SaveYourHeart Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 i personally think that the situation would be completely different if he had said ''i really wouldn't like you to go because of _____________ and i would feel hurt if you decided to do it anyway.'' i feel that in that scenario, the op would approach the situation and consideration of this trip differently. But her hearing that her husband is going to divorce her if she goes on it is hurtful and probably enforces feelings of being trapped. It's an ultimatum and i would wonder how many of those am i going to hear during a lifetime with this man, is he going to be dangling divorce over my head everytime things don't go his way? How can she have any voice in this marriage if that's the case? Honestly, if my husband threatened divorce over something so minor, i would wonder if he cares about me at all and wants to be married to me. exactly!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
SaveYourHeart Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 and my guess is...that your parents discussed how they felt about taking separate trips and they were both ok with it....and that's terrific! You are correct...we are all different and one size does not fit all. This husband has expressed his opinion....the wife's reaction to his opinion will tell him where he stands in their relationship. He is not like your dad...your dad has no problem with your mom traveling without him....this fellow does not want his wife to vacation without him. My husband travels for his job about 50% of the time. Traveling for your job...and traveling to mexico for a relaxing drinking vacation are two totally different things. My husband has to travel for his job...I understand this. He he informed me he and a buddy were going to Mexico for a vacation it would piss me off... I'd praise Jesus if my husband wanted to go on vacation with his friends. Holy crap. I would watch netflix and drink wine all day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 When women were women. The man broke his back working hard to buy the food. The wife fixing his plate was not subservient but showing appreciation and love for the husbands efforts doing his best to be a provider. It's not just about a wife putting out. Making America great again. Traditional women are derided and ostracized in today's society. Michelle Obama was ripped to shreds by feminists because she said that being a mother was her most important job and also she enjoys gardening and cooking. I lost friends when I became a housewife after being in the corporate world for years. Because of what I have experienced and what I see in the media, I get the impression that feminism is only about supporting women who make nontraditional choices. It should be about providing a safe space among women regardless of the paths we take. I enjoy taking care of my husband because we're married and we have promised to look after each other. I've been sick recently and my hubby has been fetching me food and medication. I enjoy doing the same for him. Neither of us would ever purposely make decisions which cause strife just to prove how independent we are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 I personally think that the situation would be completely different if he had said ''I really wouldn't like you to go because of _____________ and I would feel hurt if you decided to do it anyway.'' I feel that in that scenario, the OP would approach the situation and consideration of this trip differently. But her hearing that her husband is going to divorce her if she goes on it is hurtful and probably enforces feelings of being trapped. It's an ultimatum and I would wonder how many of those am I going to hear during a lifetime with this man, is he going to be dangling divorce over my head everytime things don't go his way? How can she have any voice in this marriage if that's the case? Honestly, if my husband threatened divorce over something so minor, I would wonder if he cares about me at all and wants to be married to me. to you this is minor...to him she is saying his opinion...is not important. You have a very young marriage here....they are both still trying to find their way. This is not really even about a trip....this is about the choice She wants to make her choice without feeling guilt.....he wants her to pick him 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CommittedToThis Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 I personally think that the situation would be completely different if he had said ''I really wouldn't like you to go because of _____________ and I would feel hurt if you decided to do it anyway.'' He says "married people don't vacation without their significant others" and "I would never even think of going on a vacation without you". After that he refuses to talk any more and says "you do what you want and then I'll do what I want" H has explained himself and W got the message -- she typed it out after all. She knows exactly where H stands but she's not happy about it. Too bad for her. If W wants to go on the trip, she should go but harbor no illusions that her marriage is over. She is essentially telling H "my girlfriend is more important to me than your feelings." If I were in H's shoes, I'd have said the same thing: you know I'm not cool with you going but go ahead knowing next time I'm gonna be the one taking a week-long vacation with my best guy friend, the one who never takes his girlfriend with him on vacations, and you can deal with it then. Seeing how this marriage is so young and fresh, my feeling is if W can't accept her H's boundaries, they are both better off single. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 I'd praise Jesus if my husband wanted to go on vacation with his friends. Holy crap. I would watch netflix and drink wine all day. and I understand that many couples feel this way....but not all couples feel this way. Not even all couples agree obviously. Maybe this young lady would be FINE with her husband going on vacation without her...but obviously...he is not ok with it. So how do you solve the problem? Do we encourage her to think only of herself and go for Mexico? Or do we encourage her to see the big picture....that this vacation could very well be the end of their relationship and is it worth it? Only she can answer this question of course. