I caught my husband having sex with another woman. I'm lost

[whichwayisup]

She has NO intention of walking away. I'm sure she feels sad, bad and guilty but (notice HOW MANY TIMES she said 'but' and that negates any true apology, that's like saying sorry if I hurt your feelings, and knowing damn well you did!) not enough to end it and say out of your lives, it makes no difference. she loves him, wants him and has even thought a head into the future.

 

He lied to her at the beginning and still chose to continue the A when she found out he was married and having a baby with you. WTF. She's just as bad as he is, even though she wrote you that letter, it doesn't seem exactly kindhearted, if anything it's manipulative and turning the knife even more.

 

You have every right to feel the way you do. You've done nothing wrong.

 

I asked my husband if he loves her, I wanted him to be 100% honest. He acknowledged he does. I asked him if he loves me, he said yes and he will always love me, but as his best friend and the mother of his child....

 

File for divorce. He sees you as a his 'best friend' not a wife.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you and your soon to be family. Shame on him for being so selfish and ruining everything that you had.

[VeveCakes]

Ewww...what a wretched self absorbed woman.

 

You need to leave them to each other and find a lawyer asap.

[HereNorThere]

Wowsers! Talk about a load of narcissistic word salad. "Hey, sorry I do bad things things to women and children but I'm not a bad person, no really, I promise." She's just sending you that to relieve her guilt. If she was truly sorry, she wouldn't be kicking a pregnant woman when she was down. If that's what being in love is, I don't ever want to be in love. Seriously, just what kind of person could do that to a woman in their most vulnerable state? That's a special kind of evil. Never, ever, ever meet up with this woman. There is no telling what lengths she would go to in order to harm you.

 

Is she still sending the cookies, or nah?

 

We're with you, OP. Keep posting and venting if it helps you. Sometimes bad things happen to good people and this is one of those times. Lean on your friends, family and us Internet cats! Do you have access to a counselor or therapist? Did you know you can talk to real one from the comfort of your own home? A lot of doctors and counselors offer support via Skype and text now. I saw one advertise with relatively inexpensive rates on television just the other day.

 

You will have your moment in the sun, I can promise you that. There's so much to look forward to. The birth of your child, finding someone who respects and loves you the way they are supposed to and the confidence you will gain from leaving this abusive situation are just around the corner. It's hard, but hang in there.

 

Good things are waiting for you. Until then, you know where to find us. Stay strong!

Edited January 4, 2017 by HereNorThere

[HereNorThere]

Ewww...what a wretched self absorbed woman.

 

You need to leave them to each other and find a lawyer asap.

 

Yup, the nerd in me decided to copy and paste that message into Microsoft Word and do a find function for the word "I."

72 "I's" in that one message. Word automagically highlights the letter throughout the document and my screen is lit up like a Christmas tree.

 

VeveCakes called it. 72 I's is beyond self absorbed.

Edited January 4, 2017 by HereNorThere

[KatieLaw]

"You have every right to hate me and I'm not even mad?" Really? And maybe she came into your life for a reason? Well, maybe. Just to show you that you need to put a lot of distance between you and H before you have a houseful of children. I'm terribly sorry they did this to you.

 

She's not a nice person, you know. If I fell in love with someone then found out he was a liar who cheated on his pregnant wife, I like to think I'd fall out of love very quickly.

[sandylee1]

Someone asked me how old are we - me 26, him 31. When I saw them, we all were actually shocked, she was the most... When she was leaving she whispered I'm sorry. I went crazy, I had so many feelings in me that I couldn't even express myself. I couldn't believe in what I've seen. He wanted to talk and explain but I didn't want to listen. I asked him to leave, but then I was like 'you know what, let me leave, I won't be able to stay here anyway'. We didn't contact, I returned the next day and he was not there, he left a note. It is gonna be our first child.

 

First of all, I'd like to thank you all. It's really good to see other people's opinion.

 

I've decided not to meet her, but I messaged her that if she wants to she can send me a pw on Facebook. She did, she wrote:

 

 

I am not bad person,

 

we simply enjoyed our company

 

And the rest.

