I caught my husband having sex with another woman. I'm lost

[BetrayedH]

Yeah I mean, what could her possible explanation be?

 

"I got lost on the way to the grocery store and ended up fcking your husband in your bed, these things happen....."?

 

It was never planned and all a big accident. She slipped, tripped, and fell on his dick. Repeatedly. In the marital bed. For months and years.

[l8estnews]

After reading so much about infidelities and things like these, I have already learned that people who can do these things aren't worth the fight at all. Life is too short to be nostalgic and sentimental about people with ****ty personalities.

 

Ensure he pays spousal and child support and forget him.

[gettingstronger]

Oh my, what a horrible situation- I am so sorry.

 

You have received lots of good advice here. My thought is that affairs give people an odd sense of power and self importance-don't play in to that- I know you are sad and possibly want him back, but don't let them see you sweat-that only amplifies the drama they thrive on and pushes them closer together-

 

Allow them to feel what it will be like when its just the two of them-no drama or power to bind them-just them-let your husband feel what its going to be like to be "that guy"- the one that cheated on his pregnant wife, the one that did not do right by his marriage or his family-let him feel all of that without the ego boost of drama with two women fighting over him- let him stew in his own makings-

 

That will allow him to see more clearly what his life will be like- who knows, maybe he will come to you, ready to be a better person- you can decide then if you want to work on the marriage-

 

Read up on the 180 to help yourself detach and heal-

 

Best of luck and hang in there-

[wmacbride]

OP,

please, please PLEASE stay as far away from this ow as you possibly can. She has zero emotional intelligence, and either doesn't understand, or understands and doesn't care, how much she hurt you.

 

The same is true multiplied by your WS , by 1000.

 

Unless i have my numbers wrong, they have been sleeping with each other throughout your entire marriage. She doesn't care, I doubt she feels any guilt and I will even speculate that she's feeling pretty pleased with herself right now. Her letter to you was nothing more than a transparent attempt to pat herself on the back and say " I was nice to my ap's bs". It's an ego feed for her.

 

Stay away from her, do not engage in any form of contact with her except to tell her that you are not interested in hearing from her ever again. Hopefully, she'll get the message and leave you alone.

 

As for your ws, as hard as it may be, start taking little steps to detach yourself for him. Sat up a support network for yourself, have friends come over if you need a distraction, arrange to have a family member for friend go to doctor' appointments with you, etc.

 

Also, if your wh or his ow try to contact you, keep records of dates, times, what was said, etc. You may never need it, but it's a good idea just in case you ever need to show unwanted attempts at contact.

 

I know it's early, but if doula services are available in your area, I would suggest you contact one. Most are excellent, and if they know your situation, they can be there for you and provide support. I would also let your doctors know how much stress you are under and why. Don't be embarrassed, as they have it all before and anyway, you have done nothing to feel ashamed of. One more thing to look into would be post partum support after your new son or daughter is born. It can be a tough time, and in your case, you have an added weight. It's okay to ask for help.

 

You can't expect to just urn your feelings off overnight. It will take time, and you may have setbacks. Don't be too hard on yourself if that happens. So long as you are generally moving forward, you will be fine.

[Lady Hamilton]

Someone asked me how old are we - me 26, him 31. When I saw them, we all were actually shocked, she was the most... When she was leaving she whispered I'm sorry. I went crazy, I had so many feelings in me that I couldn't even express myself. I couldn't believe in what I've seen. He wanted to talk and explain but I didn't want to listen. I asked him to leave, but then I was like 'you know what, let me leave, I won't be able to stay here anyway'. We didn't contact, I returned the next day and he was not there, he left a note. It is gonna be our first child.

 

First of all, I'd like to thank you all. It's really good to see other people's opinion.

