Is a Girls Vacation ok??

[kgcolonel]

To start off, I love my husband. When we met it was fireworks for the first and only time in my life. He had a rough childhood and in turn has some significant trust issues, which I knew about before marrying him.

 

We've been married a year and a half and one of my closest friends (who lives 500 miles way and I rarely get to see) invited me to vacation at her timeshare in Mexico. Only cost to me would be flight, food, and drinks. I've attempted to discuss this with my husband for nearly three months now and every time he refuses to talk about it. He doesn't want me to go and has even threatened leaving me if I do. Prior to getting married I traveled all the time and in fact that was one of the things that he liked about me.

 

He says "married people don't vacation without their significant others" and "I would never even think of going on a vacation without you". After that he refuses to talk any more and says "you do what you want and then I'll do what I want"

 

I love him and am very sorry that he has trust issues but I'm feeling trapped by his issues and I don't think thats fair. I've tried talking to him several times but it always ends in arguments.

 

If I go I'm going to need to get my passport and flights organized but I'm torn.

 

Do I go on vacation with my girlfriends who I rarely see and upset (and possibly lose my husband) or do I stay home and feel like I'm being held captive?

 

 

Bolded above is something that jumped out to me when i reread your original post. You're considering taking a week vacation with the "girls" knowing of the trust issues knowing that it may likely cost you your Husband? I am not sure you're really ready to commit to the marriage, unfortunately, you already took your vows.....where do your vows come into play with the girl friend? I see this as the Grass is Greener meaning you'd rather be single than married....please come back and show us wrong.

[understand50]

Short answer no. Not as newly weds. This can change as the years go on, and you build trust in each other. As you grow up, ( and you should together) thing will change and maybe in 10 years, he would not have an issue. Right now he does. I have been married 40 plus years to the same woman. We changed, and now are OK with things we would not have been when we first started out.

 

You are going to party with your single girl friend, who left your husband off the invite. If you can not see why this is wrong on a deep level, you must understand why many of us here wonder if you are really committed to your husband and relationship. Also, why even the question of going anyway and putting you marriage at risk. I wonder if other things are going on. Has there been infidelity here? Have you made him question your commitment to the marriage? What is your friend like? Life of the party? Ever thought that is issue may not be with you, but the trouble your friends can, and will, lead you in too?

 

As DKT3 has pointed out, you asked and he made his decision. You may not like it, but he has stated his point. You respect it or you don't. He is not conformable with it. Remember if you do this, and then he wants to do something you do not want him to do, you have no leg to stand on.

Well, in the end, you will do what you want, but putting the marriage at risk, seems a high price to pay.

 

I wish you luck.....

[DKT3]

I would hope if she goes it wouldn't be at the risk of her marriage..... HOWEVER, it's one of those things that can change the dynamic and direction of a marriage. It could set the mold that this will be a him and her at the expense of we.

[Els]

This is really concerning. I could understand his point of view if you were going with another man, or if you were doing this on a weekly or monthly basis, but a once-in-a-blue-moon trip with girlfriends? And his comment makes it clear that he doesn't even agree with you traveling ALONE, regardless of frequency or location. Unless you want a Saudi Arabian marriage (woman not allowed to go anywhere without male guardian), I would be spending some time rethinking everything if I were you.

 

I find the answers here really confounding, especially considering the fact that some time ago there was a thread by a woman complaining about her guy going away with the guys for hunting EVERY WEEKEND and about half of the posters were on his side... And here we have a woman who's being slammed for wanting to do the same thing once in 1.5 years. Wow.

[LargoLagg]

Its not that I'm demanding a different answer. I'm upset because there is no discussion/compromise.

 

I'm being told "no, end of discussion" as if I am a child. I'm willing to compromise but he is not even interested in talking about it.

There you go. This is the crux of the problem. You are married to someone who does not see eye to eye with you.

 

You could use a little time away. He wants to be joined at the hip. Neither of you are wrong. Lots of women take girl vacations. Lots of guys take golf trips. Lots of people would never think of doing either. I'm sure there is nothing in your marriage vows about spending every night together or never spending time apart. There's nothing wrong with it. The bottom line is that you're just not right for each other.

 

Here's the situation. You can either live with compromising for him, or you can't. He can either live with compromising for you, or he can't. There's probably no changing of minds here, there's only "can I live with it?"