 

I believe there is something between me and X

 

if he will want to be with you, I will let him

 

Stupid woman she is.

 

maybe I appeared in your life for a reason?

 

Yep. To wreck your marriage along with your husband.

 

We have decided to take it slow and I let him think. If you hate me, I will let you, but just know -

 

if you will ever be in trouble, I would be the first person to help you

 

Just liked she helped herself to your husband eh.

 

 

I just care about people,

 

Strange way of showing it.

 

I probably shouldn't tell you this but I am madly in love.

 

Yep. Showing what a lovely person she is again.

 

before we've decided to get involved sexually, we both got tested for STDs, he was aware of it, he wanted to make sure you are safe... So have I

 

So considerate of them.

 

No matter what, he will always be for you and your baby

 

How noble of her.

 

If he will decide to stay with me, please believe me, I will never stop from seeing you or your son, ever. Please believe me, I am not the enemy and never will be

 

Is she mad? If she isn't the enemy who is? Deluded fool she is.

 

 

 

I asked my husband if he loves her, I wanted him to be 100% honest. He acknowledged he does. I asked him if he loves me, he said yes and he will always love me, but as his best friend and the mother of his child....

 

Best friends don't do what he did. He betrayed you with such little respect while pregnant.

 

Who needs a best friend like him. Im sorry he turned out to be a selfish bas***d. I hope your child is nothing like him in that respect.

 

Can I ask ... is English her first language? It doesn't come across like it is. Or her grammar is just poor.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

I met a man once who swept me off my feet. He hit on me at a coffee shop and came after me STRONG. 5 dates in, I discovered he was married when his wife called my cell phone after the date asking for him. I confronted him immediately and he claimed they were separated and on verge of divorce, that she was crazy..

 

Not ok, but I was willing to listen to his story. At this point, I really didn't know who to believe.

 

The next day, wife called me again and we talked...later that night she called me (without him knowing) and had me listen to their conversation. He was pleading with her, insisting that I had hit on him and that I was the one chasing him, that he had made a mistake, etc. Lying through his teeth. He called me the next day not knowing I had listened to their convo..again trying to charm me.

 

I ended it right then and there. I was so disgusted with him as a person and that I was any part of this drama. I felt horrible for his wife.

 

OP's - OW found out he was married and still continued with the relationship. She "felt bad" but she still came to your home and had sex in your bed. She then claims that she would stay away from your family if you want...

 

Both your husband and his OW deserve each other. Lying, cheating, with low moral character. You, on the other hand, will rise above.

 

Focus on a health pregnancy and taking care of yourself. Lean on those who love you for support. You will get through this and realize that you will be stronger for this.

 

(BIG HUGS)

[turnera]

I understand. It's just my feelings, I loved this guy with my whole heart, I felt so lucky to have him... It hurts a lot :(

I don't mean to be disrespectful, but it's your first love. You don't have the experience yet to know what real love is. I take it you're early 20s. I think he charmed your pants off and carried on doing what he does - charming OTHER women's pants off.

 

Count yourself lucky that you learned this early, and that you were granted a gift of a child whom you can love. When you have so many years ahead of you.

 

What I told my DD26 was to just date around in high school and have fun, as you're not grown up yet. Try on a few different people in college to see what type of person you're a good match for, but still don't get serious, because you don't know where your careers will end up taking you. Once you're out of college, THEN start looking for someone serious, but still don't commit for at least a year or two; you need that much time to see them in good times and bad times, to see if you're compatible or it's a mistake. DD26 didn't meet her fiance until she was 23. She's 26 and still hasn't gotten married yet - she wants to finish her masters degree first. And won't get married for another year and a half. She's confident that she'll find any issues with him in the 4 years before marriage.

 

I know that's not what you want to hear, but I wanted you to see a different way of looking at relationships, so you can feel more confident that you DO have a future ahead of you, without a piece of crap who would do this a year into your marriage.

 

File for divorce and never look back. Yes, that's what smart women will do.

