Is a Girls Vacation ok??

[Noirek]

For those who are adding words to the OP

To start off, I love my husband. When we met it was fireworks for the first and only time in my life. He had a rough childhood and in turn has some significant trust issues, which I knew about before marrying him

He has foo. What is he doing to work on those issues?

We've been married a year and a half and one of my closest friends (who lives 500 miles way and I rarely get to see) invited me to vacation at her timeshare in Mexico. Only cost to me would be flight, food, and drinks. I've attempted to discuss this with my husband for nearly three months now and every time he refuses to talk about it. He doesn't want me to go and has even threatened leaving me if I do. Prior to getting married I traveled all the time and in fact that was one of the things that he liked about me.

the OP travelled before marriage. If her husband was going to be such a hardliner about it he should have mentioned th

is before. That is on him.

He says "married people don't vacation without their significant others" and "I would never even think of going on a vacation without you". After that he refuses to talk any more and says "you do what you want and then I'll do what I want"

how can people not see what he wrote? Married people don't not shouldn't. Then a little guilt trip about hlw he'd never go without her. And then a childish closer. No discussion about how he would prefer they use the money to take a trip together. Or even say he doesn't

trust her.

I love him and am very sorry that he has trust issues but I'm feeling trapped by his issues and I don't think thats fair. I've tried talking to him several times but it always ends in arguments.

 

If I go I'm going to need to get my passport and flights organized but I'm torn.

Do I go on vacation with my girlfriends who I rarely see and upset (and possibly lose my husband) or do I stay home and feel like I'm being held captive?

 

At this point i don't think you will have fun on the trip if you go. But you need to force the issue for fiture reference and get him communicating with you on this. Maybe even counselling.

[amaysngrace]

I say call his bluff. If he wants to act like the child in your relationship then you should take on the mommy role.

 

Buy plenty of groceries and make sure he has enough clean clothes before you leave.

 

Maybe even set up a doctor's appointment or two before you go.

[italianjob]

Actually Blues you are wrong. He said married people don't not married people shouldn't. One is a misguided understanding of what healthy married people do and the other is an opinion. The OP herself said he "because I said so" whether those were his words or merely his attitude I am not sure. Even still one shouldn't make up some big rule like that without discussing the whys with their spouse. Would it be okay for him to say she can't work? Drive a car? Go for dinner with a girlfriend? Have female friends? Get a perm? Her going on a trip is not a life altering thing, like buying a house or having a child. It should not be anywhere near the realm of ending a marriage. And the fact he immediently jumped to that is concerning.

 

And how exactly is DTK3 right? Where is this about gender? My advice would certainly not change if the rolls were switched. Woukd yours? If so that is your sexist issue not mine. I personally know many women who are controlling and treat their husbands like children.

 

By going with that kind of reasoning he should also explain in details why she shouldn't date other guys or go to bed with them.

 

It's obvious he feels strongly against going on trips with single friends without your husband. He's not the only one. I would have felt the same when my relationship was still young and I know a lot of people, both male and female, that would just feel the same. So it ìs a boundary that a lot of married people have.

 

The strange thing is that such different views didn't come out before the wedding, I have a hard time understanding that.

 

He has every right to say this is a line that he won't accept stepping over.

 

She has every right to do whatever she wants.

 

If they feel this is a principle they strongly want to defend, what is the solution becomes quite obvious.

 

If his tninking is so messed up as some say then it won't be a big damage for OP to end this marriage.

 

If OP will divorce rather than not going on vacations with her single friend, I have a feeling he will think the same about divorcing her...

[BluesPower]

Listen ladies - Noirek, Whoknew30, and even elaine567 which I am somewhat surprised about...

 

I am not going argue anymore after this. I cannot convince you and I will quite trying.

 

What I wrote was taken from her original post. Should not would not, simply does not matter.

 

And yes this is the way adults talk.

 

But I will stop trying to reason with all you sweet ladies...

[DKT3]

Listen ladies - Noirek, Whoknew30, and even elaine567 which I am somewhat surprised about...