 

I've decided not to meet her, but I messaged her that if she wants to she can send me a pw on Facebook. She did, she wrote:

 

"Hello, I know you hate me right now, honestly - I would hate myself, too. I just want to let you know that I care. I do not really know where to begin, I am aware of how much I hurt you... When I met X, I did not know he's even taken. Yes I know, it does not justify my actions, not at all. I don't expect anything from you, NOTHING. I just want you to know that I am not bad person, I didn't plan all this. To be honest, I always thought you will never find out about my existence. Don't get me wrong, I have never wanted to take your place, we simply enjoyed our company but he is married to you and I've never expected him to chose between us. I believe there is something between me and X, but he has chosen you. He has never said anything bad about you, we barely spoke about his family. I don't know what he's gonna do, I don't know what I'd do if I was him.. but if he will want to be with you, I will let him and leave you alone. I won't say I don't have feelings for him, this would be a lie, but maybe I appeared in your life for a reason? There must be any.

 

We have decided to take it slow and I let him think. If you hate me, I will let you, but just know - if you will ever be in trouble, I would be the first person to help you. I know what I did was wrong and you probably don't care what I say, because I am gross in your eyes. It was selfish, but I fell in love. Jesus, I can't believe I'm telling all this to his wife. I don't even know why I am doing this. You have every right to hate me and I'm not even mad. This is a difficult situation for the all of us but I will be fine and I hope you will be, too. No, I don't want to be friends, I don't want you to message me when you down... I just care about people, I did wrong I know, but I hurt you badly and I really hope you will get any support you need. If you want me to stay away from your husband - I will. I probably shouldn't tell you this but I am madly in love. I am as confused as you.

 

You know, I really tried to stay away from you and your family. That day I didn't want to come to your house, we were only supposed to be there to take something and LEAVE... Believe me, I was in your house only this one time. It probably doesn't even matter, but just know it, it happened only that one time. There is another thing I want to tell you, before we've decided to get involved sexually, we both got tested for STDs, he was aware of it, he wanted to make sure you are safe... So have I. Sometimes, there were days when I was wondering about what I'm doing... I was blind, I tried to stop it many times, I just couldn't, he just couldn't. For some reason... No matter what, he will always be for you and your baby. If he will decide to stay with me, please believe me, I will never stop from seeing you or your son, ever. Please believe me, I am not the enemy and never will be. I don't expect you to reply, I don't even expect you will read it. I am really, really sorry..."

 

I didn't respond but I broke into tears! Not sure why, just having every sort of emotion in me right now.

 

I asked my husband if he loves her, I wanted him to be 100% honest. He acknowledged he does. I asked him if he loves me, he said yes and he will always love me, but as his best friend and the mother of his child....

 

Reply back "TL;DR" and block.

[sandylee1]

They probably wrote it together though...

 

Maybe .... who knows.

 

He certainly have the OW his wife's number, although OWs have taken the number for the cheating husband's phone before now.

 

No response to OW is best .... I'd forward it to all his family as well. They can see what an idiot he is. Pre meditated cheating, to the point of having STD tests in advance.

 

Why not just leave the marriage.

[crisspy]

Another message from her

"my last message didn't sound too good, I apologize for any damage I've done. It's gonna be better if I will just stick to no contact. All the best"

 

I just replied "I dont know, I haven't bothered to read it."

Her: " Good for you, good night"

 

I asked if she's shown my husband that previous message, no reply. After 15 minutes I sent "I take it as a no, so maybe I will show him", her response: "yes I have". I asked him and she actually told him about it. He doesn't seem to bother.

 

I must admit that I went through her Facebook profile... I was just curious if I'll find something but no luck, there's almost everything hidden. I made a fake profile (Yes, I know.....), but she didn't accept my request, I even messaged her to accept it as we met at the party few months ago, no response. I don't know why I did all this, I was just dying from curiosity...

 

I asked her to prove that she has done these STD tests, she asked me what do I want her to do, I wrote "send me the copy", she replied "lol, you are crazy, but here you go", so she sent it over.

 

30 minutes later I received a text from the husband "did you really asked X to send you the copy of...?" I didn't reply. F*ck it, I just wanted to see it.

 

I'm slowly starting to see that they are worth each other. I'm at my dad's place since yesterday and my friends visit me, too... The amount of support I receive is insane. I scheduled an appointment with an attorney for Monday.

 

Thank you again for your support.

[sandylee1]

They deserve each other. You move forward with the divorce. If you didn't have family nearby, he's the sort of man I'd personally move across the oceans from and he'd never see his child....... and failing that, I'd just ignore him.

 

I was just thinking regarding the STD thing .... they couldn't just use have used condoms ... Oh no .... they were going for a really long affair with sex every which way. I've never known such pre meditation .... wicked and cruel lowlifes they are

 

I don't know how such people actually sleep at night.

 

You might consider blocking him as well.

 

Someone I knew stopped communicating directly with her cheating husband and had a (male) friend filter and respond to his emails, after consulting with her. She changed her number, so he couldn't call her to. It was too painful. He left her for the OW, but wanted her back after a few months.

 

Her friend would say "I will pass this email on to Kay, but the first paragraph is getting deleted" Her Ex was frustrated as hell by it.

 

No lawyers fees, but an even better effect.

 

I'd suggest you strongly consider giving the baby your surname (maiden name if you're going to change it back), on the birth cettificate.

 

Don't give your STBXH that honour, he doesn't deserve it. That will send a very powerful message and a hell of a sting to him.

 

At the very least double barrel the baby's surname.

[wmacbride]

Another message from her

"my last message didn't sound too good, I apologize for any damage I've done. It's gonna be better if I will just stick to no contact. All the best"

 

I just replied "I dont know, I haven't bothered to read it."

Her: " Good for you, good night"

 

I asked if she's shown my husband that previous message, no reply. After 15 minutes I sent "I take it as a no, so maybe I will show him", her response: "yes I have". I asked him and she actually told him about it. He doesn't seem to bother.

 

I must admit that I went through her Facebook profile... I was just curious if I'll find something but no luck, there's almost everything hidden. I made a fake profile (Yes, I know.....), but she didn't accept my request, I even messaged her to accept it as we met at the party few months ago, no response. I don't know why I did all this, I was just dying from curiosity...

 

I asked her to prove that she has done these STD tests, she asked me what do I want her to do, I wrote "send me the copy", she replied "lol, you are crazy, but here you go", so she sent it over.

 

30 minutes later I received a text from the husband "did you really asked X to send you the copy of...?" I didn't reply. F*ck it, I just wanted to see it.

 

I'm slowly starting to see that they are worth each other. I'm at my dad's place since yesterday and my friends visit me, too... The amount of support I receive is insane. I scheduled an appointment with an attorney for Monday.

 

Thank you again for your support.

 

Jesus, just what kind of drugs are those two on? Whatever it is, they need to get off of it.

 

(expletive deleted) the two of them for trying to make it sound like there is something wrong with you, a pregnant woman, wanting know the STD status of the woman her husband was sleeping with behind her back. :sick::sick:

 

Shows how much he cares for his child, which sounds like not at all.

 

Let him and his ow wallow in the muck they created. The ironic things is that they need you. You are the crux of the triangle, and without you, their relationship will likely fall apart .

[BetrayedH]

Another message from her

"my last message didn't sound too good, I apologize for any damage I've done. It's gonna be better if I will just stick to no contact. All the best"

 

I just replied "I dont know, I haven't bothered to read it."

Her: " Good for you, good night"

 

I asked if she's shown my husband that previous message, no reply. After 15 minutes I sent "I take it as a no, so maybe I will show him", her response: "yes I have". I asked him and she actually told him about it. He doesn't seem to bother.

 

I must admit that I went through her Facebook profile... I was just curious if I'll find something but no luck, there's almost everything hidden. I made a fake profile (Yes, I know.....), but she didn't accept my request, I even messaged her to accept it as we met at the party few months ago, no response. I don't know why I did all this, I was just dying from curiosity...

 

I asked her to prove that she has done these STD tests, she asked me what do I want her to do, I wrote "send me the copy", she replied "lol, you are crazy, but here you go", so she sent it over.

 

30 minutes later I received a text from the husband "did you really asked X to send you the copy of...?" I didn't reply. F*ck it, I just wanted to see it.

 

I'm slowly starting to see that they are worth each other. I'm at my dad's place since yesterday and my friends visit me, too... The amount of support I receive is insane. I scheduled an appointment with an attorney for Monday.

 

Thank you again for your support.

 

The "lol, you are crazy" line is classic. What is there to LOL about here? And why is it crazy to ask about STDs? What is funny or crazy about that?

 

Nice that they're having such a nice laugh about the whole thing and somehow implying that it's your reaction that's off.

 

Please detach yourself from this nonsense. It can definitely be crazy-making. Try not to buy into the crazy.

 

And quit comparing yourself to her. She's the wacko town hussie. And he's an unrepentant adulterer to his pregnant wife. You are not competing with her as if he is the prize. You'd be best to realize that you are the prize.

[KatieLaw]

Lol, indeed. Ignore them. Don't feed their sickness. They're so far beneath you. Concentrate on your health, hon. I wish you the very best of everything.

[anika99]

I knew she'd tell your husband all about the caring email she sent. Now she calls you crazy. What's crazy about wanting to ensure you and your baby haven't been exposed to diseases? She's stupid if she doesn't understand why that matter to you. Your husband is worse.

 

As I said before they will take whatever you do or say and twist it to suit their false self images of being good people. They will have to make you into a crazy bad person so that they can believe they are good people. You help them do that everytime you have communication with either of them but especially her. She is invisible, she doesn't exist. Don't give her anymore acknowledgement.

[Lady Hamilton]

She's trying to get into your head like she is in his. The moment you don't buy what she's selling, she will turn on you. She's out for her and the relationship, not you.

 

Print the DM, take it to your lawyer, block her, block him, and move along. And if he sent you anything saying he'd take care of you, keep that too. They all mean it until they find out just how much that really costs, then they say it's time for you to stand up on your own and move on.

[goodyblue]

Hi. I was OW once. The only thing I want to say is that the letter is absolute tripe. It is a disgusting display of her trying to garner forgiveness. That letter is all about her. I hope you leave him and find a better man. I. Wish you peace through it all.

[BaileyB]

That letter is terrible. It shows her immaturity and further confirms that they really do deserve each other.

 

Good for you for making the appointment with the lawyer. Ignore them as best you can... Best wishes to you as you move forward in your life.

[Sweetfish]

Don't worry about her or the letter and your wasting your time worrying about the OW. Any man that can sleep at night doing this to his wife and unborn child is one sick person. The OW just got dragged into this crap.

 

Only words worth say is... if your in love with a man willing to leave his pregnant wife. You can have him

 

Again nail him in court!!

[dreamingoftigers]

OP,

please, please PLEASE stay as far away from this ow as you possibly can. She has zero emotional intelligence, and either doesn't understand, or understands and doesn't care, how much she hurt you.

 

The same is true multiplied by your WS , by 1000.

 

Unless i have my numbers wrong, they have been sleeping with each other throughout your entire marriage. She doesn't care, I doubt she feels any guilt and I will even speculate that she's feeling pretty pleased with herself right now. Her letter to you was nothing more than a transparent attempt to pat herself on the back and say " I was nice to my ap's bs". It's an ego feed for her.

 

Stay away from her, do not engage in any form of contact with her except to tell her that you are not interested in hearing from her ever again. Hopefully, she'll get the message and leave you alone.

 

As for your ws, as hard as it may be, start taking little steps to detach yourself for him. Sat up a support network for yourself, have friends come over if you need a distraction, arrange to have a family member for friend go to doctor' appointments with you, etc.