 

Can you? Can he? Nobody knows but you and him. You may have just met the dealbreaker for your marriage.

[spideywoman]

i shouldn't be surprised at the nonsensical rhetoric and sweeping assumptions that have taken over this thread but i am. really? it was rape?! horny girlfriends?! STDs? abortions? vacations with your friends aren't about debauchery. what they're about i don't think would be understood so i'm not even wasting my time.

 

OP: i hope despite the insulting replies you've been able to come away for some food for thought here.

[SunnyWeather]

This is really concerning. I could understand his point of view if you were going with another man, or if you were doing this on a weekly or monthly basis, but a once-in-a-blue-moon trip with girlfriends? And his comment makes it clear that he doesn't even agree with you traveling ALONE, regardless of frequency or location. Unless you want a Saudi Arabian marriage (woman not allowed to go anywhere without male guardian), I would be spending some time rethinking everything if I were you.

 

I find the answers here really confounding, especially considering the fact that some time ago there was a thread by a woman complaining about her guy going away with the guys for hunting EVERY WEEKEND and about half of the posters were on his side... And here we have a woman who's being slammed for wanting to do the same thing once in 1.5 years. Wow.

 

I totally agree. Reading many responses to this thread has left me utterly baffled. Not everyone has an ulterior motive by going away on a trip with friends to mean being given a free pass to commit adultery and a sundry of other sordid activities. In many spheres, it's actually quite normal and considered a healthy thing to do occasionally. Being married doesn't mean you have to be tied to each other 24/7, that's called co dependency.

[LargoLagg]

I totally agree. Reading many responses to this thread has left me utterly baffled. Not everyone has an ulterior motive by going away on a trip with friends to mean being given a free pass to commit adultery and a sundry of other sordid activities. In many spheres, it's actually quite normal and considered a healthy thing to do occasionally. Being married doesn't mean you have to be tied to each other 24/7, that's called co dependency.

Yeah. I think that's the real reason she left and may not come back... it's the nuttery.

[Els]

I totally agree. Reading many responses to this thread has left me utterly baffled. Not everyone has an ulterior motive by going away on a trip with friends to mean being given a free pass to commit adultery and a sundry of other sordid activities. In many spheres, it's actually quite normal and considered a healthy thing to do occasionally. Being married doesn't mean you have to be tied to each other 24/7, that's called co dependency.

 

Right. People who are going to cheat will cheat, be it in Mexico, Vermont, the hotel next door or even your bedroom. People with integrity won't.

 

I mean, if a couple just decides that they never wanted to travel without each other... then fine, whatever floats their boat. Telling your spouse they don't have permission to travel alone and that you'll leave if they do, though... that's absolutely mind-boggling and wrong IMO. If her husband had an issue with the duration, for instance if it would take up too many of her leave days and ruin a trip that he was planning for the two of them, then he should say that and suggest a compromise (e.g. if she went for 4-5 days instead of 7). Not make blanket statements like "married people don't vacation without their significant others".

 

I think a few of the posters are just projecting their own issues onto the OP.

Edited January 3, 2017 by Elswyth

[Whoknew30]

OK, here is a situation were a woman will claim to have a controlling husband when in fact she is the controller.

 

He has clearly stated his opinion and how he feels, your upset not that he won't let you go, because he said you what you want, your upset because you can't change his mind.

 

Everyone has their idea of what kind of marriage they want, you see it as trust issues, maybe so, but it can also be viewed as a respect issue. Maybe he feels disrespect, I say this because he has clearly stated this is something he would never consider doing without you.. of course you have no empathy toward his position and continue to push your agenda knowing full well were he stands...So who has the issue here? The one saying do what you want, or the one saying you have to agree with me, if you don't then you have an issue?

 

Marriage is about compromising, if you feel in compromising your giving up too much of yourself then your marriage is doomed to fail.

 

Compromise in marriage does not equal, throwing one's insecurity on a spouse when they've done absolutely nothing to deserve it. Part of being a spouse is trust, if he doesn't have bc of his own experience, their marriage is doomed but it won't bc of her.

 

This is why someone shouldn't get married if they have major underlying issues...if there's trust, a friends vacation should be a non issue.

 

OP...if this ruins your marriage, then your marriage was going to be ruined regardless. Let your H know you love him but that he's your partner, not your father. Life is short, anything can happen at anytime, if living your life right & you have opportunities...always take them bc you never know when you may not be able to! Good luck

[BluesPower]

DTK3 and others like him are right...