 

I am not going argue anymore after this. I cannot convince you and I will quite trying.

 

What I wrote was taken from her original post. Should not would not, simply does not matter.

 

And yes this is the way adults talk.

 

But I will stop trying to reason with all you sweet ladies...

It's part for the course...Some time ago we had a male poster who was insecure and uncomfortable with his wife using what he called a gaint sextoy many female poster said it was his issue and he should just accept it...Then we has a female poster upset uncomfortable and insercure with her husband was ching porn, those same poster said it was his issue and she should not accept it.

 

It's the same here, but the bottom line is if her travelling single is a boundaries breaker for her husband that's what it is, no matter how minor it may seem to those on the outside it's important to him. Push your spouse's boundaries too much and they won't likely stay your spouse. You don't compromise and n boundary issues

[fireflywy]

Its not that I'm demanding a different answer. I'm upset because there is no discussion/compromise.

 

I'm being told "no, end of discussion" as if I am a child. I'm willing to compromise but he is not even interested in talking about it.

 

Didn't he already say "do what you will and I will do the same" or some such?

 

I think a previous poster was right that you are upset because you want to go with his absolute blessing and without issue. That may not be the best way of going about this and if you seek absolute consensus everything or listen to the people who are advocating a "he's being a child" or "if he doesn't agree then leave him" mindset then you are in for a series of rocky relationships in the future after a divorce or a complacent one where the spouse gives you absolute freedom but very little true connection.

[sandylee1]

OP,

 

Maybe your husband expected the two of you to travel. together when you got married, not you continuing to travel alone.

 

There definetly isn't a hard and fast rule that married people don't vacation without their SO. I have no issue with my husband going on vacation alone. I know several married women who holiday with their girlfriends.

 

Whilst I said you shouldn't go on the vacation, I honestly don't think I could accept my husband not 'allowing' me to holiday with friends if I wanted to.

 

Would your husband object to you visiting your friend for a week at her home? Or is it just the fact that it's a vacation?

 

I know this is your life, but it's given me another thing to throw out to the engaged couples on my pre marriage courses when we discuss expectations. I don't think you could have known this was a problem, the same way he probably didn't think it would ever be an issue.

[CommittedToThis]

He is STONEWALLING her (look it up).

 

looks like a narcissistic jerk. I'd be really pissed if I had plans & my friend wants to change it bc of "her" H.

 

She's acting like a child bc her husband is acting like her father!

 

These are all-too-familiar responses to someone enforcing personal boundaries. That's all it is -- he's enforcing his boundaries. Nothing more.

 

If OP decides to disrespect H's boundaries, he'll likely dump her.

 

Just because OP is currently supporting H in a start-up doesn't indicate he can't support himself if he chose to.

 

I think OP is placing far too much importance on her girlfriend than her husband. Typical selfish behavior, and it's horrible to lay it all on H's childhood trust issues. Like OP didn't know this going in?

 

Listen, you're either married and accept the responsibility that goes along with the vows, or you reveal yourself to be a typical entitled brat and go to Mexico to spend a week with your girlfriend.

 

I'm with H on this one. Dial it back, OP.

[Got it]

Awww ladies, I think we had some mansplaining given to us.

[SaveYourHeart]

My husband is similar to yours. Except he said, "go, do what you want" and I did. About a month later we nearly divorced. He felt like he was not a priority to me, and that I chose my friends over him. I understand it, but had he communicated better with me, we could have avoided the whole situation. I still would have gone, but I would have made sure that he felt like a priority first. If your husband divorces you over a little girls' trip, he's a jerk and you don't want him anyway.

[fireflywy]

Awww ladies, I think we had some mansplaining given to us.

 

Why does everything have to be turned into a conflict between sides? Sad really and probably one of the reasons so many relationships fail because we let our "side" tell us what we should be or try to find a rule book (or lack of one) to point to instead of defining things ourselves.

 

Anyway... Well, the flag has been hoisted eveyone... on to the next thread for me. Best of luck to the OP.

[CommittedToThis]

Why does everything have to be turned into a conflict between sides?

