Annaliese Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 I want a divorce from my husband of 5 years. He spends 98% of his free time on his computer pursuing his hobby. We haven't been physical in more than 3 years, so we're living like roommates who share a bed. The only physical contact we have is that he holds my hand when we are around friends. He puts himself before me all the time. If we have plans to go out with friends but I don't feel well, he'll go anyway, rather than reschedule or just stay home to take care of me. He takes the contrary view of almost everything I ever say and we wind up arguing over the most ridiculous things. I suggested marriage counseling a couple years ago, but he said he was too busy to make time for it. I've told him so many times that I'm lonely and unhappy in our marriage and he just ignores it or blames it on me being depressed, as if the problem is just in my brain. Despite all of this, when I tell him I want a divorce, it will blindside him. He seems content in this marriage. I have made the decision to leave him, but it's going to take a lot of planning. We will both have to move out, since neither of us can afford this apartment on our own. I'm very afraid of breaking the news. How do you tell someone you want a divorce when they're completely clueless about the state of their marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 He isn't clueless, it could be him pushing you to end things, or simply ignoring it. He is in the same relationship, so it's unlikely he is clueless Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 I suggest you put on your "I really don't care anymore" attitude when you break the news. If he is indeed blindsided, simply remind him of all the times you said that you were unhappy and he ignored it. Remind him of how he refused counselling. Be firm. Do not waver. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annaliese Posted January 2, 2017 Author Share Posted January 2, 2017 DKT3, I don't know. He just booked a vacation for us for this fall and always talks about his dreams for our retirement (we're in our 50s) and going into business together. It's more like he has no clue what a marriage is supposed to be, I guess. I can't figure it out, either. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 DKT3, I don't know. He just booked a vacation for us for this fall and always talks about his dreams for our retirement (we're in our 50s) and going into business together. It's more like he has no clue what a marriage is supposed to be, I guess. I can't figure it out, either. Given his age, I would think there is a good chance he has some medical issues that may diminish his sexual desire. If that is the case it would cause him to avoid intimacy all together. Maybe you could convince him to visit a doctor before filing for divorce, unless you are pass the point of wanting to save the marriage. I suspect he could have low testosterone levels. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 You are just a convenience. Some people marry for wrong reasons and yours seem to be those. Since he is not interested in the marriage, apart from roommate gain , he will resist divorce but you don't need his permission to divorce. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annaliese Posted January 2, 2017 Author Share Posted January 2, 2017 You are just a convenience. Some people marry for wrong reasons and yours seem to be those. Since he is not interested in the marriage, apart from roommate gain , he will resist divorce but you don't need his permission to divorce. Wow, harsh. But this made me think. He really likes to show me off to his friends (all married). He brags about my past accomplishments, shows them his favorite photos of me. So it's more like I'm a wife "for show" as well as a living convenience, which explains the way he shows physical affection (hand-holding, etc.) only when his friends around. I have absolutely no interest in saving this marriage. It's already over for me emotionally and physically. It's just hard to get out. Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 It sounds like he's perfectly happy with his marriage. Hard to believe that he's lived with you and hasnt seen how unhappy you are. If you are bound and determined that you are done, you will just have to firmly tell him how you feel and that you want a divorce. Either he's blindsided, or you stay and be miserable. Your choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annaliese Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 It sounds like he's perfectly happy with his marriage. Hard to believe that he's lived with you and hasnt seen how unhappy you are. If you are bound and determined that you are done, you will just have to firmly tell him how you feel and that you want a divorce. Either he's blindsided, or you stay and be miserable. Your choice. It is truly amazing that he only sees what he wants to see, isn't it? But it's true. He's not only heard me tell him countless times how unhappy I am with our life, I've even put it in writing to him a few times. With specifics! The choice has been made. But I have planning to do (mostly financial), so it will take a bit of time. I have lived this way for 5 years, so what's a little more time, at least with an exciting goal in mind, as opposed to looking at the rest of my life living like I have been. I'm motivated. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Amazingly marriage counseling can transistion you thru this decision. I applaud you if you can do this "talk" without a tear. It may see freeing ... And maybe for you it is. To the one being outcast.. It's much to swollow. Be respectful ... You are both of age to be civil in this departure. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Annaliese - you are making the right decision IMHO. No sex for 3 years, yeah that is not going to work. I think some people for whatever reason just get in their own little world and they just cannot hear other people's words. It is like you are talking a different language. Some call it denial and maybe that is it. Go ahead with your plans. You cannot change other people. Just be aware and prepared that he will make you the bad guy when it happens. Just stay strong and try to be happy... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 Hi Annaliese, First you are a hero for how to handle ending a marriage the right way! Take pride in this. You didn't go down the path of adultery. How long are you and your husband married/together? Any children? Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 Married 5 years Unhappy for 5 years? Wty did you marry then???? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annaliese Posted January 4, 2017 Author Share Posted January 4, 2017 Married 5 years Unhappy for 5 years? Wty did you marry then???? Things were fantastic when we were dating, which lasted almost 2 years before we got married. It really started to go seriously downhill a couple years into the marriage. I still had hope that it could get better. But now, at the 5 year mark, I know this is it. It's only getting worse. Jersey born raised, I'm just not the kind of person who would have an affair behind my husband's back. I couldn't live with that kind of dishonesty in myself. That doesn't make me a hero. Maybe a bit old fashioned, but I'd like to think there are a lot of other women out there who aren't cheaters, either. And no, we do not have kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SaveYourHeart Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 Sit him down and tell him that you aren't happy, you haven't been happy and that you've decided it's time for you to find you happiness again. Or you could have him served. That's usually the easiest, especially when there are assets involved. Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 So divorce then From what you just said What is the problem? Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 Or you waiting for the right opportunity??? From what you said you don't want to do it until the times right ? I understand the clocks ticking!! But you knew that when you married!!!!! I have NO simplify for you. You haven't given me any to show you so far. I think you should try harder to save your marriage aM Link to post Share on other sites
Freebee007 Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 Mine was just the same. I ended up looking out for myself by getting my own place (unbeknownst to him) and THEN told him. I didn't want to have to live with him a minute longer after telling him that I want to separate. Try to see if you can do that way. It won't be easy either way but this method is less painful. (Also, you just described MY ex-hubby verbatim!) The showing off will then turn in to a pity party to himself. He'll tell anyone who listens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annaliese Posted January 5, 2017 Author Share Posted January 5, 2017 Mine was just the same. I ended up looking out for myself by getting my own place (unbeknownst to him) and THEN told him. I didn't want to have to live with him a minute longer after telling him that I want to separate. Try to see if you can do that way. It won't be easy either way but this method is less painful. (Also, you just described MY ex-hubby verbatim!) The showing off will then turn in to a pity party to himself. He'll tell anyone who listens. That's exactly it!!! My first step is to get my credit cards paid down and get rid of them. I can't have that extra expense. I've already been apartment hunting online to see what's out there and I'm working on a budget. I'm paring down my belongings and getting rid of a lot of unnecessary clutter. I want to be ready to move out when I tell him. Living with him for months AFTER telling him I want a divorce would be torture! There is no use trying to save a marriage with a man who is not interested in having any kind of connection with me other than to use me as an armpiece in front of his friends and as a way to share expenses. A man with whom I share no interests except a couple of TV shows. A man who has insulted my beliefs, spirituality, and tastes. A man who puts himself first, his friends second, and me third. A man who would rather spend weekends on his computer than doing something with his wife. A man who claims to have no time for marriage counseling. Save the marriage? Uh, no. I'm over it and ready to move on. It's just a bit scary, so that's why I'm here. To seek advice and support. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Aesc Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 (edited) I want a divorce from my husband of 5 years. He spends 98% of his free time on his computer pursuing his hobby. We haven't been physical in more than 3 years, so we're living like roommates who share a bed. The only physical contact we have is that he holds my hand when we are around friends. Are you still an attractive woman? Or have you packed on the pounds and inches since you got married? Do you take care of yourself or have you neglected your appearance? Why was he attracted to you but no longer is? Are your health and/or depression issues affecting his desire for you? Edited January 7, 2017 by Aesc Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 Get your own place, move out, get an attorney and have them break the news (with papers) to your stbxh if you don't want to do it yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 If he put in lots of effort and reconnected with you (obviously you fell for him and married him for a reason, right?) would you be willing to stay? Just a suggestion, tell him he goes to marriage counseling with you so you two can work together to make the marriage good again, or it's a divorce. Or if you're truly wanting out then just file and detach more, who cares if he is shocked and upset? though I highly doubt he's clueless about how unhappy you are. 3 years and no sex, he'd be pretty stupid not to see a divorce coming his way. Why no sex for so long? His choice? your choice? Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 Yeah??? What is up with the no sex... What is that about? Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Yeah??? What is up with the no sex... What is that about? What's that about? I guess sex is the be all and end all with you? Sex doesn't equal love Capiche¿??? Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 aMguilts, careful you might hurt my feelings... And yes, sex is important. Sex does not have to equal love but Romantic love, need to include sex... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts