Is a Girls Vacation ok??

[Mrs. John Adams]

Are you kidding? You're doing the exact same thing in reverse. You're telling her to ignore her own happiness, her wellbeing, and her future. Because it quite simply will revolve around what he threatens to divorce her over.

 

no no no no no

 

No one here wants her to be unhappy...good grief. This is not her against him...line up behind the one you want to win!!!!

 

This is...let's look at the entire situation. Let's examine whats REALLY going on with this young couple. Let's think about the repercussions of the choices...and whats the most important thing to her.

 

Everything costs.....what are you willing to pay for it?

 

If this marriage is good...if this couple is happy and this trip has thrown a wrench into the mix....is the trip the most important thing or is the marriage?

 

This husband obviously feels threatened...he's frightened...he doesn't want to lose his wife and he wants her to choose him.

 

This wife says he is making her feel trapped and she needs to escape....

 

You know sometimes...we don't have a reason we feel the way we do. My husband likes to say...it's the principle. Ok....I understand that that means...I don't HAVE a reason other than THIS IS HOW I FEEL.

 

This husband may not have a real reason for not wanting his wife to go on vacation without him...other than married people don't go on separate vacations. He is not asking her to agree with him...he is asking her to respect him enough and put him first and say...honey...the vacation is not as important to me as you and your feelings are....and because i love you and I don't want to hurt you...I will not go.

 

Please tell me how making your spouse feel important takes away your self happiness

 

Isn't that what we all want? to know that our spouse values who we are and what we think? It is not always about WINNING the fight.

[SaveYourHeart]

1. "I don't approve of married people doing this" sounds like a clear explanation of why. This is inappropriate for him so he won't stand for it. What else must be understood?

2. She's been rehashing this for three months, it doesn't really sound so innocent or little anymore, after the umpteenth time she tries to convince him. Why would she push so much over this "little" trip to Mexico?

1. Why is this inappropriate? Why do you feel this way? Being able to communicate your feelings is key in order for your partner to comprehend where you're coming from.

 

2. It's a trip to Mexico. Not like she's flying across the world. This is important to her. He should be able to discuss things that are important to her.

[italianjob]

What about OP. What if she thinks it's inappropriate that he control what she does? He'll do it for the rest of the marriage.

 

It's a Mexican standoff ( pun intended)

[SaveYourHeart]

It's a Mexican standoff ( pun intended)

This actually made me laugh.

[CommittedToThis]

he is asking her to respect him enough and put him first and say...honey...the vacation is not as important to me as you and your feelings are....and because i love you and I don't want to hurt you...I will not go.

 

This is exactly what all this is about, thank you Mrs. JA.

 

A wife committed to her husband would automatically put him first, a wife who is not committed wouldn't.

[DKT3]

OP has stated multiple times that her issue is that he won't discuss it, won't compromise.

 

His issue, he doesn't believe married people should vacation without the spouse....So tell me exactly how offering to contact him via social media, or giving him the OK to spend money in exchange for her going on vacation with out him?

[Whoknew30]

no no no no no

 

No one here wants her to be unhappy...good grief. This is not her against him...line up behind the one you want to win!!!!

 

This is...let's look at the entire situation. Let's examine whats REALLY going on with this young couple. Let's think about the repercussions of the choices...and whats the most important thing to her.

 

Everything costs.....what are you willing to pay for it?

 

If this marriage is good...if this couple is happy and this trip has thrown a wrench into the mix....is the trip the most important thing or is the marriage?

 

This husband obviously feels threatened...he's frightened...he doesn't want to lose his wife and he wants her to choose him.

 

This wife says he is making her feel trapped and she needs to escape....

 

You know sometimes...we don't have a reason we feel the way we do. My husband likes to say...it's the principle. Ok....I understand that that means...I don't HAVE a reason other than THIS IS HOW I FEEL.

 

This husband may not have a real reason for not wanting his wife to go on vacation without him...other than married people don't go on separate vacations. He is not asking her to agree with him...he is asking her to respect him enough and put him first and say...honey...the vacation is not as important to me as you and your feelings are....and because i love you and I don't want to hurt you...I will not go.

 

Please tell me how making your spouse feel important takes away your self happiness

 

Isn't that what we all want? to know that our spouse values who we are and what we think? It is not always about WINNING the fight.

 

It's not about winning the fight, it's about respect. You should respect a partner enough to sit down & let your fears & insecurities be known. It's disrespectful & unhealthy to give ultimates over one's insecurities.

 

I felt disrespected for many years & lives by...this isn't worth my marital happiness & let it go & go...but it started to build & build. So one should never hand over their self respect just to make your spouse happy & enabling ultimatums so early in marriage is handing over one's self respect on a silver platter.

 

She has sat down & asked him exactly what is going on in his head to where he had a issue..."go & I'll divorce you" is not respect. Maybe she wouldn't consider if he was open to a real discussion...one gets more flies with honey than they do with vinager. Especially a new wife to be shut down on a discussion from her H, that would extremely hurt my feelings & it wouldn't be about the trip...I'd be being plainly shut down by he man that supposedly loves me.

[CommittedToThis]

It's not about winning the fight, it's about respect.

 

Who did OP legally marry, her H or her girlfriend(s)? It sounds stupid but that is the crux of the matter here. OP is married and as such has 50% say in the relationship. If she were single this wouldn't be an issue, and perhaps that's why H is letting her know if she disrespects him, he won't be having any of it.

[fireflywy]

To the OP:

 

At this point, save your marriage. No trip is worth this much hassle for the simple pride and desire of going. Don't go, take time to discuss boundaries in the future, and get beyond this. There will be other trips but maybe not so many other good men willing to get married and commit to.

 

As for the words and platitudes we hear from others or tell ourselves to justify our actions like "you deserve to be happy"; be wary in letting such words make one selfish rather than responsible in a relationship that requires commitment. All too often we are bombarded with that saying which leads us to do stupid things or take destructive risks instead of erring on the side of caution/commitment to a partner/spouse even though that caution causes us TEMPORARY discomfort/dissatisfaction in things.

 

Good luck

 

P.S. Don't let the naysayers let you believe that one thunderstorm is indicative that the sky is falling

Edited January 4, 2017 by fireflywy

[enddeck]

Let's be honest here.The reason the husband doesn't want his wife going on an all girls holiday is that he is frightened that she will meet someone else and either have a vacation fling,a one night stand or not come back at all.These may seem ridiculous to some of the people posting here but to him they are real and valid fears.Now his wife's answer is to tell him buy a big screen tv while She's gone.She is so desperate to get away on this trip that she will bribe him to let her go.

Does anybody else see how this is making him feel?

[italianjob]

1. Why is this inappropriate? Why do you feel this way? Being able to communicate your feelings is key in order for your partner to comprehend where you're coming from.

 

2. It's a trip to Mexico. Not like she's flying across the world. This is important to her. He should be able to discuss things that are important to her.

 

So, ok, let's be serious...

1. She says he has trust issues from his childhood. She doesn't explain exactly what happened, but she must have a pretty good idea where this is coming from.

 

On why this may feel inappropriate: I empathize with the husband and obviously my empathy comes from my own experience (myself and people I know): 4 woman (of which 3 singles) in a vacation paradise.

 

They go out drinking and they get hit on; she doesn't want to spoil the fun of the other girls so she plays the game, maybe she drinks too much. maybe she is tempted too much and something bad happens. Do you want to know how many times I heard stories like this in my (sigh!) many years on this planet?

 

Maybe he won't go beyond the "inappropriate" because he would have to say he doesn't trust her. And he doesn't; but trust is not something you have from day one (I've been married for almost 30 years now), it's something that builds up in time, so it's normal if he doesn't trust her blindly at this point, especially if he already has issues coming from his past (my first fiancee betrayed me and it tainted all my subsequent relationship, I needed time to develop real trust).

 

The fact that she's been pushing like crazy for months and that she's willing to risk the marriage over the trip doesn't help the trust, it makes it even harder for him IMO.

 

2. This is not a friend she was planning to see anyway, why would it be so important to her, if nothing was supposed to happen?

[understand50]

Everyone,

 

We must remember that YoungInLove has stated very little about what was said, past He says "married people don't vacation without their significant others" and "I would never even think of going on a vacation without you". After that he refuses to talk any more and says "you do what you want and then I'll do what I want" I am sure much more talking has gone on, and that the husband reached a point where he is waiting for her to decide what she is going to do. He will then make his decision.

 

So it come down to this, he does not think it is right for her to go on a vacation, and no matter how much some may disagree, this is his stance. She, wants to anyway, but is on the fence. At this point, damage is going to be done if she goes, and she should consider that. It all come down to what she want for this relationship.

 

My advise to YouginLove, Do not go. You are putting your marriage and relationship on the line for a vacation. Maybe, you both need to go into MC to find out why he has this stance, and also, why you believe as you do. In any case, as Mrs JA, as written much better then I could, you must compromise in a marriage, ever when you do not know why. Sometime your partner cannot give you a good reason, or one you understand. We all know the trouble that Girls night out can cause. Yes, not all wifes will cheat on a GNO, but it does open up the possibility. For guys, it the same as a guys night out at a strip bar drinking. Sure nothing may happen but the odds of something do increase greatly.