 

It's not even that, it's more how whats-its-name (Nurse Ratched?) resorts to condescending language, much like someone with a personality disorder might.

 

Again, it's real simple: H has defined and will enforce his personal boundaries. If W doesn't agree, she's free to go on the trip knowing the consequences.

[SaveYourHeart]

His personal boundaries infringe on her freedom and happiness.

[Whoknew30]

It's part for the course...Some time ago we had a male poster who was insecure and uncomfortable with his wife using what he called a gaint sextoy many female poster said it was his issue and he should just accept it...Then we has a female poster upset uncomfortable and insercure with her husband was ching porn, those same poster said it was his issue and she should not accept it.

 

It's the same here, but the bottom line is if her travelling single is a boundaries breaker for her husband that's what it is, no matter how minor it may seem to those on the outside it's important to him. Push your spouse's boundaries too much and they won't likely stay your spouse. You don't compromise and n boundary issues

 

Yeah but it goes both ways...I've seen people on their 4th or 5th marriage blaming every spouse for their own issues. Part of being an adult is knowing what you're own weaknesses are & trying to work on them without putting them on someone else...there's a fine line between boundaries & controlling...& there's also a fine line between comprises & enabling controlling behavior.

[fireflywy]

It's not even that, it's more how whats-its-name (Nurse Ratched?) resorts to condescending language, much like someone with a personality disorder might.

 

Again, it's real simple: H has defined and will enforce his personal boundaries. If W doesn't agree, she's free to go on the trip knowing the consequences.

 

Meant to say sexes. Tried editing. Lol

 

I agree with you on boundaries and choices aspect. Husband has defined boundary (BTW people shouldn't project that this will apply to EVERY case anymore than his wife's insistence to go means she'll ignore every boundary) and she wants to go hang with her single friends in Mexico.

 

Now she rolls the dice either way.

[CommittedToThis]

His personal boundaries infringe on her freedom and happiness.

 

Then she accepts losing him as her husband, just as he would have to accept losing her if her boundaries infringed on her personal freedom and happiness.

 

It begs the question: why bother with marriage if you want 100% freedom to do whatever you like?

 

Cake-eating.

[BettyDraper]

Unfortunately no one knows what he thinks because he has not made his true concerns clear.

 

I have been given the statement "because I said so" which is what I find unacceptable.

 

I have no desire to cheat. I find those that do to be cowards. It is too much work to cheat and if that really was my motive for this trip I've gotta be honest, it would be easier to let him leave and go and find someone at a local bar instead of fighting like this and going to a different country.

 

Vacations were not discussed prior to marriage and I think it is impossible to discuss every scenario that may come up in life prior to marriage. However, in a healthy marriage the couple needs to work together to come to a solution that both understand and agree to.

 

Since you are a seasoned traveler, I can't see why vacations were not discussed before you got married. Every scenario cannot be discussed but it makes sense to talk about situations which are likely to come up.

 

Neither of you are willing to budge on this. It looks like one of you is going to have to give in. If you're not feeling good about your husband's responses, you have a decision to make about whether or not you want to stay married to him. That's what this comes down to.

[Mrs. John Adams]

To start off, I love my husband. When we met it was fireworks for the first and only time in my life. He had a rough childhood and in turn has some significant trust issues, which I knew about before marrying him.

 

We've been married a year and a half and one of my closest friends (who lives 500 miles way and I rarely get to see) invited me to vacation at her timeshare in Mexico. Only cost to me would be flight, food, and drinks. I've attempted to discuss this with my husband for nearly three months now and every time he refuses to talk about it. He doesn't want me to go and has even threatened leaving me if I do. Prior to getting married I traveled all the time and in fact that was one of the things that he liked about me.

 

He says "married people don't vacation without their significant others" and "I would never even think of going on a vacation without you". After that he refuses to talk any more and says "you do what you want and then I'll do what I want"

 

I love him and am very sorry that he has trust issues but I'm feeling trapped by his issues and I don't think thats fair. I've tried talking to him several times but it always ends in arguments.