[ladydesigner]

(((crisspy))) Everyone one has given you great advice! I wanted to say how sorry I am that you are in this pain that no one deserves! Your WH and his concubine are vile human beings and her message to you... what a POS she is. Probably as Narcissistic as your WH.

 

I know this is a vulnerable time for you, but it is best this happened now rather than down the line when your child is older and able to understand these things. Infidelity is like an STD it's the gift that keeps on giving and never ever goes away!

 

I wish I left my WH after first Dday, wish I never married him and wish I never laid eyes on him.

[BuddyX]

The STD comment by OW is just disgusting. It's one thing to have a one night stand, but to actually go through the entire proces (clinic, wait time). This was deliberate and malicious.

 

Go hard after him. I mean, for everything. If you have a picture of your ultrasound, create a checkbook with the pic in it. Hand him the checkbook. Every month he's going to have to write out a check with that pic on it.

 

Guy is a punk A$$ B*tch.

[HereNorThere]

The STD comment by OW is just disgusting. It's one thing to have a one night stand, but to actually go through the entire proces (clinic, wait time). This was deliberate and malicious.

 

Go hard after him. I mean, for everything. If you have a picture of your ultrasound, create a checkbook with the pic in it. Hand him the checkbook. Every month he's going to have to write out a check with that pic on it.

 

Guy is a punk A$$ B*tch.

 

I just didn't buy that for one second. That was just a way for her to relieve her guilt or deflect from the fact that she put an innocent, unborn child at risk.

 

So she cared enough to get tested, but not enough to stop herself from breaking up a family and leaving a woman to have a child on her own? Sounds like she'd cut us a good deal on a bridge as well.

 

It's not worth it, nor should OP start any drama (for health reasons) but it would be nice if she said "Okay, prove it. Let's see the paperwork. We'll go down to the clinic right now and you can have them print us out a copy of your records."

 

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I just really doubt that it happened.

Edited January 5, 2017 by HereNorThere

[dreamingoftigers]

I've got only my dad and step sisters (the eldest is 18), I don't really want to involve them. The first thing I've done was going to my dad's house... I know he went to find him just to mess his face up, I didn't want him to do it because I don't like violence but I just could not stop him. I know he said to him to stay away from me and our family... I am his first born and he always tried to protect me. He could not believe that my husband did what he did, he said he trusted him and he would never expect that. He basically hates him right now and calls him a piece of sh*t, he will never forgive him and that worries me because he is the father of my child. I've got support from my friends and everyone are shocked, they just want me to move on...

 

So, your Dad has your back at least.

 

Maybe not quite the way you would like him to, but it's still better than the alternative.

 

(Sorry, it's just my Dad wasn't supportive and was caught having his own affair).

 

You stein shock and you're pregnant. Your whole world has just been ripped apart but let me assure you: yes, what is happening IS HAPPENING.

 

2. It Is not "the marriage's fault" or your fault.

Think about an awful marriage, the awfulest. One where he spits in your hair or call you names, steals your money, drinks, smuggled drugs for a Cartel, whatever.....

 

I am willing to bet that you would NEVER have snuck another man in his bed EVER. You would have either left or dealt with the circumstance. I doubt you would have ever done something so slimy. So don't listen to whatever bullcrap he tries to spread your way. This was 110% his lousy choice.

 

3. He has ISSUES. A lot of these guys divide sex from emotion and just do whatever is available. This is "sex" and this is "wife." Which is mental of course. But some get off on NOT having an intimate relationship with another human being.

 

4. Lawyer up. He's an idiot so expect an idiotic ride. Expect an idiotic ride through parenthood too. A lot of these guys don't do much better with parenting than intimacy.

 

5. Yes he was a nice guy. Or at least he made every effort to appear to be.

 

6. He will most likely try to come back unless he knows he's so toasted with you. Then they behave for a bit and then cheat more. Not every cheater is like this, but yours seems pathological. He would have to get YEARS of therapy to get to the root of this one.

