out over a little trip to Mexico?

Is their relationship so worthless to him that he feels the need to divorce her over a seven day trip to Mexico with two girls who are going to get married and one single one? Because THAT'S exactly how I felt. Like my marriage was so WORTHLESS to him that he'd end it over helping planning my friend's wedding.

[CommittedToThis]

One of the primary red flags I ignored in my past relationships was allowing my boundaries to be disregarded. I ended up wasting my time trying to come to grips with behaviors I felt were disrespectful.

 

In other words, I tried to justify how my exes felt but at the expense of my own feelings.

 

I don't see that happening here with H; he has given his reasons for not wanting W to go on the trip, and is she disagrees and goes on the trip anyway, H is going to do what is right for him, which is likely finding another woman who chooses to respect her man's feelings first and foremost.

 

Otherwise, just be single and do whatever you want. Don't be a cake-eater.

[DKT3]

Are you kidding? You're doing the exact same thing in reverse. You're telling her to ignore her own happiness, her wellbeing, and her future. Because it quite simply will revolve around what he threatens to divorce her over.

 

I never once suggested that. What I told OP was to compromise, tell her husband in the near future she would plan a trip were they could go together close to her friends and during this trip she would say aside time for her friends. That is a compromise, but she isn't interested in compromising she just wants her way, she wants to go on this trip to Mexico. Any solution that is her going on vacation alone isn't a compromise.

[SaveYourHeart]

What about OP. What if she thinks it's inappropriate that he control what she does? He'll do it for the rest of the marriage.

[Whoknew30]

So her happiness and her wellbeing are depending on the Mexico trip?

 

And the future is a valid concern for him too. If he lets her step over what he thinks is inappropriate she will do it for the rest of the marriage.

 

Actually I think they should call it quits now, they are obviously not made to be a couple...

 

It's not about the trip...she's willing to discuss & understand where he's coming from...most women now a days aren't ok with "I'll leave you" as an answer to anything. So maybe they don't belong together but he's going to find a hard time finding another wife that makes more, allows him to live his dream job & that puts up with him telling her he'll divorce when hearing something he doesn't like or agrees with...I'd say there not too many wives out there like that.

[SaveYourHeart]

I never once suggested that. What I told OP was to compromise, tell her husband in the near future she would plan a trip were they could go together close to her friends and during this trip she would say aside time for her friends. That is a compromise, but she isn't interested in compromising she just wants her way, she wants to go on this trip to Mexico. Any solution that is her going on vacation alone isn't a compromise.

OP has stated multiple times that her issue is that he won't discuss it, won't compromise.

[italianjob]

The issue is that he is not willing to discuss or compromise on the matter. What about when there are bigger bumps in the road, will he threaten to divorce her just like this time? Will he use that seven letter word to control everything she does? Why isn't he willing to at least discuss the situation? Why is this such a big deal to him? Has OP done anything to contribute to his trust issues? If not, then why would he freak out over a little trip to Mexico?

 

1. "I don't approve of married people doing this" sounds like a clear explanation of why. This is inappropriate for him so he won't stand for it. What else must be understood?

2. She's been rehashing this for three months, it doesn't really sound so innocent or little anymore, after the umpteenth time she tries to convince him. Why would she push so much over this "little" trip to Mexico?

[SaveYourHeart]

1. "I don't approve of married people doing this" sounds like a clear explanation of why. This is inappropriate for him so he won't stand for it. What else must be understood?

2. She's been rehashing this for three months, it doesn't really sound so innocent or little anymore, after the umpteenth time she tries to convince him. Why would she push so much over this "little" trip to Mexico?

Because it's probably the only time that these four girls will be together for a very long time. Because adulthood sucks, and while she has to spend 95% of the rest of her life with a dictator as a husband, just this once, maybe she'd like to see her friends and get tan on the beach in Mexico?