 

This is not something that people in a young marriage do, at all.

 

For anyone to think that it makes no difference where you are, and it makes no difference about cheating, PLEASE. JUST PLEASE.

 

On a single girls vacation, with plenty to drink, and a hot guy from god knows where.... Yes the desire and opportunity to cheat is far, far greater.

 

I mean, you use a condom, you are hundreds of miles away from mean old controlling husband, why not?

 

Yes she is acting like a child, and at least her husband has a pair of balls unlike many, unfortunately, here that we read about every day.

 

There are just so many reasons the you don't do this. One is, if you want to be single, get divorced.

[ShatteredLady]

Growing-up as a teenager we were always a mixed group. For some reason there were never girls nights & guys nights. When I met my husband he shared a house with 3 other men (students, best friends) & I had my friends. We just blended together.

 

There were many times that it would be the 4 guys & me or my girl friends & my husband. It never seemed strange to any of us. We're English though. We lived in the USA for 18 years & never got used to the women sitting in one room & the men together in another at parties etc. Is that 'normal' or a Texas thing??

 

Are all of your friends single? Are you the first of the group to get married?

 

What do YOU want in your life? Would you like your husband to become friends with your friends? Are you friends with his? You could set a president & go together. That's what we would of done when young. It worked perfectly for us.

 

As his friends got girlfriends then wives they followed our lead & we became a big group of couples. It's funny, if a new gf or bf didn't 'fit' with the group it was a good indicator that they weren't 'the one'. 25 years later we're all still very close.

 

Just an idea.

[ShatteredLady]

As newly weds we wouldn't of wanted to vacation apart so this was never an issue we had to deal with.

 

One thing that stuck out of the OP that I REALLY don't like is this....

 

"He doesn't want me to go and has even threatened leaving me if I do."

 

....Do the two of you frequently threaten like this? The word divorce should NEVER be thrown around as a threat in marriage!! It's "Until death us do part" for a reason. If leaving each-other is a constant option when you don't agree it speaks volumes about the strength of your bond.

 

Be careful.

[Whoknew30]

DTK3 and others like him are right...

 

This is not something that people in a young marriage do, at all.

 

For anyone to think that it makes no difference where you are, and it makes no difference about cheating, PLEASE. JUST PLEASE.

 

On a single girls vacation, with plenty to drink, and a hot guy from god knows where.... Yes the desire and opportunity to cheat is far, far greater.

 

I mean, you use a condom, you are hundreds of miles away from mean old controlling husband, why not?

 

Yes she is acting like a child, and at least her husband has a pair of balls unlike many, unfortunately, here that we read about every day.

 

There are just so many reasons the you don't do this. One is, if you want to be single, get divorced.

 

100% disagree!!! She's acting like a child bc her husband is acting like her father! I was married at 19 & I didn't cheat on a girls trip at all, ever & my friends were all single. I cheated when I heard martial problems, not when I was having fun with my friends.

 

This is logic that helps a young wife to cheat, when a husband becomes a father & not a partner.

[Lady2163]

Growing-up as a teenager we were always a mixed group. For some reason there were never girls nights & guys nights. When I met my husband he shared a house with 3 other men (students, best friends) & I had my friends. We just blended together.

 

There were many times that it would be the 4 guys & me or my girl friends & my husband. It never seemed strange to any of us. We're English though. We lived in the USA for 18 years & never got used to the women sitting in one room & the men together in another at parties etc. Is that 'normal' or a Texas thing??

 

Are all of your friends single? Are you the first of the group to get married?

 

What do YOU want in your life? Would you like your husband to become friends with your friends? Are you friends with his? You could set a president & go together. That's what we would of done when young. It worked perfectly for us.

 

As his friends got girlfriends then wives they followed our lead & we became a big group of couples. It's funny, if a new gf or bf didn't 'fit' with the group it was a good indicator that they weren't 'the one'. 25 years later we're all still very close.

 

Just an idea.

 

The whole interacting group dynamic varies. It has to do with age/generation, socio economic status and personal preference.

 

I have/had a group of friends which consisted of my parents, their friends and adult children. The birth years ranged from 1930 to 1972. When we get together for potluck, the men go.through the line first. I've always thought that was crap, since "ladies first" must not apply when there is food involved and in all instances the WOMEN made the food, not the men.

 

I also saw the woman born in 1930 go through the line with her husband, fix his plate "do you want potatoes, do you want beans?" Then go to the back of the line to fix her own plate.

 

I actually think the comments on here aren't dependent on generation. It's crossing all lines.

[BluesPower]

Whoknew30...

 

I really don't know how long you have been married or where you are from.

 

Where I come from, when a man has given his opinion about a subject, and given his answer, you don't ask again. Maybe one more time if you need to clarify something. Other than that, you are being childish by asking again and again.

 

And, if this is how your marriage works, that is great. But most realistic people in this situation really don't fell that way.

 

BTW, he did not forbid her to go, he simply told her he did not like the idea and if she went, he would leave. That leaves the decision to her, and she can make the best adult decision for her.

 

Works for me...

[elaine567]

Where I come from, when a man has given his opinion about a subject, and given his answer, you don't ask again. Maybe one more time if you need to clarify something. Other than that, you are being childish by asking again and again...

 

Where do you come from?

[Whoknew30]

Whoknew30...

 

I really don't know how long you have been married or where you are from.

 

Where I come from, when a man has given his opinion about a subject, and given his answer, you don't ask again. Maybe one more time if you need to clarify something. Other than that, you are being childish by asking again and again.

 

And, if this is how your marriage works, that is great. But most realistic people in this situation really don't fell that way.

 

BTW, he did not forbid her to go, he simply told her he did not like the idea and if she went, he would leave. That leaves the decision to her, and she can make the best adult decision for her.

 

Works for me...

 

I've been married 20 years & have been since I was a teen...married my first boyfriend.

 

In marriage one shouldn't ask "permission" for something an opinion but not permission, as an adult.

 

IMO it's extremely immature that a husband threatens to leave bc his wife wants to go on a trip her friends...that's the immature part, not her trying to discuss the situation. It reminds me of more of a parent vs teenage conversation than it does a married couple. What he's saying is "if I don't get my way, I'll leave you"...you can't possibly really think that's an opinion & not a immature threat.

 

No that doesn't sound like a "normal" marriage to me & you're right, i would never live my a threat...if my husband threatened to leave bc of that, I'd wave bye from the door. Also, not one of my friend's H would ever pull that either.

[LargoLagg]

To start off, I love my husband. When we met it was fireworks for the first and only time in my life. He had a rough childhood and in turn has some significant trust issues, which I knew about before marrying him.

"Trust issues" appears to be shorthand for you paying for other peoples' crimes.

 

We've been married a year and a half and one of my closest friends (who lives 500 miles way and I rarely get to see) invited me to vacation at her timeshare in Mexico. Only cost to me would be flight, food, and drinks. I've attempted to discuss this with my husband for nearly three months now and every time he refuses to talk about it. He doesn't want me to go and has even threatened leaving me if I do. Prior to getting married I traveled all the time and in fact that was one of the things that he liked about me.

 

He says "married people don't vacation without their significant others"

As if that mattered, but hold that thought, and I'll get back to it.

and "I would never even think of going on a vacation without you". After that he refuses to talk any more and says "you do what you want and then I'll do what I want"

That's actually the right thing, except that you're likely to feel resentful that he wants to drop an atomic bomb to solve a molehill of a problem.

 

Then, in another post, this:

Its not about money. We have bills and have to budget (who doesn't) but we don't want for much. I have been blessed with a well paying job and am able to support him while he works at a small start up business.

I'm tempted to say that "married husbands don't let their wives support them and the family", if you see what I'm saying. I mean, if you're going to be old school, then don't pick and choose. And this might be his problem, deep down inside. As an old school boy, he's somewhat emasculated being treated like a kept man. He might just be exerting control where he can, given that he has no financial control over you or the family. Hold that thought too.

 

Back to the original post:

 

I love him and am very sorry that he has trust issues but I'm feeling trapped by his issues and I don't think thats fair. I've tried talking to him several times but it always ends in arguments.

 

If I go I'm going to need to get my passport and flights organized but I'm torn.

 

Do I go on vacation with my girlfriends who I rarely see and upset (and possibly lose my husband) or do I stay home and feel like I'm being held captive?

OK, so think about the future. You support him, he gets successful, you get pregnant, have kids, give up your high-paying traveling job because thanks to you, the husband makes more than enough money to keep you barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen. Does that sound like a promising future? Before you make your decision, you might ask what the future looks like from his POV. Because I see the potential for control freak here. I could be wrong, but it's a real possibility.