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SaveYourHeart Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 to you this is minor...to him she is saying his opinion...is not important. You have a very young marriage here....they are both still trying to find their way. This is not really even about a trip....this is about the choice She wants to make her choice without feeling guilt.....he wants her to pick him THAT I understand. Over everything, you should always pick your husband, because he has picked you. That doesn't mean you can't have fun and do things without him. If that separate time is something you NEED in your marriage, you'll likely have to find a new husband or be happy alone. Over everything, everyone's advice, every friend telling me not to, I still chose my husband and continue to choose him even though I know our relationship is unhealthy. I want you to be happy OP. A marriage should lift you up, not drag you down. Link to post Share on other sites
italianjob Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 I personally think that the situation would be completely different if he had said ''I really wouldn't like you to go because of _____________ and I would feel hurt if you decided to do it anyway.'' I feel that in that scenario, the OP would approach the situation and consideration of this trip differently. But her hearing that her husband is going to divorce her if she goes on it is hurtful and probably enforces feelings of being trapped. It's an ultimatum and I would wonder how many of those am I going to hear during a lifetime with this man, is he going to be dangling divorce over my head everytime things don't go his way? How can she have any voice in this marriage if that's the case? Honestly, if my husband threatened divorce over something so minor, I would wonder if he cares about me at all and wants to be married to me. Let's keep in mind that she's been nagging for 3 months. At one point everyone would tell her "listen, you do what you want and I'll do the same, ok?". If this is a boundary he already explained why he doesn't agree, he said he doesn't approve of married people doing this, that means he finds it inappropriate and no amout of nagging would make him change his mind. And about the wondering, I think he's also wondering why his new wife (yeah you will say that 1 year or 20 doesn't change anything but that's bull****, relationships and security build with time) is ready to throw everything away for a vacation with single female friends, and is nagging him since 3 months ago because she wants to go- It sounds like either she thinks she will miss out on something if she doesn't go (what would that be, I would ask myself) or my value to her is next to nothing... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 to you this is minor...to him she is saying his opinion...is not important. You have a very young marriage here....they are both still trying to find their way. This is not really even about a trip....this is about the choice She wants to make her choice without feeling guilt.....he wants her to pick him I don't agree...I think he's being emotionally abusive & cut off & is pulling a power move. If he had real concerns & was bothered he'd actually discuss it...not go & I'll leave with no discussion. You & Mr J discuss things (it seems) this guy didn't discuss, "I'll leave"...she doesn't get to the bottom of that behavior now, regardless of this trip. He's going to do that for everything he doesn't like, without discussion. It's a bad way to start paving the road. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 and I understand that many couples feel this way....but not all couples feel this way. Not even all couples agree obviously. Maybe this young lady would be FINE with her husband going on vacation without her...but obviously...he is not ok with it. So how do you solve the problem? Do we encourage her to think only of herself and go for Mexico? Or do we encourage her to see the big picture....that this vacation could very well be the end of their relationship and is it worth it? Only she can answer this question of course. I don't understand why "every couple is different" seems to only apply to couples who are fine with separate vacations. My husband and I prefer to vacation together. I've never been on an extended vacation with friends. I've spent overnights or a couple of days at friend's houses and we always miss each other. My husband will text me to check in and tell me how cold our bed seems without me in it. I can't encourage any married person to put their friends ahead of their spouses. The bottom line is the OP will have to decide what is more important-her marriage or this vacation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 (edited) That was kind of the point, everyone here is telling her that she's being selfish, but that's not what she signed up for. And if that's something that's important to her and her husband doesn't support it, she has every right to get out of that marriage and not be judged so harshly for it. Likewise with many saying he is being "controlling" because he is enforcing his boundary. He shouldn't be judged so harshly either if, as he has already stated on it being a potential deal breaker for him, if he says he's done as well. She gets to show her cards next since he already laid his on the table it seems. As for the swimming and instagram thing, you could be right or you could be wrong. Single people on a vacation want to ogle others or have an "adventure" and attending friends (even married one) often end up playing the proverbial "wing man" in certain situations which require exposure to opposite sex groups. Since the OP is now "doubting" things and with several posters telling her she should just drop herror husband, her ability to be stronger and deflect interested suitors in these situations is now much diminished maybe even to the point that she should just scrap going all together until she has a clearer head and determines if she wants to save the marriage. Everyone handles this differently of course but it's still best to be avoided where possible in MY opinion. (Stress on my opinion as that's basically all this board really is.) Edited January 4, 2017 by fireflywy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 