 

7. The best way through this one is to cut through it like a hot knife through butter. As someone on the other side of infidelity, I am with my husband but the scar tissue isn't worth it. He cheated on me when I was pregnant and I am NOT over it EIGHT YEARS LATER. I am happy with the family and relationship I have now (for the most part) but the years and grief and pain and bullcrap I took over it were NOT worth it. Not at all. If I had to do over, I would have dropped him and found someone else. It took EIGHT YEARS for him to be completely honest with me. And that was with me pushing pushing pushing. And your case of infidelity is just outrageous.

[whichwayisup]

Am curious, did he see the note that OW wrote you? If not, just for kicks you should put a copy of it in the divorce papers.

 

Wish there was a magic wand to make your pain disappear. Please take care of yourself.

[dreamingoftigers]

What could she possibly say about f**king your husband, in your house.

 

You don't need to hear any rubbish she has to tell you, because the bottom line is that she knew he was married and probably knew you were pregnant too.

 

She'll get her comeuppance in time and when she thinks back to this, she'll realise why.

 

The cheap little tramp isn't worth a second of your time.

 

Yeah I mean, what could her possible explanation be?

 

"I got lost on the way to the grocery store and ended up fcking your husband in your bed, these things happen....."?

[dreamingoftigers]

Someone asked me how old are we - me 26, him 31. When I saw them, we all were actually shocked, she was the most... When she was leaving she whispered I'm sorry. I went crazy, I had so many feelings in me that I couldn't even express myself. I couldn't believe in what I've seen. He wanted to talk and explain but I didn't want to listen. I asked him to leave, but then I was like 'you know what, let me leave, I won't be able to stay here anyway'. We didn't contact, I returned the next day and he was not there, he left a note. It is gonna be our first child.

 

First of all, I'd like to thank you all. It's really good to see other people's opinion.

 

I've decided not to meet her, but I messaged her that if she wants to she can send me a pw on Facebook. She did, she wrote:

 

"Hello, I know you hate me right now, honestly - I would hate myself, too. I just want to let you know that I care. I do not really know where to begin, I am aware of how much I hurt you... When I met X, I did not know he's even taken. Yes I know, it does not justify my actions, not at all. I don't expect anything from you, NOTHING. I just want you to know that I am not bad person, I didn't plan all this. To be honest, I always thought you will never find out about my existence. Don't get me wrong, I have never wanted to take your place, we simply enjoyed our company but he is married to you and I've never expected him to chose between us. I believe there is something between me and X, but he has chosen you. He has never said anything bad about you, we barely spoke about his family. I don't know what he's gonna do, I don't know what I'd do if I was him.. but if he will want to be with you, I will let him and leave you alone. I won't say I don't have feelings for him, this would be a lie, but maybe I appeared in your life for a reason? There must be any.

 

We have decided to take it slow and I let him think. If you hate me, I will let you, but just know - if you will ever be in trouble, I would be the first person to help you. I know what I did was wrong and you probably don't care what I say, because I am gross in your eyes. It was selfish, but I fell in love. Jesus, I can't believe I'm telling all this to his wife. I don't even know why I am doing this. You have every right to hate me and I'm not even mad. This is a difficult situation for the all of us but I will be fine and I hope you will be, too. No, I don't want to be friends, I don't want you to message me when you down... I just care about people, I did wrong I know, but I hurt you badly and I really hope you will get any support you need. If you want me to stay away from your husband - I will. I probably shouldn't tell you this but I am madly in love. I am as confused as you.

 

You know, I really tried to stay away from you and your family. That day I didn't want to come to your house, we were only supposed to be there to take something and LEAVE... Believe me, I was in your house only this one time. It probably doesn't even matter, but just know it, it happened only that one time. There is another thing I want to tell you, before we've decided to get involved sexually, we both got tested for STDs, he was aware of it, he wanted to make sure you are safe... So have I. Sometimes, there were days when I was wondering about what I'm doing... I was blind, I tried to stop it many times, I just couldn't, he just couldn't. For some reason... No matter what, he will always be for you and your baby. If he will decide to stay with me, please believe me, I will never stop from seeing you or your son, ever. Please believe me, I am not the enemy and never will be. I don't expect you to reply, I don't even expect you will read it. I am really, really sorry..."