 

Also, if your wh or his ow try to contact you, keep records of dates, times, what was said, etc. You may never need it, but it's a good idea just in case you ever need to show unwanted attempts at contact.

 

I know it's early, but if doula services are available in your area, I would suggest you contact one. Most are excellent, and if they know your situation, they can be there for you and provide support. I would also let your doctors know how much stress you are under and why. Don't be embarrassed, as they have it all before and anyway, you have done nothing to feel ashamed of. One more thing to look into would be post partum support after your new son or daughter is born. It can be a tough time, and in your case, you have an added weight. It's okay to ask for help.

 

You can't expect to just urn your feelings off overnight. It will take time, and you may have setbacks. Don't be too hard on yourself if that happens. So long as you are generally moving forward, you will be fine.

 

The odds of you being in my area are low. But if you are in Western Canada (AB) then I have a great friend who is a great doula with 12 children of her own.

 

Please PM me when you get enough posts.

[Mr. Lucky]

The "lol, you are crazy" line is classic. What is there to LOL about here? And why is it crazy to ask about STDs? What is funny or crazy about that?

 

Nice that they're having such a nice laugh about the whole thing and somehow implying that it's your reaction that's off.

 

Agreed except, on some level, they've done the OP a favor.

 

crisspy, you're one of the lucky few BS that doesn't have to wonder whether they should give their marriage a second chance, your WS has clearly shown himself for what he is. Hopefully you'll come to see your future as a clear path towards getting divorced and preparing for your child...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Oberfeldwebel]

Discontinue any contact with her, she is trying to play you. She is a liar and a cheat and you need not engage her any further. If you want revenge on her, let her have the SOB, that will teach her, eventually she will no longer be new and will drop her for the next flavor of the month.

 

You should limit any contact with him to legal and financial support. The sooner that you start to withdraw the better. This is going to take a long time to get over and your emotions are going to be all over the place. You need to concentrate your efforts to your child and starting over. You should consider counseling to get you on the right path.

[merrmeade]

Generally very seldom will they have a good opinion of the BS. It is not in their best interest, so most will have some form of antipathy toward the BS--jealousy, resentment, anger--for several reasons that I know of:

 

- They only know what they know through the WS who usually gives an unflattering portrayal of the spouse for sympathy, justification, excuse.

- It's easier to rationalize hurting someone if they're seen as evil, crazy, dangerous, etc.

- They need to feel like the theyre better for the WS.

- Negative ideas about the BS make it easier asier to rationalize the affair.

 

Rarely some BWs I've read here manage to get solidarity with the OW against the WH. Not easy. I could not have done it nor was I ready for years

 

So don't you usually avoid people who only want to make you feel bad about yourself? This is such a person to be avoided.

[wmacbride]

Ignore the ow. It takes a pretty cruddy person to get involve din something as cruel and calculating as she and your WS have done, so anything she says is not worth listening to. Give her and your WS as little head space as you can get away with.

 

On a different note. How far along are you? Have you been able to feel the baby kick or hear a heartbeat yet? Those can be really exciting and emotional times. Try and have support on hand so that if you need it, you can call on them to be there for you. Do you have any friends who would be willing to stay with you for a few days so that you can talk to them when you need to?

 

Whatever you do, try and get plenty of rest and eat well. Take time to enjoy the pregnancy milestones as they come up. Those moments are so precious, and they go by so fast.

 

Have you had an opportunity to speak with a lawyer yet? If not, I would do so as soon as you can. Knowing what your rights are can give you a lot of peace of mind. Also, if there is an infidelity support group in your area, I would suggest that you attend one of their meetings. Some people find that really helpful, and it can make a world of difference.

[dreamingoftigers]

OP, how are things going?

