Is a Girls Vacation ok??

[YoungInLove]

I guess my last comment would be that I wonder if for him, is this about trust, or is it more about "the way things should be".

 

The former seems to be something you could work on, but the latter points to a more immutable attitude.

 

Unfortunately I don't know the answer to that question which is what I am left wondering as well.

[Whoknew30]

Sorry for my assumption. I assumed you left because you stopped responding.

 

Compromise goes BOTH ways. Your husband has already communicated his feelings on this topic but you still insist on bringing it up and trying to change his mind. I don't understand what kind of response you were expecting from someone who has severe trust issues. I'm not saying that your husband is right to distrust you but you were aware that he had those problems and you still married him.

 

I'm curious about what kind of discussions and agreements occurred before your marriage with respect to your husband's emotional challenges. Did you think that they would disappear once you got married?

 

If seeing your friend is ultimately important to you, there's no reason why your friend cannot come and see you instead of taking a trip without your husband when you just got married. I would say the same thing to your husband if he was the one who wanted to take a trip with his friends when he is a newlywed.

 

That's not a good idea. Other people don't live their life around their friend's spouse, man or woman. They have a tripped planned, she tries to change their plans to suit her H only, he now looks like a narcissistic jerk. I'd be really pissed if I had plans & my friend wants to change it bc of "her" H. All that will do is cause animosity...just not a good idea IMO

[Woggle]

I am normally sympathetic to the man's point of view because I am one and I see where they are coming from but in this case he is wrong. Being married doesn't mean that you can't have friends or travel with them and if he doesn't trust you because of past experiences that is his problem. It is not your obligation to be the whipping girl for what another woman did to him. Being hurt in the past doesn't give anybody an excuse to blindly generalize the entire opposite sex and keep them under lock and key. If somebody wants to cheat they will cheat no matter where they are. My ex slept with half the neighborhood and she did most of it in the house while I wasn't home.

[BluesPower]

Whoknew30 - So lets see, I am being over dogmatic (my words not yours) and yet you know full well what I am talking about.

 

Your, and mine for that matter, are the types of situations that I am talking about protecting your marriage from.

 

But you still feel like he has no right to say that he is not comfortable with a single girls vacation?

 

I am not sure that you learned anything from your experiences? And for the record, I have you beat on years of marriage...

[SunnyWeather]

the fact that you support him and he dictates what you can and cannot do is disconcerting.

 

how does he support you?

[BettyDraper]

That's not a good idea. Other people don't live their life around their friend's spouse, man or woman. They have a tripped planned, she tries to change their plans to suit her H only, he now looks like a narcissistic jerk. I'd be really pissed if I had plans & my friend wants to change it bc of "her" H. All that will do is cause animosity...just not a good idea IMO

 

Hmmm....most of the married folks I know consult their spouses before they make plans. It isn't because of "narcissism." It's out of courtesy and respect. To be honest, someone who respects her friend's marriage would try to be understanding...especially if the friend just got married.

 

It's inconsiderate to plan a trip with friends without consulting your spouse first. There could be a scheduling conflict or family obligations which must come before time with friends.

 

I don't understand the point of getting married if every other relationship is going to be prioritized before the spousal one. I love my close friends but I'm not married to them. I cannot provide the level of companionship that their husbands can. We all put our husbands first just as our husbands do the same for us.

 

Those who want to think of themselves and their friends first should stay single.

[Lady2163]

OP, I don't think you're understanding compromise. A couple other people have touched on it.

 

Goal: you want to go to Mexico for 7 days and party/chill with your girls.

 

Problem: your husband has trust issues.

 

If the problem was money or time, then the solution and compromise is simple. You don't get seven days. Maybe four and maybe a strict budget.

 

But his problem is trust.

 

The only compromise, since money isn't an issue is that this girls week is now a coed week. Have the other women invite their boyfriends or husbands. You don't have to spend 24/7 with your partners, the different sexes may want to do different activities.

 

You're not compromising if you go for the seven days without him. End of story.

[SunnyWeather]

OP, I don't think you're understanding compromise. A couple other people have touched on it.

 

Goal: you want to go to Mexico for 7 days and party/chill with your girls.

 

Problem: your husband has trust issues.

 

If the problem was money or time, then the solution and compromise is simple. You don't get seven days. Maybe four and maybe a strict budget.

 

But his problem is trust.

 

The only compromise, since money isn't an issue is that this girls week is now a coed week. Have the other women invite their boyfriends or husbands. You don't have to spend 24/7 with your partners, the different sexes may want to do different activities.

 

You're not compromising if you go for the seven days without him. End of story.

 

why should she impose her husband's insecurities on others?

 

this isn't about compromising. this is about someone (her husband) imposing his issues on the OP and dictating how she should "behave". Quite frankly, she's enabling his problem if she doesn't go at this point.