 

I didn't respond but I broke into tears! Not sure why, just having every sort of emotion in me right now.

 

I asked my husband if he loves her, I wanted him to be 100% honest. He acknowledged he does. I asked him if he loves me, he said yes and he will always love me, but as his best friend and the mother of his child....

 

Ugh. She wants you to like her and thinks she's a caring, understanding person but she's a total mess.

 

Like she has ZERO impulse control.

 

And your husband is just grinding your self-esteem.

 

Honestly he will just KEEP grinding your self-esteem because he's so checked-pit from you, and frankly REALITY.

 

Just let these two idiots at each other. They are each other's karma.

[dreamingoftigers]

She has NO intention of walking away. I'm sure she feels sad, bad and guilty but (notice HOW MANY TIMES she said 'but' and that negates any true apology, that's like saying sorry if I hurt your feelings, and knowing damn well you did!) not enough to end it and say out of your lives, it makes no difference. she loves him, wants him and has even thought a head into the future.

 

He lied to her at the beginning and still chose to continue the A when she found out he was married and having a baby with you. WTF. She's just as bad as he is, even though she wrote you that letter, it doesn't seem exactly kindhearted, if anything it's manipulative and turning the knife even more.

 

You have every right to feel the way you do. You've done nothing wrong.

 

 

 

File for divorce. He sees you as a his 'best friend' not a wife.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you and your soon to be family. Shame on him for being so selfish and ruining everything that you had.

 

Yeah she's a total manipulator.

 

Really lame one actually.

 

And so is he frankly.

 

Would you ever do something like this to a BEST FRIEND? I doubt it. He just knows you are hurting so he'll grind you down some more so he doesn't have to feel like the crap he should.

 

Something is really wrong with these two.

[dreamingoftigers]

"You have every right to hate me and I'm not even mad?" Really? And maybe she came into your life for a reason? Well, maybe. Just to show you that you need to put a lot of distance between you and H before you have a houseful of children. I'm terribly sorry they did this to you.

 

She's not a nice person, you know. If I fell in love with someone then found out he was a liar who cheated on his pregnant wife, I like to think I'd fall out of love very quickly.

 

The reason she came into your life was because she couldn't give a damn about any kind of boundaries with other human beings.

 

Not because it was some kind of "mystical destiny."

 

I feel like showing up in this woman's life "for a reason." To throw her down a flight of stairs.

[HereNorThere]

Maybe we could help you with your reply to her?

 

Dear [insert homewrecker's name]

 

I appreciate your letter and these cookies, omg. Did [insert jerkface's name] tell you that chocolate chip are my favorite? That was very sweet of him. To be completely honest, I was not surprised to find you in bed with my husband. Over the years, I've caught him having relations with several women and a locker room full of men. I'm not exactly sure what changed, but ever since he started using that grindy hook-up app thing, he's had a real problem. I truly thought that after he was diagosed with [insert scary std name] he would change his ways, but I guess he has not. Don't worry, I have been tested and my doctor assures me the baby is 100% [insert scary std name] free.

 

I wish you two the best of luck. He's in a really good place right now. Most of the guys that come over are super friendly, his AA sponsor says he's doing really well, and he started daily medication to suppress his outbreaks.

 

Did I mention these cookies? OMG, they almost make up for catching you in bed with my husband and breaking up my family. I'd call it even, but they are a little buttery for my taste. Also, a pinch of salt and a little less baking powder wouldn't hurt.

 

See you in court. Hey, it'll be the first time I've seen you in clothes! I bet you'll look so cute. I'll bring my selfie stick, k?

It's just a rough draft. Hopefully it helps. Print it out, put it in an envelope, put 2 pounds of loose glitter in the envelope, seal, mail, and never look back.

[sandylee1]

I'd forward the OWs message to your husband actually.