[BettyDraper]

I'm wondering why such issues weren't discussed before marriage.

While I don't believe that one partner should be held hostage by the other's trust issues, I'm wondering why separate vacations or other related topics were not discussed before marriage.

 

I think the OP left because she didn't get the answers she wanted. Based on the way she kept asking her husband about the same topic after he gave his opinion, I get the impression that she doesn't want to continue to post in this forum because many people didn't agree with her.

[BettyDraper]

Whoknew30...

 

I really don't know how long you have been married or where you are from.

 

Where I come from, when a man has given his opinion about a subject, and given his answer, you don't ask again. Maybe one more time if you need to clarify something. Other than that, you are being childish by asking again and again.

 

And, if this is how your marriage works, that is great. But most realistic people in this situation really don't fell that way.

 

BTW, he did not forbid her to go, he simply told her he did not like the idea and if she went, he would leave. That leaves the decision to her, and she can make the best adult decision for her.

 

Works for me...

 

Gender is not important when it comes to respecting a spouse's viewpoint instead of haranguing them about the same topic.

 

That said, I agree that the OP was not forbidden to go on the trip. Her husband simply made his feelings known and stated the consequences.

[YoungInLove]

I'm wondering why such issues weren't discussed before marriage.

While I don't believe that one partner should be held hostage by the other's trust issues, I'm wondering why separate vacations or other related topics were not discussed before marriage.

 

I think the OP left because she didn't get the answers she wanted. Based on the way she kept asking her husband about the same topic after he gave his opinion, I get the impression that she doesn't want to continue to post in this forum because many people didn't agree with her.

 

I have not left and in fact have read every post multiple times. I'm not sure how you can say "she didn't get the answers she wanted" as I've gotten answers from all parts of the spectrum on this subject which I appreciate and what I was looking for.

 

Unfortunately since he is not willing to discuss this subject any further neither of us will be happy and furthermore I am now questioning all aspects of our marriage.

 

Marriage requires communication and compromise. If someone is not willing to do either of those things how can a marriage survive?

[Whoknew30]

I have not left and in fact have read every post multiple times. I'm not sure how you can say "she didn't get the answers she wanted" as I've gotten answers from all parts of the spectrum on this subject which I appreciate and what I was looking for.

 

Unfortunately since he is not willing to discuss this subject any further neither of us will be happy and furthermore I am now questioning all aspects of our marriage.

 

Marriage requires communication and compromise. If someone is not willing to do either of those things how can a marriage survive?

 

I've been married a long time & married very young...if he starts the emotional blackmail now (if you do what I don't want you to, I'll leave) & you enable it, it doesn't get better. My H used to threaten me in our younger days like that & years later, I just stopped caring about my marriage all together bc I was sick of hearing it & I made some bad decisions bc I no longer cared.

 

Work on it now before you get to that point bc it really does start to weigh on a relationship especially when the pressure of kids come...good luck to you

[BettyDraper]

I have not left and in fact have read every post multiple times. I'm not sure how you can say "she didn't get the answers she wanted" as I've gotten answers from all parts of the spectrum on this subject which I appreciate and what I was looking for.

 

Unfortunately since he is not willing to discuss this subject any further neither of us will be happy and furthermore I am now questioning all aspects of our marriage.

 

Marriage requires communication and compromise. If someone is not willing to do either of those things how can a marriage survive?

 

Sorry for my assumption. I assumed you left because you stopped responding.

 

Compromise goes BOTH ways. Your husband has already communicated his feelings on this topic but you still insist on bringing it up and trying to change his mind. I don't understand what kind of response you were expecting from someone who has severe trust issues. I'm not saying that your husband is right to distrust you but you were aware that he had those problems and you still married him.

 

I'm curious about what kind of discussions and agreements occurred before your marriage with respect to your husband's emotional challenges. Did you think that they would disappear once you got married?

 

If seeing your friend is ultimately important to you, there's no reason why your friend cannot come and see you instead of taking a trip without your husband when you just got married. I would say the same thing to your husband if he was the one who wanted to take a trip with his friends when he is a newlywed.

[LargoLagg]

I guess my last comment would be that I wonder if for him, is this about trust, or is it more about "the way things should be".

 

The former seems to be something you could work on, but the latter points to a more immutable attitude.