 

If I go I'm going to need to get my passport and flights organized but I'm torn.

 

Do I go on vacation with my girlfriends who I rarely see and upset (and possibly lose my husband) or do I stay home and feel like I'm being held captive?

 

I have been married for almost 45 years....so I am "old school".

 

My husband and i have never taken separate vacations...why would you want to? A vacation without him would not be my idea of having a good time...but i realize you are not me.

 

But throughout the years of our marriage I have learned many things...some not good...some very enlightening.

 

One thing i have learned is that what is fair for one...is fair for the other. SO If my husband were to come to me and ask would i mind if he went on vacation with a buddy....(even if all he had to pay for is food flight and drinks....that's a good deal of money )...my first reaction would be hurt...hurt that he would even consider going without me.

 

If my reaction would be hurt...why wouldn't i understand that he might just have the very same reaction?

 

I think its great that your friend thought of you and asked you to go....and i understand how your first thought might be one of excitement...but when push comes to shove...since we as married couples are supposed to put our spouses needs and wants before our own....i think your answer to your friend without hesitation should be no.

 

This entire story is about you....you think HE is being unfair....you FEEL trapped.... You are being extremely selfish...and being selfish in a relationship is how many problems begin. We think we deserve the things we want....rather than thinking about the two of you equally as one.

 

We cannot help the way we feel...but we can help our reactions....and we can change our reactions.

 

Your husband clearly does not want you to go.....it doesn't matter why...

 

He has not said NO YOU CANNOT GO....he has said the choice is yours....and this choice you make will tell him a lot about not only who you are as his wife but about how you value the relationship you share together.

 

You may not think its fair...you may not like it....but this is the way it is.

 

If this question had been asked by a man instead of a woman....my answer would be exactly the same....so now that it seems to be a fight about men vs women...I wanted to make it very clear. This is not about gender...this is about a young relationship where two people are still trying to blend together to become a couple.....selfish behavior is not acceptable behavior for either one. When you choose to marry...single behavior...is no longer acceptable.

 

This is not necessarily about infidelity or cheating...although it certainly can lead to that....this is about two individuals cleaving together to become the best spouse to each other that they possibly can. Growth, maturity....are not always easy...

[SaveYourHeart]

My parents have been married about 45 years and they've gone on several separate vacations. It's never been a problem. My dad goes on fishing trips, my mom goes to wine tastings, then they both travel abroad together.

 

No two relationships are the same. I expect my relationship to help me grow as a person, as does he. We're together 24/7. If I want to take a trip now, he's pretty relieved because I'm not up his ass asking about dishes. I just make sure he knows he's my priority on the time that I'm there.

 

What about people who travel for business? Flight attendants? Pilots? Are they expected not to take their scheduled flight because their spouse tells them that's not how married people work?

[fireflywy]

My parents have been married about 45 years and they've gone on several separate vacations. It's never been a problem. My dad goes on fishing trips, my mom goes to wine tastings, then they both travel abroad together.

 

No two relationships are the same. I expect my relationship to help me grow as a person, as does he. We're together 24/7. If I want to take a trip now, he's pretty relieved because I'm not up his ass asking about dishes. I just make sure he knows he's my priority on the time that I'm there.

 

What about people who travel for business? Flight attendants? Pilots? Are they expected not to take their scheduled flight because their spouse tells them that's not how married people work?

 

"Not two relationships are the same."

 

I think you answered your own question?

[SaveYourHeart]

I just think it's unreasonable to have vacation boundaries 0_0 If marriage is meant to be an unreasonable burden of never vacationing alone or with friends again, or not doing something without permission, I want no part of it. That's silly. It's all so silly. At most, these girls are probably going to have a few pina coladas, swim in the ocean and take instagram pictures. GO ON VACATION GIRLFRIEND. HAVE FUN.

[BettyDraper]

Not only does it have risk but before my second child I did show jumping and eventing. But My husband married me knowing I did this. It may not be selfish for him to ask me to give up something because of his own fears but it would be wrong and narrowminded and stupid. Everytime I get in a car I could get in an accident. And I do that far more than riding or he rides his bike. But common sense would say you can't ask someone to give up what they love doing because of your own fears. Plus I don't really have any option but to drive. I live rural.