[HereNorThere]

I'd forward the OWs message to your husband actually.

 

Why not just post the screenshots on Facebook? You know, next to the sonogram and comments from WH's family?

 

We can post the cookies on the Instagram. I hear that's what the kids do on there.

[anika99]

OH my Gawd! I just read that delusional narcissistic drivel the OW sent you and I was dying to respond but I made myself read to the end of the thread first and saw that so many great posters here already said everything I wanted to say.

 

I will say this. The best response to the OW is no response at all. Treat her like she is invisible, like she doesn't even exist. It will eat her right up. She is dying to relieve her guilty conscience right now (guilt is not remorse, remember that) and she desperately wants some kind of validation that she is not a bad person. Even if you send her a hate filled negative reply full of names and insults, it will ease her guilt. How is that possible? Because then she will think you are a mean person who is unfairly blaming her. She will twist her little deluded mind into believing that now she is the victim who is being hurt by you. She will tell your husband all about how she reached out to you with so much compassion only to be unfairly attacked by you. He will tell her what a good person she is for trying and agree with her that you were mean to her. They will tell each other that they are good people and sadly shake their heads at how sad it all is that this had to happen and how sad it is that you can't be a more reasonable forgiving person.

 

HereNorThere's sample response was awesome and cracked me up but in my opinion even that reply is giving the OW too much attention. She wants relief from feeling like a crappy person so she will take anything you say and try to twist it in some way to let herself off the hook. It may not seem like it, but utter silence is your friend. Give zero attention or validation. Let the OW and your husband stew.

[anika99]

I'd forward the OWs message to your husband actually.

 

Oh I bet the OW already showed the message to the OPs husband or at least told him all about it. And he probably told her how sweet and kind it was of her to be so concerned about the OP and that proves she's a good person so she shouldn't feel bad about herself. Affair partners are all about propping each other up with flattery and ego stroking.

[tinkerbell16]

Maybe we could help you with your reply to her?

 

Dear [insert homewrecker's name]

 

I appreciate your letter and these cookies, omg. Did [insert jerkface's name] tell you that chocolate chip are my favorite? That was very sweet of him. To be completely honest, I was not surprised to find you in bed with my husband. Over the years, I've caught him having relations with several women and a locker room full of men. I'm not exactly sure what changed, but ever since he started using that grindy hook-up app thing, he's had a real problem. I truly thought that after he was diagosed with [insert scary std name] he would change his ways, but I guess he has not. Don't worry, I have been tested and my doctor assures me the baby is 100% [insert scary std name] free.

 

I wish you two the best of luck. He's in a really good place right now. Most of the guys that come over are super friendly, his AA sponsor says he's doing really well, and he started daily medication to suppress his outbreaks.

 

Did I mention these cookies? OMG, they almost make up for catching you in bed with my husband and breaking up my family. I'd call it even, but they are a little buttery for my taste. Also, a pinch of salt and a little less baking powder wouldn't hurt.

 

See you in court. Hey, it'll be the first time I've seen you in clothes! I bet you'll look so cute. I'll bring my selfie stick, k?

It's just a rough draft. Hopefully it helps. Print it out, put it in an envelope, put 2 pounds of loose glitter in the envelope, seal, mail, and never look back.

 

Hysterical and tragic at the same time.

 

These people exist... and walk about life without a care in the world.

 

He will be a train wreck of a father likely. I would fight for full custody if at all possibe.

 

They got tested for STD'S first??? How very thoughtful.

 

Gross just gross.

[tinkerbell16]

I'd forward the OWs message to your husband actually.

 

They probably wrote it together though...

[tinkerbell16]

Yup, the nerd in me decided to copy and paste that message into Microsoft Word and do a find function for the word "I."

72 "I's" in that one message. Word automagically highlights the letter throughout the document and my screen is lit up like a Christmas tree.

 

VeveCakes called it. 72 I's is beyond self absorbed.

 

Ha I hope he marries her and spends eternity trying to please her self absorbed no empathy f €&*#÷ up mentality!