 

If I was her husband, sure, I trust her, but why would she go a spend a week with her single girlfriend, and be around the possibility? Consider this. YoungInLove has not told us how her Girlfriend is? Is she a party animal, and has he heard many stories of parting and men? My wife has friends, that just would get her in trouble, and others I would trust just as I trust my wife. Point is, what is the context? Bottom line, we do not know the whole story, we do not know the whole history, and we do not know what about all this makes the husband so fearful. If we heard his side, we may be saying "hell no".

 

YoungInLove, I assume you had a full life before you married, and this friend was part of it. Could the issue be with your husband, is that he just knows your friend will lead you into bad situations?

 

I wish you luck....

[amaysngrace]

Let's be honest here.The reason the husband doesn't want his wife going on an all girls holiday is that he is frightened that she will meet someone else and either have a vacation fling,a one night stand or not come back at all.These may seem ridiculous to some of the people posting here but to him they are real and valid fears.Now his wife's answer is to tell him buy a big screen tv while She's gone.She is so desperate to get away on this trip that she will bribe him to let her go.

Does anybody else see how this is making him feel?

 

Only people who have trust issues of their own could be able to understand how he feels.

 

If he's afraid she'll cheat that's his problem. He should have brought it up when she was traveling without him while they dated or never proposed expecting to change her.

 

Just because he's dysfunctional doesn't mean she should join him.

[SaveYourHeart]

So having expectations in your marriage is dysfunctional? Got it, makes sense.

Expecting something to change that has never been a problem before is dysfunctional.

[italianjob]

Because it's probably the only time that these four girls will be together for a very long time. Because adulthood sucks, and while she has to spend 95% of the rest of her life with a dictator as a husband, just this once, maybe she'd like to see her friends and get tan on the beach in Mexico?

 

Well we're in the 21st Century, she doesn't have to put up with the "dictator", she can divorce him...

[SaveYourHeart]

Too late, he's decided in his dictatorship to divorce her first if she goes on a vacation. So thankfully, she'll be free of this dictator if she doesn't heed his warnings.

[Mrs. John Adams]

It's not about winning the fight, it's about respect. You should respect a partner enough to sit down & let your fears & insecurities be known. It's disrespectful & unhealthy to give ultimates over one's insecurities.

 

I felt disrespected for many years & lives by...this isn't worth my marital happiness & let it go & go...but it started to build & build. So one should never hand over their self respect just to make your spouse happy & enabling ultimatums so early in marriage is handing over one's self respect on a silver platter.

 

She has sat down & asked him exactly what is going on in his head to where he had a issue..."go & I'll divorce you" is not respect. Maybe she wouldn't consider if he was open to a real discussion...one gets more flies with honey than they do with vinager. Especially a new wife to be shut down on a discussion from her H, that would extremely hurt my feelings & it wouldn't be about the trip...I'd be being plainly shut down by he man that supposedly loves me.

 

do you always have a reason for feeling the way you feel about something? Are you always able to put those feelings into words that would explain it so someone else?

 

This man told his wife married people do not go on separate vacations....I would never go on a vacation without you.

 

Is this an explanation? Does this not tell her exactly how he feels? What else does he need to explain? what more does he need to discuss?

 

Does he need to listen to her opposing opinion? YES

Does he need to agree with her? NO

 

and I am going to remind you again....he said you do what you want and i will do what i want. He did not say...if you go on this vacation i will divorce you....

 

i am not sure how that has entered into this discussion...I have gone back a reread everyone of her posts in this thread....she never said he said that

[elaine567]

Your husband clearly does not want you to go.....it doesn't matter why...

 

He has not said NO YOU CANNOT GO....he has said the choice is yours....and this choice you make will tell him a lot about not only who you are as his wife but about how you value the relationship you share together.

 

The problem with that choice is that if she wants to continue with the marriage there is no choice for her. Yes she is "free" to do what she wants but he knows she has to comply with what HE wants, otherwise the marriage is over and he knows he has her by the short and curlies there. She has no real choice.

It is classic manipulation bordering on abuse. If he continues on this path it will be abuse.

He played the "If you do not do as I say then I will leave" trump card to get his own way and that can hardly be seen as healthy.

That is not about setting boundaries that is about exercising power and control.

 

Had he discussed this with the OP. "I do not want you to go as Mexico is a dangerous place" or" I do not want you to go as I will miss you terribly" or "I thought we could go later on the year." or had he listed any number of other concerns or suggested compromises then things would have been a lot better, but no, he chose to be the "parent" and dictate...

[Robert]

After deleting a bunch of bickering posts and placing two members on moderation for the next 10 days, we'll close this up. We may allow the threadstarter responses to these posts if they request that through the Alert Us button.

 

Thanks,

~6