[Whoknew30]

Whoknew30 - So lets see, I am being over dogmatic (my words not yours) and yet you know full well what I am talking about.

 

Your, and mine for that matter, are the types of situations that I am talking about protecting your marriage from.

 

But you still feel like he has no right to say that he is not comfortable with a single girls vacation?

 

I am not sure that you learned anything from your experiences? And for the record, I have you beat on years of marriage...

 

I ended up in my situation bc not stopping this kind of behavior when it started. My marriage didn't matter bc I had years of threats that he was leaving just to get me to do what he wanted, when I hadn't done anything wrong. 9 years later I went buck wild & no longer cared about his threats (there were other things) but that was a HUGE part.

 

I've never cheated on a girls trip...I cheated one town over. So yes, I learned (as you very well know) cheating can happen anywhere & with women actually less likely to happen when having fun with the girls. We're not men...women tend to stick together on trips, not separate at the end of the night to get laid like men.

[Whoknew30]

Hmmm....most of the married folks I know consult their spouses before they make plans. It isn't because of "narcissism." It's out of courtesy and respect. To be honest, someone who respects her friend's marriage would try to be understanding...especially if the friend just got married.

 

It's inconsiderate to plan a trip with friends without consulting your spouse first. There could be a scheduling conflict or family obligations which must come before time with friends.

 

I don't understand the point of getting married if every other relationship is going to be prioritized before the spousal one. I love my close friends but I'm not married to them. I cannot provide the level of companionship that their husbands can. We all put our husbands first just as our husbands do the same for us.

 

Those who want to think of themselves and their friends first should stay single.

 

Consulting & then saying "I talked to spouse & they said no to your idea but now I want to change plans" are different things.

 

I don't understand getting married & not being able to do anything as an adult, how you'd want to. Putting a H first is fine, which means don't go but asking all the other girls to change plans only for your H is rude. If you call me & say my H said I can't go, me & the other girls are going. Why should others. It do what they want bc your h told you, you can't? It is rude to even put your friends k. The spot like that.

 

Any one that think their spouse & then should be in charge of everyone is...well is narcissistic IMO. 3-4 others can & you choose not to fine but one shouldn't put their friends on the spot bc their spouse has trust issue. It shouldn't be made anyone else's issue.

 

My friends & I have our family first but none of us are going to make each other deal with our martial problems.

[Got it]

DTK3 and others like him are right...

 

This is not something that people in a young marriage do, at all.

 

For anyone to think that it makes no difference where you are, and it makes no difference about cheating, PLEASE. JUST PLEASE.

 

On a single girls vacation, with plenty to drink, and a hot guy from god knows where.... Yes the desire and opportunity to cheat is far, far greater.

 

I mean, you use a condom, you are hundreds of miles away from mean old controlling husband, why not?

 

Yes she is acting like a child, and at least her husband has a pair of balls unlike many, unfortunately, here that we read about every day.

 

There are just so many reasons the you don't do this. One is, if you want to be single, get divorced.

 

Really??? According to whom??? Who has decided people in young marriages don't travel apart? I didn't seem to get that memo on my wedding day.

[SunnyWeather]

Hmmm....most of the married folks I know consult their spouses before they make plans. It isn't because of "narcissism." It's out of courtesy and respect. To be honest, someone who respects her friend's marriage would try to be understanding...especially if the friend just got married.

 

It's inconsiderate to plan a trip with friends without consulting your spouse first. There could be a scheduling conflict or family obligations which must come before time with friends.

 

I don't understand the point of getting married if every other relationship is going to be prioritized before the spousal one. I love my close friends but I'm not married to them. I cannot provide the level of companionship that their husbands can. We all put our husbands first just as our husbands do the same for us.

 

Those who want to think of themselves and their friends first should stay single.

 

You're confusing self-care with managing priorities. they are not mutually exclusive. OP supports her husband and pays the bills so he can realize his dreams. If she wants to go away with friends she doesn't get to see often why not? it does not mean she doesn't put her husband first. She's (considering) giving herself self-care in the way she would like.

[Lady2163]

why should she impose her husband's insecurities on others?

 

this isn't about compromising. this is about someone (her husband) imposing his issues on the OP and dictating how she should "behave". Quite frankly, she's enabling his problem if she doesn't go at this point.

 

She married her husband knowing he had some trust issues. She didn't take baby steps to show him she can be trusted to resist temptation.

 

Why is it not okay for her husband to have issues, but it is for her friends to still treat her like she is single?

[DKT3]

Reading this thread is a microcosm of what wrong in relationships.

 

Say your spouse is a recovering alcoholic, would it be OK to buy alcohol and get hammered around them?

 

Op husband has trust issues from his childhood, she is fully aware of this yet you wants to add the stress of putting him in this situation so early in the marriage...How is it any different?