 

All the blablabla about giving up someone for your spouse can go both ways. So between the OP giving up ever going on trips without her husband or the husband giving up his fears the latter is far more of a partnership.

 

And its easy to say this should be discussed. But I can tell you this isn't a common premarriage discussion. Its not like having kids or where to live or if someone is going to be a stay at home parent or not. I don't fault the OP or the husband for not discussing this before. Some things can't be anticipated in marriage. One's communication should be just good enough to tackle these differences as they arisr.

 

Do you believe that a spouse having any concerns or issues with their partner's activities should be immediately disregarded?

 

Even if I thought my husband's reservations about my hobbies were foolish, I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss his concerns as "stupid and misguided" just because I don't agree with his fears. That goes against the same willingness to communicate that comes with a partnership. It's hypocritical to say that only one side is worth hearing and listening to.

 

Since the OP is an avid traveler, I don't see why solo trips could not have been agreed upon before marriage. If one of the spouses has interests which may cause conflict, it seems strange not to bring it up before getting married.

 

When I was dating my husband, I was excited to start a new job and while he was happy for me, he asked me to consider returning to university. I mentioned that to a friend and she said "NEVER do anything because a man says you should!" I asked her if it's not worth considering advice or opinions just because it comes from a man and she understood how ridiculous her words were.

 

That's the trouble with these times we live in; many people are so adamant about proving how independent we are that we end up pushing partners away. Men and women are both guilty of doing this. In a marriage, some independence must be forsaken to embrace interdependence so that the relationship can flourish. This "I'll do whatever I want because I am woman hear me roarrrrrr" or "I will divorce you if you don't do what I want" nonsense is a recipe for resentment and power struggles. People who want to do whatever they wish without any consideration for others just need to stay single.

[SaveYourHeart]

"Not two relationships are the same."

 

I think you answered your own question?

That was kind of the point, everyone here is telling her that she's being selfish, but that's not what she signed up for. And if that's something that's important to her and her husband doesn't support it, she has every right to get out of that marriage and not be judged so harshly for it.

[noelle303]

I personally think that the situation would be completely different if he had said ''I really wouldn't like you to go because of _____________ and I would feel hurt if you decided to do it anyway.''

 

I feel that in that scenario, the OP would approach the situation and consideration of this trip differently. But her hearing that her husband is going to divorce her if she goes on it is hurtful and probably enforces feelings of being trapped. It's an ultimatum and I would wonder how many of those am I going to hear during a lifetime with this man, is he going to be dangling divorce over my head everytime things don't go his way? How can she have any voice in this marriage if that's the case?

 

Honestly, if my husband threatened divorce over something so minor, I would wonder if he cares about me at all and wants to be married to me.

[Mrs. John Adams]

My parents have been married about 45 years and they've gone on several separate vacations. It's never been a problem. My dad goes on fishing trips, my mom goes to wine tastings, then they both travel abroad together.

 

No two relationships are the same. I expect my relationship to help me grow as a person, as does he. We're together 24/7. If I want to take a trip now, he's pretty relieved because I'm not up his ass asking about dishes. I just make sure he knows he's my priority on the time that I'm there.

 

What about people who travel for business? Flight attendants? Pilots? Are they expected not to take their scheduled flight because their spouse tells them that's not how married people work?

 

and my guess is...that your parents discussed how they felt about taking separate trips and they were both ok with it....and that's terrific!

 

You are correct...we are all different and one size does not fit all.

 

This husband has expressed his opinion....the wife's reaction to his opinion will tell him where he stands in their relationship. He is not like your dad...your dad has no problem with your mom traveling without him....this fellow does not want his wife to vacation without him.

 

My husband travels for his job about 50% of the time. Traveling for your job...and traveling to mexico for a relaxing drinking vacation are two totally different things. My husband has to travel for his job...I understand this. He he informed me he and a buddy were going to Mexico for a vacation it would piss me off...