[Hopefuleddie]

Hello,

 

So sorry for what has happened to you. From another man, I would like to say sorry; this should not have happened. I pray that God will give you strength for the days ahead. Whatever you decide to do, I pray you come to a place of healing quickly. Regarding how you look and perform, please do let anybody's actions make you doubt yourself. Congratulations on the pregnancy; and hope you have a smooth experience. I am sure your will be a great mum.

[Hopefuleddie]

All the best.

Edited January 16, 2017 by Hopefuleddie
wrong post

[BTDT2012]

Someone asked me how old are we - me 26, him 31. When I saw them, we all were actually shocked, she was the most... When she was leaving she whispered I'm sorry. I went crazy, I had so many feelings in me that I couldn't even express myself. I couldn't believe in what I've seen. He wanted to talk and explain but I didn't want to listen. I asked him to leave, but then I was like 'you know what, let me leave, I won't be able to stay here anyway'. We didn't contact, I returned the next day and he was not there, he left a note. It is gonna be our first child.

 

First of all, I'd like to thank you all. It's really good to see other people's opinion.

 

I've decided not to meet her, but I messaged her that if she wants to she can send me a pw on Facebook. She did, she wrote:

 

"Hello, I know you hate me right now, honestly - I would hate myself, too. I just want to let you know that I care. I do not really know where to begin, I am aware of how much I hurt you... When I met X, I did not know he's even taken. Yes I know, it does not justify my actions, not at all. I don't expect anything from you, NOTHING. I just want you to know that I am not bad person, I didn't plan all this. To be honest, I always thought you will never find out about my existence. Don't get me wrong, I have never wanted to take your place, we simply enjoyed our company but he is married to you and I've never expected him to chose between us. I believe there is something between me and X, but he has chosen you. He has never said anything bad about you, we barely spoke about his family. I don't know what he's gonna do, I don't know what I'd do if I was him.. but if he will want to be with you, I will let him and leave you alone. I won't say I don't have feelings for him, this would be a lie, but maybe I appeared in your life for a reason? There must be any.

 

We have decided to take it slow and I let him think. If you hate me, I will let you, but just know - if you will ever be in trouble, I would be the first person to help you. I know what I did was wrong and you probably don't care what I say, because I am gross in your eyes. It was selfish, but I fell in love. Jesus, I can't believe I'm telling all this to his wife. I don't even know why I am doing this. You have every right to hate me and I'm not even mad. This is a difficult situation for the all of us but I will be fine and I hope you will be, too. No, I don't want to be friends, I don't want you to message me when you down... I just care about people, I did wrong I know, but I hurt you badly and I really hope you will get any support you need. If you want me to stay away from your husband - I will. I probably shouldn't tell you this but I am madly in love. I am as confused as you.

 

You know, I really tried to stay away from you and your family. That day I didn't want to come to your house, we were only supposed to be there to take something and LEAVE... Believe me, I was in your house only this one time. It probably doesn't even matter, but just know it, it happened only that one time. There is another thing I want to tell you, before we've decided to get involved sexually, we both got tested for STDs, he was aware of it, he wanted to make sure you are safe... So have I. Sometimes, there were days when I was wondering about what I'm doing... I was blind, I tried to stop it many times, I just couldn't, he just couldn't. For some reason... No matter what, he will always be for you and your baby. If he will decide to stay with me, please believe me, I will never stop from seeing you or your son, ever. Please believe me, I am not the enemy and never will be. I don't expect you to reply, I don't even expect you will read it. I am really, really sorry..."

 

I didn't respond but I broke into tears! Not sure why, just having every sort of emotion in me right now.

 

I asked my husband if he loves her, I wanted him to be 100% honest. He acknowledged he does. I asked him if he loves me, he said yes and he will always love me, but as his best friend and the mother of his child....

 

F her and F him. don't even respond to that foolishness. She is a tramp, an unrepentant whore. This is simply damage control. Save that message, especially if you are in a fault state. This isn't your fault. Your husband is a fool.