 

Compromising isn't saying accept this, accept my way. Compromising would be inviting him, or taking a short weekend trip. She isn't offering any compromise only banging him over the head to get her way

[SunnyWeather]

DTK3 and others like him are right...

 

This is not something that people in a young marriage do, at all.

 

For anyone to think that it makes no difference where you are, and it makes no difference about cheating, PLEASE. JUST PLEASE.

 

On a single girls vacation, with plenty to drink, and a hot guy from god knows where.... Yes the desire and opportunity to cheat is far, far greater.

 

I mean, you use a condom, you are hundreds of miles away from mean old controlling husband, why not?

Yes she is acting like a child, and at least her husband has a pair of balls unlike many, unfortunately, here that we read about every day.

 

There are just so many reasons the you don't do this. One is, if you want to be single, get divorced.

 

project much? [the bolded part] that thinking reminds me of how in some cultures laws are made to keep women from traveling without permission (as already mentioned by a previous poster) or separate from the men --for their own good--

 

whatever. she's not a child. just because someone's on holiday does not mean it's a free pass for bad behavior.

 

[]

Edited January 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic ~6

[SunnyWeather]

She married her husband knowing he had some trust issues. She didn't take baby steps to show him she can be trusted to resist temptation.

 

Why is it not okay for her husband to have issues, but it is for her friends to still treat her like she is single?

 

 

I missed the part where her friends still treat her like she's single. And, she's not a child who has to walk in baby steps to appease her husband's trust issues.

[SunnyWeather]

Reading this thread is a microcosm of what wrong in relationships.

 

Say your spouse is a recovering alcoholic, would it be OK to buy alcohol and get hammered around them?

 

Op husband has trust issues from his childhood, she is fully aware of this yet you wants to add the stress of putting him in this situation so early in the marriage...How is it any different?

 

Compromising isn't saying accept this, accept my way. Compromising would be inviting him, or taking a short weekend trip. She isn't offering any compromise only banging him over the head to get her way

 

actually, if I've read correctly, she HAS tried to discuss this with her H, she HAS offered up some compromises. He is STONEWALLING her (look it up).

[BettyDraper]

I find this "I'm not a child" and "You're not the boss of me" attitude to be quite puerile.

It reminds me of a hostile and rebellious teenager who is fighting with her parents about curfews.

Those who feel the need to constantly prove how independent they are shouldn't bother to get married.

 

Power struggles cause marital issues and right now the OP and her husband are in a standoff.

 

There are ways to practice self care without deeply upsetting your spouse.

[DKT3]

I missed the part where her friends still treat her like she's single. And, she's not a child who has to walk in baby steps to appease her husband's trust issues.

 

No, he needs to do exactly what he is doing, state his opinion and leave it up to her to make her decision. Emotional blackmail? Hardly, it's telling your spouse what you will and will not accept in your marriage. She makes her choice then he makes his. No one has the right to dictate to other what deal breakers they should have in thier marrige.

 

My wife absolutely hates motorcycles, but I love to ride, for her me owning a bike is a deal breaker. Does my desire to ride outweigh the discomfort of her worrying about me riding? I no longer own my bike.

[Got it]

Reading this thread is a microcosm of what wrong in relationships.

 

Say your spouse is a recovering alcoholic, would it be OK to buy alcohol and get hammered around them?

 

Op husband has trust issues from his childhood, she is fully aware of this yet you wants to add the stress of putting him in this situation so early in the marriage...How is it any different?

 

Compromising isn't saying accept this, accept my way. Compromising would be inviting him, or taking a short weekend trip. She isn't offering any compromise only banging him over the head to get her way

 

How is everyone assuming that there hasn't been "baby steps" in their relationship on the trust issue? They didn't met and marry the same day, why is the relationship now only being evaluated from the stance of the ceremony on?

 

And how on earth is the husband compromising? The issue is NOT that he isn't comfortable with the trip, it is that he is not willing to engage in discussion about it, discussing the whys, hearing her side, trying to come up with a solution/compromise that would met both their needs. Not her asking him permission, which is what it looks like, and then him deciding and threatening retribution if she goes. That is NOT a healthy marriage or conflict resolution and it is sad that so many of you seem to feel it is appropriate.

 

Why on earth is there an assumption that it will be a party if she goes? Is that how you people vacation? I don't. So even going with girlfriends, it is maybe a drink or two and hanging out catching up.

 

His trust issues are his issues, not hers. Why is she responsible for getting him over them and he is not having to do anything? She has given him no reason to not trust her so that would be the starting point, trusting until given reason otherwise.

 

My husband has a group of friends since high school that get together every summer to do what I have dubbed "old man olympics". Sometimes with the families sometimes just them. I have NO issues with him going and I don't know what he would think if I was so insecure that I would have an issue with it. If I didn't trust him than I shouldn't have married him.

 

And that is the same for her husband, if he can't trust her, he shouldn't have married her.

 

OP - I would suggest a therapist to discuss this issue. Your husbands insecurities and lack of desire to engage in conversation about differing viewpoints is a major red flag and someone that requires a one sidedness that doesn't bode to a happy and long marriage.

 

I highly recommend the Gottman's approach and books. It is a great way to approach communication, conflict resolution and empathy.

 

https://www.gottman.com/

[Got it]

I find this "I'm not a child" and "You're not the boss of me" attitude to be quite puerile.

It reminds me of a hostile and rebellious teenager who is fighting with her parents about curfews.

Those who feel the need to constantly prove how independent they are shouldn't bother to get married.

 

Power struggles cause marital issues and right now the OP and her husband are in a standoff.

 

There are ways to practice self care without deeply upsetting your spouse.

 

Nor is dictating and threatening retribution if one does not agree with the opinion. Does not bode well for a healthy marriage.

[Whoknew30]

Reading this thread is a microcosm of what wrong in relationships.

 

Say your spouse is a recovering alcoholic, would it be OK to buy alcohol and get hammered around them?

 

Op husband has trust issues from his childhood, she is fully aware of this yet you wants to add the stress of putting him in this situation so early in the marriage...How is it any different?

 

Compromising isn't saying accept this, accept my way. Compromising would be inviting him, or taking a short weekend trip. She isn't offering any compromise only banging him over the head to get her way

 

Comparing apples to oranges...if married to an alcoholic & you want to go out for a drink alone with friends, you should be able to bc you're not the addict.

 

...she hasn't caused his insecurity, to be a good husband, he should recognize that she shouldn't not do things bc of what happened in his childhood...if it's that bad maybe he should be in therapy. Also he isn't compromising "don't go or I'll leave you" is a throwing a fit, not a asking for a compromise himself.

 

Also how weird is that, bringing your H on friends trip. You go on a friend trip to hang with your friends...not your spouse.

[DKT3]

actually, if I've read correctly, she HAS tried to discuss this with her H, she HAS offered up some compromises. He is STONEWALLING her (look it up).

 

Again compromising isn't getting someone to agree with your side, it's meeting in the middle. Her badgering him to agree isn't compromising.

[Whoknew30]

I find this "I'm not a child" and "You're not the boss of me" attitude to be quite puerile.

It reminds me of a hostile and rebellious teenager who is fighting with her parents about curfews.

Those who feel the need to constantly prove how independent they are shouldn't bother to get married.

 

Power struggles cause marital issues and right now the OP and her husband are in a standoff.

 

There are ways to practice self care without deeply upsetting your spouse.

 

That's how he set it up...he told her no or I leave. That's not a discussion from a spouse, that's playing "dad" & when a spouse acts like a parent it's normal for the other spouse to rebel.

[DKT3]

How is everyone assuming that there hasn't been "baby steps" in their relationship on the trust issue? They didn't met and marry the same day, why is the relationship now only being evaluated from the stance of the ceremony on?

 

And how on earth is the husband compromising? The issue is NOT that he isn't comfortable with the trip, it is that he is not willing to engage in discussion about it, discussing the whys, hearing her side, trying to come up with a solution/compromise that would met both their needs. Not her asking him permission, which is what it looks like, and then him deciding and threatening retribution if she goes. That is NOT a healthy marriage or conflict resolution and it is sad that so many of you seem to feel it is appropriate.

 

Why on earth is there an assumption that it will be a party if she goes? Is that how you people vacation? I don't. So even going with girlfriends, it is maybe a drink or two and hanging out catching up.

 

His trust issues are his issues, not hers. Why is she responsible for getting him over them and he is not having to do anything? She has given him no reason to not trust her so that would be the starting point, trusting until given reason otherwise.

 

My husband has a group of friends since high school that get together every summer to do what I have dubbed "old man olympics". Sometimes with the families sometimes just them. I have NO issues with him going and I don't know what he would think if I was so insecure that I would have an issue with it. If I didn't trust him than I shouldn't have married him.

 

And that is the same for her husband, if he can't trust her, he shouldn't have married her.

 

OP - I would suggest a therapist to discuss this issue. Your husbands insecurities and lack of desire to engage in conversation about differing viewpoints is a major red flag and someone that requires a one sidedness that doesn't bode to a happy and long marriage.

 

I highly recommend the Gottman's approach and books. It is a great way to approach communication, conflict resolution and empathy.

 

https://www.gottman.com/

 

Did I say he was? Maybe I missed were I did.

 

Neither is, but he said he doesn't like the idea and she isn't offering an alternative only trying to get him to accept her plans.

 

Honestly this marriage sounds doomed, and they both are acting like brats.