THAT I understand. Over everything, you should always pick your husband, because he has picked you. That doesn't mean you can't have fun and do things without him. If that separate time is something you NEED in your marriage, you'll likely have to find a new husband or be happy alone. Over everything, everyone's advice, every friend telling me not to, I still chose my husband and continue to choose him even though I know our relationship is unhealthy. I want you to be happy OP. A marriage should lift you up, not drag you down. This marriage is not dragging her down...the choice is dragging her down. Lets pretend that the friend did not offer this trip. Was this young wife....feeling trapped? Was she trying to find an escape? Was she happy with her husband? OR Now that the trip has been offered and her husband doesn't want her to go...does she feel trapped and she needs to escape? Was their relationship unhealthy? Or is it dangerously unhealthy now because she wants to go on vacation? we as readers need to keep things into perspective and not interject our own situations onto this couple. I want her to make her decision based on the big picture...IF she has felt trapped and needed to escape this relationship for the past year and a half...then there are underlying issues that need to be addressed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SaveYourHeart Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 I'm not here to argue with y'all because I see both sides of the coin and I personally have a hard time deciding which side is the right side. I love my husband. He's a controlling abusive jerk with an alcohol problem, but I love him and I chose him. Sometimes I wonder why I did choose him. That's my fear for OP, is that one day she'll look back and wonder how she got into this cycle of abuse and power play and won't be able to get out. Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 to you this is minor...to him she is saying his opinion...is not important. You have a very young marriage here....they are both still trying to find their way. This is not really even about a trip....this is about the choice She wants to make her choice without feeling guilt.....he wants her to pick him And he is saying that she is not important if she doesn't bow to his wishes and she will be discarded. I'm sorry, but this is minor. As you said, this is a young marriage. A honeymoon phase still. They have a whole life ahead of them with many bumps in the roads. They will possibly raise children together, buy houses, have to make difficult financial decisions, have so many peaks and pits. On this forum everyday you see people working through crazy stuff that life puts you through and he is ready to throw in the towel over a freaking week in Mexico? Seriously, I've never been married but I feel like divorce is not something to threaten your partner with unless you actually mean it. And if he actually is willing to get a divorce over this then I don't think this man should be married to anyone. Ever. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 This marriage is not dragging her down...the choice is dragging her down. Lets pretend that the friend did not offer this trip. Was this young wife....feeling trapped? Was she trying to find an escape? Was she happy with her husband? OR Now that the trip has been offered and her husband doesn't want her to go...does she feel trapped and she needs to escape? Was their relationship unhealthy? Or is it dangerously unhealthy now because she wants to go on vacation? we as readers need to keep things into perspective and not interject our own situations onto this couple. I want her to make her decision based on the big picture...IF she has felt trapped and needed to escape this relationship for the past year and a half...then there are underlying issues that need to be addressed. This post was awesome! I hope to remember it's sagacity in my own dealings. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 I don't agree...I think he's being emotionally abusive & cut off & is pulling a power move. If he had real concerns & was bothered he'd actually discuss it...not go & I'll leave with no discussion. You & Mr J discuss things (it seems) this guy didn't discuss, "I'll leave"...she doesn't get to the bottom of that behavior now, regardless of this trip. He's going to do that for everything he doesn't like, without discussion. It's a bad way to start paving the road. Remember that we are only getting HER side...we don't know what she has said to him...or what her attitude has been.... I don't think he said I'll leave....I think his quote was "you do what you want and then I'll do what I want" That could mean a whole lot of things Let me just say this.... If my husband said to me...I do not want you to go....i would not go. It doesn't matter why...and if the roles were reversed....I would expect the same from him. Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 I don't understand why "every couple is different" seems to only apply to couples who are fine with separate vacations. My husband and I prefer to vacation together. I've never been on an extended vacation with friends. I've spent overnights or a couple of days at friend's houses and we always miss each other. My husband will text me to check in and tell me how cold our bed seems without me in it. I can't encourage any married person to put their friends ahead of their spouses. The bottom line is the OP will have to decide what is more important-her marriage or this vacation. It's not "putting" their friends first. No one is saying if a couple that choose to vacation together is wrong. It's that couples that don't think that think "it's putting" others first bc a spouse may want that alone time with their friends. There's plenty of codependent relationships & if that works for a couple, fine but for people that are not codependent on someone else understands it's not a "picking" it's completely healthy & normal for a couple not to do everything together.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 It's not "putting" their friends first. No one is saying if a couple that choose to vacation together is wrong. It's that couples that don't think that think "it's putting" others first bc a spouse may want that alone time with their friends. There's plenty of codependent relationships & if that works for a couple, fine but for people that are not codependent on someone else understands it's not a "picking" it's completely healthy & normal for a couple not to do everything together.. Exactly. If he takes two seconds and actually listens to her, he could maybe understand that going on this trip and putting him first in her life are not mutually exclusive. She can be completely dedicated to him and their marriage and still want to hang out with her friends that she doesn't see that often. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CommittedToThis Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 The thing I find slightly odd is this isn't a "girl's" week out, this is the OP and one of her friends. Just the two of them together. Unless I read things incorrectly. I wonder why this girlfriend is insisting on just the two of them together? Why can't H come along, and why wasn't he invited in the first place? I can't quite smell a fish but I may have seen a tell-tale swirl on the water's surface. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 Remember that we are only getting HER side...we don't know what she has said to him...or what her attitude has been.... I don't think he said I'll leave....I think his quote was "you do what you want and then I'll do what I want" That could mean a whole lot of things Let me just say this.... If my husband said to me...I do not want you to go....i would not go. It doesn't matter why...and if the roles were reversed....I would expect the same from him. If he had stayed his side, she would have posted why. & IMO & my marriage, yes t does matter why bc it's important to me. I want the same respect I give & vice verses...I don't consider my marriage a dictorship, I considered it a democracy. We each have a voice & owe it to each other "real" discussion. I lived the the other way, never again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SaveYourHeart Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 The thing I find slightly odd is this isn't a "girl's" week out, this is the OP and one of her friends. Just the two of them together. Unless I read things incorrectly. I wonder why this girlfriend is insisting on just the two of them together? Why can't H come along, and why wasn't he invited in the first place? I can't quite smell a fish but I may have seen a tell-tale swirl on the water's surface. Because it would be super weird if my friend invited my husband to our girls' night. Girls' night is a girls' night whether there are two or 200 girls. It's where we sit around, drink wine, gossip and netflix chick flicks until our eyes are out of tears. Being young and married is a different dynamic when you have young single friends. I go out to eat or on vacation or have a girls' night with them without every glancing at another dude. Because they are my friends and I'm there for them. Link to post Share on other sites
italianjob Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 And he is saying that she is not important if she doesn't bow to his wishes and she will be discarded. And she's saying that having fun in Mexico with her single friends is more important than her marriage and her husband I'm sorry, but this is minor. As you said, this is a young marriage. A honeymoon phase still. Not for her it sounds like They have a whole life ahead of them with many bumps in the roads. They will possibly raise children together, buy houses, have to make difficult financial decisions, have so many peaks and pits. At this point I think they shouldn't On this forum everyday you see people working through crazy stuff that life puts you through and he is ready to throw in the towel over a freaking week in Mexico? She is, also, she is seriously considering not to let her husband boundaries get in her way... Seriously, I've never been married but I feel like divorce is not something to threaten your partner with unless you actually mean it. He set a boundary. He probably actually means it. And if he actually is willing to get a divorce over this then I don't think this man should be married to anyone. Ever. This is so ...... I won't even comment it .,,,,,,,,,,,, 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CommittedToThis Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 Because it would be super weird if my friend invited my husband to our girls' night. Girls' night is a girls' night whether there are two or 200 girls. For a week, in Mexico. Context. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 I just think it's unreasonable to have vacation boundaries 0_0 If marriage is meant to be an unreasonable burden of never vacationing alone or with friends again, or not doing something without permission, I want no part of it. That's silly. It's all so silly. At most, these girls are probably going to have a few pina coladas, swim in the ocean and take instagram pictures. GO ON VACATION GIRLFRIEND. HAVE FUN. But its not your right to dictate what is a boundary in thier marrige or his personal boundaries. I know a couple who actively date other people, there is no sex involved, but the f they meet someone interesting of the opposite sex they allow one another to explore that interest. Hey, that wouldn't work for me. Their marriage isn't your marriage, her husband isn't your husband and they may have different boundaries. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 The thing I find slightly odd is this isn't a "girl's" week out, this is the OP and one of her friends. Just the two of them together. Unless I read things incorrectly. I wonder why this girlfriend is insisting on just the two of them together? Why can't H come along, and why wasn't he invited in the first place? I can't quite smell a fish but I may have seen a tell-tale swirl on the water's surface. I wondered why he too could not come...but the op did not address it. and the two friends have not seen each other for a long time....its not like they had any plans to "see" each other until this trip came up. I just don't see how this trip could be this important to a newlywed...that she would be this torn over a trip.... or her husband there is more to the story if this brand new marriage is having this kind of dilemma. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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